His fears about our future (desperately need opinions)

[uniquefem]

I'll try to sum 4 hours skype convo here.

Things not workout well with us for past few months, and it actually not related with our relationship directly. But it does affect our future big time. Its our anniversary on Oct 28th, we are one year on LDR.

Past few weeks my SO been juggling between one interviews to another as his contract almost end and his work visa almost finish (December) in Germany. He is currently doesn't have a job anymore in Germany, but the office let him stay there until the visa done. He want to get skype last night and i know i had very bad feeling about it.

We talk about an hour about Russia, Moscow, the traffic jam....he talk about offers from USA and chance to go back to California, and he had offer from International company in Berlin. But its all shady as he haven't got any solid offers, beside the one at Moscow.

Suddenly he said in tears-out of no where--- we better end the relationship now, because he afraid i wont be happy in Moscow. I was in shock. But i let him talk as he never really talk about what he feels about me and the relationship. He said if he took the job in Moscow, its lower pay, and if i went there, it will be a very stranger country for me as the languages and hand written something i don't know. He said i will be very depend on him, and he scared that if something goes wrong with our relationship i will be by my self in stranger country.

He beg me to understand that the last thing he want is hurting me, the last thing he want is to see me unhappy. He want me to have all the things that every woman want, good house, healthy children with very good future in expensive school, he want me to keep being Indonesian and not loose my identity as, in Moscow i will speak Russian and i wont be able to talk in Indonesia language and soon i will forget about it.

He said he was very happy when i was there with him, and he said i don't deserve the future that he about to get. In tears he said the last thing he want is to see me suffer and its all because of him. He said he dreamed about having future with me he thinks about kids, he think about us being together but given the conditions right now, he just don't want this future for me.

I was crying like crazy until my eyes swollen, it hurts me very bad...

I tried to be very supportive and ask him does he want this? he said NO. He just afraid when we did move out to Moscow and i wont like it and i WILL leave him, thats what he can not live with. He won't stand the hurts if thats happens.

Moscow, Africa, Brazil, anywhere in the world people do what i am going to do, move out with their love one. I don't understand why he think i won't stand Moscow (yes he did mention the WINTER-but whats the heater for??) and i am able to learn the languages (see my English! not even my native language!) he doesn't want me to bet my entire live with him its not a gambling, trust me!

He just feel stressed out because he always had good plan, and never happens like this, he said it like the domino effect everything fails one by one. I really want to hug him... I still believe in us i still believe in him. I never want to be with someone like i want to be with him.

I never heard all of this from him, and oh my God, this is the guy that i called "as cold as Moscow winter" he never show emotions... and he cried he told me about his fears, he told me about his feelings, he told me he does think about future, kids and so much more with me. He finally open his heart for me, and want to let me go because he is not sure he could made me happy???

It was 00.20 when i finally made him calm down and agree; that this is just his low stressful time, and everything will be all right. And i made him promise, to never say broke up because of material stuff. He also want me to stop cry and said, and promise he will work on something. If he end up to Moscow, or California, or Berlin, there i will be, and i wont leave him because he only had a rental apartment!

Last night i am very sure 100% i want to spent my life time with this guy, in good or bad, in joy or sorrow.


So, people:
1. Am i too naive to think this going to work??
2. I am a solid strong person, living in strange country is hard but i want and willing to try (Sumatra jungle is where is stay with mosquitoes, heavy rains and no electricity-where people don't even know what malls is??), does this made sense for you or am i just blinded?
3. Does it stupid, after last night he open up to me... i feel even much loving him??
4. Any other advise for me from all whats happens here??

All supports needed.....thanks......

[Sunnyside193]

of course you're not to naive for thinking it will work out. I cant talk from experience but I'm sure alot of people have successfully moved to another country and continued on with their lives. Like you said it could just be a stressful time for him and he is maybe trying to make sure you would be ready if you were to move over with him. I guess all I can suggest is just continue to talk it out with him and answer his fears about it.

