need advice on hurtful behavior from fellow LDR's!:)

[rusty15]

Background story: We met and started dating in college 3 years and 9 months ago in Wisconsin. We saw each other all the time, and than when I switched colleges a year later, we only saw each other on weekends (1 hour drive) during the school year and than more during the summer. Last January when he graduated he asked me to move in with him and we were living together until April, when he got an offer from his dream job in California. He moved there in 2 weeks and I moved back home. The reason I didn't move with him is because I don't graduate until this upcoming December, it took me months to decide but I plan on moving to CA in January/February. Since he has moved in April, I have seen him in June for 4 days, July-August for 1 month, and planning on seeing him mid-October for 5 days. I am 22 and he is 23.

So this past weekend, (I know his account numbers for his bank accounts from when we lived together), sometimes I randomly check his account just to see whats going on. I noticed a charge from zoosk.com, that lame friend/dating website. I called and confronted him and he was hanging out with some co-workers and told me he would call me back later. We were texting and he was saying he wanted a break until I decide if and when I'm moving there, doesn't want to waste either of our time if I'm not moving there. Than he told me he canceled the account and trying to get his money back. He called me that night, apologizing, calling himself an asshole, saying he was thinking about cheating but decided not to, he has never cheated on me, how he is depressed and lonely (he has no family/friends there) and misses me a lot, telling me he wants me to trust him again so he's keeping his passwords for his bank accounts the same.

I am really hurt and shocked and sad he would do this to me, my friends tell me that he is just scared/lonely/stressed out and that he loves me and I should think about it for a couple days and stay with him unless he does it again. I would be extremely upset if we broke up, since we have talked before about getting engaged one day, and having 2 cats together and so much invested in our relationship.

We are planning my next visit and he told me he's giving me money towards it and wants me to come as soon as I can.

Where do I go from this? How do I trust again?

[Miramaid]

OMG...girl.... honestly I do not even know what I would do if i were you. I say you are lucky you know his accounts and stuff and you were able to discover this. Imagine how many people have no clue about such things.
I do not think anyone can give any advice on what to do. It is up to you to either forgive him and try to trust him again or not.
I hope everything works out the best way for you.

[JennyRW]

It is good that he apologised and that he is keeping the passwords to show you you can trust in him, but I dont like the fact that you discovered, I mean what if you wouldnt have the passwords? He would cheat on you and you would never know. I think you can give him the oportunity to show you you can trust in him, but be suspicious, dont make it easy for him... I mean yeah now he is keeping the passwords but he was planning on cheating, he didn't do it but because you caught him on time...
So he has to work a lot in recovering your trust, you know he doesn't need a dating site to cheat, he can just go to a bar and you cannot see that on a bank account! So really recovering your trust is going to be hard but if he loves you and if he is sincere about he is sorry then he will work on that

[Sharon Q]

Okay I've known my boyfriend for 3 years and 4 months. I have NEVER even once thought about cheating on him.
Yes we were off and on for a while but neither of us would ever even THINK about cheating on one another.
I would talk to him and find out why he would even think about cheating on you.

If a guy respects you as a person he would not betray you by cheating on you. So the fact that he even thought about it sends up red flags and huge ones at that.

I understand being stressed and lonely but that is no reason to think about cheating on your SO. If he's lonely tell him to get a freaking cat. Not go find some chick to hook up with.

I would seriously think before you make a decision on weather or not to stay with him.

[Mara]

I guess where you go from this depends on you. I walked away from a three year relationship because of cheating, but I did give him a second chance and what do you know, caught him doing the same thing.

What I'm curious about is this; sure, he's having a hard time not having any friends or family out there, but there will be other times when his life [or your life together] will be hard so how does he plan on handling things differently next time? Everyone is capable of making mistakes, but I think cheating for some people becomes a pattern and a management tool. Instead of reaching out to someone when things are hard or trying to take steps to correct the problem they turn to infidelity.

I agree with your friends that I would think on it a few days before making any decisions. Try to think of things in terms of what is best for you and what will make you happiest. You also have to think about whether or not you still will be willing to and want to move so soon after this. It doesn't sound like he's happy at all where he is and on top of it, you would be leaving all of your family and friends behind.

Trust, if you decide to stay, can sometimes be rebuilt other times it can't. I think it starts slow with him being fully open about what he's doing, who he's with, and all of his passwords to his email accounts etc. If there are other things you think would help you, be open, and honest about them. He messed up so it's on him to make the sacrifices to correct that mistake.

[Minerva]

I really hate to say it, but the axiom is generally true: once a cheater, always a cheater. As Mara said, if his first reaction to stress is to cheat, his coping mechanisms need serious adjustments.

Only you can are in the position to make the choice to forgive him, because you’re the one closest to him. Is this a one-time mistake? Or do you sense he could be a cheater? Has he ever cheated on his other girlfriends? Very telling, that statistic. Can I ask why you checked his accounts? Have you been sensing a problem?

Trust takes time to build, and sometimes once violated, it's never the same. That he's not changing his passwords is a step in the right direction, but honestly, if I felt I had to keep track of my SO's private information, I'm not sure that's a relationship I'd want to be in.

If I were you, I'd give a good long think about moving across the country to be with him. The fact that he almost cheated is not your fault, and that he's using your indecision about moving as an excuse for it is pretty messed up. You don't want to uproot yourself to live with a man who is just going to end up cheating on you. I'd say move there if you have reasons to move other than him. I wouldn't trust him enough to move for him.

[corde]

Additionally, if you think spying on him by going through his accounts is acceptable, then things seem fated to not end well.

[HollzHeartsChris]

You need to think this through very carefully, as it could possibly be a very life changing decision to make. I can't understand how someone can be in a relationship with someone for 3 years and potentially throw the whole relationship away over cheating, or in this case, almost-cheating. I find loneliness a poor excuse, to be honest and in my opinion. You need to weigh up the options you have and ask yourself: Can I trust him? Can I forgive him? Only you can answer these questions, but in all honesty I agree with Minerva: once a cheater, always a cheater.

[MadMolly]

I'd forgive him, because of his admittance of guilt. That's just me though. Caught my ex cheating a few times and not once did he EVER admit he was wrong, even when the evidence was RIGHT THERE! So yeah. I'm a bit forgiving though I think.

[kteire]

I'm getting a bad vibe from it. What would have happened if you didn't catch him about to cheat? Did he cancel his account before you found out? He went and specifically signed up for a site to cheat on you, and you don't deserve that. Being caught doesn't always make a cheater stop, it makes them get better at not being caught. Yeah, he's not using that site to look to cheat anymore, but can you trust him not to cheat with someone he meets in person? I guess that comes down to how well you can trust him and how well you know him. But he's not being fair to you, if he's depressed and lonely, he should be out looking for friends, not opportunities to cheat.

I am very very sorry this has happened. You really need to think about what you want from this, and if you can move past it. I couldn't, and SO knows that if he ever did anything like this to me, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

[rusty15]

thanks guys!

some more background info: he has never cheated on me before, i trust him a lot, well less now, and when I mean he was having a bad day, I forgot to mention that his mother has bi-polar and sometimes (rarely) when he is really feeling down and stressed out he has these mini-freak outs were he is not himself, and he said he felt like that.

I thank you so much for your advice and hope I get more.