When SO's work is more of a priority...

[Laura_N]

Recently I wrote in another topic that I felt a bit offended when my SO told me (while she was being down, just heard she'll lose her job at the end of this month) that all she has in life is working and job. It made me think more about it...

She's always been a hard worker and been in two different jobs while we've known each other. During the other job she worked from home most of the days and we were able to speak on MSN or Skype daily. She quit her job and got a new temporary one this summer, and her contract is ending soon. In that job she works crazy hours... She can spend 10-12 hours at work, then bring more work home. At the end of the days she is extremely tired. Nowadays I hear from her 1-3 times a day by e-mails that usually consist of a couple of sentences, or sometimes just "I'm tired" or "I hope you're OK" or "How are you?" We haven't had a proper conversation in over a week.

We've talked about it and she says she hopes she could spend more time with me. I realize this is more than some people get and maybe she spoiled me in the beginning being able to talk to me every day, but... I just can't help feeling as though I'm less of a priority than her job. Most of the time she says she's really busy or then she has no energy to chat with me. I'm sure she's telling the truth and not making excuses or avoiding me, but I'm starting to feel really low, as if she didn't have to spend that much time with me because we've got distance etc. I don't want to be needy or nagging or anything... I don't want to demand things from her or be a responsibility or a burden. I'd just like some more attention. I've got awesome friends and I spend time with them and doing my own things, so it's not about that. It's also quite impossible to plan our next meeting which should be next month when we can't have a proper conversation.

I'm not sure what I should do.

[HollzHeartsChris]

It sounds as though your SO is quite a workaholic and that she would like to "switch off", but she's not sure how to. First of all, there's nothing wrong with asking for more attention from your SO. When you can, have a chat with her and tell her how you feel, and that you would like to communicate on a more regular basis. Ask her if there's a possibility she could set aside some of her work one or two nights a week so that you guys can have some time together and when she can, send you more emails so you can keep in touch more often when she's busy. If she can do that, then she'll find a way to escape from the world of work as well as being able to have some time with you. I understand she's probably extremely busy, but she needs to find a balance between work and play. She needs to balance the work books with social me-time and rest time otherwise she's just going to keep feeling tired and as though there's no escape from work. Perhaps once you've told her how you feel, she'll realise she needs to make some alterations to her lifestyle to accommodate you and some time to just sit down and relax. There's only so much work a person can do before it starts to wear them down and I think she's hit that point. You can help her strike a balance She should be able to realise sooner or later that she's not been paying as much attention as she should be to you once you tell her how you feel and she'll probably start to make the changes necessary to strike a good balance.

Good luck

[LeilaniJoi]

I agree with Hollz. You should be able to ask for, and get more time together. Be thankful though that she is willing to work hard at her job and put that much dedication into it. Coming from 8 year relationship with someone that refused to hold a job, that is a blessing so long as it can be balanced with other important things in her life (you!)

[gene]

LeilaniJoi, I really agree with your point, the first half and the second half.
I actually experience the same thing as LAURA_N is experiencing now 2 weeks ago (studying rather than working). And I did almost what Hollz suggested. Turns out it's much better now.
And yes, sometimes I do feel I'm lucky to have a hardworking girlfriend. And occasionally I feel upset about being inferior to her work.
LAURA_N, communicate! You definitely can make things better.

[Laura_N]

Thank you, people.

It's just that... Every time I'm thinking of bringing it up I just kinda think I'm overreacting or put those thoughts aside without saying anything. I'm scared it will create an argument and I usually do whatever it takes to avoid such situations, mostly because I'm no good at arguing... We don't really fight so I don't know why I'm afraid of such thing with her. I also feel guilty for wanting more attention from her when I know she is tired and under stress and everything. So if I start talking about this with her, I'm thinking I will just end up going "well, it's OK, nevermind" if it looks like there will be no solution. Uh yeah, I know I have a complicated mind. :P And I'm worried of her eventually getting a burn out.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Thank you, people.

It's just that... Every time I'm thinking of bringing it up I just kinda think I'm overreacting or put those thoughts aside without saying anything. I'm scared it will create an argument and I usually do whatever it takes to avoid such situations, mostly because I'm no good at arguing... We don't really fight so I don't know why I'm afraid of such thing with her. I also feel guilty for wanting more attention from her when I know she is tired and under stress and everything. So if I start talking about this with her, I'm thinking I will just end up going "well, it's OK, nevermind" if it looks like there will be no solution. Uh yeah, I know I have a complicated mind. :P And I'm worried of her eventually getting a burn out.

Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Tell your SO what is bothering you and work it out with her. My SO and I made a strict promise to each other that regardless of what was bothering us, we would tell each other what was on our minds if there was anything and we would work the problem out. It's better than keeping it from your SO: if you keep it to yourself, your SO might begin to wonder what's wrong and assume there's something up (after all, she probably knows you like you know yourself, as it is with my SO). Then, if your SO finds out, you'll have an even bigger problem on your hands. Don't be afraid of creating an arguement because you probably won't if you just explain to her how you feel: she can hardly argue with you for that.

And by the way, you have NOTHING to feel guilty for when simply asking for more attention. If anything, it's your SO who should be feeling a little guilty because she hasn't paid you enough attention due to work. Don't worry about it. Just talk to her, and you'll solve the problem ever so easily.

Trust me

[Laura_N]

Thank you HollzHeartsChris.

Here's a little update from my side... I still haven't managed to talk to my SO and tell her I'd like us to spend more time together talking or doing something. It's like I think I should let her do what she wants and not become one of those nagging people. Her job is very important to her and I'd hate to bother her while she's trying to look for a new one. What I have recently noticed too is that she's started to choose which e-mails she answers... For example, if I send her three e-mails during the day she might choose to answer one of them in the evening. Sometimes she answers the rest e-mails after a few days so that there's a bunch of e-mails waiting for me in my inbox. Or then there's something wrong with hotmail or she isn't getting them, that has happened too. But I wouldn't like to ask her if she's got my e-mails, that would just sound desperate.

Today's been a bad day, but I really feel like the distance is harder to handle than usually. I miss her terribly much but I'm scared she will start to think I'm clingy and needy and that me telling her I'd like us to have more time together will just push her away. I know she cares about me a lot and all that, but to me it sometimes looks like she just doesn't need as "much" communication as I do. Uh I must sound messy... :P

[GG6]

Awww

During the summer I was the girlfriend who was always busy with work. I was working on a big project for like a month and had barely more than 10 min a day to eat/take shower and I barely slept. Was a really stressful time for me.
I know my SO needed more attention from me, which I could understand but unfortunately I couldn't give more than what I was giving at that time. My project had a deadline I had to meet it and I had no other choice. Of course I tried to communicate with my SO the best I could but it wasn't as often as before. The thing is that I *did* feel bad about it and when I work, I have a tendency to stay concentrated in my bubble. We had an argument with my SO and actually it's a good thing that we did because if we had let things go on the way they were, maybe we wouldn't be together anymore today!
I didn't realize how much I was into my bubble so it's good we argued so I could realize what behavior I had.
The good thing is that my SO was also fully understanding that my work was my "priority" and the work itself wasn't a problem. Just my behavior My SO is proud I'm a hard working girl and always understand when I don't talk that much but I think when it reaches a certain point, you HAVE to tell your SO what you need.
It's good that you realize that she had now a stressful time and that you're patient with her but try to speak to her as soon as you can so you can at least find a compromise Maybe you'll argue but in the end, it will be ok Believe me ^^
And if she can't manage to find more time to like skype or whatever, maybe she will pay more attention when she writes emails to give you the attention you need. Also remember that it's not cause she doesn't write that much that she doesn't love you
Good luck And you have here a bunch of people who can listen to you also when everything is overwhelming

[Laura_N]

Alright, so I raised the subject with her... I told her I would like more communication between us and suggested we could have like one or two hours every week just for us when we could play games, do online dates, chat in MSN or speak on Skype or something. What I got back first was "are you bored?" and then "But you don't speak..." (I have talked about my phone speaking issues in another thread but long story short, I'm terrified of speaking in the phone/Skype and it has grown into a too big issue.) I have suggested her skyping a couple of times within a few weeks and told her I could try my best to talk so she didn't have to speak alone, but no, we haven't got the chance. However, my point was that I'd just like to spend more time with her and she kind of ignored that.

She didn't answer anymore and later that day I asked her if she got mad. She said no, no, and that we'll talk about it later. Now that I think was two days ago and we haven't mentioned it yet. Recently, I'd say within a month or few weeks she has started selective replying. She ignores some e-mails or some points of my e-mails. She's kind of always been bad at answering "how are you?" but now I feel as though she is really avoiding the question. I'd like to think she would tell me if something was really wrong but she just got her job contract extended and I can't really come up with anything. She's a very private person though and quite often won't talk to me if something's not well, so it's not that much of an issue. But the selective replying is what I have noticed.

I'm confused. When did communication become such an issue for us? I'm not sure if it's all in just my head, but she seems so laid back about it and won't really understand it so that I'm starting to feel ridiculous and clingy. Uh?