trying to convince her to move here

[someones prince]

I met carrie in dec 2009, and we hit it off right from the start, we love each other so much, we cant stop thinking about each other. she is afraid of this distance as i am too, but love knows no distance. she is afraid to move here, but wants me in her life. i want this too. i have a great job here, she has no job, but her family is there. this has been an ongoing issue with us. i am willing to try and make this work, but she is afraid. i have a hard time saying words of encuragement to her, not sure what to say to try and convince her to take the chance here. i have told her that i would never hurt her, her ex has beat her a few times, i hate people that do that. what else can i say to her. she is only 9hrs away, we can visit her family on weekends anytime she wants. i want this so bad. and so does she, but she is afraid to get hurt. she also has 2 teen kids16 an 17.5. they are also an issue, they dont want to move either.she said her kids come first, i can accept that, i would say the same.i have 2 kids also that i visit on weekends. i cant make her force her kids to move, i would not do that. they need to decide for them selves. i amplanning another trip there in 4 weeks. she wants to come here for a week also. any advice would be helpfull.

just wanted to add this...


she sugested she would move here, and said in time we would be together, the changes her mind about moving, then changes it again. i understand her dilema. her family, then me. i have the same dilema. also her friend is telling her distance realationships dont work. she loves me and i love her. i think fate brought us together, i belive in fate, things happen for a reason. we met on [B]quest phone chat[B] we had both had our phones hooked up that day and when i was watching tv the add came on, try it for free, first hour is free. so i called and i sent her a msg. she saw same add. we started chatting then our time was about up and she asked me for my number. then we chatted for 10 hrs, then next day all day, then some more, then i got my internet and went there, msn,...thats when i first saw her. she is a goddes.

[Caitlin2009]

I would tell her what i told Denise when she was also afraid to leave because her family is in Scotland..."you cant allow yourself to hold back on what you wanna do in life just because your family is here right now, you shouldnt let the love of your family and other things prevent you from moving, or doing things you want to do in life, because if you do a few years from now you'll look back and keep wondering if you should have done that, you will have missed out on a opportunity that you cant go back and fix. i know your afraid but you can do it, and it will be so worth it in the end" thats what i told her when i first started talking to my girl

[Bluestars]

Does she have to decide to move right away? Personally, I would want to wait more than four months of dating before I moved to be with my SO. Maybe that is one of her concerns. Ultimately, if she tells you that she is unwilling to move because of her family, then that is something you will have to accept. You cannot expect her to leave everything behind if you are not willing to do so yourself. I am not saying that she will not eventually to move to be with you, but you are asking a lot out of her when it sounds as though you do not want to move either. YOU could find a job in her town and move to be with her, so maybe that would be another option.

This is something that you should discuss with her though. You should not ask her to move to be with her, but ask her what plans you think you BOTH can make in the future to close the distance.

[Rach321]

I know it's hard to be apart, but I can imagine it would be incredibly difficult for a mother to move away from her children. Especially at their ages- they'll only be at home for a couple more years. If they are in school, they probably don't want to have to move to a new place and make new friends (and I can imagine she might be hestitant to even bring it up to them). It's not that she doesn't love you or want to be with you, but you might need to be patient with her.

If she has a more flexible schedule, perhaps you could talk to her about spending more time with you. For example maybe she could come and stay for a couple of weeks every couple of months? As she becomes more comfortable being away, she could start spending more and more time with you. Of course, I don't know about her kids. If her ex was abusive and the kids stay with him when she is away, she might be hesitant to be so far away for any length of time so that she can be there for her her kids in case something terrible would happen. As much as you want to be together, sometimes in a LDR you need to wait a bit until the timing is right for both partners.

[Moon]

Her kids are in high school, and she can't just pull them out and move them away, it would be devastating at that age. You really need to consider that and think about what you're pressuring her to do. My daughter is 21 now, but I would have NEVER pulled her out of her school and away from her friends once she hit high school for some guy, especially one I'd only known a few short months. It's selfish and unfair, any decent mother does what's right for her children first, before her own feelings, and always before yours, you need to realize this is a package deal and you'll never be the most important one in this relationship. If you're truly in love, and she's worth it to you, you'll stop pressuring her and wait until both kids have graduated, at the very least. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's the deal, and if you want her, you have to accept it. She's not free, but she will be in a couple of years, so be patient and consider what you're doing to those kids.

Having been a single mom to a teenager, all I can say is been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt! Good luck.

[agentholli]

I am almost in the same position that you are in. We both have kids....and its a hard desicion to decide who moves and who doesn't. If you would like to know more of my advice, and what we have decided to do, send me a private message.

[someones prince]

that very nice advice.

[Mio]

It's a hard situation for both of you, and I hope you can get a good solution for everyone involved!

[ValadinShadow]

I am in almost the exact same situation as you, minus the kids. My SO is over in North Carolina finishing school, and I am in Washington with a full time job. When I got the job offer, I talked to him about it, and he said go for it, and that we would make it work. He later decided to stay in NC and find work there, to be near his family in case something happened. Now let me tell you, I was very, very upset about this. We had been going out for over 3 years at this point, and I didn't understand why he, with no job, would ask me to leave my family AND a full time job that was in my field (very hard to find, most are part time) so that he could be near his family. Honestly, I'm still angry about it. I'm angry that he could ask a sacrifice of me that he isn't willing to give.
Now, with that said, I can understand his reasoning, and I can understand Carrie's. Especially with kids. You are right. Nine hours is not so bad. But I am only three from my family, and it feels like an eternity. If her family has been her support system with an abusive husband, this would be extra hard. It's hard to leave a life you have established, a place you are comfortable. And if she is like my SO, and has never lived far away from her family, it is terrifying. Fear is a very powerful thing. I think that you should back off a bit in talking about moving. Tell her that it is what you want, but that you are willing to wait. If you have done the distance for this long, what is a little more time? I have backed off my SO a bit about it, and while he knows that I am still a little mad about it, (ok, a lot mad) I am respecting his decision. I think she will appreciate the space to think about things without feeling like she is on a timeline, or will be disappointing you. If it was meant to be, something will work out. If nothing else, the extra time might help her build trust in you. Good luck!!!

[Zephii]

I didn't read all the replies, I apologise for repeating anything.

I don't think that you can ask anything of someone that you would not be willing to do yourself. From someone who used to travel 4hours each way to see her family for just one night each week - 9 hours is an awful lot. I know I personally couldn't ask someone to perminantly move away from their family for me because I didn't want to lose my job, because to me jobs are about money and self-satisfaction where family is about people and their feelings. Family, IMO, trumps everything. And if she moves and brings her kids now, chances are they will never forgive you, which will also put a lot of pressure on the relationship.
I know you also have family. Would a compromise of living half way between be achieveable?
I also think that as your relationship is very young and you might need to slow down and take the pressure off a little bit.

[JoMarie]

I also didn't read the replies, so bare with me here...

My SO and I are 10 hours apart. I am VERY close to my family, and we have a family business here. My SO is in the military, so he can't just up and leave. When we got together we talked about what would happen and we both came up with this...After being together in a LDR we would decide what needed to happen. After 8 months I know that in August I'm moving to him. Was it an easy decision? No. I had to consider leaving my very close friends and family, moving from a small town to a big city, and what would happen with my family business if I were to leave.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't make the decision for her. You can't convince her to move. She is her own person, and when the time is right, a decision will be made. You can't ask her to do something that you wouldn't do. Did you ever consider applying for a similar job that you have, closer to where she is? I don't know your whole story, but a job is a job, and family is family, but more importantly her kids are her children. They do, and should come first, and I can't say that I blame her for the hard time making a decision.