I don't know what to do...

[SDPersona]

My boyfriend and me have been together for seven months already and we're really happy with each other. We try to have regular skype evenings together, we're really loving, affectionate and cosiderate of each other and even made plans to see each other in about 9 and a half months. A happy situation all around if weren't for the fact that his faith is making me feel terribly insecure.

You see, I've been a Christian all my life but not very serious about it, mainly because my family doesn't believe in God much. Sure, they'd attend christening, marriage ceremonies and what not, but they don't have faith in God. So do I. Never saw any reason to change that and none of my ex-boyfriends were devout Christians. That was until I met my current boyfriend. He's not exactly a strict Christian, but he has faith in God, visits mass every once in a while and is very accepting of other people's faith at the same time. He doesn't mind that I don't share his opinions in that department, but I do. It bothers me, because he told me once that he'd like a girlfriend who also has faith in God. Now I know, he loves me very much but I can't help being afraid of the fact that he could easily fall in love with a woman with faith. He's attractive and a very good person. Husband-material even. It could happen, I can practically see it. It's mainly an irrational fear I can deal with by telling him that. I have done that and he was absolutely wonderful about it.

But it still continued to bother me. I've been thinking a lot about why it still bothers me and now I think it's also because of wanting to support him in that department but not knowing how to go about it (without having to change myself!). I know he'd support me so much if I were in a difficult situation. Anyone's been in pickle like that? I could really use a piece of advice!!!

[Mara]

Are you comfortable with going to mass with him maybe when you visit and he goes? If you're not, I totally understand, but I think it would be a great way to show you are supportive of and okay with his beliefs. If this is someone you are serious about [which it seems it is], it's never too early to discuss how his faith would impact any life the two of you would have together. I know you said once he said he'd like to have a girlfriend that shared his faith, but is that a deal breaker to him? Would he marry you even with you not sharing his faith? I think the more the two of you talk about this, the more comfortable you'd be actually.

[Sharon Q]

You can't really force yourself to have faith. If he doesn't see this as an issue then why do you?
I would suggest talking to him about it a little more.

[kiara_silver]

For me im a christian and my SO is not. I firmly believe that God is the way and the truth. And tho my SO doesn't believe, he respects me and my faith, and never tries to question or make me doubt it. And im sure if i wanted him to go to church with me he would. So i think if you support his faith, and don't ever try to change him then its all good.

[kat4301]

I don't know if this helps, but it might normalize your situation. Some big study from a few years ago looked at similarities between couples who had been together for a long time. Some correlates included similar education, including stuff like SAT scores. They were suprised to find that couples who held different faiths were not anymore likely to split apart than those with similar faiths. I wish I could find the study but maybe just thinking about it in a different way might help if your boyfriend is at all worried that faith might be a constant issue in your future together.

[JennyRW]

you hav to analyse this, if one day you get married and have children together wich believes are you going to teach to the kids? Yours or his? Some people choose to teach them both and let the kids decide, but I have some friends that their parents did that and the kids end so confuse, they tend to jump between diferent religions, and usually a religion that is not the one that his mom practice neither their dad, just a different one...
If you are ok with him teaching his believes to the kids ok, if not then you'll have a problem in the future

[princessmeg1328]

It sounds like this is a really important issue to you. Talk to him about it. If he sees how much it's bothering you, you two can brainstorm ideas on how you can support his faith while not changing your own beliefs. It's important for the two of you to discuss things like this now rather than later.

[Dziubka]

you hav to analyse this, if one day you get married and have children together wich believes are you going to teach to the kids? Yours or his? Some people choose to teach them both and let the kids decide, but I have some friends that their parents did that and the kids end so confuse, they tend to jump between diferent religions, and usually a religion that is not the one that his mom practice neither their dad, just a different one...
If you are ok with him teaching his believes to the kids ok, if not then you'll have a problem in the future

Really? Do you know anyone this has happened to?
I know a few people whose parents have different religions and they're almost all atheists or agnostics, but they're fine with that. None of them has any problems with it anyway.

My boyfriend is quite religious. He's a Catholic and goes to mass on Sundays, even go confession once in a while and he just generally believes in god I guess. I'm a Protestant on paper, but agnostic in life. I'm fine with my boyfriend going to church and we'll have a Catholic wedding ceremony as well, because it's important to him.
We will simply tell our kids that their dad believes in god and that they can join him in church (if he's still going then ), but that their mum isn't so convinced that there's someone watching us up there.
My boyfriend's religious enough so that I don't have to support him in that in anyway. I tell him openly that I think a lot of doctrines that the Roman Catholic Church supports are bull. I'm not going to hide my beliefs because my boyfriend doesn't agree with them.
I tell him that a lot of things he believes in (we have rather different politics beliefs as well) are stupid and vice versa. It would be pretty boring if we agreed on everything. This way at least when we'll be 80 and unable to even leave the house or do anything interesting at al, we'll still have something to talk about

[SDPersona]

Are you comfortable with going to mass with him maybe when you visit and he goes? If you're not, I totally understand, but I think it would be a great way to show you are supportive of and okay with his beliefs. If this is someone you are serious about [which it seems it is], it's never too early to discuss how his faith would impact any life the two of you would have together. I know you said once he said he'd like to have a girlfriend that shared his faith, but is that a deal breaker to him? Would he marry you even with you not sharing his faith? I think the more the two of you talk about this, the more comfortable you'd be actually.

