CONCERNED ABOUT LDR FUTURE...IN NEED OF ADVICE, SUPPORT!!

[LatinButterfly]

I am a very active LFAD's reader but a very passive poster; so very few members know my LDR story.
Anyways, I probably can blame PMS for the way I've been feeling today and the past days: Totally down, confused, lost,etc., when I should be using this precious time to enjoy the last days I still have left with my SO here in Germany.

My SO and I have been in a LDR for a little over two years now and things have been easier, better, cheaper,etc for us since I moved to Barcelona last year.
In a few weeks I will start my second and last year of grad school in Spain; that means once my studies are over I must go back to my country (since I am not interested in looking for a job in Spain or settling there).
My SO still have at least 5 more years to be done with school and so on, he still lives with his family and has no plan of moving out any time soon... that being said, if I want this relationship to keep going I will have to be the one moving to Germany and finding something to do here. I know if I go back to Colombia sooner or later my relationship with him will be over; not because of me but because of his negative way of looking at things (happened already in 2010 when I went to Colombia for over 5 months) plus I also don't want to be in a LDR for more than 4 years.

I love him like I never did before, we have a very healthy relationship and for me he is the one. I don't see myself with some other guy that is not him but the problem is I don't know if he thinks the same about me. (I'm his first serious girlfriend)

Anyways, looking at options for next year; I found a Master's program at the University of Kiel (he lives in Hamburg and Kiel is about an hour and half by train). I though of applying to this master (have nothing to lose plus applying is free of charge) the university fees are reasonable and the cost of living there is affordable comparing to Barcelona or Hamburg.
I talked to my mom about it (since my parents still support me -financially talking-) and she didn't say "yes I could help you" but didn't say no either.
I am 26 years old and I of course feel bad about the fact that my parents still pay for my life abroad when they should be using all the money they earn to enjoy themselves.

So back to the topic, I told my SO about that idea and he was happy about it but also didn't say that much. Since I've been here in Hamburg for over a month now, I asked him to go with me to visit the town and the University so that I could get a feeling of what the town/university life is like. He said yes and I also asked to please don't tell her family why I wanted to go to Kiel (since is not for sure yet) but when we told his family we were going they were shocked and asked me why in the world I wanted to go to Kiel, that there was nothing to do/see there,etc... I felt like crap LITERALLY... so the plan was to go tomorrow since this is my last week here but he looked at train tickets and they were over 1hundred euros for both of us (we have spent a lot of money this month I've been here and have gone to many places) his mood changed when he saw the high price and the atmosphere was nothing but tense in the house... So I gave up on the idea of going there and his mood switched from stressed to super happy again... I felt like crying but I didnt want him to see me so I went to the bathroom and cried while showering.. - Oh man I am crying right now just thinking about the whole thing-

I right now feel super sad because I feel I put all my effort to make this relationship work. I moved to Barcelona to be "closer" to him, I decided to live in a crappy room there so that I could afford the every 2,5 months visits, I don't even bother trying to find a part time job there because it might be impossible for me to take "Vacations days" that fit his plus the economy in Spain sucks and there are no jobs for locals now tell me for foreigners. I also always the one trying to buy the tickets as early as possible so that they can be cheaper (we split the prices), I most of the times pay for the tickets and ask him to pay me his half once he has the money... in the mean time you know what he does? he is obsessed with cameras,lenses and music stuff... so he buys cameras on Ebay tries them for a couple of weeks and then sells them again, he buys speakers and after a couple of months sells them because he doesnt like them anymore... and all these "toys" are always over 300 euros... It makes me sad at times because I know he loves me but if it was up to him he would wait until the last week to buy the next visit tickets. I need something to look forward to and knowing the dates I will see him again makes the wait less painful...
Right now I feel sad and I don't know what to do. I love him but sometimes I don't know where this relationship will lead me to, I don't know if we even have a future together or if he sees me in his... I don't want to get married/have kids yet but I am interested in having a long term relationship that could lead to something else in the future, I don't know what the chances are for us... Me being a foreigner coming from south america (we need visas even to go to the bathroom!), have no job, no work experience, depend on my parents and in a relationship with a guy I love deeply but with his negativism his seem everything hard, impossible,etc... =(

I appreciate if you took the time to read this long post; I guess I am just looking for some advice, wise words, ideas, support. Thank you!

[Kelly.92]

Okay.. First off, calm down a little bit there, PMS definitely doesn't help with things !

