Getting a bit clingy again...need to stop!

[Silvaria]

So, long story short...we were together for a year and a half when he broke up with me last August due to my being overly clingy. I was going through a very rough spot in life, and he was my "rock"...so I began to need his online company and attention more and more, and became pouty and difficult when I didn't get it. I also became excessively jealous and paranoid, and began to be upset anytime he was with a female friend. So he dumped me, and we were apart for six and a half months, during which time I worked on becoming a stronger, more confident person. He contacted me this past February and asked to try again, and I said yes.

That was over 7 months ago, and things have been great for the most part...but lately, I feel myself slipping back into being clingy and jealous again.

Overall, he's done nothing to really make me feel this way, but I'm going through another rough spot with finances and such, and when we're "together", it's the only time I really feel happy.

Yesterday was my birthday, and he was very sweet and wonderful, wishing me a happy birthday and staying up late just to spend time with me. So this morning, I log onto the game we play together (and where we met), and he's on, in a group party with a female we're both friends with.

I became upset, though I tried not to show it...I asked him why he hadn't logged onto AIM and written me (I have it on Mobile when I'm not at the computer), and he said he was letting me sleep in on my day off, and that he knew I'd be on later. I accepted this, for the most part...though I still feel like if he -wanted- to be with me, he should have written me, you know?

Then we talked about my mood swings lately...I'm having some pretty severe ones, and as he put it, "You're having huge mood swings, they're hard to predict these days.. Happy, questioning, sad, happy.. You're going back and forth a lot".

So I asked him how he felt about it, and he said, "Though it gets on my nerves, it is how you are.. I just need to adapt to them".

I even asked him if he has considered breaking up with me over this, and he said no, not at all. Yet it sort of feels like he's become less affectionate lately, and that scares me.

So now I'm feeling really torn...he's right, I AM having severe mood swings, but I don't have a clue what to do about them. Not only that, but I feel that I'm "too available", if that makes sense? I mean, he logs on, there I am...he writes, I respond...isn't there a bit of truth in the adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? I just can't help but wonder if maybe, I should be a bit less available so that he'll have time to miss me, but when he's the only thing in my life that makes me happy, that's difficult to do.

Anyhow, was just wondering if anyone else has had issues with being clingy and how you handled it, because I'm really clueless as to how to deal with this, but I'm terribly afraid that if I don't get this under control soon, I'm going to drive him away again, and that would be devastating for me right now.

[Silvaria]

Well, now I'm more worried...I just talked to that mutual female friend he was partying with earlier, and asked if he had logged out or "d/c'd", which means disconnected, which you can tell in the game because it's obvious. She said he logged out, saying he had to go...but he never said goodbye to me or anything. One minute we were talking on AIM, then he went Offline.

Sigh...this is one of the frustrating parts of being long-distance. Not being able to see someone face-to-face, and determine what is going through their minds, you know?

[xo_Kayla]

I kind of know how you feel. I've actually had another LDR awhile before I had the one I'm in now. Long story short, I let the jealousy get the best of me and it ruined the relationship. I would always get jealous when he would go hang out with his friends, some female as well. It made me jealous over the fact that those females get to see him in person every day and I didn't. I couldn't stand it. It especially made me mad that he would rather go hang out with his friends instead of sit at home and talk to me. When I look back on it, I was so selfish. I should have trusted him. He never gave me a reason not to trust him. Things got pretty rocky, and we ended up breaking up.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years, I met the guy I'm with now. (Who is LDR, obviously) I wasn't planning on having another long distance thing, but I fell for him so hard. I try to learn from my mistakes, and take things day by day. I just need to take a breather, think, and trust him! Sometimes it's hard because you are so right. You never know what is going through their minds. It can be so frustrating.

My advice would be try not to "over analyze" things! I used to do that all the time, and it did more harm than good. When I start to get jealous or too clingy, I just try to talk to him about it. Explain how I'm feeling and why I feel that way. Something like "It hurts my feelings when you just sign off without saying goodbye or anything." Or maybe tell him something like "I'm sorry I get jealous/clingy. Sometimes I just need to be reassured."

I think you'll be okay, though! Just take it day by day!

[Moon]

You know, sometimes we all want a few minutes to ourselves, to do what we want to do. Maybe he didn't talk to you because he just didn't feel like it right then, if you're constantly waiting for him, he can never just get online and do what he wants/needs to do in peace. You've got to give the guy some room I think, too much of a good thing can turn out badly.

I don't have issues with being too clingy, as a matter of fact I'm super anti-clingy, and I've got to say it would really bother me if I couldn't have time to play a game, or check mail or FB, or even check a Wiki article without being expected to talk to my SO. If you want to make this relationship work, it sounds like you need to back off a bit and find something else to do away from the computer. My boyfriend and I have pretty set times for talking everyday, this allows us both to take care of anything else we have going on without having to worry about missing each other, or not allowing the other enough space. Love doesn't mean having to be together 24/7, but jealousy and trust issues can easily kill that love.