I think I'd be okay with attending mass with him every once in a while if he wants me to go with him, but I don't know that for sure. Maybe I just need to try that out for a while and see how it goes for me. As for that other bit, I don't know if my not sharing his faith is a dealbreaker to him as marriage isn't even a topic yet because we first want to find out how well we mesh with each other 24/7. As mentioned above, that'd be possible in nine and a half months. After that, we both know we're going to have to do "the talk".

I don't know if this helps, but it might normalize your situation. Some big study from a few years ago looked at similarities between couples who had been together for a long time. Some correlates included similar education, including stuff like SAT scores. They were suprised to find that couples who held different faiths were not anymore likely to split apart than those with similar faiths. I wish I could find the study but maybe just thinking about it in a different way might help if your boyfriend is at all worried that faith might be a constant issue in your future together.

Funnily, it's not my boyfriend with whom that is an issue. I'm the one who worries about it because I feel totally out of my depth as far as faith is concerned. I think I can deal with most of very common relationship hurdles except for faith because I didn't think/expect it could/might be a part of my life just because I fell in love with a faithful Christian. To me, it's a newly concept I have to think about.
Your telling me about that study helps to feel at least hopeful or think positively about a possible future with my SO, though. So thank you for that. Do you think you could still try find that study, because I'm very interested in reading that!

you hav to analyse this, if one day you get married and have children together wich believes are you going to teach to the kids? Yours or his? Some people choose to teach them both and let the kids decide, but I have some friends that their parents did that and the kids end so confuse, they tend to jump between diferent religions, and usually a religion that is not the one that his mom practice neither their dad, just a different one...
If you are ok with him teaching his believes to the kids ok, if not then you'll have a problem in the future

I know that my SO wants his kids to believe in God and when he told me that, I didn't quite know what to say to that in that instance. Now that I have slept on it a while, I think I'll be more concerned with the kids becoming responsible, confident adults rather than faithful Christians. I don't care for faith much, so I'm fine with him teaching the kids his believes. It's just me who struggles with his faith because I want to support him. I want my boyfriend to be happy. I want to take care of him the way he takes care of me. Faith is the only department where I feel myself to be very lacking and not knowing how to go about supporting him there.

It sounds like this is a really important issue to you. Talk to him about it. If he sees how much it's bothering you, you two can brainstorm ideas on how you can support his faith while not changing your own beliefs. It's important for the two of you to discuss things like this now rather than later.

I did talk to him two times about it and both times I got the impression that he didn't quite get how much it bothers me. Maybe I need to be more blunt about it. I also feel embarrassed and insecure because it's such a big issue with me and I take a while until I have gathered up enough courage to even touch on that subject. Opening up about your worries/insecurities isn't easy to me. I suppose to most it isnt.

For me im a christian and my SO is not. I firmly believe that God is the way and the truth. And tho my SO doesn't believe, he respects me and my faith, and never tries to question or make me doubt it. And im sure if i wanted him to go to church with me he would. So i think if you support his faith, and don't ever try to change him then its all good.

I fell in love with my boyfriend because of the way he is, so I don't think I ever want to try change him. We all know how bad an idea that is. It never works just as changing yourself for your boyfriend never works. It just invites trouble, heartbreak and resentment.


Ok, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to talk to my SO, really bluntly this time and try to find out ways for me to support him in this department together. Now I just need to find courage to open up. If you all want, I'll tell you how that talk went as my way of saying thanks for your helpful advice and for encouraging me (believe me I needed that just as much!).

[Zephii]

I didnt read everything.. but..

Faith is a feeling, it's something inside. A relisation. Something that may or may not happen to you later.

I think you're in the same boat my SO is. When he prays with me, he starts with "I'm sorry I don't believe you exist but.." and then will give thanks or whatever. But his morals are the same as mine and we're inagreement on how the kids will be raised so it's no issue.

You're the same religion as your feller, at least in name. You probably have the same morals and when you pray it's to the same guy - regardless of if you really think he's listening, you know?

I think you'll be ok

I don't have a recipie for making faith appear. Maybe just let him talk to you more? I know sometimes I feel faith stronger than others and I'll point it out to Obi like "I have faith because this food is so good, there must be a God" or "I prayed I wouldn't miss the train today and luckily it was late so I didn't" or "That orgasm made me feel closer to God" (yes I'm odd, but bear with me here) try to relate to what he sees, and maybe look for those little things in your life too.

When I first started practicing Wicca I read a book that had good advice on how to treat elementals and spirits etc - especially if you're not sure you 100% believe in them - treat them as though they are real, as though they are just people. Be polite. You can't really go wrong by being polite, whether they are real or not. I guess the same can be applied to God and faith. Give God the benifit of the doubt for a while and see how you go.

[JennyRW]

Really? Do you know anyone this has happened to?
I know a few people whose parents have different religions and they're almost all atheists or agnostics, but they're fine with that. None of them has any problems with it anyway.

Well the best example is a guy that his dad was Jewish, his mom is catholic, but she converted to marry the dad. However, she took the kids to mass sometimes and to the tipical catholic celebretions as christmas... When this guy became an adult he was so confuse, first he was jewish, then he decided to be babtized and became catholic, then he became hare krishna (during this period he got married and had his kids with really hare krishna charateristic names), and when his dad died he decided to go back to jewdaism but his kids are hare krishna. And who knows if he is going to change again.

The rest of my friends that come from parents of different religions are mostly atheists, like you said, but the story of this guy for me is shocking, I wouldn't want my kids end so confused. Ah also so much confusion on his life ended in divorce ( I guess that was driving his wife and kids crazy).