Preventing Sabotage.

[Sierra]

I'm sure some of you are like me, or at least were and are the kind to sabotage a relationship to prevent yourself from getting hurt. I tend to do this the most right after a visit with my boyfriend. I get scared and well ... get upset. Luckily for me, I'm smart enough to not voice it to him, but to my friends.

My boyfriend has never given me a reason to doubt him, or not trust him. He's made major life changes for our relationship and I'm deeply appreciative. He's told me he loves me, shown me he loves me, and puts up with my shenanigans. I couldn't ask for a better man.

But I do get scared. I don't know if it's the distance or what ...

In the past I've really sabotaged relationships, I know that maybe they weren't the right person for me and all that jazz, but it doesn't change this pattern of behavior. As my boyfriend and I near the 6 month anniversary mark we are walking on thin ice and he doesn't even know it. This is usually when my relationships turn to garbage.

I want to change. I don't want to pick fights with him and I do my best to keep myself in check, but I have to be honest, I'm scared I'm going to do it again and lose the best thing that ever happened to me.

I know I deserve to be happy and I know he makes me happy. I want this to work out. Any advice from someone who's overcome in this in their current relationship?

[Rosebud]

Hmm, so you're talking specifically about self sabotage here? Something I always like to recommend is keeping diary (or if you're not into writing then an audio log), or just some form to get all your thoughts out of your head and out in front of you so you can feel separated from them, can take a make to step back from them and then look at them objectively. If you feel like you want to pick a fight with your SO or something is bothering you then I think you've already made an excellent first step in realizing that this is a habit you want to get out of because your relationship is too precious to lose. And since you have a handle on realizing when you my be getting upset, maybe take a literal step back, breathe calmly and when you have the next opportunity, grab your diary and write down exactly how you're feeling and WHY you think you're feeling this way. Sometimes it helps me to write it as an actual letter to my boyfriend, even if I never intend to actually send it to him. The real point is to be able to sort out your thoughts in a clearer manner, so you can later go back and reread and maybe even with a high lighter pinpoint the areas that you think really struck a nerve. Having this literally out of your head may help you not feel so attached to those hurtful emotions anymore and maybe even discussing your fears with your SO will help as well

[Sierra]

Yes, I am basically talking about self sabotage. Basically picking fights and driving my boyfriend away. I think keeping a diary is a great idea, and I've done it in the past. Right now I basically email a friend who's in a long distance relationship and we vent to one another. I try to keep my feelings to myself and not talk to my boyfriend about it because I know it'll make him feel bad. BUT, I do think that getting out how I feel really does help prevent me from picking a fight.

It gets bad when I'm really frustrated with everything, especially the distance. That's when I can't seem to keep how I feel to myself and my boyfriend and I do fight. I think I may need to tell him that I do this and that there may be some times coming up where I really need a few hours to take a step back from talking to him and have some time to myself so I don't destroy our relationship.

I know that I don't want to lose him and I CAN change this behavior. I also know that I do it to protect myself from getting too attached and having my heart broken.

[Rosebud]

Well like I said I think it's totally a huge leap in the right direction by already realizing this is an issue you're struggling with, since being aware of the problem is always the first step and it's also excellent that you have a friend to discuss this with! Another thing I just thought of, perhaps you can use the blog feature on this site to write out your feelings? That way you still have the opportunity to receive feedback from folks in similar situations as yourself but you won't have to make a new thread every time if you don't feel comfortable with that.

And since you brought it up I do recommend telling your SO that maybe sometimes you'll need some time alone to clear your head, I'm sure he'll understand. When my boyfriend actually visited I got so angry at one point that I didn't want to deal with anybody for about an hour, including him, but since I warned him of these mood swings beforehand he was prepared to give me my space rather than freak out as to why I was suddenly pushing him away. Having your SO aware of why you may act as though your retreating could really clear up an misconceptions so he won't worry or think you're arguing when all you really need is some personal space.

[Sierra]

I decided to just go ahead and have a conversation with him about it. I told him of my tendency to do this and that if I say I need my space for a night this is probably why. I also said that if he feels like I'm picking a fight it's ok to tell me to take five minutes to figure out what I really mean and how I really feel. I told him my relationship with him means everything to me and I DON'T want to destroy it, sometimes I just get scared and this is how I act.

He told me that I've said things like this to him in the past and he thinks I'm not nearly as bad at relationships as I think I am, and that he will do his best to not get his feelings hurt if this arises. I told him it's just a passing phase until I feel secure again and he said that he'll do anything he can to make me feel secure in our relationship - and I know he will.

I feel so blessed to have this man in my life, and for him to be so understanding. I know most people don't want to deal with the baggage I have but I'm glad he's looked past the baggage and wants me anyway.

Thanks for the great advice

[Rosebud]

Yay! I'm so happy to hear the conversation went well and you're feeling more confident about the whole thing and he's probably absolutely right that I bet you're a lot better at this whole relationship thing than you think. The fact alone that you're aware of these problems and even asking for help about it is such a mature thing to do so I'm really confident in your ability to keep this going strong. Congrats again on facing your fears and keeping it so positive.