Should I believe him?

[sarahrosestevey]

A while ago I posted, regarding my last visit with my then SO. For a quick recap, my SO and I had been together for six months. Before me, he was with a girl for six years, and they were engaged for three of those years. It was only about 11 months ago that they ended things. Anyway, I'd always felt a little apprehensive that I was a rebound, but he convinced me otherwise. My last trip there, he was acting funny. I did the shady thing and checked his phone - saw messages to her saying he was still in love with her, that she was the one, that he wasn't sure about me. I told him, stayed in a hotel my remaining few nights, and broke it off.

Fast forward two weeks later, and he literally hasn't stopped trying to talk to me. I'm going through a really hard time at the moment, as my mother passed away two months ago, so naturally I am vulnerable at this time. Every day he tries to call me, or texts me, telling me I had caught him on an off day (the messages were sent a month before I had arrived for my stay). He tells me he is in love with me, and will do anything to get me back. Naturally, and stupidly, I agree to try again.

Now we are "Trying again" it just feels weird. He used to do things like text me in the mornings a sweet message, or be wanting to call me every night. Now it just feels so different, and he feels even more distant than before. I told him I am feeling really down about my mother passing away, and that if this has any chance of working I really need him to be supportive. And he ALWAYS says the right thing - "Of course, I'll be here for you 100%, blah blah". But his actions say otherwise. I'm so confused. Every time I've talked to him recently, I have told him I think that whatever we had is over, he always always denies it and kind of doesn't let me/talks me out of it, convincing me it's not.

I know how pathetic and stupid this sounds, but I really am an emotional wreck. I got drunk last night with my friends, and I hadn't heard from him all day, so I left him a kind of angry/drunken text message saying I couldn't do this anymore. I wake up this morning to a three page email with him saying he's going to change, he loves me with all of his heart, that I have nothing to worry about and that he says he doesn't know whats going on with him at the moment. To quote him "I've just been floating through life, without acknowledging what's been going on. I'm finding it hard to know how to support you through this hard time, and I know it's wrong but subconsciously I've shut myself off. I know this is wrong and needs to change".

It's so confusing. Because I know I'll find myself getting angry at him the next time something happens, and he just always talks me out of it. I know I sound like a crazy person, but any advice would seriously be appreciated.

[Minerva]

*hugs*

Darling, let me put it to you straight: he's a douche. He only wants you because he wants you. As I said in my reply in your other thread, if he really loved you, after everything he's put you through he'd be willing to give you space to figure this out. Instead he hassled you until you gave in.

You don't seem to love him anymore, and he's being a dick to you. Not only that, but he's doing this to you right after you've lost your mom... my god, I'm not a violent person, but tell me where he hangs and I'll kick his ass.

You are not stupid and you're not crazy -- you're really vulnerable and he's taking advantage of it. You strike me as a smart person with a good head on your shoulders, but it's spinning right now and that's not your fault. You deserve so much better than this. Someone who loves you wouldn't make you feel this way.

Kick this guy. He's a turd. Don't let him hurt you or take advantage of your confused and grief-ridden state any longer. Get with your friends and lean on them, and continue to vent here if you need to. Just get rid of this guy.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

*hugs again*

[DemonxOisin]

First of all, hereīs a big huge old virtual hug for you! I want you to know that Iīm thinking of you, and hope everything turns out for the best for you!

Now, I do agree with what Minerva said to some extent. However, if I had done that to Miguel in the times heīs acted that way, I would have lost the wonderful present we have right now. Donīt forget that he was with this girl for 6 years. Thatīs quite a long time, and heīs not just going to get over that so quickly. BUT that doesnīt necissarily mean that he is using you as a rebound! I know this is a really different situation, but I have relapses with the girl my SO slept with every once in a while. Iīm totally over what happened between them now, and I have forgiven both of them, and myself. But because of how strong that emotional blow was, I still have days once in a while where I "hate that bitch." What Iīm trying to explain is that strong emotions donīt dissappear entirely for a long time, so during the time when you read that message, he was probably still healing, and really did have a bad day.

The fact that he keeps trying to win you back and doesnīt want to let you go makes me think he really does care. Is he also going through anything at this time? Maybe he is just honestly busy. That got in between my SO and I a couple of times. You know he doesnīt keep telling you to come back for sex lol (the one good thing about distance xD) So maybe he really is trying?

The best thing I can tell you is to do what makes you happiest. If giving him another chance would make you happy, then go for it. Forget pride. If you are just over all tired of this, than leave.

