"But You're Not Engaged ..."

[Sierra]

My family has been learning about my plans to move to Texas to be with my boyfriend. They all know I'm in a long distance relationship and seem honestly shocked that we're moving in together before we're engaged. This blows my mind. Now I will say I know there are several people on this forum who don't believe in living together before marriage, but I'm not one of them. How can they be shocked that we're not engaged but wanting to live together? When have we gotten the time to really get to know each other and as such how can I make an HONEST commitment to being with my boyfriend for the rest of my life without this knowledge?

I can't stand this old fashioned mindset. We're long past the 1950's, get over it. Even my mom said, but you're not engaged, you need a rock first. No I don't. I need to know that I'm making the right decision before I take that rock. An engagement ring doesn't mean your relationship is a sure thing.

What's really bothering me though is that my last relationship was met with so much opposition from my family (and rightfully so) that it makes it really hard for me when they disapprove now. I just need a little approval that I'm doing the right thing and it's frustrating when they come up with another thing that's an issue to THEM but not to me.

[mllebamako]

So let them be shocked! Look, there is not much you can do to change there minds in this situation. It may shock them, or make them uncomfortable or whatever, but you just kind of have to accept that not everyone is going to approve of your decisions. That's just part of life.

If I were you, I would have a talk with them and say, I love you and I respect your opinion but I also know that this is the right thing for me and that I may have a different view than you on living together before marriage. I accept that you wouldn't have chose this for me and I don't need you to approve, I just want to know that I have your support and that you'll still be there for me.

Hopefully, they can give you their support and love even if they don't agree with what you're doing.

[NaNi]

Thankfully, I don't know anyone like that. It would drive me nuts, though. Just because you're engaged/married doesn't mean that the relationship will last forever. It could be over as quick as any other one.

[rsvpnj]

My family is the same way. However, my BF & I have been together for over 9 years so I want to be engaged before I move with my daughters as well. I know its not a guarantee but it is a promise of serious commitment. And we have also recently lived together temporarily. That being said, I do respect those that do not feel the same way.

[LeilaniJoi]

Ok granted that Im older and my parents and family really didn't have the right to offer an opposition, I moved to Texas to be with my SO and we were (are!) both still married but quite firmly separated!

It's a long story, please don't judge lol

In any case, even though they really couldn't argue my decision, my family and friends were supportive 100%. I can see their concern, but agree. An engagement ring is not a sure sign things will work out. For that matter a wedding isn't a sure sign things will work out. End of the day you have to do what is right for you and your SO.

And btw.. Welcome to Texas

[Sharon Q]

Thats just it. Its an issue for THEM. Not you, and so long as its not an issue to you than you should do as you wish. this is YOUR relationship not theirs.

Let them be shocked they'll have to adjust and they will eventually get used to it. Until then just follow your heart.

[heylittlekrissy]

Even if you're living with.being supported by your family now, I think in the end, you're going to eventually have to grow up and live your life the way you want to. Obviously, your parents disagree with this here, and I'm sure have at some point before, or will in the future, if not on such a grand scale. The best thing you can do is keep talking to them about it from your point of view and see if you can get them to understand where you're coming from. They may never completely approve of what you're doing, but you may be able to atleast get them to understand your side, and be more accepting of what you're doing. But in either case, if they are completely opposed to what you're doing, you may need to wait a bit longer before actually following through with your plans, so as not to lose that connection with your family in the event things do not work out after you move in with your SO. I do wish you the best though, and hope you'll be able to get them to see your side of things.

[Semperfikindoflove]

I agree with your choice completely. I would want to live with the person before I married them, it's about knowing how you would do living together before you get married. Why would you want to make that commitment not knowing how you two would coexist in the same living space? A lot of parents are like that, I'm lucky I don't have to deal with that. But this is YOUR life, they did things their way, it's your turn to do it how you want to! I know their disapproval is hard, but you have to take it like you would any friends disapproval. There are going to be things you do in life that people disagree with. They just need to accept that it is your choice. They will get over it eventually. A ring on your finger doesn't mean anything to be honest, I know that from experience. Marriage is usually the for sure thing whereas a ring doesn't prove it's forever. Keep your head up and you have all the support you need right here! Good luck with your move!

[Sierra]

Thankfully, I don't know anyone like that. It would drive me nuts, though. Just because you're engaged/married doesn't mean that the relationship will last forever. It could be over as quick as any other one.

EXACTLY. There are no guarantees whatsoever in life, I feel like they just have to get over it.

My family is the same way. However, my BF & I have been together for over 9 years so I want to be engaged before I move with my daughters as well. I know its not a guarantee but it is a promise of serious commitment. And we have also recently lived together temporarily. That being said, I do respect those that do not feel the same way.

I understand where you're coming from as there are children involved, however, my boyfriend HAS made a serious commitment to me and I've made one to him by agreeing to move there. I don't need a ring on my finger to prove to the world that we talk about getting married nor am I ready to commit to marrying him yet. I can't agree to marry someone I haven't lived with, it's as simple as that.

We made a commitment to each other when we agreed to engage in our long distance relationship. We had a direct conversation where we agreed that unless we saw a serious future together we wouldn't waste each others time. We talk about the future we are working towards building together, and I know that we will get engaged and married, just not yet.

