In Town For 2 Days And He Can't See Me Because He "Has To Work"

[alliecat22]

Here’s the backstory: I’ve been seeing this guy long distance for about 5 months now. We knew each other in college, but probably only had a solid month where we were romantically together before things went long distance. He lives in New York and I’m in California. We both agreed we didn’t want to be in an official relationship unless we are physically in the same place, however we both agree that we are in an emotional relationship. We’ve both verbalized our love for each other and he was my first. We try to see each other every 3 months—well, basically whenever we can both afford to and have the time. We talk every single day for hours on Skype to keep it going.

I work for a tour company and I am going on a tour of the east coast. The tour itinerary is very tight and we barely have any free time when we aren’t on the bus. However, I have two nights free where I’ll be staying in the city. I suggest that he come down and spend those two nights with me, since I haven’t seen him in almost 4 months. He said he would try but he has a bunch of projects he has to do so he’d let me know. This was a week ago. I asked him again yesterday and he asked me to remind him the days. I told him again and he said that he probably can’t make it because of work (keep in mind he does contract work so he doesn’t do a typical 9-5 but rather works from home on his computer). He lives 4.5 hours away in upstate. He said he might be able to do Thursday night if he could get his work done—but it seemed more like a probably not.

I took it really badly. I feel foolish because I got my hopes up and really thought I was going to see him, even though he said it was a maybe. I basically took his reply as him choosing work over me, and it made me feel very unimportant to him. I say this because if the situation was flipped, it wouldn’t even be a question if I came to see him or not—it would be an absolutely yes, I would do anything to see him. It’s a once in a blue moon opportunity to get to see each other, and if you love someone I would think you would drop everything and jump at the chance to do so. Anyways, like I said I took it badly and I let my emotions take hold and we got in a fight about it. He couldn’t understand why I was so upset when I knew that he loved me, and that he has responsibilities. I kept telling him that his actions hurt and that he needed to realize that even though he may not have hurtful intentions, his actions tell a completely different story. He felt like if I thought of him in this way then I really need to take a step back and evaluate us.

He basically said that I should take some time and space from him to figure out what I want. The ironic thing is that this is something I brought up to him 2 weeks back. I had tried breaking things off with him because long distance was too hard and I felt like I was in a one-sided relationship. This stems from an ongoing problem that I’ve brought up to him about how I need for him to be more affectionate if he wants this ldr to work—I just can’t handle feeling like we are friends and not in a romantic relationship. When I felt like I just wasn’t getting this I told him exactly that: that I needed space from him and time to think to sort of pull back my emotions so we could be on the same playing field, in hopes that this would make me less of an emotional rollercoaster (less invested, less hurt). At the time he talked me out of it and was really offended by the notion (I took him pretty off guard). Regardless his suggestion for space really riled me up, it was like well now that you’re ok with it I have permission to do it…but now I don’t want to—I’ve already thought about things over and over again and I know that I love him and want to be with him.

So now we aren’t talking. I reached out and apologized for overreacting, and told him that I just felt like he wasn’t putting the effort that I would have in his situation (him seeing me in nyc) and that hurt. He hasn’t responded and it’s been a day. I feel like our fight basically ruined even the slim chance that we would be able to see each other this week.

Am I in the wrong to be taking his actions so brutally? I feel like I get really emotional when he does things like this. It’s weird because he has reassured me over and over again of his feelings for me, and I truly and genuinely believe him. The problem is that he is very different from the “normal” type of guy, and his actions are easily misconstrued as hurtful even though I know he doesn’t intend for him to be that way---but it still hurts. I’ve told him this time and time again but he just doesn’t get it. He also feels like I have other problems—he says that if I’m crying myself to sleep all the time and having such a rough time because I miss him, that it’s not the ldr that is causing this, but prob something else. But from reading all the forums it seems like depression/emo rollercoasters are typical of an ldr…

Honestly I don’t know what to do. I feel like it hurts being with him, but it will hurt even more being without him. It is also frustrating because he makes me think that I’m the irrational one to think that he doesn’t care, or that he casts me aside. But don’t his actions so obviously express this?

Uhhhrrrg I would really appreciate any feedback so much, I feel really lost.

[Sharon Q]

I can understand being upset. I would be highly hurt by this especially if he works from home He should be able to at least take a few hours to see you. Give him some space. Maybe let him realize why you are hurt sometimes it takes time to click.
Plus that will give both of you time to cool off. Just wait for him to reply and come to you

[Bethypoo]

I dont necessarily think that you are in the wrong. You did give him some advance notice and he does work from home... but he does work. Maybe there are some other things that he needs to get done that he cant take with him or there is a project that does require more attention. Its like me and school. Some weeks are a lot easier than others and sometimes i can do stuff while on the go and in other places but sometimes it just isn't realistic.

Give him a bit of space. If in a few days things aren't working out then maybe they really just aren't going to work out. I mean maybe you want to be official and he doesn't and if you cant be on the same page about that then there may be a problem, now or later. But you arent irrational. LDRs take work on both sides and if it feels one sided, then most times, it is.

Hope it gets better. Let me know if you need to talk

[Mara]

Playing the what you would do in his situation game is never, ever going to yield good results. The two of you are two totally different people and it isn't fair to assume what you would do in his situation if the roles were reversed. You mentioned he lives 4.5 hours away, is that round trip or just one way? If it's one way, that would be nine hours that he'd have to take of his day just in traveling time. 4.5 hours there, 4.5 hours back, plus any time the two of you spent together. If he has to work, I can see where that might be difficult for him to make that type of commitment. I understand you wanting to see him, but you also have to understand and look at things from his point of view as well.