I can't get him to start making plans.

[Malaga]

Hey everyone.
As you can see from the ticker, we've been together for about a year. In the last couple of months we got a lot closer than before, particularly after our last visit. If we were in a CDR, we'd be moving in at this point, I'm pretty sure of that.
I never had any reason to believe he wasn't serious about us, I still don't. I know he wants to close the distance. He talks about the future like he's certain we'll be living together. I just can't get him to start making plans. Or even just preliminary talks. I tried approaching the subject a couple of times before, but whenever I do he just freezes. If I get answers, they are like, "in time my love", "patience", etc. I didn't insist as I didn't want to start a fight. I thought it might've been too early to talk about it. But lately I feel like we really ought to start slowly considering our options. We're both quite slow and indecisive and we'll need a lot of time to organize anything.

Tonight I tried to bring up the subject, but he froze yet again. I don't know what to think anymore. Is it too soon for me to press this? He seems to think so. But nothing can happen overnight anyway, from the moment we start planning until the moment we actually close the distance at least a year will pass while things are being taken care of. Maybe even more. Even if we decide to wait for another year or two before we go ahead with the plan, it'll still be easier for me to have something specific to look up to.
We haven't even decided who'll be the one to move. Basically we haven't talked about it at all except for the fact we do want it to happen and we plan to get married within the next 5 years.

Or maybe he's afraid to commit? He acts committed and trustworthy - as long as he doesn't have to make a decision. When he has to decide, he freezes. Even planning these short visits is a mission. He generally has a problem with not being decisive or proactive enough. I do too in nearly every aspect of my life - but this is something I'm really motivated for. I get the feeling like he's waiting for it to just happen somehow.

What do you people think?

[Anolinde]

Hi, I just wanted to reply to this because I have been through pretty much the exact same thing. I'm a planner and my SO used to get really upset when we'd talk about these things, to the point it'd cause fights and he'd beg me to drop it. He's much better now. Basically I don't really know why some people act like this but from personal experience, perhaps you just need to let up on the subject for a while, he may just be feeling overwhelmed and needs time. It took a long time for my SO to finally accept talking about the future and plans. But now he does and I'm glad I waited, he seems very much into talking about things now. I guess people just figure things out in their own time and it's best not to push them or force things. Patience is a virtue and I struggle with it. Good Luck though In whatever you decide to do, hope my words had at least some help.

[Fyrestar]

My SO will not make plans he cannot guarantee. This is his stance on it.. he also told me I could talk about anything and I called that voucher on him.. and I said.. these are "plans" this is just what I have in my head..

I don't want to be sleeping alone in 7 years.. sooner or later.. we will meet.. he.. is a musician and travels.. currently on tour- and due to tour here 2012... and I said.. I suspect we will meet then.. and after that he wants to date.. proximity can change things.. and at first I thought this was silly but the more I thought about it the more I liked it.. and I have a feeling it is important to him as well. So I threw out a few suggestions for that.. (you at last have visits to base something on)

I went on to say... my children are grown, your child is young, you have the better job.. for this to move forward.. obviously one of us will be moving.. and obviously and logically it would be me. And I continued with.. this isn't a set in stone timeline.. but I would rather be putting water in a bucket with a plan on where it's going then to fill it up endlessly and not know.. he got the analogy.. we do not discuss the future so much.. and when we do.. we are in it together.. and much like your SO.. there are strong hints there.. but those are questions.. I truly don't want to ask or be answered just yet. Enjoy each day...

I told him... if we hadn't met by the 1.5 yr mark.. I was flying to his country lol. One can only be so patient and more power to those that enjoy the LDR for longer.. but to me there is a point where .. something has to give.. what that point is.. depends on each relationship.. and how long you are willing to wait.. and patience..

Best of luck...

[snow_girl]

If he isn't ready to start discussing it then back off a bit. I know it would be nice to know where the relationship is sailing to but if you press the issue too much it won't help you get there. I am guessing you are both still young and living at home? If that is the case then this is not just a little step to be talking about distance closing. Give him some time, let him be the one to bring it up and like he said, be patient.

[lucybelle]

I think you should press him about the issue. The thing I would ask is how long do you plan on staying LD? For me I was not going to for longer than 3 years. But there's some people who say they'll wait forever. I think you should decide that first, and then move into how to close the distance. Find out how long you are willing to wait and how long he is willing to wait.

[Malaga]

Thanks for all your opinions, it was actually very helpful in my thinking process. Discussing such a topic over the distance *is* quite awkward, for both of us to be honest. We've talked about the subject a bit last week and it seems like we're both entertaining the idea. But I also think we need more visits before we can start making plans and not feel strange about it. I guess I'm mostly relieved that we still seem to be on the same page, but we need more time in person.
We've used a flight sale and booked monthly weekend visits from November to March. Maybe this intensified contact speeds things up.

Thank you all xx