Overapologizing, saying, "I'm sorry" too much..how do I stop?

[SquishyLove]

This morning I began having a discussion with my SO during a surprise chance at a short webcam chat we had, and I found that I brought up the issue of money as it relates to our travel plans for an upcoming visit. I found myself feeling guilty even though he showed no indication that he was upset about anything. I felt guilty because we only had a short time to videochat, and a lot of the time was used to talk about money. He was not upset with me for this, but I apologized no less than 3 times for it. We talked on the phone later when he took a lunch break, and he told me that lately he's noticed I've been apologizing to him when he's not upset about anything, and that it makes him feel guilty when I apologize. He told me he feels guilty because he starts to think that maybe he's sending signals that he's unhappy with me, even though he's not unhappy with me, and that causes me to apologize. I've on and off in my life dealt with this issue about over-apologizing, and I reassured him it has nothing to do with him. I guess he just noticed it because I hadn't been doing it with him before, and recently my tendency to do it has increased.

I read some advice articles online about how to stop, and I know it's a common problem for women. Sometimes we do it because we grew up with critical parents, or because we have low self esteem for some reason, or because it becomes a conversation filler or a social crutch. I'm not sure what category I fall into - I just know that for me, depression is probably a trigger, and missing him lately has been very difficult for me (and missing me for him as well - he just deals with those depressive feelings differently than I do).

I think the fact that he said something is very healthy and good, and he even said something cute, "Your name is [my name], not 'sorry'," and it actually helped diffuse my negative feelings further and helped me cheer up, but I really would like to stop as I know it's not a healthy habit. Have any of you ever done this, or known someone who does it? Did anyone ever successfully break the habit of over-apologizing?

I'm thankful that my guy accepts me for who I am and takes the good with the bad. This is one of my habits that's not healthy, and I do fear it could hurt our relationship if I don't stop. Everything in the relationship is healthy and good, and I don't want to mess it up with over-apologizing. I think I overapologize because it's such a good thing, my biggest fear is losing him or hurting our relationship, so I pre-emptively apologize for my own self-perceived "wrongs" - but usually it's not anything wrong that I did and my apologizing only makes him feel guilty.

[HollzHeartsChris]

My SO and I overapologise sometimes and I'll admit it is a very hard habit to break! I think the best thing you can do is try your utmost hardest to avoid saying it unless you really need to, and catch yourself before you say it. I can't really think of much else as to what you can do, best of luck.

[Rosebud]

Hmm, this is a toughie since if it IS linked to something like depression or really low self-esteem then perhaps that's something you should work through with a professional as I'm sure it would improve many other areas of your life as well. But just to personally work on it,I think that's something that can only be done by remaining very self aware of your actions, thinking through what you're going to say and not being too hard on yourself if you slip up and say it more you intend to. I sometimes get into this habit too,especially when I'm really sad and other things are going on in my life that aren't even related to my LDR,so I understand it's difficult to pull yourself out of. The best I can suggest is practice, practice and keep your chin up

[SquishyLove]

I've had success utilizing talk therapy in the past, but even on going to a therapist that works on a sliding scale (my old therapist was 20 dollars per hour which isn't bad but right now every dime goes to paying my bills and eating because I don't work the highest paying job), it's not really affordable for me now, and after some more discussion about it today with my SO, I already feel better. I don't think my self-esteem is abnormally low, but perhaps since I've been feeling down lately, other anxieties play in my mind. I think that the best thing to do is to be more self-aware and try to only apologize when and if I've actually done something to hurt someone's feelings.

[Sunnyside193]

I have had this problem before. When i apoligise i normally over do it... Maybe you could try instead of just saying sorry over and over agian you could go Im sorry for doing such and such, explain how you will fix it and leave it at that. Maybe having a more in depth apology will stop the constant sorries

[ChrisMich]

I am a guy and I find myself in your situation.. I over-apologize too much and sometimes I think she gets annoyed by it so I try to trim down my sorry s, but it doesn't work. Sorry if I am not helping much, but I came to your thread hoping to find some help about this very issue.

[Minerva]

I do the same. I do it when I'm paranoid I've upset him in some way, or overstepped my bounds, or bored him... etc. He helps by asking me why I'm saying sorry, and then helps me defuse it.

It goes something like this:

Me: I'm sorry
Him: Why?
Me: I feel like I'm boring you by going on and on about Lincoln [the other day I talked for about a half hour about Lincoln, hehe]
Him: You're silly. I love hearing you talk about things you're interested in. And you know I like to learn new things.

Which then makes me realize I AM being silly, and we move on. I find myself doing it less and less because I'm starting to feel more secure. I don't know if your SO is willing to work on this with you, but if not, perhaps start by asking yourself WHY you're saying sorry in that moment, and if it's really warranted. If you still think it is, perhaps ask him first. For instance, if you want to say sorry for only talking about money, instead ask if it's bothering him. If it is, then say sorry. But if it's not, you can get the reassurance you need that everything is fine, without making him feel guilty.