How important are the little things?

[daretolove]

Hi brave lovers!

I'm in need of some advice about how to handle my situation... I have been with my current boyfriend for a bit over 2 years. We just started out LDR 3 months ago and it'd been very difficult for me. I'm currently in grad school (super busy) and he just started residency in another state (about 8 h away). He's so busy too, has crazy schedules and works really hard. I don't expect him to text every hour or call everyday, but sometimes I wish he did text a bit more with sweet things and stuff. We don't really email at all (well, i do! i just get no replies! but i know he's really bad with email so i never really expect one) and we talk every other or every couple of days on the phone, but I just need the little things throughout the day, like reminders that he cares about me and loves me... does that make sense? i have also sent him some letters and that's made him so happy, but he doesn't reply my letters cause he's busy and it's not really his style...but i would like him to! and i've told him but don't know if he'll do it (it's only been a few weeks since I did, but am not too hopefuly i'll get something in the mail...) I don't know....sometimes i just wonder if i need all that because i'm just a little (a lot?) insecure and scared.... but then again, i see other couples with long distance relationships and they seem to talk a lot more and text a lot more than my so and I do! Like on a normal day he'll text me maybe in one or two occasions, and sometimes I'm the one who texts and he replies (though I want him to be the one who takes the initiative and asks me about my day when he gets home and that kind of stuff!... are these normal expectations or should I just be more flexible and realize that sometimes he'll be so tired he won't text much?....i'm confused!!! I don't want to tell him something like "i want this # of texts a day and why do'nt you text me sometimes when you're done with work, etc" I guess the problem is that I knew distance would change the relationship but I just don't know what to expect or what's normal or not!!.... all this being said I believe he's fully committed to our relationship and I know he loves me... I am just not sure he's "watering" our relationship (like you would a delicate flower) and taking care of the relationship as much as I would like but again I don't know if that's unrealistic...he always says that they way he shows me he loves me is by driving to see me and calling me and thinking about me all the time.... but i've told me the other things are important to me too!!...

Help please!!!!
daretolove

[Bethypoo]

I mean, just remind him of what you just said. That you understand you are both remarkably busy but that LDRs take attention in a different way than CDs. Just sending him the 'thinking of you' texts. Hopefully he will catch on and if not then you need to be a bit more assertive about what you need to make the relationship stay healthy. Obviously saying i need x number of texts wont work, but just say you'd like to hear more about his days activities.

Open communication is key. Its just hard to adjust from being CD to LD. He just needs to realize that things are a bit different. All it takes is patience, adjustment and communication.

[kiara_silver]

My situation is a bit dif, since i started out as a LDR from the beginning. Im guessing its harder for couples to adjust to a LDR when they had been CD first. For me personally I do need to hear from my SO often. A LDR is hard, and not bieng able to see him or hear him, I need to have that communication some way with him. And im fortunate he gives this to me. But also have to take in consideration his busy schedule, I know not to be upset if i don't hear from him, because in the end he loves me and thats all that matters, so if he doesn't have time then theres a good reason for it. That being said, a girl still needs attention. I think you should talk to your SO about your feelings, find a compromise? Maybe continue on like your doing but pick a day to make it a date night? And spend the day together or a hour or two. So that way you have something weekly to look forward to? Communication is key, i don't mean be nagging or demanding, but you have to let your feelings be heard. I don't think your bieng unreasonable. And i believe people can make time, even if there busy, I know people need space and rest, but when its your loved one you can squeeze in a text or quick email daily i think. (course there's always exceptions) When I only heard from my SO every other day or after a few days,it was hard for me, and i think if i didnt eventually vent about it, i would have slowly felt distant from him, and maybe even started feeling unappreciated? So don't be afraid to share your feelings. I hope things work out and you two get to talk more!

[Jgui]

I think every couple is different, LDR or CD. I agree that communication is the key to any type of relationship, sometimes it is hard to keep up with it though.

Bring it up to him again indirectly and hint to him that sometimes you'd like a simple text from him just so you know he's been thinking of you. But since you say he is doing his residency he might be working really long hours. (12-hour shifts)

By you saying he is willing to drive 8 hours to see you means he loves and cares about you. I agree with you that the small things do also matter.