I hope I helped at least a little.

[Zephii]

*Many hugs for you*
My SO has often said he doesn't know how to support me, I'm still grieveing for my mum too, and it was much longer ago than your loss. I tell him to google it, honestly. If he wants to help there are a tonne of resources in the workd to help him learn how without making it worse for you.

That aside, right now you're probably not emotionally in a state where you can put much into a relationship. If you are going to have one at all, you need one with a man who's going to do the lions share of the work for a while. If you can't deal with his shit right now block him and change your phone number. If you need space to heal and he wont let you move on don't feel like you're a bad person for cutting him out of your life.

Take care of yourself, it will get better.

[Zephii]

*Many hugs for you*
My SO has often said he doesn't know how to support me, I'm still grieveing for my mum too, and it was much longer ago than your loss. I tell him to google it, honestly. If he wants to help there are a tonne of resources in the workd to help him learn how without making it worse for you.

That aside, right now you're probably not emotionally in a state where you can put much into a relationship. If you are going to have one at all, you need one with a man who's going to do the lions share of the work for a while. If you can't deal with his shit right now block him and change your phone number. If you need space to heal and he wont let you move on don't feel like you're a bad person for cutting him out of your life.

Take care of yourself, it will get better.

[Minerva]

DemonxOisin, I respect you with big ol' heaps of respect, and I admire you for putting your relationship back together after the two of you had a misstep. That takes a lot of courage and love and determination. And you definitely have an opinion worth considering because of what you've gone through in your own relationship. But did you read her other thread? While she was visiting him, he spent a lot time texting and talking to his ex. And god, he did this to her right after she's just lost her mom... can you imagine? Your grieving SO is in your bed and you sneak away to talk to your ex??

I think a good, honest guy would respect that she wants space, would respect that her head is a mess and that she needs to sort through it. It's one thing to tell her, "I love you and will do anything to make this work, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'll be here if you ever want to talk about this." But he didn't leave her alone. He kept after her until she took him back. She's confused and he's taking advantage of it. And she seems to resent he's done this to her, making her feel like an idiot and crazy. And he doesn't seem to care that she's miserable, only that he has her back.

I love my SO with everything in me, I'd be lost without him, but if I ever hurt him this much, I'd never hound him to forgive me and take me back. That would be up to him, and I'd respect his choice. My mistake -- his choice.

In any case, I really, really feel for the OP. There have been a lot of sad posts here in the past, but this one is actually making me cry. My heart goes out to her.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

DemonxOisin, I respect you with big ol' heaps of respect, and I admire you for putting your relationship back together after the two of you had a misstep. That takes a lot of courage and love and determination. And you definitely have an opinion worth considering because of what you've gone through in your own relationship. But did you read her other thread? While she was visiting him, he spent a lot time texting and talking to his ex. And god, he did this to her right after she's just lost her mom... can you imagine? Your grieving SO is in your bed and you sneak away to talk to your ex??.

This

DemonxOisin: Also, from what I got from your stories and posts, wasn't it an open relationship or something at the time? I could be getting that very wrong, but if that's the case, then a situation where a person cheats, in an exclusive relationship, is slightly different.

(I'm so sorry if I'm wrong!!!)

[sarahrosestevey]

Wow, honestly Minerva your words are so supportive and caring, I feel like crying after reading what you just said. Thank you so much for your support, you are so lovely. And everyone else too, of course, I honestly don't know where I would be without you guys, and during this hard time I appreciate it so much. I think I need some space, and you're right - I'm aware I'm acting out of character, and dealing with this while I'm also grieving probably isn't healthy right now. I guess I just feel really alone at the moment, and even though he isn't making me happy, I almost feel like its better to have this relationship than have nothing. My friends are obviously supportive, but I feel bad for always relying on them, etc. I will keep you updated. <3

[DemonxOisin]

No I didnīt. I think itīs different for everyone, and she needs to weight the options for her right now, and inevitably come to her own decision. I think that neither one of us knows the situation like she does, so only she can really make the best decision for herself. We can only give her the support sheīs looking for right now, and give her good arguments for both ways...
Sometimes, men honestly just make innocent mistakes, and sometimes it really isnīt worth it. I think that you and I have different opinions that are both right for ourselves. Now itīs up to OP

PS. I really hope Iīm not coming off as arguing with you! Like I said, I agree with your views to some extent as well!