Selfish with his time... help? :(

[Ella.Reese]

I hate how selfish I can be in this LDR... and I feel I'm sabotaging it :/

Basically, here's the situation: I get jealous of the time he spends with his friends because I am jealous that we can't spend that same kind of time together. He sees his friends every day, and we see each other maybe once or twice a month. So if he can't talk or cuts a conversation short to hang out with friends, I instantly get upset because I feel almost left out. So what does the selfish me do? I hide this [unreasonable] hurt by being petty about getting off the phone/Skype. I know this thoroughly pisses him off--it's not like we don't talk. We talk ALL the time. But somehow I find it so hard to say bye.

It's one of those things that I know that I do, but it's difficult to stop it. I have my own friends I hang out with a lot, and I keep myself busy with school, work, other hobbies. So it's not any of that. I'm just being needy and clingy (which I never was before we were LD!). Any time I am free to talk, it's like I'm expecting him to be as well. I'm such a hypocrite...if I am the one with friends, he acts like any normal person would and readily agrees we can talk later. Why is this such a difficult concept for me to just go with? Why am I making things more difficult, half-intetnionally?!

So in a nutshell, I'm not mad at him for hanging out with his friends. I'm upset/jealous of the fact that we can't do the same But it keeps causing irrational fights! Anyone else ever felt this way?

[kiara_silver]

I do and I don't. My SO will go out when were talking. Or like example recently I wanted to skype on cam and see him, but he said he cant he was leaving soon to see a friend. (but given his friend was moving) This happens alot. And I don't love it per-say but I also appreciate that he tells me ahead of time, he just doesn't leave right away tells me in a hour advance or so. And I want him to have a good time. Plus sometimes im not talkative lol so im glad we have a good special moments then he goes before i bore him. But over all I try to think of his feelings and put him first. Sometimes we just want there attention and we want it now! Were frustrated with the distance, and being alone and we kind of expect them to just make us feel better. But we do still sort of live separate lives, and can't wait around the clock and and around our SO's schedule. So as hard as it it, I think you just have to keep biting your tongue and let him go. You say you guys do talk alot, and that you go out with your friends, you should give him the same respect. That being said i also always think its good to let your feelings out. Let him know how you feel, but respect his feelings as well. Best of luck

[Minerva]

Oh yes. Going through this right now.

I LOVE that he goes out with friends, and I love that he has other people in his life. But he plays an online game that can eat up a lot of his time. He asks me, "do you mind if I pop into the game for a little while?" and I, not wanting to be a harpy, always say, "go, go. Have fun." Lately it's been bugging me, because I feel like he wants to play the game more than talk to me. Which is NOT AT ALL TRUE. It just feels like it. But I still put on my happy little "have fun!" and pretend it doesn't hurt that he wants to stop talking to me to play his game. It's completely unreasonable of me, and it's taken me awhile to figure out why it upsets me. It's as you say: I want to be having as much fun with him as he has with his friends while playing. I want to have something for us to do besides IMing and Skyping. I want us to do something together. I don't have this problem at all when he goes out with his friends; I think this only bothers me because to me, it seems like something we could do, but don't. I can't join him when he visits with friends, but I could play an online game with him, and we don't. I feel like I'm missing out on something with him. And I feel like since we're LD, we don't have a lot of options for doing things CD couples do, like date night or movies or just making dinner together. I want more from him, I want more for us as a couple. And it comes out as jealousy over a game.

We've decided that I need to tell him when I want him to be there for me, and I guess that will help. And I'd like to search out games we could play together (I won't Yoko his current game, lol). I think it will get better. I think this is just one of those things those of us in LDRs have to cope with. We want our SOs to be happy, so that means often they're going to be having fun without us. And I'm really OK with that.