[Ms.Justine]

Ah yes, I had the same problem with my ex we we're in a LDR and it was good at first then I let my insecurities get the best of me...As well, he was becoming a total douche..or in other words letting his true colors show. Anyway, I read this quote online and it was talking about how to overcome your insecurities and thus stop the "clingy-ness". I really looked for about half an hour for this article so I could re-post it here for you. But basically the ones that stuck in my head were:

-Make yourself feel good (buy some nice bubble bath, or bath rocks, fizzies and have a relaxing bath with candles and maybe a glass of wine)(If you have the means buy yourself a new outfit, or make up then dress up and go out with the girls or friends etc.)(Take up physical exercise and staying healthy)(Get your hair done, nails done etc)
;basically do whatever makes you feel good, beautiful, sexy even if you don't have the funds just dress yourself up and go window shopping at your local mall. Or take a walk in the park. Keep yourself feeling balanced and good. This may control your mood swings.

-Think of his texts, messages, game invites, as a game of Tennis you can only reply back to him when you have the "ball" for example:
Him: Hey whats up?
You:Nothing much, how is you're day going?
-Now say he doesn't respond...don't send him another message until you receive one from him because technically you DON'T have the "ball".
*You can use this philosophy for phone calls, text messages, email, instant chat etc. Just make sure you're not coming off as "cold" or "uninterested" This really helped me and to this day...it still does. My SO says he likes a woman who is a little mysterious.

-GUYS NEED THEIR SPACE, men unlike women do not over analyze every single little detail and put importance on every single text, email etc. They just don't. If he suddenly signs off, or seems distant he probably isn't trying to appear as so, it's just the way guys are. I've learned this through my ex and now my current SO. They don't take goodbyes or anything as sentimental as women do unfortunately. So try not to over analyze anything - if you're really concerned ask him ONCE get a reply and trust that he is being honest.

-GUYS LOVE A CHASE AND WHAT THEY CANT HAVE, when becoming to available the chase is off. Men have a natural instinct to "hunt and kill" if the prey willingly shoots herself and serves herself on a silver platter there's no fun in that. Take some control and realize that he is with you for a reason and clearly doesn't like you being clingy so let him have his chase and the fun in flirting and dating never knowing just exactly what you might say or do. It drives men wild. Now I dont mean be mysterious until he has no idea what you're saying or imply things or hints and expect him to play detective and catch on because TRUST ME guys don't like that...All i'm saying it loosen up, be relaxed and coy like i'm sure you once we're while you we're first dating. In simple go back to the "FIRST DATE(s) DATING RULES" it'll help you go back to basics.

Anyway, these topics are the ones that stuck out to me and have really helped me calm down on my clingy-ness as well try going out more and keeping yourself busy. Try not to revolve your life around him. I know in a LDR that's a lot harder because you don't get that physical connection. Also, maybe see a doctor about your mood swings they could also be a fundamental reason why you find yourself behaving peculiar.

I hope this helped. c:

[xo_Kayla]

-GUYS NEED THEIR SPACE, men unlike women do not over analyze every single little detail and put importance on every single text, email etc. They just don't. If he suddenly signs off, or seems distant he probably isn't trying to appear as so, it's just the way guys are. I've learned this through my ex and now my current SO. They don't take goodbyes or anything as sentimental as women do unfortunately. So try not to over analyze anything - if you're really concerned ask him ONCE get a reply and trust that he is being honest.

That's so true. Great advice.

[Malaga]

There's a book I can recommend on handling these insecure attachment styles
https://www.attachedthebook.com/
You sound like an anxious type and he sounds like he could be the secure type, which is actually a good combination - but you have to keep it under control. Personally I think distance tends to aggravate these insecurities and sometimes it's hard even for secure types to keep their cool, and they can have either anxious or avoidant tendencies. I'm also anxious-preoccupied, but it's just in this relationship. In relationships with friends and family I'm actually more avoidant. Even with him at times I have my avoidant moments.

It's true that girls are often more anxious and guys are often more avoidant if they're insecure types. But don't take it as a strict rule, there are plenty of clingy guys and avoidant girls out there. Just get to know yourself first and then him as well, then find out how you can keep things under control and have both of your needs met.

[Silvaria]

Hi, everyone, thanks for the replies!!

My advice would be try not to "over analyze" things! I used to do that all the time, and it did more harm than good. When I start to get jealous or too clingy, I just try to talk to him about it. Explain how I'm feeling and why I feel that way. Something like "It hurts my feelings when you just sign off without saying goodbye or anything." Or maybe tell him something like "I'm sorry I get jealous/clingy. Sometimes I just need to be reassured."

