Trust - Do you trust people easily? What is trust?

[Laura_N]

Lately I have done quite a lot of thinking about trust.

My SO has trust issues from her previous relationship. Her ex was a real mess, who started harrassing and black mailing her a few months after they broke up. It lead to my SO changing her phone number and job. So while I understand why she is having hard time trusting people, I still take it a little bit personally when she won't trust me, and it does hurt when she occasionally asks me if I have found someone else or if I'm going to leave her. She only asks those questions if I express the slightes bit of insecurity about how things will work out, or tell her I would like more time from her, or things like that. She's also shown some jealosy towards one of my friends.

I wanted to create some conversation. Do you find it hard or easy to trust people? And how are you handling your or your SO's trust problems?

I suppose one of the reasons I don't understand her 100% is because for me, trust comes easily. Call me naive but basically, I trust my friends and family unless they give me a reason not to. When building new relationships I start trusting very quickly. Sometimes I'm scared I don't always reassure my girlfriend as well as I should, and I'm kind of worrying I may not be helping her at all. I expressed some of my thoughts to her and she said that I've done good job reassuring her, but that "trust just won't come". It makes me wonder how long will it take until she trusts me..? We've known for over a year and feelings occured around January. It might be a short time, but... I'm worried she won't ever trust me.

What are your experiences?

[lysie]

Hey well me and my partner have been at this for 3 years. and i very much trusted him until the last chapter. and he continues to say "u need to trust me" but because of past experiences i donnot have a very hard wit for trust and with a long distance relationship it can be very hard to trust in someone with the jealousy of knowing there are many others out there closer to them and easier to be with. it comes from trusting someone very much and then them breaking your heart.... u begin to wonder if people just use the trust line to get away with anything they want to? ya know. anyways i dont believe trust can just be given.... it needs to be earnt. and alot of people expect trust to just be there without realising that if u are not helping the trust grow then how can it be there? id say atm i would love to trust.... but somtimes it is hard when u dont have that physical contact and things feel like they change and the person u love will not open up to u because they are miles away n its hard for them. phewww lol as i can see im in a venty mood....

[Swederica]

I do have some recent experiences in the field.
To the point: As soon as I'm sure I'm not getting deceived right at the start, I have a rather easy time trusting people. However, break that trust once and it's nigh on impossible to mend fully.
That happened with my now ex-girlfriend. She broke my trust right as I moved here and I was afflicted with jealousy because of that. I fought hard to start trusting her again but never fully got back to where I was. When I did come closer then I ever was she betrayed my trust once more upon which I broke up with her.

Harshly speaking:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, get out of my life.

[lysie]

completely true. when someone does somthing that breaks the trust no matter how small it takes alot to continue along the lines.

[Malaga]

Trust is built by responsible behaviour. I go into each relationship with the faith that the other person has best intentions, if that's what you mean. If they act in a reliable way then yeah I do trust them. If they're flakey then not so much.

[Kerry]

trust takes a long time to be earned with me, especially when it comes to really opening up to someone. I've been burned too many times before to not be wary anymore. I can say that I trust my bf and have opened up about things with him.

[Rugger]

I give my trust very very easily to people. I trust people until LONG after they've given me a reason not to. It's why I get so hurt when my relationships deteriorate. After I broke up with my ex, my mother said something I will never forget " I wonder if I raised you and your brother wrong" I asked her why. She said " "Most people put up at least some walls when it comes to trust. You and Steven [brother] don't. You give people your heart completely and don't look back. It's why you two get hurt so easily" She was right. My mother never taught me to put up walls with people. I was taught to trust people until they give you a reason not to.

[LatinButterfly]

With the time I have learned that -"Trust takes years to build, seconds to break"-
I used to trust people quite easy but not so much anymore; after being let down not just by ex's, but also friends, even relatives! and believe me, that is sad.
I feel bad at times because my SO hasn't really given me reasons to not trust him but the experiences from the past make it hard.. so hard, there was a point in our relationship in which I turned into someone I am not: extremely insecure, jealous, with the fear of being cheated every time my SO would go out with friends,etc.. It was horrible and the distance doesn't help that much either.
What helped me out was the fact I totally open up to him regarding this issue and we started working together (which is key) on it. Baby steps and so on... It's been almost a year since this was happening and things have improved a lot... So, my advice to you is to be patient and don't put any pressure on it. In the meantime make sure you show her she can trust you... not just by saying it but also turning your words into actions. The trust will eventually come!