I know it can be really frustrating when your OH seems to not do any of the 'effort' making when it comes to meeting up/buying tickets/planning dates etc... I think the majority of guys are like that, they are always so last minute, so try not to hold too much of this against him.
I understand that you must be feeling pretty crap about making the effort to move to Kiel for your studies, and in return it seems like you are not being appreciated. Trust me, if he loves you and has been with you this far, and especially already been dealing with the long distance, he does appreciate and admire you for planning ahead like this. I think you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about it, because a relationship is both ways! Maybe he is reluctant because of his parents? Maybe if you were away from the influence of them, then you may get a different reaction about moving to be closer to him.....

As for his obsession with his cameras/lenses and other expensive sounding stuff.... He obviously feels passionate about this, especially if he goes and buys items when he could had reserved a ticket to see you. This sounds like his 'get away' or hobby for when he is not with you to occupy his time. Maybe you could talk to him about this in a nice way, but be sure to tell him you appreciate and admire him, don't be all negative about it.. That may start a row, and you don't want that!! There is time for his camera stuff and time for you as well!! And we all know which one is the more important!

LDR's are bloody hard, and maybe your guy is being a bit 'blah' about it and not really saying much because he is afraid of you going again? Maybe he is just interested in spending time with you, rather looking at future institutions because for him, it's like accepting you are going again (although it's not as far, it's still long distance) and this is probably really upsetting for him too.

It sounds like you really love this guy, and like you said he is 'the one' so don't give up.... it may be hard but tell him your feelings, maybe when the PMS has died down!! LDR's are all about compromise when it comes to meeting up and making time out of your day specially for your OH to talk or Skype or whatever...

I think you should go ahead and apply to Kiel but also some others where you were before.. That way you have a back up (you don't want to be stuck with no where at all to go!!) and in the mean time, you and your OH can seriously think about what you both want distance wise and what it's going to take to keep the relationship happy and exciting still......

I wish you all the best of luck with everything, it really sounds like you have got yourself into a dilemma !!!
Keep us posted on what happens

Hope I have helped, it's probably all really obvious lol :/ but yeah, keep positive

xx

[lucybelle]

Alright sorry to say, but I just couldn't make it through that whole post. I did skim it though, so if I say something wrong, my bad.

It seems to me that you're doing all the sacrificing and he's doing all the demanding. I think you should take some time to go back to Colombia and try to become more financially stable. Try getting a job and setting up your life. Maybe some time away from each other will help him see what he's missing. If he's not willing to compromise on the situation, I think you might be better off without him. Relationships are based on COMPROMISE. He needs to see that. Good luck.

[Mara]

The two of you definitely need to have a talk. Before you go moving your whole life to be with him you should know whether or not you are 'the one' for him or if he sees the two of you having a long term future. First things first and that comes before everything. It doesn't have to be some big, dramatic conversation just ask him point blank if he sees the two of you having a long term future and you want/need to know before you decided whether or not to move there.

Secondly, I wouldn't let the booking of the visit thing bother you at all. My SO loves me very dearly as I'm sure your SO loves you, but he puts off with everything. It just isn't planning our visits it's also paying his bills and buying groceries and doing his coursework. Goodness love him, but that's just how he is. It doesn't reflect on his feelings at all just like it doesn't reflect on your SO's feelings.

With the money issue, I'd just tell him upfront that you need your half of the money [if you need it]. If it's fine for him to pay it when he has it then say so, but if it isn't don't lead him to believe it is when it isn't. He can't read your mind or know how you are feeling unless you tell him. And I'd look into some type of part time job as well. I understand you still needing help from your parents, but if they are fully supporting you, I'm sure that points you in an awkward position and them in a tight spot.

Just my two cents. *hugs* Feel better.

[Dziubka]

First of all: I think you should have been able to go from Hamburg to Kiel on a Schleswig-Holstein ticket and it would have been ~20€ for the both of you (granted, you would have to take regional trains, but it wouldn't take thaaat long really).

To the rest (yes, I read all of it ):
You can't even imagine how well I understand you about almost all the things you've written (the sacrificing, buying tickets, even up to the crappy room).
It's my bedtime now, but I promise I'll write answer in detail tomorrow.

[Bethypoo]

You are going to have to have a serious and blunt conversation. You need to ask him what he wants and tell him to answer regardless of how he thinks it will make you feel. I know you love him and that shows by the fact that you are willing to move you life to be with him. However, you need to look out for yourself. If this is not something that he is sure that I wants then you need to know this ahead of time instead of being stuck. If he knew you were the one, the distance shouldn't matter. He would be willing to make it work and as hard as it will be, if he isn't willing to meet you half way then things need to be taken a look at. LDRs are hard, and he should have known that. You obviously do which is why you are asking for help now. But talk, give yourselves some time to talk and just be as honest as possible.

Hope it all works out. Good Luck

[Silvaria]

I would definitely hold off on making plans to move to be near him until you two sit down and have a frank talk. Honestly, it does sound like you are putting out far more effort than he is in this relationship. That wouldn't work for me at all.

