How would you feel?

[SnowDust]

Hello All,

So about two weeks ago, I posted that it looked like I will finally be able to move to be with the s/o. It still looks that way, but 95% confirmed is not confirmed, and there is still a chance that I will be stuck here. It all has to do with workmans comp/labour laws matching up where he lives compared to where I live, since I will be employed in one province and work in another.

Anyway to my point. My BF has a great job, however it is very demanding. He is very high up in a prominant retail chain, and runs a 25+million dollar market. Needless to say, he is very busy all the time with work, and has a very demanding boss.

On Sunday he was told that he was one of the top performers of the quarter and the reward is a trip down south with other top performers. In all there are about 15 people selected to go down south for a week. Now I would be lying if I said that I wasn't jealous, lol, it still hasnt warmed up and it even snowed where I live yesterday! But, I do want him to go. My work often sends me to resorts and hotels for weekends so I have no issue with that at all (I work for a hotel company). My issue is that while his work will pay for the resort/meals/flights ect. The time off has to come out of his vacation. He has only been with this company for a few years and only gets 2 weeks vacation a year. This means that half of it will be used without seeing me.

I think its ridiculous that a reward will take from your vacation. Especially because his boss knows that we are long distance and that our time together is really important. I have been with my company longer and have 3 weeks vacation plus an additional 2 week holiday time so I get 5 weeks in total. My issue is that since we have been long distance, I have turned down vacations with family and friends because I think its important that him and I use this time off to be together. I have turned down so many trips and he is going to be losing half his vacation in one shot.

I can't help but feel really angry about this. I already am the one who does 80% of our travelling because I have more time off and have more flexible shifts. It would be nice if when we seen each other we were both off instead of one of us having to be at work.

I guess my issue is his job and not feeling like a priority. For example in the course of a year, he is not allowed to take time off in Feb during a local festival which is 2 weeks long because it is high volume sales, he is not allowed to take any time in March because it is spring break time and there are a lot of sales from tourists, he is not allowed to take ANY holidays off, this includes Valentines, Mothers Day, anything. He is not allowed to take more then one weekend off a month, and cannot take his days off consecutivly. He cannot take time off in August and the first half of Sept because of Back to school, and from the middle of October to the end of December he is in black out because of Christmas. This doesnt include the two annual week conferences he has to attend and that he is out of town for one week every month travelling to stores that are outside of his city. He is always being denied time off and its very hard for us to co-ordiante all of this. The least he can do is keep his time off to spend with me?? Lets not forget the entire month is had to go to Vancouver for the Olympics.

I guess I just feel so frustrated. Especially now, because if I do get my transfer approved he won't even have time off now to take to help me move. We own a house where I live and all of our furniture/things are in the place I live. I won't have any help because his vacation will be gone with this trip.

I guess I just feel that his work is such a priority for him all the time, that at the very least his vacation time should be spent with his family, not hanging out on a beach with co-workers. I'm not against the trip, just against him using his vacation time.

I want to tell him this, but how? The trip is a reward for hard work and I dont want him to go. I dont think its fair. He can always say no to this trip, but he feels that his boss is pressuring him to go, and he is excited about the vacation. Shouldnt he want to spend his time with me? The fact that he is even considering this trip really hurts my feelings.

[kraut]

Is it possible he just go on part of the trip. Maybe hang out with his coworkers at this place for the weekend + 2 days or something. That just seems like a nice compromise rather than all or nothing. He did get an honor from his employer, especially if he has only been working there a short time. He should be able to enjoy that!

[Zephii]

He might feel not going could damage his job in the future. It's important to get along with coworkers and not offend them and everything. But still, I completely see where you're comming from, and I would just tell him bluntly. (But hell, I tell everything bluntly).
I had a similar convo with Obi once where I pointed out all the little social sacrifices I'd taken to get the time and money to see him - his response was "I never asked that of you." His point was that I can't really give something up willingly and then just expect him to do the same, because I'm responsible for the choices I make. Whilst I didn't appreciate hearing that at all and I had choice words to share with him about it, it's a good glimpse at how the non-sacrificer might feel.
Perhaps your husband doesn't realise how much you give up for him, or perhaps he just takes it for granted.
I don't have any useful advice..

[SnowDust]

Well, I just talked to him, and I asked him if he had a chance to talk to his boss about how this affect his vacation. Its not negoitable. He loses the vacation, and I'm not allowed to go.

Apparently, I'm being selfish by telling him how I feel. I pointed out how much I sacrificed since he moved. I am the one who works double shifts to earn days off, and I have used every one of my vacation days to see him, but its like Obi said to you Zephii, he apparently never asked me to do that. Which really sucks, because it makes me feel he doesn't appreciate anything that I have done.

