I can't believe it... He cheated?!?!

[CanadianGirl]

I still think you were quite justified in making him sound like an asshole.. Regardless of how you found out, the fact that he wants to downplay his role in cheating says a lot about him. I'm wondering (if this is prying, feel free to not answer), but have you spoken since?

EDIT: Just saw the second post. If you're willing to work through it, I respect that. I also think he should get checked for STDs, if you two work things out down the line. Better not to pay twice for his mistake. I'd say it is a glimmer of hope that he came out to you, instead of lying to you about it. I'm sure you're very aware of the talking you two need to do, but he certainly owes you a very good explanation of what possibly went through his head.

Also, I think it's an interesting idea, to get him to tell his parents. If they're a strong force in his life, it would definitely mean something if he could own up to his behavior.

[Joyce:)]

I really hope he will prove to you that he deserves a second chance, and I really hope that you will feel better with time.
It was your decision to make, and you always know that you can come here for support, to vent, or to actually declare that you are proud of having made the right choice.
Good luck

[Bobbiejeanne]

I still think you were quite justified in making him sound like an asshole.. Regardless of how you found out, the fact that he wants to downplay his role in cheating says a lot about him. I'm wondering (if this is prying, feel free to not answer), but have you spoken since?

We had a very very long talk the day of, probably about 3 hours all together...which was a feat for me since I had classes, or I would have talked more.
We texted last night, but I hadn't made my decision yet, and I just felt horrible. I feel like now I could probably speak to him, but I have a very long list of things to say that I wrote down earlier.

[CanadianGirl]

We had a very very long talk the day of, probably about 3 hours all together...which was a feat for me since I had classes, or I would have talked more.
We texted last night, but I hadn't made my decision yet, and I just felt horrible. I feel like now I could probably speak to him, but I have a very long list of things to say that I wrote down earlier.

Best of luck! I really, really mean that. And we'll be here for you if you need us :bighug:

[Mara]

I support you no matter what, but I am a bit sad for you not only because that this has happened, but because you have decided to stay with him. Not because I felt that leaving him was necessarily the right thing to do, but because I've been there.

I've only ever really been in two serious long term relationships. The latter being with my SO and the former being with my ex who cheated on me twice [that I know of].

Now, my ex and I had been together for three years and he had asked me to marry him when he cheated on me. Like Brennan, he had no reason to cheat, and I think that was the first red flag, IMO. No, there is never a "reason" to cheat, but sometimes there are situations [unhappy marriage/relationship, not sexually active together anymore, one or both partners being depressed] that contribute to these types of things. We were perfectly happy and to me, that makes it all the worse and also points to a serious personal problem within that other person. If someone would betray the person they are with when things are good what does this say about that person and how they will behave in less than ideal situations?

Why did I stay? Because I loved him and I had invested a lot into our relationship. I can tell you honestly now years later looking back that, that was stupidity on my part. [Not implying that you are stupid at all for staying, just saying that I was.] I wanted to be with him and I wanted our relationship to work, but I was too caught up to realize that I wanted to be with the person he was before he cheated and I wanted to be in the relationship we had before he cheated. When a person cheats, that's all destroyed.

We tried though. I give that to my ex and I. We tried to rebuild and reconstruct. To be honest, when I found out he had cheated the second time I wasn't even hurt or angry, I was relieved. Whatever obligation I felt I had to him was released after that. I moved on quickly and quite happily with my current SO.

I don't regret staying with my ex though. It learned me a very valuable life lesson. If my current SO was to cheat, I can't say that I'd stay.

I think the first step with Brennan is just talking, lots and lots of talking about boundaries, about "rules", and really just about why he did what he did. Rebuilding trust is so far in the future right now that it's not even worth mentioning. I also agree that he needs to be tested for STDs before the two of you are intimate again.

[Minerva]

I respect your decision and since I've never been cheated on, I can't say I'd do any different.

But as to this:

We're back at square one, like we had never met before.

Don't fool yourself into this line of thought. You're not at square one. Square one is in the begining when you're getting to know someone, when you think you might like them and open your heart to them and they've never given you a reason to question your trust. You're at negative square one. You can say "starting over" as much as you like, but unless you take something that wipes away all memories of his cheating, you're going to know he's done something to damage the relationship. You're setting up strict new rules because you have to rebuild that trust, and you're going to be watching everything he does, hoping he doesn't betray your trust again. This is not what one does at square one.