So yeah, as others have said, it's time to have a discussion about the future. After two years, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get a feel of where things are going. If he doesn't want to talk about it, or seems to get upset or defensive, that is definitely a red flag and you should rethink your plans. Any guy who is interested in a future with a woman will talk about it, not avoid it.

[Dziubka]

As promised, a more elaborate answer on this one.

Your last paragraph I understand to a T.
I'm basically in the same situtation. I didn't move here for my boyfriend, but I'm constantly looking out for cheap tickets, buying way in advance, using all my breaks/holidays/days off to see him and I could afford a much better place (with a real kitchen *sigh*) if it weren't for the monthy visits.
My boyfriend also still lives with his parents, who support him as he doesn't have a job. That wouldn't be too bad because his mum makes reasonable money and is usually willing to pay for his visits, within limits of course. And there's the problem. Instead of saving money to come visit me and using our different semester breaks so we can be together longer, this summer he went on a trip with his dad and then with his friends, both of which were way more expensive than visting me. So he had less money and less time to see me over the summer and when he finally came to visit, he spent all day doing projects for uni.
I was and am still disappointed about this. I understand that he wants to have a good relationship with his dad and I like that he has friends and hobbies, but damn. I'm giving up seeing my mum for Christmas to be with him!
Ok, I don't want to ramble. Just know that you're not alone with this.
Have you talked to him about it? Does he know how you feel about this?

Regarding his negativity, I sort of see where he's coming from. I'm absolutely not made for long-distance-relationships. I would never attempt a transatlantic one any long distance relationship where we'd see each other less than once a month. It isn't for me and it would bring more pain than benefit.

I'm sorry I can't really offer a solution. For myself I guess came to accept that we're different and I'm willing to sacrifice more for the relationship. He's more patient and putting up with my moods and emotional (or rather angry) outbreaks. I still sometimes think it's unfair, but then I remind myself that I like sacrificing things for him and that he's worth it. I'm not doing it to get back the same or more, a relationship is not a saving's account. Do you think it's possible that there will be a time when he'll invest more in the relationship?

To the university issue: Do you really want to do the programme they offer in KIel? If you moved there and you two broke up, would you regret going there?
If you can answer yes for the 1st question and no for the second, I think you should go for it anyway. It's close enough to visit for even only one a two days and despite everything, the economy in Germany isn't that bad, so you could even get a job.

[Engel]

When you enter a LDR relationship, you know that in the end of of the 2 will have to move eventually so distance can be closed. Usually one of the parts cant move for whatever reason it is, so if the second part wont consider moving either, there is no reason to be in a relationshiop that would be long distance forever.

[delphynaus]

Hello, I totally understand what you are going through (I've been there) However, I totally agree with lucybelle, you need to make sure that not all your choices are only for him. get your life right, do the right things for you (I know it's HARD) but believe it or not, it's the best thing to do.. once you are independent (with or without him) he will be able to know ur value and you will have a healthier relationship!! arranging your whole life arround his is not healthy neither for you nor for him! Good luck!

[ArchetypicalIdiot]

All I can really do here is second what everyone else has already said. Take him out of the equation for a moment and you have a very big change coming up in your life. Graduating, figuring out what to do with your life, ending/beginning a job, moving house, let alone country...you have a big fat '11' on the 1 - 10 life stresses factor here and I hate to point that out but I really think you need to hear it. Not for him but for you! If I were in your position I'd simply sit down and write down a few important questions to ask yourself. A couple of examples might be:

1. What do you want out of your life (short or long term) - where do you want to be?
2. Are you putting more effort into this relationship than you're getting back?

Having read your post WITHOUT knowing either of you, from the outside it looks as if he's thinking of himself and you need to do the same. This doesn't always mean separating, just pace yourself a bit. And PMS/PMT SUCKS! Having spent my first week with my guy on my period (five months of no sex and not seeing him and that happened. URGH), I can totally relate to how that all blows things way out of proportion.

BUT...

"Anyways, I probably can blame PMS for the way I've been feeling today and the past days: Totally down, confused, lost,etc., when I should be using this precious time to enjoy the last days I still have left with my SO here in Germany." ~ yus, I dunno how to quote properly XD

You're right! Tuesday night my guy and I slept like two hours, cried all Wednesday morning (mostly me because I'm an emotional cripple O.o) but at the same time we did some genuinely silly things on Tuesday, ate crap and got drunk amongst other things to make sure we cheered the heck up and laughed our butts off. You have plenty of time to stress out when you go home. Now is the time to have fun with him! You'll be fine, chin up, grab some chocolate, pop some pills and go have some fun. Good luck! xxx