I just feel like not going to visit him at all anymore. Just make him see how much time I dedicate to him and how hard it is for me. I feel like booking a vacation without him and using up all my time off too. But the problem is that , I can't do that because I can't willingly give up time with him, where as I guess he can do the same. He thinks its very selfish of me to not want him to go. Not even mentioning the fact that half of his other week of vacation is being used to go visit his parents (who live in another country). So I should be grateful that I get 3 days this year when I am giving him 25. It just doesnt make any sense to me.

I dont even know about moving now, I feel so let down.

[Zephii]

Awe *big hugs*
Where would the relationship be without your efforts? I wish he could see that.

But don't give up, even though it hurts.

I think that perhaps you should at least use a week of your vacation and spend it with someone who would usually be neglected for time with him. Your friends and family are important too, and maybe he'll understand better if the tables are turned. I don't know.

It isn't fair.

[Zephii]

Awe *big hugs*
Where would the relationship be without your efforts? I wish he could see that.

But don't give up, even though it hurts.

I think that perhaps you should at least use a week of your vacation and spend it with someone who would usually be neglected for time with him. Your friends and family are important too, and maybe he'll understand better if the tables are turned. I don't know.

It isn't fair.

[polkapiggy]

Try and see it from his point of view. He's worked all this time, he's worked really REALLY hard and he gets an entire week away from it, totally free! Of course he's going to take it! Think of it this way, the harder he works right now, the quicker he will be promoted, and the more vacation time he will eventually get out of it. Don't give up on moving, and don't get mad at him. Instead, take some time for yourself and go on a nice vacation with you and a couple friends or something. Spa's are my favourite place to go! But I know Alex would never go to one, thats something for me and my girl friends!

I think that he DOES appriciate all of the things you have done for him, but he's worked his butt off and he wants to escape from it, and he has that opportunity. Try to be happy for him and look at it from his point of view.

[SnowDust]

Zephi - I would never give up, I know that, but it is very hard. Its hard to be with someone whose career is so important, its like he is married to the career first. I love my job, but every chance I can get to be with him, thats my priority. I can't even imagine taking my vacation to spend time with my boss, as much as I like her, she isnt my family. It hurt most that he said it was selfish. I know its childish, but I feel the best thing to do is to not be so availble and willing to take care of everything for him. I often get calls late at night to help him with work things, I help him often when I am at work myself, and I am always available to him and never say no or that I'm too busy. I feel that maybe whats happened is he is so used to my being so accomodating that as soon as I disagree with something or have an opinion that is not what he wants it makes him upset. I get that that is partially my own fault, and if I'm a little less flexible or available on my terms maybe he will come to appreciate how much I really do. Haha I dont mean that I will ignore him or be mean, but if he calls for me to edit a 4 page document and I am already sleeping, it may have to wait until tomorrow. I think if I do that he might really appreciate how good and how easy he has had it.

Polkapiggy- While I appreciate your feedback I think it might be difficult for you to put yourself in my shoes. Again, I am so proud of all the work he has done and how well he is doing in his company. The issue is that he easily works 60-70 hours a week, is always busy, and it is very hard for even me to arrange times to visit him because he travels for work and has to work such long hours. With devoting that much time to work, at least your vacation, should be for family. We also lived together before he had to move for his job, and we own several properties and are landlords for properties through out the city I live in. I think that once a lifestyle of living together has been established that visits and making sure that time is spend together is very important. Him and I are not just dating, we are a family, we have chosen to be a family, and have made very adult steps to make that happen. We own property together, co own vehicles, share bank accounts, and in making those decisions and growing as couple to where we are there does comes a point when your partner does come first, and decisions have to be made mutually. If it was not possible for us to see each other, or we lived thousands of miles away then of course we would have to do our own thing on our time off. But our situation is a quite different from that. If we were living together it may be different, but as of now, I think we need to devote those few vacation days that we have to each other.

[Zephii]

You're much more accomodating that I am, thats for sure. I've told Obi flat out that I come first, before his work or anything else. I'll take a back seat occasionally if it's important or for a short period of time, but I couldn't do what you do. I've made it clear I wont stay if he wanted to work those kinds of crazy hours regularly. So good on you for being so supportive! And perhpas you should do as you mentioned, they say people don't know what they have until it's gone.

[So_Far_Away]

I come second to sport and always will and have pretty much now accepted that. My bf is training for 2012 and most weekends when we would get to see each other he spends in a travel hotel with a room-mate working so hard he just doesnt have the energy to do anything but fall asleep. While I can't understand fully (a full time job to support living is very different and you're further ahead in life than us) I also hate that I'm second. I don't really have a choice though, and it's not enough to give him up. So I can't give you advice or whatever, but I can say that I would be having a few choice words with him if I were you. But then I'm quite an aggressive person and am very blunt so yeah... Sorry, and I hope it works out OK for you

[lunamea]

