She's got no time for me

[Laura_N]

Thanks to you too, SquishyLove.

So like I said, last weekend we agreed we'd spend an hour every weekend spending time together. Well, we didn't last weekend unless you count the talk we had about this on Friday. We most likely won't this weekend either, as she just told me she doesn't know if she'll be able to be online today.

OK fine, it's only one or two times this has happened. But it's the first one or two times, and it just makes me wonder if this is how it will go on. What's the point making compromises or setting aside time for the two of us if that won't actually happen? I thought after our talk things had improved at least a little, or then it might be my imagination. However she still ignores some things I say. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail saying she is scared I will leave her in the future. I tried to ask her why's that, but she never answered to me, instead she sent me a new e-mail today just asking how am I doing. When I tried to raise the subject again and asked her if she'd like to talk about it and tried to offer her some reassuring words, she completely ignored that one too.

I don't want to pressure her to talking to me, but she does this often. Whenever I ask her how's she doing she usually won't answer on the first, second or even on the third time. It makes me wonder if something is wrong or if she doesn't want to talk to me. Yet she's been telling me she misses me and wishes I was there. I'm simply just confused, and to be honest, I don't really want to start a new conversation about this with her. The last one apparently lead us nowhere, so why would this one either? It would just cause tension between the two of us again until we'd sweep it under the carpet and let it be.

I'm not even very hurt, I'm just sad and disappointed because I can't figure out what's going on in her mind and why can't she spend one hour from her entire week talking to me in MSN. She had time to spend a day with her friend last Friday. She had time to go for a dinner last night with another friend. Those things are important for anyone in an LDR but it really makes me feel not important at all, because I won't get the time they do. There's always e-mails but I hate the unsure feeling of never knowing when the other person will answer, or if she will just ignore what I'm saying, and not really being able to talk about important things because they could just be left hanging.

Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into. Uh. I'm currently under a lot of stress, school work, uni application, a couple of exams... And this mess isn't really helping. I was really looking forward to getting to talk to her properly tonight but my guess is that we won't.

Sorry guys, I just needed a place to vent...

[Laura_N]

Sorry for talking alone in this thread, I just don't see a point making a new one when the problem is still the same.

So it's the third weekend after our agreement and we still haven't sticked to it. Or more like she hasn't. She's just too busy, told me she's got tons of stuff to do. I didn't say much to that, just alright, and she continued saying she knows I'm pissed off (I wasn't) and she's sorry. I told her I'm not really pissed off, that I am sad - and all she managed to answer me was ": ((((".

Which then lead me to being quite pissed of. :P Among with being sad, disappointed, frustrated and kinda hurt by her constant ignorant behaviour. I swear, I'm going crazy soon. And yesterday something was wrong with her, I asked her what it is and if she's OK, but she never answered. My mind just cannot understand why she is acting this way. I'm clueless and confused. Talking to her doesn't make a difference because apparently I fail to get my point through.

I'm in a situation where I really don't know what to do next...

[floridaellen]

It seems like she wants to be with you (by the worry you'll meet someone else) but doesn't feel like she has to put in the time or energy to keep you around. Relationships are hard work and when they are neglected by work or other things they are destroyed. I don't think I'd be able to put up with what you are putting up with. My SO works 2 jobs and often has 15-16 hour days. He still finds the time to text me on his break or something and always calls me when he gets home, even if the conversation is only for like a minute. I also go to school and work until 1am most days and we make it work. It's about priorities and she has to get hers in order.

[Sunnyside193]

HUG I can relate with how hard this must be for you. You certainly arn't selfish for wanting more time. LDR's only work with communication. I can understand she is busy but as other people have said it's no excuse. I'm not too sure what else you can do though. You have tried being there for her, tried raising the issue, tried sorting out the issue. She seems to think that using the I'm busy excuse will keep you around. Im sorry this post isnt much help but feel free to message me if you need a chat.

[Malaga]

Sorry for talking alone in this thread, I just don't see a point making a new one when the problem is still the same.

So it's the third weekend after our agreement and we still haven't sticked to it. Or more like she hasn't. She's just too busy, told me she's got tons of stuff to do. I didn't say much to that, just alright, and she continued saying she knows I'm pissed off (I wasn't) and she's sorry. I told her I'm not really pissed off, that I am sad - and all she managed to answer me was ": ((((".

Which then lead me to being quite pissed of. :P Among with being sad, disappointed, frustrated and kinda hurt by her constant ignorant behaviour. I swear, I'm going crazy soon. And yesterday something was wrong with her, I asked her what it is and if she's OK, but she never answered. My mind just cannot understand why she is acting this way. I'm clueless and confused. Talking to her doesn't make a difference because apparently I fail to get my point through.

I'm in a situation where I really don't know what to do next...

Aw love, you do know where this is leading to. I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but what do you expect to accomplish by putting up with it for much longer? Do you hope she'll wake up one day and become everything she isn't right now? How do you think this is going to happen if she doesn't even hear what you're telling her?

She doesn't take you seriously. But she does deserve your honesty. Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you can't accept the way she's been treating you. That she has to prioritise you. And if she can't or won't, you'll have to walk away. It's too late to be sympathetic with her, she doesn't take you seriously. Your needs, feelings, anything.

She says "I know you're going to leave". You say, "I won't, but..." But she doesn't hear the "but" part. All she hears is that she gets away with how things are. Then after awhile she starts wondering why you're still around. So she asks you again. And so on. And this is all there is to it.

