Bad self-esteem is making me miserable in my LDR

[sb85]

I've been trying to figure out why I've been so sad in this LDR compared to my previous one. My current boyfriend is a thousand times more awesome than my ex boyfriend in my ex LDR, and we also get to visit each more often then a couple of times a year. So why the f*** have I been feeling so sad? Last night, after many tears, I finally figured it out.

It's my self-esteem. You see, my boyfriend has a huge array of close female friends. That's fine and dandy, but all of these girls are gifted by being so well-rounded. They're all attractive, friendly, very intelligent, and very athletic. Then we have myself. I'm very mediocre. Yeah, I'm kinda smart, kinda athletic, not grotesque. But I'm so average and live far away. My biggest fear in this LDR is that he's going to pick from one of those girls and give me the boot. I mean, why not? They're so well-rounded and live locally with him.

I try to turn it around by reminding myself that he must see something special in me since he's with me. I also try to tell myself that he must be a really great person if he has so many friends. But no, it doesn't work.

My ex boyfriend went after one of his female friends (that's why he's my ex) in my last LDR so that just perpetuates my poor self-esteem.

Anyway, I feel down in the dumps I don't know if there's anything anyone can do or say that will pull me out. It just sucks. I've always had poor self-esteem but now that I'm in an LDR, it's magnified. For example, one night he didn't answer the phone and didn't call back. I took it to mean that he was thinking of dumping me (my ex bf started ignoring my phone calls before our fallout). The following day when he called, I started freaking out on the phone and he was completely clueless.

I really don't know what to do. I don't think I'm cut out for an LDR

[Enric]

He already choosed being with you. And he had those friends before of that, right?

Don't worry too much, it just will make you feel worse. He is with you surely because he prefers you, and perhaps he saw more good things in you than in those friends.

[Laura_N]

I'm gonna give you an example that I hope shows you that not everyone chooses the easy path to go even if it's right there on a plate offered to you.

I live with two roommates, and before I even started talking to my SO I had a crush on my other roommate. Now, because it seems like this could matter to many people, I will mention that her body structure is what many women call ideal: thin and big boobs, long hair, beautiful smile, all that. Over one year ago she told me she's not interested and so, some time ago this autumn, she came to my room one night and directly told me she's now interested in me. A young and definitely good looking woman on my bed, right there, when my SO is away in another country and we've been having some minor problems... What do I do?

I gently tell my roommate I'm not interested anymore and I want to remain as friends only, and that I've got my SO. Even if I had had feelings for her earlier and even though it could have been an easy option, I'm totally into my SO. We have good chemistry, I care for her deeply and I would never hurt her on purpose. For me my SO is beautiful, intelligent, funny, sexy... all those things, but someone else could call her average. It doesn't matter what you look like or if you aren't as smart as the girl sitting next to you. I'm average too. Your SO loves you for who you are, and obviously you are special. We all have our flaws, I know I do and I know my SO does, but I would never change anything in her personality. I bet your SO wouldn't change anything in you either.

I know what it is like to have insecurities. I have had major ones in the past, and my SO has some trust issues. Still, I'm no expert in these things. All I can say is that not everyone are the same, and even if your SO has some good looking female friends, it doesn't have to mean anything. There are people who are my friends who sure look nice and all that, but who I could never imagine or want being anything else but friends. It takes more than a pretty surface or a great personality to fall in love with someone, there must be that sparkle there somewhere. He obviously has that with you. If these things keep bugging you, try to be open about them and talk to your boyfriend. And give yourself time.

[yayagrl]

First, you should express these feelings to him, if only just to hear his reassurance. Second, you need to try your best to let go of the past. You shouldn't let one man's mistakes preview or dictate another. Third, get yourself some hobbies. Things to distract you and make you feel good. Whatever it may be. It sounds a bit silly, but it will keep you occupied and less worried about your SO. Hobbies are good for finding friends or at least acquaintances. I mean what's better then finding someone you know you already have something in common with? Last and most important work on you. I understand having insecurities as everyone has at least one, whatever it may be. Some days I feel I'm mediocre and others I feel sub par, but I know I'm good enough for my SO no matter what. Even if it takes standing in the mirror and telling yourself you're beautiful do whatever it takes to bring your self-esteem up. Also if you don't feel like you're cut out for LDR's then don't keep dragging yourself into them?