I can understand where you're coming from. I'm not in the exact same position as you, but I have been thinking about something similar, too: my husband works as a roofer and is usually really tired when he comes home from work, to a point where he doesn't go out on weekdays anymore at all once he's home from work. I understand that he's worked outside all day long and that he just wants to relax, but in the past, he's never ever made any exception, which I find ridiculous. I would be fine with going to the park or shopping only twice a month or so, but not even that. Instead, he gets home around 5 p.m., then sleeps 2-3 hours, watches TV and has dinner and goes to bed at 10 p.m. On top of that, he doesn't work in the winter, so he is hardly able to take time off in summer, which has always irked me and led to a huge fight last year because he spent the only week of vacation with his family abroad and not with me (I left to study abroad a few weeks later, so imagine how I felt at that point!!).
Right now, it doesn't concern me that much that he sleeps 11 hours a day and is at work (including going to and fro) 11 hours as well because I'm not home, but I've been thinking hard about what to do if he doesn't change his job/his ways. I don't want to live with a man who's a zombie 5 out of 7 days of the week! I know it might sound shallow, but it's just not the life I imagine. I want to enjoy all of my days, not only the weekends, and I want to travel in the summer or at the very least spend vacation time with him. Hell, if I wanted to spend my evenings talking to a half-asleep, grumpy person who doesn't respond to what I'm saying half the time and my summers going on vacation alone, I wouldn't be married!

I see some similarities to the situation you are in, although yours is more complicated than mine because I don't really see your bf giving up his job (my hb is not married to his job, if he finds something less exhausting that gets paid the same, I'm pretty sure he'll change). So, I do think you are in a position where you're heading towards a decision. I'm not saying to give up on someone you want to spend your life with or to give him an ultimatum, but you also have to think of what kind of life you want to lead and whether you can accept always coming after his job in the long run. I know that I couldn't do it. If it was a temporary thing you can sit out, it would be different, but it seems that he's a workaholic and that's not gonna change. I think that in the end, it might come down to you either accepting it the way it is, him changing it and making the effort he should make, or the two of you separating. It's ridiculous that he's accusing you of being selfish, but my husband has accused me of that, too, so I know how it feels. When he needed to spend a week with his family and didn't take one day off for me last year, he apologized profusely but expected me to let it go soon after. I feel that the fight my hb and me had last year might me the same pivotal fight you're having now - and this is not something not to dwell on, because it will come up time and again.

My hb just told me yesterday that there is - again - a problem with the vacation he has planned... as it looks now, it's gonna be the same situation as last year, where he can only take a week off (which he's already planned out on going to see his family), but he promised me that if he doesn't have any days of vacation left (he's trying to take the vacation not as vacation but flextime), that he would quit for a week and then start over with his job (he's talked to his boss about this and she said it was a possibility.) I don't know if he'll be making this effort this time (it would also have been an option last year), but I do know that if he doesn't put his money where his mouth is this time, there's gonna be serious consequences.

I hope that both our guys will realize that they are part of the relationship, too, and need to make an effort as well. All the best!

[Tanja]

I would probably feel the same in your shoes - I think you should do what you've thought about, stop giving so much time for him. I can understand that his work is very important but it should NEVER be hisr first priority, family should. It does sound like he's so used to you being around and being flexible that he doesn't approciate it anymore but takes it for granted.

Calling you selfish is definitely wrong, you give everything to this relationship and he doesn't. There's 2 people in it and he has to do his share and if he can't do that or refuses to do so then he doesn't deserve all the effort you've put in it. Talk to him and explain how things are and just bluntly tell him that if he's not willing to mae that extra effort for you then you won't do it either.

I'm sure he will learn to approciate and miss all the things you do and sacrifice for him when he is without them for a while! Sometimes people just need a little nudge to wake them up

All the best and I hope he comes around.

[Alisz]

I think it's a bit odd that they wouldn't let you go with him. I don't know anything about that sort of thing or if it's common to do that, but it just seems really strange to me. Like wouldn't some of his co-workers be married and possibly have kids? It just seems really strange that they wouldn't be able to bring their families. Obviously, if it was more than one person they'd have to pay the difference. I dunno, the company pretty much taking its employees away from their families for a week and they really can't refuse to go sounds terribly odd. :/ I don't know any company that would be disappointed that they didn't have to spend money on you. ^^;; Maybe I missed something there?

There are some things I'm a bit confused about. Was the vacation time to help you move already settled on before he knew about the trip? And would it take a week long to do? I guess, I'm looking at the bigger picture. And maybe he is too. You have every right to be upset and I can see where you're coming from. But looking at it from a different perspective I see that you'll be moving in together soon. You'll be seeing each other a lot more frequently, yes? So, wouldn't him using his vacation time be a bit of a moot point then? He wouldn't need to take time off to see you if you're living together? I'm a bit tired, so I might've missed something. ^^;;

[BudNani]

I think its odd they won't let spouses go along... I mean i understand them not paying for the S/O but saying he cant bring you... thats strange

[Mio]

Big hugs for you girl!