Is it really sustainable?

[James76]

Hi guys. This is my first post here and i joined so i can hopefully get some advice and direction from other people with better expeirience in this area.

I met a girl 5 months ago on a dating site and we instantly got along very well. We spend all the time talking on skype, up to 15 hours a day some days and its every day and even if were out we call each other all the time. She lives in Ukraine and 2 weeks ago i went to spend a week with her and to say it was good is an understatement. It was very natural and there were never times where we felt uncomfortable or bored or like were not having fun. In fact it was so good i am going for another week in 2 weeks time.

The thing that worries me is that its too good, its obvious we are developing strong feelings for each other but i am not a rich man, i can not afford to keep going there every month. She would come here to spend time but the visa issue is a problem. I really like the girl alot and already its painful thinking that we have to spend so much time appart so early in the development of our relationship. Is it healthy to start this way? What happens in the future when we feel even more? does the distance and pain it causes really be overcome? I know it would not be forever. I told her we would see each other every couple of months for a week minimum at least for a while to see if we still feel the same in 6 or 8 months and then we can start to think about a more permanent solution to the problem but between now and then i see it might be trouble and sometimes feel it would be less painful in the long run if i backed out what is not what i want to do.

Just so confused by it all but so happy i found someone who i really get on with well.

[Kelly.92]

Hi, and welcome to LFAD

The initial answer to your question is YESSSS! Long distance relationships are sustainable, what ever your situation. Although your relationship has just started out, you are very lucky to have met up with each other already, some folks on here have not yet met their SO (who I really take my hat off to, because I don't think I could do it!) Congrats on meeting someone you feel such a strong a connection with, my advice is stick at it. Make dates as and when you can meet up again and stick to them as much as possible. If I am totally honest, it doesn't necessarily get easier the longer you are away from each other, you have to stick at it everyday, making an effort to the other for him/her to feel special and thought about. When you come back home after being with them for a few days, all the pain and upset comes flooding back... But you learn to lift your head high, and count down the days until next time.... I literally got back home about an hour ago from seeing my SO, and yes I feel very down, but I know there is no point moping around because it makes my SO upset to see me upset... It sucks big time, but however substantial your relationship is, it's always going to be hard.... As long as you both keep in contact as much as possible, letting the other into your day to day activities, speaking on the phone, continuing with your Skype sessions, and most importantly staying positive about your circumstances, then you will find it much easier to cope. Don't get me wrong there will be your bad days when your feeling really down, but remember that's what we are here for on LFAD!!!!! Keep positive and realistic with each other and you will get through this!!

Good luck

[Minerva]

Yes it is sustainable if you're both the type to be able to deal with the distance. Not everyone can -- it isn't easy. And some people can do it for a little while, but they have their limits. Others can do it indefinitely.

You have a good plan in place and the ability to see each other fairly frequently, so I think you can do this. Read up on this site about how to connect with each other over the distance and how to cope. The are also many people here to give you support and advice when you need it.

Just try to get to know one another and see where it goes. Don't worry about the possibility that it might fail. There are no guarantees in life. It might work, it might not, but why quit when it seems like it's really good? There's no reason to throw something away just because it might not work out in the long run. You might end up throwing out something that would last a lifetime.

Best of luck.

[James76]

Thats really comforting words from you both, makes me smile thank you.

[Moon]

Sure, they're sustainable, but it's not always easy, and there is a lot to consider. My boyfriend and I are international (US/Finland), and we see each other a few times a year, and because of our careers, the amount of time we can take off is limited, so we get what we can The lack of physicality may be difficult at times, but when you're LDR, the amount of communication you share is so much more than in any close distance relationship since it's all you have, that's the advantage!

There are plenty of people who just aren't cut out for this type of relationship though, so you have to decide if the limitations are worth it for you to continue, and if you've never been in an LDR, you just might not know how you fare until you're well into it. Don't be concerned about starting a relationship from far away, it's not much different really, except you can't touch each other. All the same "getting to know you" stuff is still there, finding out if your value systems are compatible, reactions to stressful situations, etc. It can be painful, yes, there's no getting around that part, but it's up to you to decide she's worth the aggravation and if you're the type who can handle distance for a prolonged period of time. It can take a lot out of you to keep the relationship a priority when time zones and absence are involved, you have to really want it and be willing to put in the work.

Honestly, I love my international LDR It may not be an ideal situation, but after 2.5 years, I appreciate it for what it is. I found someone who is worth the distance and I make the best of it and so does he, there's sacrifice involved, sure, but there's also deep intimacy, fulfillment and contentment. Also, there's a lot to be said for all the travel you'll get to do! You get to see and experience things you never would have otherwise, you can immerse yourself in another culture and learn how other parts of the world really live, unlike just being a tourist. I think what it comes down to, if you're willing to give it a go, is turning the negatives into positives. Not all of them can be switched like that of course, but most can.

If you decide to continue the relationship, stick around here at LFAD. It's a friendly and supportive place and you'll learn how we make our LDR's work, and get tons of tips for making it easier on yourself and your girl. Welcome!

[Semperfikindoflove]

It's completely possible for you two to make it, you just have to be patient and give it time to work out. I know that seems hard but it's not a permanent situation. You just have to keep that in mind as you two try to work on a relationship. All good things come with time. Start saving up, if she's worth it, then you have to believe that it's completely possible. Anything in life that's worth something, is worth working for. Keep your head up bud! I'm sure you two can make it, a lot of people are in LDRs for years before they actually get to be together. Good luck!

[rhomy]

Hey! First of all Welcome!
And to asnwer your main question: Yes! It's totally sustainable.
It won't be easy. Actually, you are so lucky! You've met her 5 months ago and already seen her in person.
I've been with my SO for a similar time but I won't be able to meet him till July 2012 (if we are lucky!)

It will take some effort from both of you, but if you think she is the right person, fight for her!

[alw83]

Can it be done? Yes, it can be. Is it easy? No it's not. Is it worth it? Most definatly yes!! It seems that you two have a great connection and one that is worth the dedication. I personally think you should go for it. You obviously understand that it will be hard, but just because it's hard doesn't mean it can't be good. One of my favoirte quotes which I often find to be true is

"Of course it's hard. If it wasn't hard everybody would doit. The hard is what makes it great."

It's true ussually the things we have to work for are worth it, otherwise we wouldn't work for it. So I guess what you have to ask yourself is, is this worth it? It seems from what you said that you think it is worth it. Go for it!

[Engel]

didnt read the other comments.

where is "here"? where do you live? long distance relatinships CAN WORK! so yes, its substainable.


and some couples here only see each other once a year, so there you go, it can work, even without seeing your so all the time.

[James76]

Here is the UK, she lives in the Ukraine. I have read many of the dtories on this forum and i feel bad thinking that we have a bad circumstance. I know the distance is not great and it will not be for anywhere near the average time i have read here. And its only 6 hours away so i should not complain. Does not stop me missing her so much when i am at home though