You haven't just met. You've been together for several months now. He cheated on you. Have that clear in your head, because that's the reality of the situation. If you want to make this work, you have to be completely honest with yourself. Don't tell yourself little comforting lies and try to make this something it's not. Face it for what it is, and you'll have a better chance of truly working through it.

As I said, I've not been cheated on, but my dad cheated on my mom and I know how much damage it does. She took him back only to be betrayed again, and it was so hard to watch. As I suggested in my initial response, she would have been better off leaving him right away, because she could never get that trust back and constantly feared he was lying to her -- which he was.

Best of luck to you. I hope for your sake you're one of the couples that makes it.

[Malaga]

You made your decision and that's cool, because ultimately you're the one who has to live with it, so none of us can call you right or wrong.
I just wish you took a little more time, I think it would be better for both of you if you had more time on your own to come to terms with your emotions.

We're back at square one, like we had never met before.

A random guy you've never met before didn't hurt you, this man already has. Please be careful before you wipe the slate clean like that.

Good luck! xx

[Bobbiejeanne]

I guess I should have clarified.... man! I am SO bad at leaving out details.....

There is no way in hell I will ever forget what happened, no doubt about it, nor do I anyway condone it. What I meant bay "back at square one" is that we have to work our way back to full trust. He isn't a random guy, I know that... and I realized how silly I sounded there

[Minerva]

*hugs*

This is a really hard and painful thing you're going through, it's ok if you're fumbling up your words.

As an outsider looking in, I'm concerned you're rushing to get past this because you love him and don't want to lose him -- which is completely understandable. I worry that you're diminishing what he's done so it's easier for you to get through this, and if so, that's a mistake.

I don't think you can get through this and to the other side without facing the ugly. What he's done is really horrible; disrespectful and hurtful to the extreme. It's going to take very hard work on both your parts to keep this relationship together, and your work involves fully processing what he's done to you. Because if you don't do that, you can't get over it, and you'll never be able to truly rebuild the trust.

Don't rush your process. Don't diminish what he's done.

Again, I wish you luck because it won't be easy.

[rusty15]

wow i am so sorry ! that is terrible

it's much harder for guys to control their sexual needs with their s/o is away, i know it sounds dumb but guys will be guys and they are assholes

def. don't talk to him for awhile and think it through

[CynicalQuixotic]

wow i am so sorry ! that is terrible

it's much harder for guys to control their sexual needs with their s/o is away, i know it sounds dumb but guys will be guys and they are assholes

def. don't talk to him for awhile and think it through

Gah, again!

Guys will not "be guys," men have just as much control over their genitals as females and we shouldn't hold them to lower standards because of some archaic pre-conceived notion about their gender. It's sexist and offensive.

[floridaellen]

Gah, again!

Guys will not "be guys," men have just as much control over their genitals as females and we shouldn't hold them to lower standards because of some archaic, offensive pre-conceived notion about their gender. It's sexist and offensive.

I agree completely. I have a high sex drive and I control myself. They need to as well.

[NaNi]

I agree completely. I have a high sex drive and I control myself. They need to as well.

I agree as well. That's such a dumb excuse. I love having sex and I miss doing it like crazy, but I would never ever cheat. Wth???

[kteire]

Gah, again!

Guys will not "be guys," men have just as much control over their genitals as females and we shouldn't hold them to lower standards because of some archaic pre-conceived notion about their gender. It's sexist and offensive.

Agreed. I'd like to point out also that the notion of men being incapable of controlling their urges is a pretty recent thing (recent compared to the span of human history, that is!). A couple centuries ago, women were seen as the adulterous type who couldn't keep their panties on. Both are complete rubbish. Anyone can control their urges and not sleep around, it's whether or not they choose to that's the difference. I also have a very high sex drive, and I could never cheat on my SO. I love sex, but above that I love my SO and the trust that we have.

OP, I respect your decision to stay with your SO, and I really hope that from now on, he gives you the respect you deserve.

[heylittlekrissy]

As long as you're at peace with your decision and you have a good grasp on how to move forward from here (which you do seem to), then I'm behind you. We haven't personally spoken on here, but I wish you the best on your choice, and hope for the best for you. *hugs*
Cheating can easily create a big mess, and at the very least, a good amount of confusion and upset in a relationship, so we're here for you if you need to talk <3