Coping with the break-up...

[screammaayday]

Hi everyone. To anyone who saw my last thread, you know my SO broke up with me last Thursday.

We went two days without talking afterwards and then she finally told me why. She wants to be free her senior year and the distance is just too much with no definite date of the distance being closed, although I'd told her I'd go to Umass Dartmouth with her and with my grades and extra curriculars, it should be no problem getting in. I have a 4.0 GPA, throughout my high school career. I'm graduating next year, a year early and am up for a $10,000 scholarship. Academics are my strong point and I already have a financial plan and know what I want to major in. To say I'm ambitious is putting it lightly.

We are on good terms, we talk when she feels like, as I told her I don't feel comfortable initiating the contact because I'm still unstable. She is, too, but she's better at calming me down.

She tells me she truly does see her future with me, but just not right now with the current situation. She says she'd like it to fall into place once I graduate and we're both single at that time and we just rekindle our earlier flame.

She also tells me she will get over me, just as I will get over her. For me, this is kind of painful to hear. Both her getting over me and me getting over her.

I know what statistics say and I know everyone tells me I will get over her.

And if it was anyone else in the world, I'd agree. My last girlfriend, I knew I would heal in time and I was right. All it took was time. We dated for a year and broke up on our one year anniversary because we were also long distance and we agreed it was too much, going a year without meeting.

This time, I feel something different. I am the kind of person who knows that time heals all wounds and I always know I'll get better. I don't feel that way this time. I don't feel that I'm going to stop loving her with time, because I know time heals all wounds, but I don't think it heals love because love doesn't need to be healed.

It just really bothers me when everyone tells me I'm going to get over her and move on. Because truth be told, I don't want to. I would like to be with her. And evidently, she would, too, but just not at this point in time. Which brings me to another fear. I'm afraid that in the time it takes me to graduate high school, she will have moved on. That frightens me a lot.

I'm trying to tell myself that if it's meant to happen, it will happen, when the time is right. But I go back and forth between thinking that's not true and trying my hardest to believe it. I feel like I'm going crazy, to be honest.

Anyone else go through this after a breakup?

[JennyRW]

I am sorry about you feeling this way and about the break up. I never felt like that before but I wish you the best for yourself, if it's your destiny to be with her, you'll be with her. If it's your destiny to be with another person that is what is going to happen, just the best for you. I learned that sometimes we really want something and we feel miserable when we don't get it, and we cannot understand why we didn't get it. But when time goes we open our eyes and realizes that actually to not get that thing we wanted so much was a good think because now we got something much better...

[adielovesshelbs]

im really sorry to hear about this. i cant imagine how hard it must be right now. in the past, i had a hard time dealing with a break up that was CD. i read a few articles about how to deal with it. you feel that you dont want to get over her but you need to for yourself. dont hang onto what if we get back together, what if she changes her mind? she said she wants to be a free so you need to give her that option. also, if you let her go and if you both are meant to be then she will come back. the best thing would be honestly, to cut out all contact with her. i know that seems drastic and you may not want to but she is the one who said she wanted her time. you love her, so you need to do what she wants and needs. it will be hard, very hard. this may open her eyes that she wants to be with you and being free was not what she wanted. it would be easier for you to just let go that way you can heal and if you do get back in the relationship it will be awesome, but only if you allow yourself to heal from this. good luck.

[Minerva]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry. I can tell how much you care for her.

A friend once told me that one of the most painful things to go through in life is heartbreak, but because everyone does, it makes people less sympathetic when it happens to someone else. Everyone knows you'll heal, but that's not really what you want to hear when the pain is fresh.

I had a good friend once. Also LD. I loved him dearly, almost from the start. He's just that kind of guy that people love, y'know? I felt honored to be his friend, because he doesn't get close to a lot of people, even though he has a lot of superficial friendships. We tried to push our friendship into something more. We were both stupid and lonely and emotional, and neither of us loved the other in a romantic way, but for some reason we convinced ourselves we did. It was a disaster. We tried going back to friendship, but it was never the same. A few weeks ago, he contacted me on Facebook after years out of touch. It was really nice. But we didn't rekindle our friendship. It's just... lost. And it breaks my heart.

Here's my point: I still love him just as dearly as ever. I'll never stop. I doubt we'll ever be friends again, but I still hold out hope. No matter what happens in my life, how many years pass, I'll always love him. I've made other friends that I love just as much (my SO was my best friend for a couple of years), but it won't change the love I have for my friend.

Love her. Don't stop. You might end up together, you might not, but you never have to stop loving her.

I hope it gets easier for you.

*hugs again*

[screammaayday]

All of your advice has been wonderful. I've been trying to occupy myself. She does not want to cut contact with me; she's said that already.

Minerva, your advice about how I never have to stop loving her really made me feel better. I've felt quite crazy since it happened, because I still want to be with her, I still want to love her. And with everyone telling me I need to stop, it's made me feel even more crazy. So having some reassurance that it's okay to love her still, really helped.

