Not sure what to do, if anything...

[heylittlekrissy]

So basically, my SO's dad passed away last night. He's been battling cancer, and I guess it finally got the best of him. They didn't exactly have a great relationship, but he still seems like he's upset about it, and he has absolutely every right to be, it is his father after all, all issues aside. I feel so helpless being so far away, with no way to actually get to him right now, or anytime soon for that matter, or otherwise I'd be there in a heartbeat. I just keep wondering if there's something I should do, but because of the family situation (his parents never actually married, and haven't lived together in years, but still talk on occasion). So I guess what I'm asking is, what would you do if you were in this situation if you were me? I'd just like to see what others opinions are about this.
And if anyone feels they'd need a little more information, feel free to ask, and I wouldn't mind providing more.

[snow_girl]

Just let him know you are there for him. If he need to cry over the phone, let him. If he needs space for a bit and doesn't want to talk, wait for him. If he gets angry, don't take it personally. Everyone reacts to death differently, let him know that no matter what he is going through you are always going to be there waiting for when he needs to talk....or doesn't. Thats really all you can do.

[heylittlekrissy]

I agree with you there. I've already let him know I'm here for him if he needs it, and he said he had to go for a bit, so I'm giving him his space, too.
Idk, I mean, like if it was his mom or something, I'd probaly want to try and send flowers or something for the funeral, yknow? That being that he also gets along with his mom a lot better, but I'm not really sure about the whole dad situation and especially with them not being close, at all, I guess that's what I was really unsure about, like, about doing something for him or his family, or sending something for the funeral. My SO and I are only 19, so I haven't honestly been involved with too many funerals, atleast not for anyone I've been close to, and wasn't sure if I should try to do something lol.

[snow_girl]

I think the fact that him and his father weren't close is completely irrelevant at the moment. It was his father and regardless the relationship he is gone. Maybe if you want to send something a sympathy card would be appropriate?

[heylittlekrissy]

Well, that's why I was still thinking about sending something, because like you said, it is still his father, but I do like the card idea.

[Rugger]

I think sending a card is a great idea. Other than that, just let him know that you are there for him and his family, and that you'll listen if and when he wants to talk about it. That's pretty much all you can do.

[Rosebud]

Both my boyfriend and I had to deal with someone we love being lost to cancer earlier this year, within about 2 months of each other. If you feel like you want to send a card with your condolences I think that's a good idea but I don't think you need to do much more than that. Just play it by ear with what your boyfriend wants from you right now since it's a difficult situation and he may not always act the way you expected. For example, when my boyfriend was dealing with this he mostly wanted to talk about other things to take his mind off it so I let it be, but then when the conversation abruptly stopped to discuss his dearly departed then I just went along with it. Is that how I grieved? No, I yelled at him, told him to leave me alone and almost broke up with him over it. So he gave me my space as I requested, and only was firm with me when it came to helping me come back to grips with reality that hiding and killing myself wasn't going to bring my aunt back.

Because you can't be there, really the best you can do is offer to listen. Yes, the card is nice but at that point most people really don't care about gifts or whatnot. It's all about wanting to be around people you care about and love, so telling your SO you're available for what he needs is enough.

[HollzHeartsChris]

The best you can do for your SO is be there for him when he needs you and give him some space if he needs it I know it's hard not being able to do much for him other than that, but he'll be extremely thankful for it.

[Zephii]

Send flowers. I know he's a bloke, but I'd do it anyway. Also, let him know you're there for him if he wants to talk, or just wants someone to sit with him while he mopes (takes a lot of patience, but helps a lot). Let him talk to you as much as he wants. Over the next few months he'll remember a lot of little things about his dad. Let him share them. It helps.
Also, realise that after the inital storm passes, he's still likely to grieve for a long time. It wont make much sense to others because the relationship wasn't great - but sometimes that's why it takes longer. Because there's this whole forgiveness and regret process to go through. (Speaking from experience here )
The worst thing to ever say, even in years time is "I thought you were over it". He might even wonder why he isn't over it after a while. Let him know it's ok to grieve as long as he needs to, there's nothing wrong with it.

[LilyChiba]

In all honesty, other than being there to talk to, there isn't much you can do. I'm gonna be blunt about it, because I was in an LDR when my dad was in hospital the week before they pulled the plug. My dad was my best friend, so it probably hurt worse than with your SO. (Hell, I was even rushed to the ER from a severe asthma attack on the last day lol). I didn't want any of my family to help me, because most of them didn't understand me and I just wanted to talk to my SO at the time. Unfortunately, he was always making it about him and how I needed to talk to him more (I was in a place right across from the hospital the entire week, no choice, mum made us and it was horrible). I needed someone to cry to. So just be there for your SO as much as you can and let him come to you as he needs you.

[lucybelle]

I had a friend whose dad passed. She hadn't even seen her dad in years. They weren't close and he was an alcoholic. But it was still HER DAD and she grieved and needed support. I think sending a card to the family, not just him, to express your sympathies. You could also send flowers to the funeral, but for the family, not just him. Tell him you're there for him. He'll talk when he's ready.

[mickey's bird]

Let him know that you are there for him if and when he wants to talk. If he wants his space, give it to him. Like the other posters mentioned, sending a card to the family or flowers to the church/grounds would be a thoughtful.

[beckychan]

My dad passed away a month short of a year ago, so I know what it's like. To be honest you don't have to get him anything. If you tell him how much you wish you could be there and all that stuff, he understands already how much you care and want to be there for him. When my dad passed, I loved hearing things like, 'He loves you and he's definitely watching over you.' and blah blah blah. What I DIDN'T like to hear was 'I'm SURE he loved you. I'm SURE he's thinking of you,' because it's not as reassuring as the first part.
You should give your SO time to grieve too. Don't expect everything to be okay instantly, which I'm sure you don't. But it's going to take time, and not just a month or two, but several, if not many, years! I wouldn't recommend trying to get his mind off things right now. So just being there for him is enough and comforting him as much as you can.

[JennyRW]

Just let him know you are there for him. If he need to cry over the phone, let him. If he needs space for a bit and doesn't want to talk, wait for him. If he gets angry, don't take it personally. Everyone reacts to death differently, let him know that no matter what he is going through you are always going to be there waiting for when he needs to talk....or doesn't. Thats really all you can do.

That is right! You just can be there for him, whatever he needs

[heylittlekrissy]

Thanks for the opinions everyone, it's nice to kind of see the situation from other viewpoints and see how others would handle it.