[Bobbiejeanne]

You make a great many of good points! You just need to get him to see this. He needs to have faith in your relationship.
Is it possible that he's just stressed right because of the job search? Maybe let the matter rest for a little bit, but keep telling him how much you care for him, and you're willing to help out with whatever he needs. After things have calmed down a little, try talking to him about it rationally.
You make good arguments, and so does he. But his points are easily changed!! Assuage his fears, bring up the fact you learn languages easy, that you can handle extreme weathers and cultures. Maybe try doing some research on Moscow, and tell him some reasons why you would want to move there (I love the such and such in Moscow, it seems amazing! And the so and so...so interesting!)

[lucybelle]

I think it's normal for him to worry whether or not you will like Moscow (or where ever he ends up). But at the same time, this sort of screams "trying to let you down easy" to me. I don't know your SO, so I could be way off. Talk to him about everything and if he really does truly want a future with you then he'll come around. If not I do sort of wonder. Because didn't he recently cancel a visit to see you?

But if all that is wrong (which it very well could be) then you really need to figure out what's going on. He doesn't plan on living in Moscow forever does he? Just temporarily?

[uniquefem]

of course you're not to naive for thinking it will work out. I cant talk from experience but I'm sure alot of people have successfully moved to another country and continued on with their lives. Like you said it could just be a stressful time for him and he is maybe trying to make sure you would be ready if you were to move over with him. I guess all I can suggest is just continue to talk it out with him and answer his fears about it.

If he want me to move now with him i will fly there, i would stood by his side. He made me a stronger person and i want to be his reason not to feel failed too
Thanks for the suggestion, oh my its hard but as you suggest i will continue talk with him about this...

---------- Post added at 08:08 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:06 AM ----------

You make a great many of good points! You just need to get him to see this. He needs to have faith in your relationship.
Is it possible that he's just stressed right because of the job search? Maybe let the matter rest for a little bit, but keep telling him how much you care for him, and you're willing to help out with whatever he needs. After things have calmed down a little, try talking to him about it rationally.
You make good arguments, and so does he. But his points are easily changed!! Assuage his fears, bring up the fact you learn languages easy, that you can handle extreme weathers and cultures. Maybe try doing some research on Moscow, and tell him some reasons why you would want to move there (I love the such and such in Moscow, it seems amazing! And the so and so...so interesting!)

Believe it or not i did tried to learn the language, i know few words, its baby step, but i am willing to try that with him. Thanks for the suggestion.. i will try to talk with him that way about Moscow or anywhere he will be

[Sunnyside193]

Well its good to see you know a few words. Its hard to learn a language when your not actually immersed in it. Just remember that once your in culture you will pick up the language more easily.

[Minerva]

In a way I understand how he feels. My SO is in England and I'm in the US. I've been to the UK 3 times and I love it. If not for my son, I'd move there to be with him tomorrow. I know even if we broke up, I'd be happy there; I'd move for him, but I'd probably move there on my own anyway.

But the way things are, he may be the one that needs to move. And he's yet to visit the US. He moved to a different part of England to be with his previous partner, and is unhappy there and feels trapped because he owns his house. If he's that unhappy being just a couple of hours from what he's used to, how would he feel if he was in a whole other country? I love him, and the last thing I want to do is have him feel trapped somewhere without family or friends or familiar places.

I won't let that stop us. We love each other, and we can't bet against our relationship -- we have to hope it will work out, or why bother? But it worries me, it really does. Even if we stay together forever, I don't want to trap him in a place he hates.

But... we can always move. And that's what comforts me. With both of us having feet in two countries, we can move. We can be a truly international couple. Perhaps he moves here for a few years, and then we retire to England. Who knows? Nothing has to be in stone. We can go anywhere. It won't be easy, but we can do it.

If things don't work out, he can always go home. The same with you. No it isn't as easy as hopping on a bus, but you can still go home.

Finally, this is a decision for both of you. It's your choice if you want to move to be with him, your sacrifice. He shouldn't make the choice for both you. That's not really fair. I know he's trying to do best by you, but this isn't his choice. He needs to let that go and let you decide what's best for yourself. You're not a little girl, you can live your life the way you want, including moving to another country to be with your SO.

Best of luck.

