It's hard sometimes to be so patient...

[Alisz]

I haven't been here for awhile as I've been trying to accomplish things in my life. I'm not too worried about it because I know it will take time and progress (even if it's only little by little) is being made. I feel the same way towards our relationship.

I'm not worried about the status of our relationship. We still love each other and we're still committed to it. We still talk about our future together and acknowledge that it's not going to be instant, but it will happen. Someday.

We've been together 2 years and still haven't had a visit yet. I know there are obstacles in our way that make it a bit more difficult. Like, it'll be easier on us if he visits me first and meets my family. They're stubborn and I know drama would happen if I took off to go see him. I also don't have my own place at the moment, so there are extra expenses for a hotel room. It's a one time deal though, but it's still more money. Then there's the fact that he insists on paying for it all. He doesn't want me to help with the finances. It's partially because he would feel uncomfortable with it being his trip, but I think a large part is that he'd never hear the end of it from his family who are kinda old fashioned with things like that. He's the man of the house, so he should pay his way, blah blah blah.

I don't doubt that he's working hard to save up the money. There have just been... obstacles. He lives with his family and his money is their money. Since he doesn't have to pay rent, he pools his money with their to buy things like groceries and gas. What also happens is if there's something that needs to be fixed or replaced, then they dip into that money as well. I'm not saying it's wrong because for them fixing the car is more important than visiting me. I get that. It's just unfortunate because it constantly feels like he's taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

Whenever I bring it up he tells me that once the credit card is paid off he'll be able to book the tickets and everything. This credit card has a $1k debt on it. The tickets cost less than half that, but he can't use it unless it's paid off. Now, I don't own a credit card, but I've lived with my mother long enough to know that she never gets it paid off fully... The one time was after we sold the house. But that's the deal he's made with his family... I just can't help feeling so helpless.

I'm worried that he might grow to resent me as well. The other day he was talking about upgrading his computer. It would cost close to $200. Almost the price of a plane ticket. I subtly mentioned it and I could hear the disappointment in his voice. I don't want to be the reason he can't enjoy other things... I mean, I want him to be happy and buy things that will make him happy. Except there's that nagging feeling in the back of mind that feels like he'd rather have that than see me. I know it's not true and ridiculous, but I can't help it.

*sigh* I know money is a touchy subject. It's not like they have loads of it. I don't either. I just don't really know what to do at this point. I could bring it up again, but it feels like we're talking in circles. It's always back to that credit card and he'll say that it's almost paid off, but then there will be something that it needs to pay for and we'll be delayed again.

[LilyChiba]

On the note of the credit card, that's not true at all. Both my parents (when my father was alive) and even my house mate have paid them off plenty of times. And at the end of the day, if you can't trust that, then cut the card up after. People know what they are getting into with one and now that they have the debit cards, there's really no need to go through the hassle of a credit card, in my eyes at least. I'm going to avoid getting one for as long as possible. And trust me, I completely understand the never ending costs of life. My car needs like $1200 in repairs right now. $800 of it is necessary. What he should do, is I know its not much, but maybe put $10-20 in a jar every paycheck? My mum always told me to do that and in a way, I was able to buy a necklace doing it.

And yeah, men are silly. Instead of buying a new mic and cam (for 1-2 months mind you too), my SO bought himself a new phone. It made him happy, but upset me because I hadn't heard him in sooo long. He still hasn't got a cam. I know he's saving up for his passport, but there are some things I feel that are needed to keep us both going. That was one of them, since we can't call. Worst part is my mum does have some money in a bank and it would be easy for her to send me over there (she even promised if I got my green card she would), but now she is being stubborn and making him come here. Which he can't til next year. So I've had to wait another year just to see him because of her not seeing things. She complained that I said he could only come a week. I could have gone there for three months. He works, I don't. Simple. Families just turn a blind eye onto things like this in my experience. But I hope everything works out for ya.

