Language problem: my friends and my SO can't communicate. Whad do I do?

[Kiara]

Summer is almost over and even though I spent a lot of wonderful moments with my SO, I’m still feeling sorry for how my friends behaved when he visited me here, in my country. It was the first time he visited me in Italy and I wanted him to have a nice impression of my country (not simply food and good weather, but also people!). Unfortunately, my SO is German and he doesn’t speak Italian. For us, it’s not a problem as we always communicate in English. But during the 18 days he spent at my place it happened a lot that he felt excluded from conversations, even though it was not my intention. My friends, no matter if they study or work, don’t speak English. We all study it till the age of 19, but the English we learn in school is not enough for handling a conversation. Moreover, Italians (but I had the same experience with Spanish and French friends) are sky when it comes to speak English, they are not confident. The only people my SO was able to speak with were two of my cousins, who studied in the US for one year, like me, and a friend of mine who studied abroad. In all the other cases I felt very embarrassed because the group of my friends kept speaking Italian, not paying any attention to us, not making any effort to say something to my SO. Even my best friends did the same, and one of them studies on English text books and wrote some scientific articles in English! I apologized a lot with my SO for their behavior, but I keep feeling uncomfortable with this language situation.

In 2 weeks my SO is coming here again, for another couple of weeks, and I don’t know how to behave. On one side I would like him to have the opportunity to meet my friends, start to know them and learn a bit about my environment. I also want to avoid to be considered antisocial by ignoring my friends completely. But on the other side I didn’t like what happened in August: he honestly told me it was pretty boring to spend time with my friends as he didn’t understand anything of what they said. What should I do? Should I give a second chance to my friends, hoping that they can get comfortable in speaking a bit on English with my SO (I’m ready for translating if there are language problems!) or shall I spend those days just with him?
I hope to receive some good advice to be able to deal the situation in a better way: last time I was not prepared at all!

[NaNi]

I know how you're feeling. I felt really bad when my SO came over to Germany and everybody kept talking German. They know English - some more than others - but since they're only used to speak German all the time they didn't switch that often. My SO said that she didn't mind, especially not because she was just able to have a relaxed time, but still. My mom always talked English around her, though. Which I appreciated a lot.

[Joyce:)]

I'm lucky that here in italy i have some friends who can speak english and who are willing to help out when my boyfriend comes over. Give your friends a second chance but tell them to please try to be entertaining for him too, and if not just translate what they say. Good luck

[Kiara]

My mom always talked English around her, though. Which I appreciated a lot.

Yeah, as you said, parents is another issue. My mum, like your, did her best to speak English all the time. She made a lot of mistakes (I do too ), invented some neologism, but my SO said he was always able to understand her, and we had some nice dinner conversation.
Unfortunately, my dad was not so motivated to speak English. He understood pretty much everything of what we said, but he kept answering Italian, which was very annoying as we knew he was able to speak some English! The "good" is that he did the same time last year when two of my friends from abroad came to visit me. So I was sure that it was not that he didn't like my SO!

Probably I felt so bad because in July when I was in Berlin, as his place, all his friends did an effort and spoke English with me. Every time I entered in the common Küsche (kitchen) they switched to English, and I almost forgot I was in Germany!

[Moon]

When I'm visiting Finland, and we go out with my boyfriend's friends, the conversations always end up in Finnish, even though they all speak English. I do feel kind of left out, but I've gotten used to it. This only happens when we're out as a group, so we don't do it that often, instead we see his friends a couple at a time to make conversations and translating easier.

[milaya]

Think a lot of people in international relationships do experience those kind of problems. Myself included.
A lot of my friends speak English, but that doesn't help considering the only language my husband can speak is Japanese. My husband is not even able to have a conversation with mother or father (who both only speaks Danish).
My husband is trying to learn Danish, since he does spend a lot of time here, but language and words are not his strong point so I kinda know he'll never be able to have a conversation in Danish.