[uniquefem]

I think it's normal for him to worry whether or not you will like Moscow (or where ever he ends up). But at the same time, this sort of screams "trying to let you down easy" to me. I don't know your SO, so I could be way off. Talk to him about everything and if he really does truly want a future with you then he'll come around. If not I do sort of wonder. Because didn't he recently cancel a visit to see you?

But if all that is wrong (which it very well could be) then you really need to figure out what's going on. He doesn't plan on living in Moscow forever does he? Just temporarily?

Lucybelle, thank you for following me yess he did cancel his plan to visit me also because of this reason. Like i told you here its been past few months that he look up for job but not find a good replacement for his current job.

I understand very well the reason why he can not come, he can not come because his passport will expired soon, and because if he went to Indonesia to visit me, he haven't got a job yet.... i don't think its wise to go here and see me while his head is restless wondering somewhere else thinking about looking for new jobs and interviews.

No, he doesn't like the idea living in Moscow, as he told me while everyone wants to get out from there (IT guys) and get job abroad as in USA or in Germany, he decide to go back, and he actually not really sure its a good idea. He was there few days ago and he see it him self he doesn't like it there. He was in USA for over 5 years and then to Germany almost 3 years and never really return to Russia. Last December was the very first time after 5 years he went back there. He wish if he move to new job it will be his last job and he settled there. And this is means to take the Moscow job and stay there like forever.

I don't know i just hope some miracle happens in next few days that he does hear something better from Berlin or California.

He wants this relationship, just afraid that he can not make me happy there, as he went there to Moscow and see the hard reality there. Its very different life as in USA or in Germany. As i was there in Germany he always want to take care of me and give me his best. I had no doubt that what he said is true. Its just making me sad for him to think the materials stuff much matters for me rather than being together.

Thanks for opening my mind tho i need those (not always sweet thoughts...i need contradiction something to discuss about)

[msskunk]

*big hugs*
I remember what did my SO said when he canceled his last trip, he said that he deserved if I erase his name and memories about him. But I understand he did it for the sake of his company, his responsibilities, and his future - that mean our future.
Life not only have smooth path, but there always messy roads. And I believe you can make it through, how hard its.
He just feel so down right now and need someone to hold on, he believes what he think is for your happiness but your happiness is being beside him how hard its. Keep hold on and let him know that you always there for him

[uniquefem]

@ Minerva
Geeezz haha reading this made me weep again.

I did told him, do not make decision for me, i am not cripple that i can not use my brain and i know what i want. I know it will be hell of struggle for me when i move with him, if he is in Russia. Less money, might stay in very small apartment, traffic jam, languages, cultures. And as he said i bet my life to be with him.

That's what actually scared him, it didn't work out and i leave him in Moscow after trying. He seemed very scared of hurt that way. If he is someone whos afraid of commitment he wont start doing this all with me, and even think about future into details like he told me last night. From our convo i know he made lots of plan for me and our future, but he never share it and keep it for him self. And when this bad things happens its like bomb explode and he told me everything.

His dreams, his plan about owning a good, safe place to live with me, good private school for children, get family car, had cats, these are things he never told me, and all collides he just.... cry. I just.....thought i was the only one who think about this and to hear him like that last night breaking my heart.

I just hope this will work out. Either in Moscow or somewhere else.. and i don't have to leave him for good after we're together.

Thanks for giving me another point of view (from his) i really appreciate it....

[uniquefem]

*big hugs*
I remember what did my SO said when he canceled his last trip, he said that he deserved if I erase his name and memories about him. But I understand he did it for the sake of his company, his responsibilities, and his future - that mean our future.
Life not only have smooth path, but there always messy roads. And I believe you can make it through, how hard its.
He just feel so down right now and need someone to hold on, he believes what he think is for your happiness but your happiness is being beside him how hard its. Keep hold on and let him know that you always there for him

I will try to hold on, its just like you said..... very sad thing when you hear from them, when they want it over because THEY THINK we will never be happy with them. I just want things going good again and we will laugh about it... it break my heart to hear him so down like last night

---------- Post added at 08:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:58 AM ----------

*big hugs*
I remember what did my SO said when he canceled his last trip, he said that he deserved if I erase his name and memories about him. But I understand he did it for the sake of his company, his responsibilities, and his future - that mean our future.
Life not only have smooth path, but there always messy roads. And I believe you can make it through, how hard its.
He just feel so down right now and need someone to hold on, he believes what he think is for your happiness but your happiness is being beside him how hard its. Keep hold on and let him know that you always there for him

