HELP

[tigerlilly]

Hi guys,

I need your advice. I am living in Greece* for 4 and a half months to do a dolphin training internship. I left my boyfriend at home in North America and we had only dated 4 months before I left. We both agreed to keep dating and he even said he would come visit. Its almost month 4 now. He booked his trip and he discussed everything, and a couple days later he said he couldn't do it anymore. He said he was having a really hard time with the distance and wanted to stop talking/take a break until i get back to make things easier. He is not coming to visit anymore because he is confused and needs to figure out why he has been so sad and why it has been so hard. What should I do? I feel that he should be making more of an effort to come and see me. He says that he thinks coming to visit will mess things up with us and I don't understand his logic there. Why won't he come and visit?

he says that he wants to start dating again, start over, when I get back in less than a month, but we are still technically dating now and talking almost everyday still. he says that long distance is too hard and he is not the type of guy to talk on the phone or send messages, that he wants me there with him. I love him and he says he loves me, and I want to help make it easier for him.

*place changed to protect identity

[xsomanymilesx]

why cant he come and see you? and you're back in less than a month? it doesnt make sense... i dont get it. he must have a really low tolerence/patience level or something. i dont know what advice to give you because... he says 'start' dating again, what does that mean? if you think that you are already dating... is it possible to say hes seeing other women when you are away and its kinda a way of saying 'well while you were away we didnt count'?
i am unsure. hopefully someone else can give you better advice.. if unsure on my advice i always say 'talk to him' because talking is the key in ANY reletionship...good luck.

[Caitlin2009]

If you have less then a month to return back to him whats his problem??? I think he maybe using that as an excuse to see other people, thats what it sounds like to me. there are people here myself included who have to endure a long distance relationship for months sometimes years even! one more month will not kill him, but it really doesnt sound like hes being all that loyal to you

[Rach321]

Hmmm... this does seem like a difficult situation, and I really can't say for sure why he would feel this way.

The first thing that came to my mind was the cost of the trip. If he's having doubts about your relationship, it may be difficult for him to justify to himself spending the money to come see you. So, in his mind, it's easier to just kind of let go until you're back???

I'm afraid relationships really are a two-way street. So if he's not willing to talk about it or work on it, then there isn't much you can do except to decide how you are going to deal with it. You can be patient with him and wait until you get back to see how things turn out, or you may decide that if he's not willing to work on it now, it's not worth it for you to stay in the relationship. Either way, I know it's not easy and I'm very sorry for any heartbreak you are feeling.

[Michelle]

Hmm, it doesn't make a lot of sense, but he probably has a lot more going through his mind then we could ever decipher. But boys oh boys, I would love a legitimate excuse to go to Bermuda.

Looking on the bright side, luckily, you only have less than a month to go, instead of several months or even years before ending the distance.

[tigerlilly]

Thanks Ladies! Thank you for your advice. Its really nice to know that there is a group of women out there going through the same thing and here to help each other!
About the money, I have suggested several times ways that we could reduce costs, such as staying with me at the place i am staying and not in a hotel, not going out to eat, making meals at home, etc. He has said that its too expensive, but I think this may just be an excuse. He said he needs time to figure things out, and wanted to take a break until I got back. I am giving him a week and then putting my foot down, because the distance is hard enough without talking at all. About the infidelity comments, I am not sure, but he has told me that during this break he would like for us to NOT date other people, to stay true to each other and not see anyone while I am here. He told me that if I were to date someone else, it would hurt him the most. I don't think that other girls are the issue here.

The thing that I don't understand is that he thinks that coming to see me will "mess things up". Our whole issue with the relationship now IS the distance, and thats the only issue. We both miss each other terribly, and to me, coming to see me would make the most sense and help to cure his sadness and frustration. I feel he may be worried that we don't have the same connection we did when I first left, and we have only been dating 7 months. But isn't that what love is about? working on it even when its hard? trying to find that connection again because you do love each other? It is very confusing. I think i will talk to him about it as soon as I can.

[Mio]

I'm sorry that you're going thru this, I would be bummed! I hope you can work something good for both of you out!