Don't Know Where to Start...Please Help!

[LemacBlacks]

My boyfriend and I of about 7 months are now on "a break". We met in Canada where I live while he lives in the Caribbean. Something came up and he had to go back, which was about one month and 3 weeks ago. Since he has left our communication has been mostly through MSN. Like all or most couples we would have misunderstandings when we speak but lately they have gotten constant and end in a long drawn out argument.

95% of the time it is me that doesn't understand something he has said or misinterprets it. This causes him to have to explain to me a lot of the times what he was saying and how he doesn't understand how I could have misunderstood it in the first place. When I do re-read what he has said it did make sense to begin with. On Friday night this all resulted in us deciding to "take a break". He said something like when I have changed the way I communicate or can understand him better(he said something along those lines), I should contact him and he'll see if it has changed, or I should tell him some ways we can fix or develop our communication, to where the misunderstandings are not something constant or non-existent.

I really need some ideas on how I should go about finding things we could do. I realize I do need to change some of the ways in which I communicate, and the way I reason with situations. What steps should I take in fixing or developing these skills (communication/reasoning)? Also, what are some ways in which we can actively develop this skill, either when we realize a misunderstanding has taken place or preventing it from taking place?

And for the most part (apart from these problems) we get along and do love each other.

[agentholli]

I am sorry sweetie...I don't have any advice for you but wanted to show you some support. Good luck

[xsomanymilesx]

hummm, i dont think ive been in this situation, me and my boyfriend understand eachother well, but sometimes we do have heated conversations (like yesterday) because il take something badly and get hurt. i think the best thing you can do is take a step back when he says something, maybe go away from the computer to think about what he has said... and the different ways he could of mentioned it, and when you have calmed down and come to a conclusion, you can resume talking... and therefore it saves an arguement.
but if the things he is saying are truly upsetting you.. TELL HIM, because sometimes.. it will just be him being a bit off, it happens to everyone
good luck. i hope this was okay advice but as i say i havent been in this situation..

[Rach321]

Hmm... can you tell me what kinds of things you tend to misinterpret (you can send me a private message if you want).

I study communication, so if I know more details I might be able to help. One thing to think of (if the problem really does lie with your communication) is that when we feel defensive or we have expectations that someone is going to say something negative or confrontational, our interpretation can really be skewed. In a sense, you see negative things where they were never intended. One way to avoid this is to 1. Learn to recognize when you are reacting negatively to something he has said, and then take a moment before you respond, asking yourself if you really believe that he meant it negatively. 2. Never assume that he means things negatively before asking him whether he meant it that way or not (even if in the moment you can't see it any other way). Basically, wait to react negatively until you can confirm with him that you are interpreting his messages the way you think he meant them. Don't attack him- this is probably where the problem is at- you immediately become defensive or fight back and then he doesn't understand why you are reacting this way. Instead, try to be genuine in asking him to repeat himself so you can be sure you understand him. Tell him calmly what you thought he meant and double-check with him to see if that's what he meant to say.

It can be very difficult to change our patterns of communication and the ways we are used to responding, but the first step is to have the motivation to make a change. The second is to really work on becoming aware of your reactions before you reply to him.

Hope that helps- Again, private message me if you want me to give you more specific advice.

[LemacBlacks]

Thank you all of you for the support and advice. To make things a little clearer, I would say that it's not really that he is saying things to upset me, but I entirely misinterpret what he has said on a whole, and answer according to what I think he's speaking about.

[Mio]

It looks like you are having an awful time adjusting to LDR. And from what I've heard from other couples here the beginning is always really hard. Have you ever tried Skype or any kind of video chat? That helps a lot, because it's a live conversation. Maybe you can try to give your point a little bit more clear and precise, or just explain it all when you declare something. Best wishes girl!

[tigerlilly]

I totally understand how you are feeling. I am in the same situation-being on a break, but for different reasons. I understand how frustrating it is to misinterpret something or argue over distance, because you can't be there with that person to work it out. I find a lot of the time that msn, texting, or other communication tools like this where you don't actually talk to the person can cause some issues. The problem is that when someone says something, and it looks negative, half the time it actually isn't., but you can't tell because you don't know the person's tone. Because you aren't actually speaking to them, listening to their voice, tone, and the way the say things, things can get interpreted wrong. Its hard to think of an example, but say you are texting your bf, and the end of the conversation you are angry and say something like "that's fine". You meant it to mean its not really fine but I a frustrated with you. Meanwhile, your bf thinks everything is great because he couldn't actually hear your voice to interpret what you were actually saying.

I suggest talking to your bf on the phone, Skype, or another form of video chat where you can actually talk. Skype is fantastic because you can call places unlimited for only like $5 a month. I use this quite a bit. When I just want to say hi to my bf or talk about the day, I will use msn. My bf actually prefers msn to talking on the phone, but because I know msn can be bad for interpretation, I will call my bf when I really need to talk about something, or to work on things. It is the best way to communicate in my opinion over distance because you hear the person and they way they are talking to you. This way you can listen to the person and explain the way you are feeling, or if you are in an argument over a misinterpretation, it is MUCH easier to explain yourself over the phone.