I will try to hold on, its just like you said..... very sad thing when you hear from them, when they want it over because THEY THINK we will never be happy with them. I just want things going good again and we will laugh about it... it break my heart to hear him so down like last night

[Mara]

*hugs* It sounds like a hard conversation to have and I think he is just upset because of how things are looking right now with him maybe having to go back to Moscow, but I do think it was, at least, good that you got to hear his thoughts for your future and to now that he is planning a future with you.

Honestly, your SO sounds a lot like mine. My SO stresses himself so much to do well so he can find a good, stable job and so he will be able to provide for me and any children we would someday have. He wants to spend his life with me, but for him that means being able to provide for me and support me. He doesn't like the city he currently lives in either [much like how your SO doesn't like Moscow] and he was worried that if I moved there I would be unhappy too. I told him we will make our happiness wherever together. The people always make the place not the location.

I think your SO is just depressed because he doesn't want to go back to Moscow himself, he's worried about being able to provide for you there, and he's worried you won't like it either. I think anyone who was in his position would have the same feelings, but the two of you can make it anywhere as long as you commit to each other and work hard together to make things work. You can learn the language and adjust to the people, the location, the change in lifestyle. You don't have to give up being yourself to move somewhere new, maybe you would add to yourself in learning a new language and being in a new place, but you would still be you.

I hope your SO hears something back about something better than this job offer, but if not, I think Moscow would be as good as place as any. As long as he'd be there and you'd get be there [eventually] the two of you will be happy, trust me.

[uniquefem]

@Mara
Thats what i told him... i want him to promise not to ever say anything about this anymore... why would i want to live another future if its not with him? he worried things too much and he doubt i will be strong! ive been through bad stuff and to know he was there it made me stronger.. i wish he could do the same... its just seemed he hate failure that when he got one he just down on his knees. I am not a person who will quit at very first obstacles... i wont gave up before trying.

At the same time thats why i want everyone look at my situation whether i am too naive and blinded by my feeling, or its actually could work out and he just stressed out because of the job and the thought going back to Moscow.

I bet my life on his hand, its true, but i wont loose it before even trying!

[Ms.Justine]

You make a great many of good points! You just need to get him to see this. He needs to have faith in your relationship.
Is it possible that he's just stressed right because of the job search? Maybe let the matter rest for a little bit, but keep telling him how much you care for him, and you're willing to help out with whatever he needs. After things have calmed down a little, try talking to him about it rationally.
You make good arguments, and so does he. But his points are easily changed!! Assuage his fears, bring up the fact you learn languages easy, that you can handle extreme weathers and cultures. Maybe try doing some research on Moscow, and tell him some reasons why you would want to move there (I love the such and such in Moscow, it seems amazing! And the so and so...so interesting!)

I agree with this exactly!

[Miramaid]

I didn't read the comments.
I am from Russia. It is not an easy country to live in BUT unless u are from a rich family, it will not be worse then living in Indonesia. Yes the climate is different, but I now live in a place where it is always HOT and HUMID and it is nothing like Russia and I am ok (P.S. my move was NOT because of a relationship, but I totally would move for my SO if i could).
My only concern about you is that for one you would have to be legal in Russia to be able to find a job. I am not sure about the laws, but make sure you can make it happen if you guys are not going to get married (then of course it would be easier with the paperwork). Also I would encourage you to google and search Indonesian organizations in Moscow and contact them about job opportunities and networking. Moscow is a huge metropolitan city an I am sure there are Indonesian organizations, EMBASSY, and companies. You need to go a lot of searching and make contacts with them and may be even try to find a job there.
As for learning Russian, you will eventually learn especially if you live there. I would encourage you to have some $ saved just in case things go bad and you want to leave (for WHATEVER reason) so you are not alone in a country that you do not know with no $.

---------- Post added at 11:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:58 PM ----------

Oh yes btw Russian men do not show many emotions on the outside but it doesn't mean they are not emotional. It is a cultural thing.