I'm having my 1st LDR and believe me, I understand how you're feeling because my SO and I don't text all the time. Sometimes maybe just 2-3 text a day, sometimes none. We try to talk on the phone but we're both not really phone persons. Communication is very important in a relationship, but different people do show love and tenderness in other forms.

Try to keep yourself busy so it'll take your mind off of wandering. I find thinking about the times we spend together very mind soothing.

You just need some time to adjust from being CD to LDR.

Best wishes and hope the best for you both.

[Kerry]

being in a LDR has so many challenges/obstacles. little things like telling your partner how you feel is very important. in my case I have no idea when I'm going to see my bf again so I have to hear from him daily by phone or computer. this is how we stay connected.

[LatinButterfly]

Open communication is key. Its just hard to adjust from being CD to LD. He just needs to realize that things are a bit different. All it takes is patience, adjustment and communication.

I do agree with Bethypoo on this... it's just a matter of time, but in between, yeah; patience and communication are key!
- I went through a similar situation with my so and nowadays, we do the GMorning/Gnight sweet texts and every here and there he sends a picture of something cool he saw/did... We also have a Skype date once a week sometimes twice, and we both are Ok with it because he have something to look forward to, which is always exciting and there are always a bunch of things to share.. I treasure every Skype date! - I of course know and understand that while it works for us, it might not work for every couple out there, you should try to find a way of staying connected that fits you as couple.. not just you or him but you guys as couple!
Also, don't give up on sending emails and sharing whenever you feel like, even if you don't get an answer back... My SO is like yours bad with emails and he hardly ever replies but I have never stopped and you have no idea how he appreciates it. =)

[kat4301]

I would make sure you know what you want. It can be really easy to compare yourself to other couples. A friend of mine has been in a relationship for five years and they are LDR and they don't need to talk that much, maybe just a few texts here and there, and others need a lot more. Also are you just starting grad school as LDR? My SO and I did the same thing and along with becoming LDR, being in grad school was stressful so we have had to adjust our communication to get what we both need. My school is time and energy heavy so I need support, but his grad school is academic heavy so he needs copious amounts of time to read. I would agree with others here that finding a routine will do you a world of good, whether it be when to talk, when to skype, when to visit etc.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Little messages, even if they only say I love you or *hugs* or something similar, will help bring a smile to your faces. Don't stop sending the emails either, because I'm sure he just loves reading them. Arrange Skype dates so that you both have something that you can look forward to. I've never experienced going LD from CD but I can imagine how hard it must be. A lot of my university friends are in similar positions so I can comprehend it. Just give it time, and you'll find a workable pattern for things

[daretolove]

Dear Friends,

Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom! It means the world to me what you all shared!! I talked to him yesterday and I've received a bunch of texts today (i'm not sure if he'll keep up! but I feel much more relieved and I know he's trying his best and if he doesn't send more texts is because he's waiting for something cool to happen....even though I just need a simple "hello!" or "i love you"....doesn't have to be anything special!). Anyway, I'm definitely going to suggest the Skype dates once a week... i love the idea... I just started my grad school program and have been feeling so overwhelmed with work and reserach and i don't have a social network or anything so I feel lonely sometimes and that makes the LDR even harder because I can't just call my SO up (cause he is always working!!) or see him at the end of the day.... i think it'll take some adjusting to the LDR and to a new town and program and just way of life in general... I will keep up the emails even if i get so little reinforcement! but I do know they make him happy
Thanks so much to all again for what you shared!! <3

[DemonxOisin]

Maybe I´m a little late haha, but I wanted to throw my 2 cents in as well.

Just talk WITH him about it! I tried to talk TO my SO about the very same thing, and all I got was "This is how I am, take me or leave me." But we finally talked about it with each other. he told me how he was feeling, and I told him how I was feeling. So we compromised. Some days, he really can´t text me, (he´s in uni for engineering, so he´s hella busy :P) but when he can, he does. we just had to come to a mutual understanding so I´m not being too clingy and he´s not being too distant :P :3

Heart-to-hearts do wonders!