In the beginning I thought it was okay, since I could just translate, but overall it got a problem when a lot of people gathered. Everybody spoke Danish and like your SO, my SO as well felt excluded and probably also bored.
It has recently become a bit better, since I moved and started university in a different part of the country a year ago. Because most of the friends I have in this new city are my classmates - meaning they study Japanese as a major and therefore they're able to have "simple" conversations with my SO. Even though they're still too shy to speak Japanese out of the classroom and my SO is too shy to speak to people at all XD It's a work in progress.

So yeah... I really don't have any advice... just that you're not alone on this.

[Zephii]

How tricky I feel so lucky to not have this problem.
I guess what I would do is say everything twice. Once in Italian so you're having the conversation, and once in English so your SO can follow it - and so they realise that he's being excluded if everything is in italian.

Also, don't just hang out with your friends. Do something with them, like when you're meeting up go and do bowling or laser tag - something were everyone can have fun that isn't centred around talking. Activities If you're with friends who know English, ask them to please speak it so that they can get to know your SO because it's important to you. They probably just haven't really thought about it.

[Engel]

when i was here in brazil the last time and my so came to visit (first time ever he was here), some of my riends did speak english with him, and was great, but some of them dont even try. pff

so i kept him around me and enjoyed our time together more than not.

in germany his friends speak english with me since the begin, and i think thats really kind of them. now they are so used, after 3 years knowing me, that even though i can have conversations in german they still feel more confortable to speak english around me, i guess we just got used to that! lol

[Dziubka]

I feel like I'm being mean here, but I really don't think it's fair to expect everyone to speak [language-2], because there's one person who doesn't understand [language-1].
I know how it feels to not understand conversations around you. I've been there and done that and I felt really lonely and excluded. But I've also been on the other side and it feels really strange and sort of artificial sometimes, and it's exhausting and complicated. So I really understand that as well.
I guess there's no real solution for this. You have to accept this in an international LDR. I don't think you should be embarrassed for your friends. It would of course be nice if they tried to speak English and included him in the conversation, but after all... he's your boyfriend. Your friends didn't chose to be in English-speaking company and even though they can theoretically speak English, it's very difficult for them and it'd be complicated for them to communicate with their friends. Plus a lot of the time he probably wouldn't understand much anyway, even if it was in English. Like if they talked about common friends or stuff.

Luckily most of my friends in Germany are Polish or Polish-German as well (I swear... it just sort of happened like that), so even though my boyfriend doesn't speak German very well, that's usually not much of a problem. And seeing as his English is even worse than his German and my German friends obviously don't speak Polish, there's nothing we could do about it anyway.

I guess this is just one of the things people in multi-lingual ldrs have to learn how to deal with. There's no 'solution' to this one really.

[lucybelle]

This is in no way an instant fix, but your SO should start learning Italian and you should start learning German (if you don't already know it). It's super important not only for communication issues, but to also understand each other's culture a little better. Even just a basic understanding is going to help.

Like everyone else who posted my SO and I have a similar issue. Although we are both fluent in each other's languages, when conversation gets fast, it's hard to understand. What I would do is have a conversation with my friend(s) and when something came up that had something to do with my SO, I'd ask him a question about it to make him feel included. For example: friend: "Hey I really like my job" me: "Hey SO, tell them about where you work!" You can translate for him.

Or just start a side conversation with your SO in English. Tell him "oh this is my friend from such and such we did this and this together" That way he's not just sitting around.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I think your SO should learn a little bit of Italian, just the basics, so then he can speak a little of the language. It might help in the sense he won't feel quite so left out See if it's possible for your friends to speak a little English around him. If your friends know the basics, and your SO knows the basics, it might just make the situation a little easier on them both.

[Kiara]

I think your SO should learn a little bit of Italian, just the basics, so then he can speak a little of the language. It might help in the sense he won't feel quite so left out

your SO should start learning Italian and you should start learning German (if you don't already know it). It's super important not only for communication issues, but to also understand each other's culture a little better. Even just a basic understanding is going to help.