The best advice I have ever received on here was to just talk to your boyfriend. Make sure to listen to what he is saying carefully, and explain the way you are feeling as well. Tell him that you understand his frustration with what is going on, but you are willing to work on it. Hope this helps! Good luck.

[tigerlilly]

I totally understand how you are feeling. I am in the same situation-being on a break, but for different reasons. I understand how frustrating it is to misinterpret something or argue over distance, because you can't be there with that person to work it out. I find a lot of the time that msn, texting, or other communication tools like this where you don't actually talk to the person can cause some issues. The problem is that when someone says something, and it looks negative, half the time it actually isn't., but you can't tell because you don't know the person's tone. Because you aren't actually speaking to them, listening to their voice, tone, and the way the say things, things can get interpreted wrong. Its hard to think of an example, but say you are texting your bf, and the end of the conversation you are angry and say something like "that's fine". You meant it to mean its not really fine but I a frustrated with you. Meanwhile, your bf thinks everything is great because he couldn't actually hear your voice to interpret what you were actually saying.

I suggest talking to your bf on the phone, Skype, or another form of video chat where you can actually talk. Skype is fantastic because you can call places unlimited for only like $5 a month. I use this quite a bit. When I just want to say hi to my bf or talk about the day, I will use msn. My bf actually prefers msn to talking on the phone, but because I know msn can be bad for interpretation, I will call my bf when I really need to talk about something, or to work on things. It is the best way to communicate in my opinion over distance because you hear the person and they way they are talking to you. This way you can listen to the person and explain the way you are feeling, or if you are in an argument over a misinterpretation, it is MUCH easier to explain yourself over the phone.

The best advice I have ever received on here was to just talk to your boyfriend. Make sure to listen to what he is saying carefully, and explain the way you are feeling as well. Tell him that you understand his frustration with what is going on, but you are willing to work on it. Hope this helps! Good luck.

[LemacBlacks]

Thank you for the advice!......I do agree that it is easier to explain and work things out on the phone, but that leads me to want to call him by the end of this week and talk things out. Some think it might be too soon, but I think it isn't good to wait a long period of time sometimes.

[ValadinShadow]

I completely understand. I was basically living with my SO for 2 and a half years before we became long distance (college dorm was co-ed) and those first few months were REALLY hard communication-wise. It didn't help that I have a bit of a temper, and he has a hard time with reading voice tone anyway, much less over the phone. I can tell you that we STILL have fights stemming from a mis-interpretation (sometimes intentional, mostly on my part...what can I say, I get restless sometimes) We talk mostly over AIM, I agree with tigerlilly that more misinterpretations can happen there then on the phone. But the wonderful thing about AIM is that you can take a minute, sit back, and count to 20. I do that a LOT. This gives me a chance to re-read, re-examine and figure out if a) he really meant that like it sounded, and b) if it is worth getting in a fight over. I would say that is the best advice I can give. Take time to really read what he has written, and try to minimize knee-jerk reactions. I know, easier said than done... I, for one, think he may also need to take a look at HIS communication style, to make sure that he is being clear with what he is saying. It takes two to have a conversation, and sometimes the misunderstanding may not just be on your end.
I think you are right to not let the "break" last too long. If it helps at all, you will be better able to understand him as time goes on, and you get to know him even better. But it will never be perfect. Almost 4 years now, and I still misunderstand my SO all the time. I agree with the others, Skype might be a good option. It sounds like body language and tone of voice are important to your communication style. Good luck!!!

[ValadinShadow]

I completely understand. I was basically living with my SO for 2 and a half years before we became long distance (college dorm was co-ed) and those first few months were REALLY hard communication-wise. It didn't help that I have a bit of a temper, and he has a hard time with reading voice tone anyway, much less over the phone. I can tell you that we STILL have fights stemming from a mis-interpretation (sometimes intentional, mostly on my part...what can I say, I get restless sometimes) We talk mostly over AIM, I agree with tigerlilly that more misinterpretations can happen there then on the phone. But the wonderful thing about AIM is that you can take a minute, sit back, and count to 20. I do that a LOT. This gives me a chance to re-read, re-examine and figure out if a) he really meant that like it sounded, and b) if it is worth getting in a fight over. I would say that is the best advice I can give. Take time to really read what he has written, and try to minimize knee-jerk reactions. I know, easier said than done... I, for one, think he may also need to take a look at HIS communication style, to make sure that he is being clear with what he is saying. It takes two to have a conversation, and sometimes the misunderstanding may not just be on your end.
I think you are right to not let the "break" last too long. If it helps at all, you will be better able to understand him as time goes on, and you get to know him even better. But it will never be perfect. Almost 4 years now, and I still misunderstand my SO all the time. I agree with the others, Skype might be a good option. It sounds like body language and tone of voice are important to your communication style. Good luck!!!