Sometimes I'm really conflicted if what I am doing is the right thing..

[NineInchNails_x]

My boyfriend and I met in highschool in our junior year. We dated for about a year after that and after we graduated highschool we moved in together. We were both really immature and there was alot of arguing about who should do what. I had a job, he did not. He played computer games all day and night and eventually it started effecting our time together. He became emotionally abusive on several occasions. Name calling, making me feel bad about myself, etc. There were several times when he told me to get out because it was "his" apartment(his name as on the lease, not mine. I paid the bills) and go sleep in my car/find somewhere else to live. He was physically abusive once or twice. I know it shouldn't be tolerated but it was not very bad compared to kind of things that could have happened. He shoved me, pushed me to the ground, grabbed my arms. I moved out the next day into my parents home(who live 5 hrs away.) I started going to college and a few months later we began talking again on facebook. We ended up getting back together. I'd go see him about twice a month and things were great. We were semi long distance so we weren't together all the time and we weren't living together like we were before. This went on for a few months before he decided to go to school in Canada. I love him, and I miss him but sometimes things just don't seem right. He doesn't really want to try..I tell him I need more from him and he says "yeah, sure baby. We can do that" and he changes for a few days but eventually things go back to normal. I keep trying and trying to compromise and make this work but I'm just not happy and I find myself getting bored. It's fine when we are on skype/the phone and I know once I see him again that I'll be super happy but the time in between I find myself wishing I was out of the relationship. I don't know if this is normal, our relationship. It is the first one I have ever been in. We have plans for the future and my life seems so centered around him I don't know what I would do if we broke up for good. I don't know who I am any more. It's been 2 1/2 years..He disappoints me a lot and I look for things he does wrong to use against him(i know this sounds bad. i think i'm looking for a way out). My friends think he is no good(ALL of them) and they have told me he is self centered and he puts himself first. My mom is always on my side so when I'm against him so is she. He doesn't mind lying his way out of problems, stealing, drinking or doing drugs. I can't imagine him doing well in life. He is lazy. And he can't hold jobs. He is going to school to "provide for us" but I don't know if he actually will. I have stuff of his that he would want back. If I did break up with him is it his responsibility to come pick it all up? Since our parents and friends are all 5 hrs apart its not easy for me to just drop his stuff off at someone elses house. I'm afraid he will come to my house to pick it up, beg forgiveness and I will cave. He says he is too busy to talk to me all day(thats not what I ask for. I'd appreciate an email or two a day so I know he is alive and well), yet he can go party and hang out with all of his friends. He makes me feel bad for even asking. And his excuse is that he is busy with school and has friends and I don't. I know he most likely is not doing any studying or any homework based on how he acted in highschool. I'm a hard worker and I am very busy with school yet I always make time for him. I don't have any friends because I just started school and before that I moved at the beginning of summer and hadn't had the chance to meet anyone. I'm just so conflicted. We've had so many memories and so many good times together I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am doing all of the work! I just needed to vent..hope you all don't mind. Any input?

[Mara]

How is this relationship benefiting you? Does he make you want to be a better person? Does he provide for you emotionally? Is your life enriched by him being in it? If you can't come up with the answer to these questions or they are all negative answers, I think you should take a look at where you should go from here.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd end things. It sounds like you want out and that he isn't/hasn't been the best boyfriend. If you want to break up with him, do so, and mail his things to him or to someone's house he could pick them up from.

[NineInchNails_x]

I don't think I'm benifiting at all. It hurts because I feel like I am doing so much for him, I am trying so hard and making a huge effort and he doesn't do it in return. I've put so much into this..I'm unhappy. I love him but I'm not happy any more

[Minerva]

I'm at work and this is a big block of text so it's hard to read, so this may have to wait until I get home for a decent reply, but from what I've gathered here your SO has a history of being abusive, lazy, and hurtful, as well as doing drugs. What stood out most to me was this:

..He disappoints me a lot and I look for things he does wrong to use against him(i know this sounds bad. i think i'm looking for a way out).

This? Gave me chills. I've been there. I was with an abusive man for about a year and a half, and I didn't love him -- at the time I thought I loved him, maybe... I really had no idea what I felt for him. I wanted away from him, but didn't know how to get away, so I stored up all his offenses and threw them at him whenever I could. I was trying to say, "see?? See how unhappy I am? Can't you please let me go?" He had damaged my mind so much that I felt like I couldn't get away unless he let me go (which was sort of the truth, he stalked me for awhile after I finally did get away).

I don't know if you're being abused; I had to skim this too quickly. But it does sound damaging to you. And he sounds like someone you need to get away from. If I'm off the mark, let me know. I'll look at this post later to see if I got this wrong. I just didn't want to wait to reply, because as I said, that quote above chilled me to the bone.

