How do you deal with trusting them not to cheat when they have cheated in the past?

[NineInchNails_x]

A little bit of a back story-
My boyfriend and I have together about two and a half yrs and during this time he has never done anything to make me not trust him. He has NEVER cheated on me, he doesn't flirt with other girls, etc. In a past relationship, though, he cheated. They had been dating almost a year. He was very young at the time, probably 16 or 17. He moved to another country and so the relationship was long distance. When he told me, he said that he missed her so much and he was lonely and thats why he did it. I was able to shove it to the back of my mind. It put me on edge at first, but I gradually got over it. In the last 4 months or so he moved to another country and he will be there until college is over. This is our first year.. I'm worried that since it is a similar situation he will cheat on me. It is putting a strain on the relationship. I know he was young, and he said he learned from his mistakes. He said it was the stupidest thing he had ever done and it hurt both of them very badly and he regretted it. How do I trust him? How do I convince myself that it was in the past and he loves me in a way he didn't love her? I've always been taught that if you cheat once, you'll cheat again. I don't know how to get over this stereotype and trust him. This relationship means a lot to me and I really do love him and care for him and I'd do anything to get this out of my head. Help please!!

[Ms.Justine]

Ah...I've said it once and i'll say it again...I should honestly write a book about this topic. I'd call it "A Sassy Black Girl's Opinion on Love, Relationships & Cheating: A Surivial Guide" Bahahaha awww shoot. Kay well i'll break this down to you, like I have to so many other girls and I hope you don't take this offensively please I just have the best intentions for you and your man.

IF HE'S GONNA CHEAT HE'S GONNA DO IT AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. If you stress and get clingy and over protective it's only going to put a strain on the relationship. As you may know there's this thing called "Free-Will" and it allows us to pretty much do what we want when we want, and no one can stop us. I mean if we do something that's bad there's gonna be consequences but on the real...you can't make him or stop him from doing anything

With that said, there's no need to stress about something that hasn't happened and hopefully won't happen. Yes there's the bs saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" But he was young and it isn't fair to label people as so. All you're going to to by stressing and having an anxiety about him cheating is put a strain on the relationship, THUS perhaps causing him to perhaps (hopefully not cheat). It's like telling someone their stupid over and over and over...until one day they finally crack and believe it same concept. A relationship is built on trust and when it comes to that sort of thing like I said if he's gonna cheat there's nothing you can do it about. So don't worry and enjoy you're time of communication with him to the fullest without worry. Trust me you'll be a lot happier and he'll be a lot happier. Guys don't like feeling pressured...and trapped.

Plus, you don't wanna be one of those girls on the Maury show tripping nuts about if they man cheatin' and what not. If it gets that bad...phew I don't know what to tell you.

JUST DONT CRY OVER MILK THAT HASN'T BEEN SPILT YET HUNNY....and don't stess about it being spilt...just drink it with some cookies.

hope this helped c:

[NineInchNails_x]

I've been thinking about that, too. If it happens, it happens. I am one of those worrying types so I stress about almost everything. I've been trying to work on it and relax a little. It did help, though, especially that last part about not crying about milk that hasn't been spilt. Thank you (:

[Ms.Justine]

Glad I could be of service to you. Women stress too much that's our problem. Its a miracle we all haven't had a heart attack.

[Miramaid]

I do not...That is the problem. I do not trust them afterwards. Say whatever you want to say about it, but no one wants to be fooled (cheated on but not know about it and idealize your oh so not ideal partner) and i do not want to give my life and the life of my future kids to a cheater.
Yes if he wants to do it he will. Sure. But I better know about it to run away as far as i can.

To the author: I am in the same boat and i do not know if he cheated on me or not. He cheated in previous relationships and he told me about it. He also said that men cheat not because of some specific reason (though you can always find one), but simply because they want to. So If he wants to he will...
I guess the best bet is to not date guys who did it before. But not all of them will even be honest about that.
I guess you just have to accept it in your head (if you can) that as far as you are not aware of anything, you can just enjoy life and stuff.

[JennyRW]

he was young, he missed his girlfrined, he was far away.... bla bla bla excuses! If he already did it he knows he is capable of doing it and for me that means a lot but I don't forgive things to easy so I would just run away because I know I just cannot trust is someone like that and I am not the jelous tipe actually I am not jelous at all with my bf because he never gave a reason to not trust him and he has never cheated in anybody... That is what I like, but if I were with someone that I know he cheated to his ex, then I wouldn't have peace of mind, that would drive me crazy so yeah I would just run away

[Mara]

I'm just curious, did he come forward and tell the girl that he cheated on her [and that's how she found out] or did she find out by some other means? I'm just asking because whether someone cheats and tries to cover it up or cheats and owns up to it says a lot about the person's character in my opinion. Also, if he seems genuinely remorseful I think says a lot as well. I do think that some people just don't have the capacity to cheat, others do, but don't, and others do and will. I definitely don't think it's 'once a cheater always a cheater'. When I was a young teenage girl I saw several guys that I was 'serious' about that didn't know about each other. I was young, stupid, and didn't realize the value of someone's feelings. It's not a mistake I've repeated, but it is something I did. If your SO has never given you the reason to doubt him, give him the benefit of the doubt. We aren't defined by our mistakes but how we handle them.

[Engel]

he was young, he missed his girlfrined, he was far away.... bla bla bla excuses! If he already did it he knows he is capable of doing it and for me that means a lot but I don't forgive things to easy so I would just run away because I know I just cannot trust is someone like that and I am not the jelous tipe actually I am not jelous at all with my bf because he never gave a reason to not trust him and he has never cheated in anybody... That is what I like, but if I were with someone that I know he cheated to his ex, then I wouldn't have peace of mind, that would drive me crazy so yeah I would just run away

I cheated on an ex boyfriend of mine. we were together for only one month. but i never did, never would do and never will do this to my so. i love him, i liked the ex but didnt really love him. so i dont believe just because someone did it once the person will do again and again.

[xo_Kayla]

My SO has admitted to cheating in a past relationship as well. I can't judge him on it though. The past is the past. We all make mistakes and do things we regret later. I know I've done things that I wish I could take back in the past. A lot of us do. Remember, you and him are a totally different relationship from the one he had previously. People grow and learn from mistakes. I'm sure everything will be fine.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Trust when broken is hard to earn back. In my opinion, if you've cheated once, you're gonna do it again. But then again I guess some people learn from their mistakes and don't cheat again after they've done it once because it makes them feel really bad. I suppose some people learn, others don't. Some people are lucky. I hope you're one that is lucky, and that I'm proved wrong

[rusty15]

ALL men are capable of cheating on their girlfriends. Don't stress about if if you haven't seen any signs and if you trust him.

[Ms.Justine]

ALL men are capable of cheating on their girlfriends. Don't stress about if if you haven't seen any signs and if you trust him.

People make mistakes, people change. You shouldn't base your opinions on someones past. If they've truly changed and are remorseful of what they've done then you shouldn't judge them on their mistakes in the past. It makes me upset that people would run away from a potentially really special/amazing person just because they've made mistakes in the past...Such a shame.

[NineInchNails_x]

Mara - Yes, he did tell her. He told her about a wk or so afterwards. She stayed with him for a few months longer. I'm not too sure who ended it or what her reasons were, but he said that the relationship had gotten stale. He felt so guilty he had to tell her and she deserved to know, in his words.

And to the rest of you - Thanks so much for all of your opinions. It's given me a lot to think about. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and trust him until he gives me a reason not too. I love him and not being with him because of his past mistakes are out of the question.