As a couple of people have mentioned, knowing the language of the partner is important, and I perfectly agree with that! I'm studying German, and he's studying Italian. Unfortunately, our level is very low, like A1 in the European Common Reference (which means that we can talk about our family members, our university, our age, and favourite food!). Also, the language you learn in a book/audio book/class is so different from what young people speak! Accents and dialects are the worst enemy for beginners!
Last summer I was with my SO in Germany and we went to the bingo. I was supposed to understand all numbers, as I studied them (from 0 to 100, like kids do). Unfortunately, the guy had a strange pronunciation and he spoke way too fast for me :-(
The same when my SO came to Italy. He got a couple of words in my freinds' sentences, but they were not enough to understand not even the main topic of the conversation.
Being optimistic, I know that next year it will be better, but for the moment... He's coming soon and his Italian didn't improve in September.
I'm willing to try again and have a pizza (cheap dinner option in Italy, pretty common among friends) with my best friend and her boyfriend, remembering them that if they can make the effort of speaking English it will be apreciated. Also the idea of doing some activity instead of just chatting is a very good tip. Probably it's not so common in my country, where socialization is often linked with food and drinks. But last summer we had a good time when we went hiking with some friends, even though they spoke Italian during the 6h hike. I have to think about some activity we can do with my friends in October! Unfortunately bowling and laser game are not available here. But if you have other ideas, suggest, suggest, suggest please!

[Dziubka]

Activities are definitely a good idea.
Even really basic things like board or card games can help. You don't need a lot of vocabulary for them and it's a good way to include everyone.
When we visited my family earlier this year, we played Monopoly with my brother and his girlfriend and it was a lot of fun, even though my boyfriend's mum's boyfriend doesn't speak any German and my brother and his girlfriend don't know Polish. If you're into games, Uno, Rummikub or even Settlers of Catan (you only need very basic vocabulary for this) are also good ideas. And there's probably a million more (Scotland Yard? I'm not so very much into board games).

We discussed this with my boyfriend over the weekend... and I guess it's always difficult to integrate your SO in your circle of friends in an LDR. Even without the language barrier. Your friends have possibly known each other for a really long time, share a lot of interests or study or work together, while your SO might not have a lot in common with them at all. So even if they theoretically speak the same language, it's still difficult for them not to exclude your SO.
When I first met my boyfriend's friends they had all these inside jokes about people and stuff. So even though I understood the language, I couldn't really follow or even contribute to the conversation. (They were so sweet though and really made an effort to include me - I feel perfectly comfortable in their company now).
A language barrier just makes this 100x worse. The only way you can help this is by making your friends and your SO more comfortable with each other. Most likely if they get to know him better and start to like him, they'll make more of an effort to speak English or include him... and he will feel less excluded, if he gets the general feeling that they like him.

[JennyRW]

I think you should talk to your friends, ask them to be nice with your bf and try to do an effort, specially to those who you know study with books in English and who write articles in English... I would be offended with my friends if they do that when I know they know some English and they don't even try! SPecially when is with someone so important for me like my bf!

[DemonxOisin]

Yes, I had this in reverse. When I spent time with Miguel and his family this summer (who he had not seen for 6 months), the was a LOT of Spanish going on. It was such an odd feeling to have culture shock in BC! But it´s something I´m used to... I seem to have a tendency to make friends with Latin American people xD
His family felt really bad about it. They would forget sometimes to speak English, because it´s much faster for them, and a couple of them spoke only Spanish. But honestly, it´s not that bad, and it´s totally cool with me! If I listen, it helps me pick up word (especially with Miguel translating the basic gist of the conversation) One day, I´m going to have to become fluent in the language if I want to stay with him, and this helps (I should say also that my Spanish is... extremely basic, but enough that I can understand general topics of conversations.)