[NineInchNails_x]

He was abusive in the past. We haven't lived together in about 6-8 months, only visits of about 2 wks at a time. He wasn't abusive then but I am afraid that if I move back in with him some day he will be. He apologized and said he would never do it again but it hurts when you think that person loves you and then they treat you like that. I try and see the good in him, try and give him second chances. The good times are really good and the bad times are really bad. I think I know I should leave him but I keep trying to convince myself and he always pulls me back to him in the end

[Minerva]

*hugs*

OK. I'll try to give this more attention when I get home from work tonight. All I can say now is people who are abusive rarely change, and if they do, it takes so much time and effort -- to the point they almost become different people.

[NineInchNails_x]

Thank you. It's nice to have someone who has been in a similar situation

[Bethypoo]

If you are questioning your happiness then there is a problem. And if you have lost who you are then this relationship isn't right. You should bring out the best in one another and it doesn't seem like that is happening. Beside that, you should never have to put up with being physically or emotionally abused! Ever! So that in itself is a sign that is it time to move on and do better for yourself.

[Minerva]

Sorry, it took me longer than expected to get back to this. I sort of crashed last night, and have been hazy because of allergies, but this is the kind of thing I want to give my full attention to.

First of all, no, this is not normal. A healthy relationship is about give and take. At some points you may have to carry the relationship, but it shouldn't be 100% all the time.

If this was the only issue, I'd say your relationship has enough wrong with it to have doubts about it working. But there is much more going on here.

He's been abusive, he lies, he steals, he's lazy. You say you have good times? Well, even a jerk can show you a good time. You say you have memories? I do as well from my abusive relationship, ones I wish I could forget.

Don't cling to something that's making you miserable just because you've had good moments. Don't worry about throwing away something you've put time into if it's not working -- putting in more time will NOT make this better or turn him into a good man. It will only take more time out of your life that you'll one day regret spending.

You're not happy and you don't sound like you're in love. The only reason you're sticking with this is because it's what you know. This is not a good relationship, and it will never be a good relationship. This man is not trying to change, and even if he did, even if he swore up and down he will change for you, don't believe it: they never do. When a person this far gone gets serious about change, they do a lot more than promise. I'm a big believer that people like this rarely change and if they do, they can't do it while in a relationship.

This is toxic. This could become abusive again. This will only continue to hurt you in the long run. Get out. Box his things up, mail them to him or arrange to have him pick them up and don't be there when he comes.

There are good men out there that won't make you question everything, and trust me, when you're in a healthy, loving relationship, you'll know it.

If you need anything or have any questions, feel free to message me.

*hugs*

[GoddessDivine]

I think if you are having doubts, it may not be what you want. If you're note happy with him and with who he is now, you never will be. He most likely won't change for you if you asked him too, and if he's been emotionally and physically abusive before, chances are he will do it again sometime.

Also, regarding him picking up his stuff, I would either recommend mailing it to him, or have him come by sometime when you're not home and ask your parents or a friend to return his stuff to him so you don't have to worry about anything.

If you do end up breaking up, I also suggest you block him in as many ways as you can. Facebook, phone number, everything. This way he can't message you later and try to get you to come back to him like he did before, because you will most likely become just as unhappy about things as you are now.

[Zephii]

I think a reasonable amount of doubt is fine, but this...
I don't understand why you are with him. And "I love him" isn't good enough - I might get flamed for this but, I honestly believe you can not build a solid long term relationship on love alone. Love isn't enough, love is not all you need. I know some women stay with men because they think "I can fix him, he'll change". You can't fix him, you shouldn't have to and there are plenty of other genuinely good guys out there who are not broken.

I would be leery about going back to someone who's physically abusive. There are some things that don't deserve a second chance and to me, physical abuse is one of them. I'm not going to say that no violent person ever changes or that going back basically tells him it's alright to treat you that bad - but I do think it's not worth the risk, especially if one day you want to have children.

The longer you stay with someone the more your life gets tangled with theirs and the harder it is to break things off.

With his stuff, I'd find a mutual friend or a local family member of his to take it and that way you don't need to see him.

[Jgui]

i don't see what you're benefiting from this relationship... if you're questioning yourself and having doubts then it's kind of clear your mind knows what is best, yet your heart is telling you otherwise..

i've been through a similar situation before, i've dated a guy in middle school for few months, broke up and we started talking again in sophomore year high school and started dating again. i moved in with him right away and we were always arguing about the stupidest things. he then became very abusive, verbally and psychically. i was with him for 1.5 years and put up with all his crap because i thought i loved him.

as far as you wanting him to change, i really dont think that will happen, a person doesn't change unless they want to change themselves. im glad i got out of the relationship with my ex because he is still the same person he is today. (my friend dates his younger brother and tells me)

it's taking that 1st step of leaving that's hard, but once you find another person who treats you like how you're suppose to be treated, with respect ad love, you will realize how messed up your current boyfriend is.

[NineInchNails_x]

I think you are all right. Its given me a lot to think about. You are right, the first step is always the hardest. I'm getting my mom to help me, taking away my phone etc so I won't be tempted to run back to him. I don't know what has kept me with him for so long but I'm talking to him tonight. Thanks everyone

[floridaellen]

I think you are making the right choice and a good first step. We'll all here to help.