[Laura_N]

Floridaellen, thank you. My SO also usually e-mails me during the day for a few times. The problem is that it's pointless chatter (meaning that 'hi how are you good you' type of conversation) and because this goes on for weeks and weeks, at the end of the day, I know nothing about her life anymore. Our relationship has nothing romantic in it, no flirt, no laughter, no proper conversations, none of those "little things"... Weekends are probably the main thing that bother me, because she's got time in the weekends but she doesn't use it on me. It makes me wonder whether she even wants to spend time talking to me.

Sunnyside193, thanks for your offer and leaving a comment.

Malaga, yeah, I guess I know... Thank you. I just really don't want to break up with her because I have strong feelings for her. It's not easy to be in love with someone who says she feels the same way, but doesn't really do anything to show it. I tried talking to hear again the day before yesterday, telling her I'm having an emotional struggle, telling her how I felt. All I got back from her was "it sounds like you're going to break up with me " and after that, nothing for over 24 hours. I'm starting to get both worried and pissed off, because if her excuse again is that she has been busy, I'm going to be offended.

I just feel like I'm between two fires in my own head. One voice tells me to call it an end, and one voice tells me to keep fighting. "Until her contract ends, maybe she gets a new job and won't work as much." But then another voice tells me "Yeah, but her contract has been extended ever since by June." And then that other voice comes: "She said she'd come and meet you in December even though she would be able to keep her job." "But she already canceled last month." "But she had a good reason..." etc.

[Silvaria]

Laura, I'm a very optimistic, cheerful person, but this sounds bad.

Having been dumped before, I have to tell you honestly that ALL the signs are pointing that direction, and I suspect you know it.

No romance, no flirtation, no laughter, no proper conversations...? She has already distanced herself from you emotionally.

She's got time on the weekends, but doesn't use it for you? People make time for things/others who are important to them.

She keeps thinking you're going to break up with her, even though you've made it clear that you love her tremendously? She's hoping you'll do it first, and save her the trouble.

I could be wrong about all of this, but...I think the sooner you admit to yourself that this just isn't working out, and that strong feelings on -your- side are not enough to save an entire relationship, the sooner you can start healing yourself, and moving on.

[Laura_N]

Thank you, Silvaria.

She had not received my e-mail the day before yesterday which explains the silence. I told her things directly and this is where we are: at the moment. This came from her:

"Please don't give up not just yet...you mean so much to me. And I don't tell you enough but I wouldn't know what to do without you. I'm looking forward to December and 2012...but I don't wanna be without you...you keep me going..."

I don't know.

[Laura_N]

Right, so, I sent her a rather clear e-mail about my thoughts and told her I can't go on like this anymore. I think she finally got it. It's the first time she actually suggested working on it and agreed to it, and this time she seemed serious. However, this will be just one chance because I cannot handle competing with her job if things won't improve. Things are looking better, and she sent me a long e-mail where she explained some of her trust issues and why she's not too keen on opening up to me. Now that it looks like she might actually talk to me about this sort of things, I'm hoping I can start understanding her better and we could really start working on it.

I really appreciate you people, it's just awesome how fabulous you all are. I don't think I would have had the guts to tell her I was feeling rather fed up without your opinions and advice. Let's just hope this time we will actually get our relationship back on track! Thanks, guys!

[Malaga]

I'm really glad to hear you're finally getting somewhere. I hope you'll be able to resolve this. Just always base your decisions on her actions rather than words.

I too have a problem with being assertive enough. If you tip-toe around problems eventually they become much bigger than they were originally. Then for you the time is running out but the other person isn't even aware of it. Things can never get solved that way. Even when you think you were obvious, some people just don't get it unless you tell them straight up, no cushioning. My boyfriend is just like that.

Wish you all the best,

xx

[floridaellen]

Floridaellen, thank you. My SO also usually e-mails me during the day for a few times. The problem is that it's pointless chatter (meaning that 'hi how are you good you' type of conversation) and because this goes on for weeks and weeks, at the end of the day, I know nothing about her life anymore. Our relationship has nothing romantic in it, no flirt, no laughter, no proper conversations, none of those "little things"... Weekends are probably the main thing that bother me, because she's got time in the weekends but she doesn't use it on me. It makes me wonder whether she even wants to spend time talking to me.

I can understand that. She may seem like she's keeping in contact. But the emotional type talking, the flirting, ect are what keep the relationship being romantic rather than just friends. It's very important. She should definitely use more time on the weekends for you.
You did post saying she's going to change and I hope you are right! Just remember not to give too many chances. Don't be a pushover with your heart.

[Jessipoo]

This is kind of late but I was wondering what the update was for this.

I was going through a similar thing (he broke up with me by disappearing after I went into frantic mode about us and such again even though during the fight he said he still loved me) but mine was worse. Every time I tried to establish routine he'd tell me sounds good but if I don't pick up don't freak out, sometimes work trumps all. He was working 15+ hours a day plus weekend conferences (which pissed me off because he gave too many availabilities that meant no visits for a while) and at the beginning he would try to console me but always in a negative way and every time he said he'd fix his phone or we'd talk soon or we'll figure it out, nothing happened.

He was picking up my calls once every 1.5 weeks and it would last about 10 minutes. Barely emails and when he did send they were 1-2 sentences long.

Then things got worse with his work and there was a serious family illness... I'm quite heartbroken because I really thought he was the one. I was just told to be understanding about context and meeting half way never stuck.

[MadMolly]

Jessipoo, I worry that you're obsessing over this breakup. It's not healthy to overanalyse where and when things went wrong - right now you need to work on accepting that it's over and finding ways to deal with your heartbreak instead of dwelling on it. It was a horrible way for it to end but I don't think you will get any answers by comparing what happened with others' situations. You need to take your mind off it and let yourself heal and move on.