Does he deserve any more chances?

[Tigertray24]

I finally talked to my SO on Sunday and I completely had to handle him with kid gloves. I didn't get emotional or upset. I tried to make him understand that it's not fair to me to say that he will call me, and not do so. Before Sunday, we hadn't even talked for a week and a half. I'm sure that on more than half of those days, he blew me off when he had plans to talk with me.

It seemed that I might actually have made some progress in trying to get him to put more effort into communicating with me. He told me that he is very depressed to be at home, not only because he wishes he was here with me, but also because he REALLY does not like his hometown and no longer feels like he has a sense of belonging there. He said that he's been turning inward on himself and that he hasn't been communicating with anyone. He says that lately, he just feels like he wants to be alone.

I told him that I have my first German (his native language - I'm taking this class mostly because of him) test on Thursday, and that I could really use his help. I definitely have homework due today that was really difficult for me. I sent him an e-mail last night with the video and the questions. I called him during the morning (his time) to remind him to please...PLEASE help me. He promised that he would sign onto Skype sometime in between 7pm and 9:30pm his time.

Well, SURPRISE! He didn't show up again. I called his phone and asked him why he couldn't help me when I really needed him. He selfishly and coldly said that he was "busy". He had cooked dinner for his friends and was "busy" spending time with them. I asked him why he couldn't tell his friends that he needed to spend 20 minutes helping his GIRLFRIEND with her GERMAN HOMEWORK. He said that he had other things to do and he didn't have time.

I'm so angry...so hurt...I cried for 5 minutes and spent the rest of the time fighting back tears while struggling to finish the rest of the homework. I'm sick of this. How can he possibly still love me and care about me when he's not even willing to help me??? What should I do? =(

[LeilaniJoi]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Some guys are just jerks. One phrase comes to mind though and I'll let you interpret it how you wish:

"Do Not Make Someone a Priority in Your Life if You Are Merely an Option in Theirs ."

[Miramaid]

"Do Not Make Someone a Priority in Your Life if You Are Merely an Option in Theirs ."

Wow! That is some food for thinking for many of us...Got me thinking for sure. Now I am going to spend the rest of the day and may be even tomorrow thinking through this thought.

P.S. Tigertray, I am sorry Call me if you want to chat. I am not sure what to say except that that quote above is 100% true. I know you are strong and smart and you will figure out what is best to do

[nic&matt]

A really out there idea is to do nothing. Sit back, wait for him to come to you. If he doesn't say anything about it like it's not a big deal, you need to evaluate how important you are to him. If he sees the silence, sees your not kidding around he might come crawling back apologizing. Some people never do anything if someone keeps helping them/doing it for them. When those kind of people are out on their own they realize they need to step up. Instead of always trying to fix it, give it air and really see what his reaction is.

Again, that's not a popular theory with a lot of relationships, but it works well with mine.

Best of luck. Please keep us all updated!

[Tigertray24]

I'm really REALLY frustrated because we've never played "games" in our relationship. This is NOT what I signed up for! If he had ever acted like this before and I still chose to stay with him, I'd only have myself to blame. I guess 5,300+ miles and 5 weeks can really change you into a real jerk!

Honestly, I know I can't/shouldn't talk to him anytime soon, and I won't. This was just indefensible. What kind of person blows off a chance to help his/her SO to be successful in work and/or school? I think I'm finally starting to transition from being upset to being angry. I'm pretty much in full blown b*tch mode and actually, I really pity him if he does realize that he needs to apologize and tries to win me back and gain my trust again. Not gonna be easy...by ANY stretch of the imagination.

LelianiJoi, you're totally right. I feel I'm even less than an option to him. I'm not even listed on the page.

[JennyRW]

I don't want to make u feel bad, but I want to be honest about what this makes me think: It sounds like he wanted to marry you so badly cause of the greencard, let me tell you why I see it this way: when you realized that you cannot marry him now because of your insurance he started acting different with you and avoiding you. He told you he is depressed and he doesn't have contact with anybody but he makes dinner for his friends... And the excuse to not talk to you several times before was that he is with a friend, brother, mother.... He has time for everybody but not for you since you decided not marrying him right now.
He trys to make you feel bad about he being depress and he doesn't whant to be in his hometown because he doesn't like it... so you will change your opinion about marriage... I think he is trying to manipulate you.
I really hope I'm wrong and that he really loves you and this will work, but I think you should be more suspicious!
And remember this doesn't mean that every foreginer will want that from you, but there are some like that. Listen I'm no American, I'm here as a student and I love my bf who is american, we have been together for almost two years and we are not engage. Yes I want to marry him but because I love him and I'm 27 yo so I would like to have children before my 30's but we will see, not real rush, I'm still on my master, I do want to marry him but in the future... The think is we never talk about marriage on the begining so I can stay, no no no, if someone bring the topic too soon I wouldn't trut them... You need to be in a relationship long enough to fall in love, to really know the person and see if your personalities, family values and goals are compatibles, so if you date someone (from your country or from another) you have to give time to the relationship before thinking on getting married, if not there is something not clean there.

I wish you good luck on this and in the future

[Mara]

I'm not sure what his deal is really. I hope JennyRW isn't right, but I am wondering what is behind his sudden overnight transformation. One thing for sure, I'd stop chasing him. I would stop contacting him at all. If he wants to call you and apologize, let him, but no more contacting him trying to get in touch. Relationships go both ways and it's not fair for you to have to carry your weight in it and his.

[Sharon Q]

I would write him on FB or whatever chat system you two use and tell him that what he did hurt your feelings and was not respectful of your needs. And then I would leave it at that. And let him come to you.

[Tigertray24]

I don't want to make u feel bad, but I want to be honest about what this makes me think: It sounds like he wanted to marry you so badly cause of the greencard, let me tell you why I see it this way: when you realized that you cannot marry him now because of your insurance he started acting different with you and avoiding you. He told you he is depressed and he doesn't have contact with anybody but he makes dinner for his friends... And the excuse to not talk to you several times before was that he is with a friend, brother, mother.... He has time for everybody but not for you since you decided not marrying him right now.
He trys to make you feel bad about he being depress and he doesn't whant to be in his hometown because he doesn't like it... so you will change your opinion about marriage... I think he is trying to manipulate you.
I really hope I'm wrong and that he really loves you and this will work, but I think you should be more suspicious!

Well, I think from my perspective, it's easy to jump to that conclusion...actually, I think that question is always in the back of the native person's mind...when it comes to taking a gamble on the chance that we would get married and he wouldn't have to go back, he's totally guilty...he didn't tell me how much money he was losing out on/spending by coming back so soon in May, but then again, I did put a lot of pressure on him...I'm attempting to be reasonable and see it from his point of view: he made a huge sacrifice to make me happy and I haven't sacrificed nearly as much in return...and that is pretty much true...sometimes I do feel bad when I ask myself, "What have you done for him so far?"...but actually, I had given him my word that I would do my best to stand on my own two feet financially so that there wouldn't be a problem getting married next year when he comes back...

I should clarify something...he did tell me that these particular friends are guys that also live in New Zealand part of the year, which is where he wants to go in the winter because his work is only seasonal in Austria...he said when he came back, their washer and dryer was broken and they didn't have any clean clothes, so he's been helping them out...he also said he has been cooking dinner for them for the past few days...I'm not sure what that's about...I think, though that they are grown men and they are capable of cooking themselves a meal if they need to...absolutely ridiculous...I'm being blown off entirely because of that?

Yeah, he has time to cook dinner for a bunch of man children, among other things, but no time for me... -_-