[Lissy]

First of all, I am sad to hear this. My heart goes out to you, and I'll be wishing you the best and thinking of you. *hug*

I agree with Minerva, about how you never have to stop loving her. I know that if my girlfriend broke things off with me today, I'd be devastated, and I'd have no desire to get over her or move on. So you don't have to make a decision to do that. There's no obligation. Take it a day at a time, at your own pace. You don't have to cut contact if you don't want to. Go on with your life, but not with the intention of forgetting her. It's good that you two are still friends and on speaking terms. If you want to one day get back together, my advice would be to just be there for her as a friend, a confidant, and a support system. I think you'll be able to find a happy medium, without obsessing over her, yet not trying to avoid her.

When I was falling for my girlfriend, she was very much interested in someone else, and had been for a very long time (the person she was interested in was already in a relationship, however, and had been stringing her along). So I decided I'd be a friend to her and support her. I listened, offered the most objective advice I could, and it wasn't long before I made her realize that the way I was treating her was the way she should be treated, with respect and care and decency, and that she hadn't gotten this from this other person. From there, it was only a matter of time before she realized that she was in love with the wrong person and we got together.

One or both of you might move on. You may one day get back together, when it's a better time. Either way, I wish you good luck and happiness. Take care of yourself.

[screammaayday]

@Lissy: Thank you for your words. You seem to be in the position my ex (the one that left) was in while I was caught up in another girl. She did exactly what you did and I fell very hard for her.

[screammaayday]

Sorry to bump this, but I'm having troubles... As I said, we haven't cut contact. Which, I'm okay with.. I think. It sucks because it's terribly awkward for both of us. That's not my problem, though. I can deal with that. Well, I can't really, but it's complicated. Anyway. She tells me "I love you" every night before she goes to sleep. And this.. It's bittersweet. I love hearing it, but not in this situation. Because this situation, she's gone and it's hard to hear it and know we're not together anymore. And she's so damn cute, it doesn't help me at all. We slept on Skype last night, which was.. ok, kind of. I was crying a lot and I knew I would because I've been doing it every night since we broke up. And last night was no exception. She kept trying to make me laugh and told me stories to try and get me to sleep and all of it just made me cry more, though her silly faces and her burping made me laugh a bit, it was only for a moment until I remembered what's really happened between us. And when she woke me up this morning to say she was leaving for school, I forgot we weren't together, mostly because I was so drowsy. It was the best few minutes I've had in awhile, but when I've been sleeping, I've been having recurring nightmares of her leaving. And I always told her about my nightmares, so I always go to roll over and say "babe, you won't believe this crazy dream I had!" and I realize she's not there. And then it's water works all over again! I'm not a crier, so this is really weird for me to be crying this much. Bleh, I don't know what to do \:

[Minerva]

I don't think she's being fair to you. She wants the comfort of your presence without the commitment of being your girlfriend, knowing how much it hurts you. It's sweet that she was trying to make you feel better -- that's what friends do -- but she is the source of your pain. If she loves you, if she's your friend, she should allow you to take some space until you can talk to her without it hurting so much. She should be the one suggesting it, because it will be too hard for you at this point.

Since she's not suggesting you take some space for yourself, I will. I know you don't want to, but for the sake of your sanity, take a week away. At least. Tell her you love her and want to remain friends, but you need to sort your head, and you can't do that when your heart is breaking every night.

It will never get easier if you don't take some time away from her. It sucks, it really does, because it's probably the last thing you want to do, but you have to do it for yourself.

[heylittlekrissy]

*hugs* I can only imagine how tough this situation is for you.
There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. If you two still care for each other, and it seems very obvious that you do, then there's no reason you can't act the same or very similar to how you acted when you two were officially together. It's not going to be easy this way, as you can see already, because it's going to be a constant reminder to you of your feelings for her, which are obviously still very strong. But it's also okay to cry, as much as you need to, you're going through a rough time right now, and you are allowed to have emotions, to be upset, and express your emotions. So even if you don't normally cry, it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to now. I guess you're just going to have to know that sleeping together on skype, constantly talking, and however else you two usually communicate, that it's probaly going to be really hard for you, if not for both of you, because I'm sure it isn't really easy for her either, but if that's what you want to do, then go ahead and continue to do it.
It might help for you to try and find ways to distract yourself when she isn't around, atleast to get your mind off things for some part of the day, it really will help. Try spending more time with friends, exercise, idk, any hobbies you have or you'd like to try, now would be as good a time as ever to try. You don't have to forget about her at all, or the feelings you have for her, but atleast this way it'll help distract you some.
Idk how much all that helped, and I'm pretty sure I just rambled on there lol but I do hope it helps you some. If you want to talk though, feel free to send me a message at any time.

[screammaayday]

Thank you both. The time away.. I don't know how well it would work. After she first broke up with me, she didn't talk to me for two days and let me tell you.. I was a mess if I've ever seen one. She told me that she wishes on 11:11 every night that we'll be together again someday. And I read over our chat on Facebook, and she said if I got accepted in Umass Dartmouth, she'd take me back. Right now, I'm just wishing I could fast forward time and be graduating so I wouldn't have to go through two years of this...