[Xanahtas]

For me, i find it hard to trust people - purely because ive been let down by so many guys, friends, family, and i saw that the easier you trust, the easier your hurt. It was weird tho, because when i met me SO, i trusted him from the start, something just felt so... safe? about him. I cant think of the word >.< but i put so much trust in him from the start. And i can honestly say i can only completely trust one person in the whole world... My SO. But even when we sorta, first got feelings for eachother, i did put up a lot of walls because i was scared of getting hurt again but somehow i just gave in so easily >.< When it comes to friends, i dont trust them until i feel they deserve my trust. Dont know if that made any sense XD

[Dziubka]

Generally I have a very easy rule for this.
If someone trusts me, I trust them.
Basically I believe and my (albeit limited) experience has generally proven, that if someone trusts you, you can trust them, too.

I'm highly suspisicous of people who without any apparent reason don't trust me. I take it very personally, too. If someone feels that they can't trust me, they obviously have a very bad opinion about me. There seems to be no sense in being a couple (or even close friends), when the other person thinks so low of me.

I understand what some of you said about bad experiences in the past and there might be circumstances in which I could accept it, but only temporarily and with a good explanation.

[Semperfikindoflove]

The only answer I can really give you is it depends on the person.

Example 1: My ex boyfriend I met in a car crash. I trusted him originally but I saw the way he behaved around his friends and I started to lose that trust. The way he always let them walk all over me and when things started getting verbally out of control I started to question him and not trust him. My best friend and my friends were starting to have trouble trusting me to be around him because they felt that he would hurt me. That trust was lost so when he went to boot camp and came back an angrier person, that's what I realized that I had lost all trust because of his friends and because of his behavior.

Example 2: I instantly trusted my ex fiance when I met him through my best friend, I had gotten out of a foul relationship and realized that he was sweet and caring. Then he cheated on me, which I NEVER thought would happen. It came out of the blue.

Example 3: My best friend. it took me a while to trust him but he has been the most amazing person in my life. We've each hurt each other a few times and we still trust each other with our lives. He and I are currently pursuing a relationship together and it looks like it's easy with deployment because we trust and love each other.

The one thing I want you to take away from all that is that there will always be a different level of trust with different individuals. The one thing I recommend to everyone is that you go into a new relationship as if you were never hurt. That person did not hurt you so you should give them the benefit of the doubt until they do something to break your trust. I know that's not always easy. I'd say just keep doing what you're doing. That's about all you can do. Keep your head up bud, you're doing great!

[fueledbyaislinn]

With the time I have learned that -"Trust takes years to build, seconds to break"-
I used to trust people quite easy but not so much anymore; after being let down not just by ex's, but also friends, even relatives! and believe me, that is sad.
I feel bad at times because my SO hasn't really given me reasons to not trust him but the experiences from the past make it hard.. so hard, there was a point in our relationship in which I turned into someone I am not: extremely insecure, jealous, with the fear of being cheated every time my SO would go out with friends,etc.. It was horrible and the distance doesn't help that much either.
What helped me out was the fact I totally open up to him regarding this issue and we started working together (which is key) on it. Baby steps and so on... It's been almost a year since this was happening and things have improved a lot... So, my advice to you is to be patient and don't put any pressure on it. In the meantime make sure you show her she can trust you... not just by saying it but also turning your words into actions. The trust will eventually come!

Can I ask what kind of things you worked on to build your trust? I have the same kind of problems you have and no matter how hard I try I can't trust my SO. I know he deserves my trust but I just fond it almost impossible..

[Miramaid]

I have trust issues and to be honest I think they are justified and I do not think I will ever get rid of them completely. Nor do I think I should. If someone proves trustworthy then i will trust them, but not before that.
I used to be the opposite - trust until proven that u can't and i have leaned that it was very naive of me and got me nowhere but in painful betrayals

[Laura_N]

Can I ask what kind of things you worked on to build your trust? I have the same kind of problems you have and no matter how hard I try I can't trust my SO. I know he deserves my trust but I just fond it almost impossible..

I'm also interested in this... Because I'd love any way to help my SO.

And thanks for everyone for their replies, it's been good to read them.

[WakeUpSusie]

"Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely."


I pretty much live by this statement. I believe that in order to have a completely emotionally fulfilling relationship with anyone (SO, friend, family member etc.), you need to let your guard down and love without regret. Of course, there is always a possibility that you might get hurt or betrayed by someone you do this with, but that chance is worth it to have a special connection with someone special in your life who won't do that to you.

People put up walls to keep from getting hurt. What they don't realize is they're also putting up walls against experiencing some of the most beautiful things that human relationships have to offer. The possibility of getting hurt is never worth missing out on that.