Irrational hurt?

[nase0737]

I met my fiance in school about 2 and a half years ago. We've been together for 2 and just got engaged this summer. We are both from the Detroit area but he just started his grad school program this weekend in Chicago and he'll be there for 3 and a half years. I just started med school here in Detroit so I cannot move with him.

We are both so used to seeing each other every day and sitting with each other as we study for support. He left last Thursday and I have been going crazy since. I miss having him near me and feel as though there is a huge hole in my life. We talk on the phone and skype as often as possible, but I have not been able to study or focus on anything.

I understand that he is in a new environment and it is exciting and there are new people to meet and places to see, but I feel like he doesn't miss me nearly as much as I miss him. Maybe it's a horrible thing to wish, but I wish he wasn't coping so well with the separation because I feel so empty without him and he doesn't seem to feel the same way.

I went on vacation for 3 weeks last year and he was depressed the whole time I was gone, so it is not as if he's never missed me before or that I can't tell how he feels.

I know that the person who is left behind usually feels worse, but how much I miss him is affecting my whole day and my studies and I'm not functioning well at all. It is added onto a lot by the fact that he doesn't miss me that much.

Has anybody felt this way? Is it irrational? Do you have any advice for me to get over it?

Thank you

[JennyRW]

My situation is similar to yours, Im the one how stayed and my bf had to move because of his job. I dont have much to say but I have the same feeling like he doesnt miss me as much as I miss him, but my bf is not expresive in general and the fact that he is looking for long weekends to come to visit me or for me to visit him means that he really want to see me.
I know it is hard but we need to be strong!

[book_worm]

I'm betting he does miss you just as much as you miss him, but he does have that new exciting environment that helps him cope with it. I also think it has to do with the differences between men and women. I'm the only that moved away in my LDR, but I oftentimes feel the same way you do. He is out with friends, while I'm stuck missing him and trying to study. It isn't at all irrational to feel how the way you are feeling. You will each have times where the other is super busy, or has fun plans and you cannot stop thinking about how much you miss them.
Good luck!

[Rugger]

Men are often not the most forthcoming with their feelings. I know I feel that most of the time, I miss my SO more than he misses me, but I know that's simply untrue. He just doesn't express his feeling as well as I do.

Talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling. You should be able to communicate it to him and he should modify his behavior so you feel missed and loved.

[beckychan]

I think the hardest thing to do is letting go of that closeness factor that you have in a CDR. I definitely don't think it's irrational, missing someone your so close to is pretty hard to avoid. It takes time to get used to a transition. If I were in your shoes, I would work on accepting the fact that he's not always going to be around and learning how to cope with that.

Of course it's not irrational to feel the way you do. If you love him, then you'd be crazy not to miss him! and the same goes for him. He's definitely gotta be thinking about you right now.

When I was in the same situation, me being the one that left, I was busy alll day long. I hardly had time to think for myself, let alone my BF. But when I did think about him, all I wanted to do was tell him about what was going on in my life and all the exciting things I had going on. I wanted him to be excited for me, but unfortunately, when we did get time to talk it was always about how much we missed each other and how sad we were. I basically couldn't tell him anything because he was upset that I was having a good time and he wasn't.

I don't know if this is how it is for you and your fiance, but there's a good chance it is. My best bet is that he is thinking about you, even if he might not show it, and he just wants you to be happy, rather than sad all the time. I know thats how it was for me and my bf.

[nase0737]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. They definitely helped me to think about things.

My fiance is usually pretty emotionally expressive which is why it upsets me that he isn't expressing as much as I would have expected. I keep talking to him about how I feel but he just keeps telling me that I have to get over it because we need to study and do well in school. I told him that I need to feel missed and he promised me he will try.

Today was a little better than other days, thankfully. Probably because I was so busy today.

I feel that in order to help myself accept the distance I am closing myself off a little bit emotionally. It seems to be the only thing that is helping. However, I am worried that it will affect our relationship in the long run because I am actively trying to feel less close to him. Was this ever a problem with any of you?