[HollzHeartsChris]

My SO and I've been having this problem lately. He always wants to play video games with his friends during the time that we have together, but unfortunately it's also the only time he can play with them. He sees them at school every weekday and often plays with them online at the weekends. Now, I have uni every weekday and because I'm studying nursing, I'll soon be having to work long ward shifts that may run through the night or day, 24/7 pretty much. So our time is constricted. Now, I don't want to bug him and be annoying in any way, so I don't often complain. I know he needs his own time and that he also needs to spend time with his friends, but lately he's been spending more time with them than he has with me, so I've been feeling a little neglected. Last night, I got upset and told him how I felt and that we needed to work a balance out. I told him I felt a little neglected, and he apologised and said that he was going to make it so that got plenty of time to speak to one another without it ruining the time he has with his friends. So far so good, and telling him how I felt seems to have done the trick It crossed his mind that maybe he would need to change the time he spends with his friends a little, since he was afraid I was beginning to feel a bit put out. I was, but we sorted the problem and all is well again

I'll admit, sometimes I get jealous of the time he gets with his friends. But I put it aside, because I don't want to dominate his time.

[folclor]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I used to be like this all the time. when we were first going out (we met online) he was online every night for hours and hours just to talk to me and would ignore everyone else. Eventually, though, he started hanging out with his friends and spending weekends gaming or going to movies. I really couldn't understand, for the life of me, why he wanted to go hang out with the people he saw all day at work (he and his best friend used to work at the same place along with a couple other friends) and be with the people he saw every day when we weren't going to get to see each other for a year. But, honestly, it's not something wrong with you or something wrong with him. He likely just wants some time to do whatever. If y'all talk a lot he probably just wants some time "to himself" as it were, even if it's not him being alone. Everyone needs a break once in a while, yeah?

Don't be too hard on yourself, though. being away from the man you love is really really hard. I don't know how long y'all have been LD, but it might be better to set up expected times to talk with him. Like, if y'all talk every night that's great, but why not talk every night if you feel like it, meaning you can go hang out with friends, he can go hang out with friends, whatever, and then set a night that's just yours so that way you feel special and you'll expect not to talk all that time.

I hope things go well for you!

[LeilaniJoi]

I can't really relate to this except to say that it's good that you recognize it and are trying to fix it. Admittedly you go with your friends and such and have a life outside of the LDR. Maybe, rather than waiting for him to say goodbye or suggest he is going out somewhere and needs to leave, you take the initiative to end the conversation first. Make it a game... don't be ugly about it or petty, but just make the choice to go and do something and try to let yourself do the limitations. In other words, set the conversations on your terms, not on his. If anything, it will make him a little insecure (hehe) and more eager to talk to you when you're around.

When we were LDR we were always in contact, even if it was just by text message. I worked and he worked and our schedules were crazy with other stuff too, but even if we weren't on skype or voice, we were always in contact by text. Even if it was just a quick "i love you" and not a conversation. Truthfully though, backing off of being extremely needy is a great way to make them sit up and take notice and pull them even closer to you. I know it's hard... but you can do it.. If I can then anyone can

[Ms.Justine]

I can't really relate to this except to say that it's good that you recognize it and are trying to fix it. Admittedly you go with your friends and such and have a life outside of the LDR. Maybe, rather than waiting for him to say goodbye or suggest he is going out somewhere and needs to leave, you take the initiative to end the conversation first. Make it a game... don't be ugly about it or petty, but just make the choice to go and do something and try to let yourself do the limitations. In other words, set the conversations on your terms, not on his. If anything, it will make him a little insecure (hehe) and more eager to talk to you when you're around.

When we were LDR we were always in contact, even if it was just by text message. I worked and he worked and our schedules were crazy with other stuff too, but even if we weren't on skype or voice, we were always in contact by text. Even if it was just a quick "i love you" and not a conversation. Truthfully though, backing off of being extremely needy is a great way to make them sit up and take notice and pull them even closer to you. I know it's hard... but you can do it.. If I can then anyone can

My thoughts exactly

[hxcbreakdance]

I know how you feel. It took me several months once my SO left for school for me to get over jealousy. Every time he went to hang out with his friends I would get sooooo mad! I would always just think he should spend that time with me and I was mad that I couldn't be there experiencing all the fun with him. It takes some time to adjust, it probably took me close to a year to just get over it and tell myself when he wants to talk we'll talk because I know he'll always make time for me.