I mean how am I supposed to commit to marrying someone I get to see for a few days every other month? That's insane.

Ok granted that Im older and my parents and family really didn't have the right to offer an opposition, I moved to Texas to be with my SO and we were (are!) both still married but quite firmly separated!

It's a long story, please don't judge lol

In any case, even though they really couldn't argue my decision, my family and friends were supportive 100%. I can see their concern, but agree. An engagement ring is not a sure sign things will work out. For that matter a wedding isn't a sure sign things will work out. End of the day you have to do what is right for you and your SO.

And btw.. Welcome to Texas

Thanks! I'm not there yet but I will be by the end of the summer.

It's just hard for me, I REALLY struggled with nonsupport in my last relationship and my family even hired a private investigator to get involved. I just needed my own time to come to my conclusions. However, since then I've felt that no man is good enough for me to them, and I really struggle with their approval. I hate to feel like I'm disappointing people and while I know that this is what is right in my life, I just wish I could get a little pat on the back and a "good job for making decisions and living your own life".

I agree with your choice completely. I would want to live with the person before I married them, it's about knowing how you would do living together before you get married. Why would you want to make that commitment not knowing how you two would coexist in the same living space? A lot of parents are like that, I'm lucky I don't have to deal with that. But this is YOUR life, they did things their way, it's your turn to do it how you want to! I know their disapproval is hard, but you have to take it like you would any friends disapproval. There are going to be things you do in life that people disagree with. They just need to accept that it is your choice. They will get over it eventually. A ring on your finger doesn't mean anything to be honest, I know that from experience. Marriage is usually the for sure thing whereas a ring doesn't prove it's forever. Keep your head up and you have all the support you need right here! Good luck with your move!

This is exactly my point. You know, I'm an adult and I get to make adult decisions and this is one of them.


Thank you everyone for the support that I get here, without it who knows where I'd be.

[lucybelle]

I have to say when I moved in with my SO I was a little worried because we had never had that "our future" talk before. It seemed to me that most couples on here that had closed the distance were either engaged, or had at least talked about the possibility. I did want some sort of commitment from my SO, I mean I left a whole lot behind to come down here. But I didn't need an engagement or anything. Just a "I'm in this for a long haul" type of deal.

And my friends and family were (are) extremely supportive, thankfully. Maybe if you can convince them that you two have a serious relationship, they'll back off a little. But in the end, you're going to do what's best for you.

[LilyChiba]

Yeah I myself don't get the whole get married before you move in with each other thing. Although I personally won't have a choice in the matter, I would have prefered to live with him for a time before jumping in for the long haul. You just get to see what you are in for in the long run, as opposed to getting married, moving in and not liking where you are. If you're in the same country and don't have to worry about visas and the sort, I'd say go for it. Live with him and find out how compatible you two really are. Absolutely nothing wrong with it and if things don't work, you can always go back home. Simple. I don't think family sees that though.

[Moon]

Oftentimes the people we love have a different opinion of what's good for us than we do They also have trouble seeing the children in their life as responsible adults. That's OK, they're only trying to protect and guide you as best they know how. That doesn't make them right though, and you have to do what's right for you, and if you make a mistake, you learn from it and move on, that's life. I would let them know firmly, calmly and logically why you're moving and that your mind is made up. Let them know you appreciate their concern, but this is something you need to do. There's nothing wrong with living together anymore, but sometimes older people still see it as a bit taboo, especially when they don't really get LDR's and the special difficulties they have. Do what you need to, and good luck!

[SDPersona]

I agree with moving in and testing the waters before getting married if that is your choice. I'd like to move in with my boyfriend sometime, even before marriage, but I don't think we'd get to do that (for long) because of immigration laws and what not. As for your family's reaction: I definitely agree with what everyone else said about you having to decide what is best for you and that unfortunately means not everyone's going to being happy with it or even agreeing/supporting your decision. You can't lead life by making everyone happy. It sucks, I know. Believe me, I feel the same way like you do. Sometimes I want to bang my fist on the table and scream in their ears "Damn you, I just want acknowledgment and respect for the way I live my life!" But, oh well, I can't depend on their reassurance all my life. I'm going to get their opinions and listen to their tale of experiences because they're important people to me, but ultimately I have to do what I think is best for me.

I also see another perspective to this. I don't know your family, but if it were my family who were being old-fashioned in that regard (they're usually very progressive) I'd rage and rant same as you and be depressed at first but once I'd calm down I try to put myself in their shoes. This is usually what I do when confronted with disapproval. Maybe they're just afraid and want to know you're cared for. You're going to move far away from them where they can't keep an eye on you. Maybe that's where they're coming from with the old 1950s mindset. IDK. It's what my family would do. IDK if your family would do the same...

[Sunnyside193]

I agree with what Sharon said; as long as it isnt an issue for you do what you feel is right. I don't really get the no living together before marriage either. But each to their own

[Engel]

I would never consider getting engaged, even less married, before living together. but my mother, even though she lived with my father before getting married didnt want people to 'talk'. like they would be gossiping about me moving to germany to live with this german guy, and blah blah blah. i could care less, but yeah... some people have a tongue bigger than their mouths and she wanted to prottect me from that