Unequal efforts

[ValadinShadow]

So my SO and I have been going out for 3 and a half wonderful years. Almost a year ago now, the relationship became long distance, due to my graduation. At first, it was ok. We talked a lot over IM, video chat, we sent letters, cards, etc. But in the last 6 months or so, it seems like my SO hasn't been willing to put as much effort into our relationship.... I haven't been getting as many emails, he hasn't sent me any of the letters that he used to, all the little things that made this whole thing slightly bearable. We talk on the phone for five minutes, and he says, "I'm tired". Once, twice, or even three times I can understand. But it has been a couple weeks, and we haven't had a good conversation. I know that he is busy, and so am I, but I try really hard to send cards, or emails. And I know that I am not as good about it as I used to be, but I try. And I try to find and suggest new things, to keep things fresh. But he doesn't respond. I feel like I am pouring every thing I can into this relationship, and that he isn't. We've talked about it, and he says that he will try, but nothing ever changes. I thought that maybe I was exaggerating, but a mutual friend of ours agreed with me.
I'm frustrated and hurt that our relationship doesn't seem to be as important to him as it is to me. I've tried talking to him. Is this how it is for anyone else? Is this a warning sign? I know he loves me, and he freaks out if there is even a hint of my leaving, but I am just at a loss! Do I just need to wait until he graduates, and see if it changes? Any advice would be more than welcome....

[xsomanymilesx]

this could be a warning sign, what do you think? no one else can answer that because only you know your SO.
sounds to me like another issue is unmotivating him, have you been arguing or do you think he is just sick of the distance?
i really suggest talking to him about why he is doing it. i wouldnt put yourself through misery til he graduates tbh. if its just that hes bored of the distance (not you) then work out a way to liven things up...
sorry but i dont really have any better advice, i hope someone else can help you!

[stargazerlily]

Maybe it's a warning sign, maybe it's just nothing. You'll only find out when you really talk to him about it.

I also used to feel that I was the only one making an effort. But after talking to my SO about it, I realized three things: 1) I only tend to see my own efforts; 2) we have different ways of coping with the distance; 3) we have different ways of telling how we miss each other.

[Zephii]

I don't want to turn this into a sex debate, but I read something a couple of years ago that made a lot of sense, and has helped Obi and I a lot. Simply put - he doesn't care as much about the relationship as you do. His instincts are not wired that way, nor is his social conditioning. Generally men feel about their carrer the way women feel about their relationship. Being a woman it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense and seems cold to me, but whatever. For hundreds of years all women had was their relationship and family. It was their fulltime occupation. The man provided the practical things to keep the family afloat but the woman used them.
So, if you think of it, it's fair devision of labour on a much wider scale.
Now as women are focusing on their carrers too, matters of the heart and home need to start being shared a bit more equally, but it'll take a few generations or more before men stop being comforted by the fact thatr the relationship is your job and you'll take on the lions share of it.

I try and think of how much this relationship means to me when Obi talks about his work, the possibility of working stupidly long hours, etc so that I don't freak out all over the place and get clingy. And he's learning to think about how his actions in turn affect my "carrer" (this relationship lol) and my desire to work on it, keep it interesting and make it better.

With all this said, you can still ask for more from him. But I don't think it's a sign of anything.

[folclor]

That happens with me and Alex. He spends more time with his friends on a forum site or playing computer games or building things and then gives me maybe an hour out of the day, if that, and hardly ever on the weekends. ^^;; I know how you feel about that stuff, but my advice is just tell him, "Hey, every once in a while please send me more e-mails" or, when he does something that you really appreciate, thank him, use positive reinforcement. He won't do a total 180 and go back to everything he used to do, but once in a while he'll put in that extra effort. ^^

[ValadinShadow]

Thanks guys.
We've talked about it, and it doesn't seem to do much good, but I know that he has a lot on his plate. Between writing five essays, getting ready for finals, graduation, finding a summer job and applying to BLET, I guess that I will just have to be content with second fiddle right now. We were able to get on Skype the other night, so that was nice. Zephii, you bring up an interesting point...I will have to think more about that. Folclor, those computer games seem to be the universal "3rd wheel"

[Alisz]

Thanks guys.
We've talked about it, and it doesn't seem to do much good, but I know that he has a lot on his plate. Between writing five essays, getting ready for finals, graduation, finding a summer job and applying to BLET, I guess that I will just have to be content with second fiddle right now. We were able to get on Skype the other night, so that was nice. Zephii, you bring up an interesting point...I will have to think more about that. Folclor, those computer games seem to be the universal "3rd wheel"

I think you've pretty much answered your own question here. ^^;; It sounds like he's really busy. I wouldn't take too much offense to it if I were you. It'd be something else if he wasn't paying much attention to you and he had the free time to do it. But seeing as he's just got a lot on his plate right now, you should probably take a step back and take up the supporting comforting girlfriend role. I'm sure he'll appreciate it and it'll be less stress for him.

Also, I think Zephii is sorta on to something. Guys seem to view things differently than girls do. At least from what I've observed. I sometimes feel like I'm putting in more effort than he is, but if I stop to think about it, he's doing the same amount. They're little things that can be easily overlooked, but if they weren't there I'd miss them. Or he does things for our relationship that I'm not aware of, like he talks more about visiting here with his family than he lets on. And I've found that guys don't really find value in a relationship with cards and gifts. Not to say that girls do, but we seem to appreciate them a bit more. They're just more content with knowing you're there for them and that you're with them.

[HMA]

I agree with the positive reinforcement thing! I have found that guys respond better when you praise them for what they do right instead of nagging them about what they're doing wrong. Of course, you still have to express your feelings and your concerns, but if he does start to make a bit of an effort, be sure to recognize that and let him know you appreciate it. It worked for me, but every guy and situation is unique, of course.

[Mio]

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