Should I accept their friendship?

[Cyger]

you have already asked many times. She obviously wants to stay friends with him. Continuing asking will make it a force. If you do not like her decision then it is up to you to accept it or not. It is for you to walk away from it or not.

you have no control over it. If she will make a mistake then she will make a mistake. There is nothing you can do. She is an adult.

How is it making her condition worse? And are you sure that it is what you think is making her condition worse and not something else?
He may say all kinds of things to her in private. He may say that you are not a worthy person, that you are not good for her, that if he was with her she would love it better. He may say to her how beautiful and sexy she is - all of it. Many other men can tell her the same thing. So what now? I understand that it is bothersome, but, again, have some confidence in yourself! Believe that whatever sweet or not sweet words anyone can tell her, you know who you are and you know your worth and hope that she does also. If you think that she doesn't then again it is a good thing to know and it is up to you to be with someone who doesn't know your worth or not to be.

I know it is all easy to say, but read what you are writing. INSECURITY and JEALOUSY is screaming through your posts. I am not saying that you have no reason at all to feel bothered. You do. But you also need some confidence in yourself and trust in your GF. Or you need to leave the relationship if you feel like it is not worth it.

I understand perfectly well what you're saying, but this is not as much about insecurity or jealousy as you think. As I said, she is believed to have BPD. I do not know if you know what it is, but that is a very serious mental illness. And as with any serious mental illness, it is unwise to place yourself in situations where it feeds the symptoms. Allowing that to happen is like reinforcing the behavior. That is the issue that I am most worried about concerning this friendship. As well as the fact that he's made threats in public for others to see as well as the way he speaks and acts. If he is willing to make public threats and say the things he says, how unlikely is it that he would act the same, if not worse in private? My worry is that there may come a point where he simply does not care at all and does whatever he feels necessary to get her to be with him - perhaps by force, if necessary. And I am on the opposite side of the country, unable to do anything besides read words on a screen. These factors combined are my issue at hand. In a very extremely small way is this simply out of jealousy or insecurity. I am secure in the fact that I know I am loving and caring and a wonderful partner. It is the extenuating factors that are not the normal "place trust in your partner" that have me concerned. But I understand what you are saying.

[kteire]

I guess maybe I'm a bit less understanding than a lot of people who have posted, but I would not accept that friendship. If my SO cheated on me with a friend, and I stayed with him, it would be on the condition that he never had contact with her again. It takes a very long time to build up trust in a relationship after that trust's been violated, and having that person constantly in the picture would not allow us to work on our relationship, or allow me to move on. If I did not immediately break up with my SO for cheating on me, a refusal to put our relationship above theirs would be the final straw. I am admittedly not forgiving when it comes to cheating, and my SO knows that. My dad (who has severe BPD that he refuses to get help with) did the same thing to my mum, and my dad never did anything about the other woman harassing my mum. It ultimately ended their relationship.

I honestly think that if you ask her not to continue to have contact with him, and she refuses, you have to choose whether or not you can be ok with it. It's understandable if you can't be ok with it. I think it's incredible that some people can get past that and accept the friendship, but not everyone is capable of doing that.

[Miramaid]

I guess maybe I'm a bit less understanding than a lot of people who have posted, but I would not accept that friendship.

I wold not either. But you still can not force your partner to do anything. If they do not want to end it, then what are you going to do? Right! Accept it or leave!

@Cyger. I know very well what is BPD. I worked with people with mental illnesses. It is great that you are so concerned about her and all, but there is really not much that you can do especially being far away. Just like you said. Try to talk to her again and tell her what concerns you, but something tells me that she is going to think that you are too paranoid and that there is nothing to be concerned about. And you will have to either accept that or not.

[Minerva]

I agree with Kwala (as well as others here).

I've had the diagnosis of BPD, but it's swung back to PTSD, which has a lot in common with BPD (my last therapist specialized in treating people with BPD, and he said PTSD fits me better, but that he believes BPD is a form of PTSD). I get that fear of abandonment, and I know the lose/lose situation I've put people in: the leave me alone/why have you abandoned me position. It isn't fair, and I know it, but my brain goes funny sometimes -- I'm convinced someone hates me, so I try to leave first, and then I get upset if they let me leave. I've put people through hell, and it's usually the ones closest to me who get the worst of me.

But I'm actively working to make myself better. I'm not currently in therapy (I'm on a break, but I do plan to go back) however I know what my issues are and I try every day to work on them. I love my SO, and while I'm still unfair to him sometimes, I try my damnedest not to be. And I'm lucky in that he's a rare man who accepts my flaws and issues with grace and understanding, because most people wouldn't.

Your girlfriend doesn't seem to be at this stage. She's not in therapy and she's making destructive, hurtful choices. It seems to me she's playing the two of you off each other, so she can feel the thrill of having 2 men fight over her. You don't know what she's telling him: she could be saying you're possessive and overbearing. I'm almost certain given his tone she's telling him terrible things about you. She's playing a game to make herself feel better, and BOTH of you are feeding into it.

As Kwala said, she bears responsibility for her own mental health. Yes BPD is serious, but it is treatable. She has to make a choice to help herself. You can be the good boyfriend and stand with her if that's what she wants, but if she's abusing your decent nature to feed her illness, you're not helping her.

I'm not an advocate of abandoning people with mental illnesses, but there has to be something there besides the dread and pain of the illness. She has to at least TRY to meet you in the middle. Otherwise all this relationship will be is her doing whatever she wants, hurting you, and she still won't be any better. If she's not ready to help herself, there's NOTHING you can do.

You're a good man for not wanting to abandon her. But the way I see it, she's abandoning you.

[kteire]

I wold not either. But you still can not force your partner to do anything. If they do not want to end it, then what are you going to do? Right! Accept it or leave!

I do agree with that (and I meant to say that in my post, but I guess I left that out lol).

[Sharon Q]

In my opinion you need to tell her why this is upsetting you. And she needs to respect that, by being his friend she is hurting you. I can tell you I'm very loyal to my boyfriend and if ANY of my male friends made statements to him like that I would delete and block them in a heart beat no questions asked. He is being disrespectful to your relationship. I would NEVER let anyone speak to my boyfriend that way.

Now I'm not sure if BPD affects such aspects but if it does maybe ask her to call you at her next session with the psychiatrist so you two can talk it over.