emotionally exhausted - would love your thoughts and a reality check

[flipside]

hi everyone, just joined today and am glad to have found a forum for those of us going through the same issues together.

my so and i have been dating for two years, the last of which has been long distance. it hasn't been easy at all, but until recently we've both been sticking through everything and trying our hardest to make it work. we've planned on me moving to where he is after next summer, since i'll be finished with my school program then and he'll have a few more years left. we both have very busy schedules and are in demanding programs.

for the past few months, my so seems to have stopped prioritizing me. by this i mean he hasn't been in touch as much (not answering the phone or calling me much, not emailing me), has not put any effort into trying to plan a trip with me, and told me not to come visit three separate times after i proposed dates when i could come. after about two weeks of feeling neglected, i raised my feelings with him and tried to do it in a non-blaming, non-judgmental way. he was very defensive at first, then apologized and committed to change how he was acting. it's now continued for at least four more weeks. i've gone through cycles that start with trying to be understanding and waiting around in anguish for two or three days for him to change and end up with me crying, upset, and calling him.

the last time this flared up was a few days ago when i told him i just couldn't do this anymore. i love him very much but it is very hard when i'm expected to move there (and find a job in the meantime) next year, meaning look for jobs now for the profession i'm in, but don't feel supported from him either in our day-to-day lives or in the immediate term, through planning visits and stuff. in saying "i can't do this anymore," i meant that i either needed more from him or wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship anymore, because i am too upset all the time. he got really upset and said he was overwhelmed with everything else in his life and said he couldn't commit to ever changing. believe me, this hurt so much, especially because i know he was a totally different person last year so it isn't like this person he has become is inherent in his personality. the compromise we made was that he said i could come visit anytime i wanted, and beyond that we didn't make any other plans for changes.

at the time we talked, i felt sort of satisfied with being able to see him at least, but as the days have gone by i'm just more and more upset at how unaccommodating the "compromise" is. beyond everything else, i just want to feel loved and feel reassured. if those things were happening, i would probably be stable enough to deal with not hearing from him as much (esp. if it's bc he's busy with school) or planning visits as much as we used to, at least on a temporary basis. but, i don't feel assured or loved. i don't know the last time he told me he loved me unless it was immediately after me telling him i don't feel confident or sure about things between us. this weekend i told him i was having trouble finding a dog watcher (my dog can't stay in the shelter for various reasons) for the weekend i would come visit and would he be willing to help me. he was watching tv, so i know it wasn't an issue of me interrupting his studies to ask. he responded by getting aggravated at me saying he didn't know how to help me with the dog... i'm so upset because i just don't feel like he cares at all about me. he won't come here instead of me going there and is totally unwilling to help me figure out the dog situation so that i can still go.

two years is a long time to be dating to me (late 20s), and it's a point at which we should be talking about marriage and have worked out the bumps between us. if nothing else, it is a point at which people should feel sure in their so's love for them, and i just don't.

am i being unreasonable here? i am in the middle of my toughest semester ever and am beyond busy, but i still choose to prioritize my so. it feels like he's not doing the same, and i can't make him. does anyone have any advice or suggestions on what i can do to get things back on track, or does that seem too far fetched at this point, after what's happened over the past month or two?

thank you so much for your advice. it's so nice to be able to read through your experiences and hear about your thoughts, since those who haven't been in an ldr don't always deal with the same relationship problems.

[Ms.Justine]

Well to start off with WELCOME, glad to have you aboard

Well I think maybe he isn't adjusting well to the new LDR, and perhaps he's feeling different about the relationship? Two years is a long time and as much as it may hurt to think about being without him it may be better to cut the ties and look for someone better. I feel like you're going through what I was going through with my ex once upon a time...You're in love with the person he once was and it's hard to let that vision go. But I mean if he isn't going to make the effort to be with you then unfortunately he's not worth your time. Like you said you have other things to prioritize your education, work and personal success. Don't let this guy drag you down. I know it hurts trust me, but sometimes if you love something its better to let it go and perhaps if it was meant to be you'll find a way back to each other. If not there's a reason for it, and you'll find someone that will make your life worth while and make you feel the way a woman should.

hope this helped c:

[flipside]

thank you, that is something to think about. just to clarify - we've been dating long-distance for one year and three months or so. not sure if that's a short time, but it sure feels long to me. i appreciate your thoughts

[Mara]

I think the most important question here is does he want to make your relationship work. You could want to make it work all you want to, but if he isn't willing to put in some effort things aren't going to change. I don't blame you for not feeling loved or reassured. If my SO was behaving the way yours is I wouldn't either.

Are there valid reasons for his not answering phone calls and saying no to visits? Is he extremely busy with his program, etc etc? Do you think this is a permanent situation?

At the very least, I think you need to have a talk with him again. I'd ask him point blank if your relationship is what he wants and is he willing to put in the work to make it work.

[kiara_silver]

I don't know, sometimes you have slumps in the relationship where things just get hard and stressful. You say he's only been like this for awhile, and your both very busy? Stress adds up, work piles up, homework. And it could put a lot of pressure on you, and then at the end of the day you don't feel like talking, you just want to crash. At one point when my SO was really busy with work, he didn't have much time to talk to me, and then when he did i felt like he didn't want to. Like he would remind me of how long we been talking, or it would get cut short, or he would remind me that he's staying up late. Just at one point i felt last on his priority list. But clearly i didn't see his side of things. Just how busy he was, and how the distance was affecting him. Which I now regret for feeling neglected and not appreciating what i have. I did ljust let it all out to him eventually, and he apologized for making me feel bad, but shared with me that he loves me and cares, and it was just a lot on his plate. Since then things between us have been great this was about mhm 8 months ago? So before you call it a quits give it a moment to take a step back and analyse your relationship. I would suggest giving him some space for a few days. Don't call or talk to him, and collect yourself. Then tell him you need to talk, and really sit and lay it all out, tell him how you feel, and come up with a compromise or a solution. Venting i find is really good, because even though its hard, once you do and you say everything and let it out, you can work on it right then and there and move on. But like others say, he has to want to make it work. If he doesn't idk what to tell you. Both have to want it for a relationship to make it.

[Bethypoo]

In some respects one year is a long time but at the same time it isn't. I think communication is really a big part of being able to be on the same page and it is heartbreaking when you feel like you aren't on the same page let alone in the same book. My SO and I had to lay everything out before really deciding that we were going to give a LDR a go. I mean everything. How we felt about being apart, time spent talking, whether marriage would ever be considered and so on. But this was all discussed before being committed and I really think that helped us. Also, there are times that I hid how hard the distance was from him, but at times I think it helps for him to hear it and it helps me to hear that he feels the same way and just handles it differently. I think that you need to, in some way, get to have a serious conversation. Set some time for it because it may take time and tears but sometimes it needs to be done. Break down how you feel and if he really doesn't get it then it is up to you to decide what to do. It comes down to what you want. Obviously that is him, but if he isn't able to commit to even talking then there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Good luck and above all do what is best for you and don't settle.