The Distance is Causing Us to Fight

[Sierra]

The distance is really starting to take a toll on our relationship. My boyfriend has taken AMAZING steps lately in getting things on track to continue our relationship and move it in the right direction, but I can't stop picking fights with him.

Yesterday was a seriously emotionally charged day for him, and I REALLY needed to talk to him. Admittedly, I expected him to be able to read my mind via text message that I was having a crisis and when he didn't, I got really upset. I know this is my fault and foolish of me. He called me as soon as I sent him a text 'Hey I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted and you're not on your way home yet ... you really hurt my feelings tonight and I think I need to not talk to you for a few days". We talked it out and I can tell he got really upset by what I was saying.

In the end I apologized profusely for expecting him to read my mind and I know that's not reasonable, I should have just either called him or sent him a text saying I really needed to talk.

Part of my issue is that I try to be REALLY respectful of the time he spends with his friends, I don't call him when he's out with them, I only text if he texts me first, I figure that's his time, and I get my time with him as well. But last night I called him saying I had to have surgery but had to go and we'd talk about it later. Later he texted me and my day had taken a huge turn for the worst and I told him that when he asked, he asked what was up and I just said I'd tell him when he had time to talk. (who wants to explain real crisis by text?)

I didn't expect him to take 3 hours to make that time when I was going to bed. I expected him to be there for me.

I hate this, I feel like I get mad frequently when I know I shouldn't, I know it's because we're so far apart. I just want to know I'm cared about and that he's someone I can really count on, and not putting down a zombie game for 2 minutes to talk to you girlfriend in crisis doesn't show me I am cared about.

I KNOW, I KNOW that we can get through this if I can stop this self destructive behavior but I don't know how. Help. I love him and I don't want to push him away and don't want to lose him.

[natibg]

Hello, I couldn`t help feeling a big identification with what is happening to you. Me and my boyfriend have been in the relationship 3 and a half years, and two months ago he had to move to another city because of work. We are now 400km. apart, but when we first met we were studying at different cities and only managed one less than a year to live in the same city, our hometown. The first time of distance was pretty easy, but this time I have been so insecure about everything, every week I have a different problem, we fight, it's so tiring. But I am always wondering if he is thinking about me, or missing me, and continiously asking him that. I think I have suffocated him in such a way that yesterday he told me he was tired of this relationship and didn't know what to do. I feel so awful, I wasn't exoecting this, I love and miss him a lot, but I am literally destructing our relationship with my attitudes. I've tried to changed them but hadn't succeed and i really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I am still on time to fix it. Distance is so complicated sometimes

[books]

I can definitely relate. In the weeks leading up to our last visit, I was starting fights over every little thing. I'm not sure if it's how I express my frustration with the distance or what, but it was leading me to believe that our relationship wouldn't survive (due to me). When we visited, we talked some things out and everything was good once again. Now I notice we are arguing more. Example- I am dealing with some problems with my living situation and may have to move. During my weekly phone call to my SO, I talk about the issues, he listens and offers support. Well, last week I had a really heated talk with my landlord and was super upset. I decided to call my SO, really just wanting some support. I called him spontaneously (we have a set time every week to call) and turns out I woke him up as he was napping from just coming home from work. He answered my call, as he always does, and I unloaded all of my problems on him without much warning. Then I got frustrated b/c he sounded sleepy and wasn't as supportive as I would have liked. I eventually ended the phone call, even more upset than before, and stayed mad at him for a few days. My thought process at the time? He's my boyfriend and should be there for me no matter what and if I can't count on him to calm me down and reassure me when I'm having a crisis, who can I count on?

This is putting way too much pressure on him and I realize I cannot expect him to fix whatever crisis I'm having from 2,100 miles away. I think he does his best to try to help me with whatever I'm going thru despite the distance. I am trying my best to acknowledge all the effort he puts into our relationship, recognizing that for him it is very challenging as well.

[adielovesshelbs]

my so and i were in a situation just like this only a week ago. we usually communicate with eachother, everyday, almost all day usualy texting. he started becoming distant from me, i got clingy, trying so hard to hangon to him. it caused us to argue alot, over the littleest of things. i felt i had to beg for his attention and i would do anything to get him to just contact me. i'm not sure what was going and then he told me it was me and he needed time. i thought i was gonna have a heart attack. then came the worst of all fights, it was major. i told him everything. i told him how i felt completely, i didnt hold anything back. before, i would be afraid to tell him how i felt because it would just cause a fight and he would get angry. he has been making great improvements to work on the things that had been bothering me. after the last fight, our relationship has gotten so much better.

we went through alot of fights but we had to figure out what was causing him to be distant and thats how i found out what was causing me to be so clingy. i think you should just sit down and really really think about what is causing you to have the little fights. the little fights can quickly lead to huge fights if you dont stop them. once you figure out what is making you feel this way, then you can fix. sorry i dont really have a whole lot of advice but just hang in there. i am sure things will get better. good luck.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Distance is more than a pain in the bum and I'm sure everyone in an LDR has experienced problems because of it at some point in their relationship. Know that you are not alone, and that we are here to help My SO has been having numerous problems with his parents and my absence from being there personally has taken its toll. We've had a few little spats at each other, but we've worked it out. The best thing I can say is you know that you'll both hopefully be able to live together in the near future. You'll both settle down side by side and you'll look back on the time you were LD and tell yourself how grateful you are that you held onto your relationship, how grateful you are that you kept fighting. Hold tight, hold fast to him, and don't give up Keep fighting. The end rewards will be more than worth the wait

[rusty15]

I know how you feel, it's so hard to express your feelings/concerns when you're apart, cause you don't want to start a fight or upset the other person since you can't see them in person. It sucks a lot. I hate it. Just tell him ahead of time that you want to talk later and explain to him how you feel and what you need for this to work. Just try not to call him a lot, wait for him to contact you.