[bananabrain]

The following day when he called, I started freaking out on the phone and he was completely clueless.

I think this proves that you're being too paranoid. It seems like you're judging from the past...
Also, it shouldn't matter if you're supposedly mediocre compared to his other female friends. To quote Sam Keen, love isn't finding a perfect person; it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. If he's dedicated enough to maintain a long-distance relationship with you, then I believe he has the ability to do that. Therefore, I say you shouldn't think about him changing his mind.

[Rugger]

I If he's dedicated enough to maintain a long-distance relationship with you, then I believe he has the ability to do that. .

This. LDRs are not fun. They are not easy. For someone to be in an LDR, they have to make a lot of sacrifices and deal with a lot of heartache. Someone would not do this unless they cared about the other person. It would be easy for your SO to have his friends, but hes not with them is he? He's with you. He's putting up with all this shit to be with YOU, not them.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I agree with the above posters. Some people think being in an LDR is easy, but it isn't. Your SO could have chosen one of his girl mates over you, but he chose you. He would rather endure the heartache, the pain in order to be your boyfriend. He loves YOU for who YOU are. You say you're average, but he doesn't see that...He sees you like he sees no other girl, else why would he be in an LDR with you? Why would he love you so much? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, this is what I've learnt from my SO

[Bobbiejeanne]

I just recently went through the same thought process as you with being worried about the amount of friends that were girls that my SO had. I came here, just like you, and got some awesome advice... so I'll try and share it with you:

Talk to him! Just because you feel like it's all in your head does not mean you should just keep it up there. Explain to him your feelings, and maybe that conversation will shed some like on the problem. For all you know, he could be feeling the same about that best guyfriend you have! It really can strengthen your bond by sharing those moments.

You and your SO are together for a reason, even if at times that may be clouded with doubt, you are. You have your reasons why you love him, and he has his.
Maybe you two should right them down and send to each other to have... I just did that for my SO's birthday, and he loved every moment of it; he felt so special.

I hope I can help! Feel free to PM me if you need to talk more

[kiara_silver]

I been here, Im getting alot better though I don't worry so much. I used to get paranoid a bit. Because my SO is so good looking and he has a few female friends that are really pretty, or even if there acquaintances, plus he has other online friends who are really pretty. And at my weak moments I would get those what if's. But like many of the above posters said. He chose you, he wants you. Being in a LDR is hard, it takes commitment to make it work, a guys not going to go through it if he doesn't want to make it work. Im not the prettiest girl, def not the smartest, or athletic. But some reason my SO picks and loves me, like Laura_N said, we all have flaws but it doesn't matter when it love.
Just talk to your SO and let him know how you feel. It helps to get that reassurance from him sometimes, helps me.

[SDPersona]

I've had my fair share of times where my self-esteem and my confidence was extremely low and I was almost always in a terrible mood, so I can relate to you very well.

I agree with what the others said about talking to your SO, that this talk may relieve some of your worries and fears but I think ultimately you're going to have to work at your self-esteem yourself. It means learning to love or at least like yourself the way you are. There are strong and weak points about you and your job is to focus on those that YOU like about you - like your back or some other characteristics. Also try to forgive yourself for what you perceive as your weakness or fault or whatever. Like the fact that you feel mediocre and you're not being very kind to yourself about that. Really, it's okay to be mediocre, in fact it's okay to be you. And who knows, maybe you might find out that your SO likes you just for the way you are! After all, there's only one of you out of billions of people. You're unique! So, please, don't put yourself down...

[floridaellen]

I have that issue sometimes as well. My boyfriend also has a lot of attractive female friends who are quite....promiscious. It makes me nervous sometimes but then I remember he loves me and only has eyes for me.