[kiara_silver]

I know the waiting gets hard. It was two years before we met in person. But since he's the one paying and traveling you have to wait and be patient. With the money issue family does come first. My SO was originally planning to come sooner, but then he had to loan some money, and it seemed like things wouldn't happen for alot longer. And yes its hard to wait longer but I don't think its fair to get upset by that. I get the buying extra things, like when my SO was here he was saying he wanted to get a new toy lol he likes scooters and bikes and such, but he said that would upset me, spending on that rather than come see me. Which is true and not true. I would be sad with the wait yeah course I want to be with him. But I fully would understand, support and be okay with it, because 1. it is his money, and 2 I want him to be happy.Waiting is hard, I know and get that but its part of being a LDR. My suggestion would be what Lilychiba said. And have him just put 10-20 bucks aside every month. Its not alot but its better than nothing, and thats visit money only, and slowly save up, and if he gets more during that and can see you sooner great! I know its hard, but hang in there.

[Mara]

*hugs*

I agree with kiara that he should just start putting money aside every month that is just visit money only that under no circumstances is to be touched. It doesn't have to be a lot of money, just whatever he can afford, but every month at least put that much aside and if he has more he can put more aside. I've had credit cards and trying to pay those off is an uphill battle. I've also saved up money for things before and the best thing that has worked for me is just setting the money aside and under no circumstances touching it. I also understand your SO wanting to pay for things, but would he at least let you pay for half of the hotel or anything?

[Alisz]

The biggest issue I have with the credit card is that it's not his. It's his mother's, so it's in her name. I also suspect this debt on it that he's paying is largely not his. He just has to pay it so he can use the card for booking the tickets and hotel. I'm not exactly sure if debit credit cards are valid for those things. I had a relative who was traveling and seem to recall it wasn't accepted.

I honestly feel strange talking about the subject of money with him because he's never brought it up on his own. I'm always the one to ask how it's going and even then he's kinda stand-offish about it. He'll just say that it's almost paid off and be vague about the amount that's left. I know he works part-time, but I don't know how much he earns each paycheck and since he doesn't volunteer the information I feel really weird asking. Money has kinda always been an issue for him and I think he gets embarrassed about it. I definitely try to talk to him about setting money aside that is only for a visit though.

I did talk to him before about letting me pay for the hotel because it's my family that's the reason he'll have to stay in one. He was insistent on paying for it. He also wants to make the best impression he can on my family, so he thinks showing that he can pay for everything will show them that he can be responsible. It's also why he won't stay at the house because he doesn't want to intrude (even though I insisted) because they don't know him yet. It's all very sweet and I know they'll appreciate it. He's pretty set on this. I did, however, manage for him to let me take care of the other expenses while he's here, like travel, food, entertainment.

The whole computer thing kind of upset me. It was just so conflicting for me. I know it's his money and he can do what he wants with it. I want him to be happy too and I know having a better computer for him means we can do more things online together. At the same time he was ready to order these parts that were at least 2/3 of the value of a visit here and I would take seeing him for a few days over more things to share online any day. And I really wouldn't care so much if he'd already visited, but we haven't even seen each other once and I've been waiting at least a year... I don't even know how he could lose sight of that. After I pointed it out he held off on buying it. Except I don't know if he stopped because he could use that money for a visit or if he realized he could get better deals if he waited a couple months...

I guess it's really just bugging me because I see that it's taking this long just for use to see each other once. In my mind, it's like, how will we ever get to the point of living together? I see people on here who have successfully closed the distance after 3-4 years and I can't help but think it'll be that long just for us to meet. But then I know after this initial visit things will get a lot easier.

[Engel]

i understand about feeling unconfortable to ask how much he makes per month. before i lived with my so i was like that as well.

this year i spent the first month in germany, than 3 months in brazil, and he came to visit me, them i wnet back to germany with him and he visited his grandma in russia, i was 4 months in germany, now i have to stay 3 months in brazil and will go back to germany in december. for good this time because we will get married in january.


my mother loves him as a son, and offered to pay for his ticket to visit me in those 3 last months of me here in brazil, as he would not have the money for it (since he travelled two times this year already and isnt rich), so he will arrive here this sunday and my mom is the one paying for it, but i know its a different situation, we are 3 years together and going to get married, so he is pratically family already.


but i hope things turn out ok for you, and i liked the suggestion of 20 to 25 dollars in the jar per month. i think it id doable! as long as he doesnt use that money for other things when he needs. it needs to be like that money doesnt exist til is time to book the tickets!