I think you'll be okay, though! Just take it day by day!

You're so right, I totally over-analyze things! Every word, every sentence...and yes, it's doing way more harm than good.

It turned out that he was in a total hurry to leave because of a pressing situation, and right after he shut off his computer, realized he hadn't written me. He apologized, which meant a lot to me. If only I hadn't spent so much time thinking about every little negative possibility...

Love doesn't mean having to be together 24/7, but jealousy and trust issues can easily kill that love.

You're absolutely right, it doesn't mean being together 24/7. I honestly need to make an effort to remember this, and not get so freaked out when I don't hear from him as often as -I- would like.

-GUYS NEED THEIR SPACE, men unlike women do not over analyze every single little detail and put importance on every single text, email etc. They just don't. If he suddenly signs off, or seems distant he probably isn't trying to appear as so, it's just the way guys are. I've learned this through my ex and now my current SO. They don't take goodbyes or anything as sentimental as women do unfortunately. So try not to over analyze anything - if you're really concerned ask him ONCE get a reply and trust that he is being honest.

-GUYS LOVE A CHASE AND WHAT THEY CANT HAVE, when becoming to available the chase is off. Men have a natural instinct to "hunt and kill" if the prey willingly shoots herself and serves herself on a silver platter there's no fun in that. Take some control and realize that he is with you for a reason and clearly doesn't like you being clingy so let him have his chase and the fun in flirting and dating never knowing just exactly what you might say or do. It drives men wild. Now I dont mean be mysterious until he has no idea what you're saying or imply things or hints and expect him to play detective and catch on because TRUST ME guys don't like that...All i'm saying it loosen up, be relaxed and coy like i'm sure you once we're while you we're first dating. In simple go back to the "FIRST DATE(s) DATING RULES" it'll help you go back to basics.

Anyway, these topics are the ones that stuck out to me and have really helped me calm down on my clingy-ness as well try going out more and keeping yourself busy. Try not to revolve your life around him. I know in a LDR that's a lot harder because you don't get that physical connection. Also, maybe see a doctor about your mood swings they could also be a fundamental reason why you find yourself behaving peculiar.

I hope this helped. c:

Wow, yes, it did help. He DOES need his space, and he doesn't feel so strongly attached to the need to say goodbye if he has to go in a hurry, which is why he sometimes forgets. In his mind, there will "always be another chat", so, it's no big deal. I'M the one who freaks out, because like you said, I take every goodbye as a sentimental thing...apparently, that is something I need to work on.

And yes, I do think I need to let him have more of a chase. I'm WAY too available. He writes, I answer. He wants to game, I say yes. He wants to chat, I log on Skype. While that has it's good aspects, in that he trusts that I'll be there for him, there's a VERY fine line between being there for him and being TOO there for him...if that makes sense?

My mood swings are definitely becoming an issue, not just for us, but also for me. I will definitely be looking into them, because they are affecting every aspect of my life, and not in a good way.

There's a book I can recommend on handling these insecure attachment styles
https://www.attachedthebook.com/
You sound like an anxious type and he sounds like he could be the secure type, which is actually a good combination - but you have to keep it under control. Personally I think distance tends to aggravate these insecurities and sometimes it's hard even for secure types to keep their cool, and they can have either anxious or avoidant tendencies. I'm also anxious-preoccupied, but it's just in this relationship. In relationships with friends and family I'm actually more avoidant. Even with him at times I have my avoidant moments.

It's true that girls are often more anxious and guys are often more avoidant if they're insecure types. But don't take it as a strict rule, there are plenty of clingy guys and avoidant girls out there. Just get to know yourself first and then him as well, then find out how you can keep things under control and have both of your needs met.

I've got the link bookmarked and I'm going to read it now, thanks so much!

I'm so glad I found this site...you guys don't focus on the fact that we're long-distance, but rather, on the issues between two people who are long-distance. I can't describe how many times I've been told I need to find someone in my local area, and let him go...as if that will solve all my problems.

Anyhow, we did talk about this, and as I mentioned above, he had to leave suddenly and didn't realize he'd not said goodbye until after he already shut off his computer. He apologized, and said he would sincerely try not to do that again.

I also told him that I felt he was a bit distant lately, and he said that he was very worried about money issues. We're trying so hard to save, but circumstances are making that almost impossible. He is feeling frustrated about it, and very focused right now on the goal of working as hard as he can to save as much as possible. He told me that sometimes, that means he isn't as "mushy" online as he is at other times, but that I should never take that to mean he doesn't love me, or doesn't enjoy my company.

Between reading your replies and talking to him, I'm feeling a lot better, and I think next time something like this happens, I will sincerely try not to be overly anxious and be pessimistic and negative about what is going on.

Thanks again to everyone...and did I mention how glad I am to have found this site?

[Ms.Justine]

No problem, pleasure to be of service to you *hugs*