Putting up with SOs habits?

[laura95]

It's been really getting me down lately, that I never hear from my boyfriend unless I start talking to him first. So I stopped talking to him for a few days, to see if he'd talk to me. It's been 3 days now & nothing. All I ask for is a nice text or 2 during the day, let me know if he's done anything significant, anything he's seen or thought. Little things like that. I understand he might be too busy to phone. Just a little bit of contact every day would make me happy. But instead it feels like he disappears off the face of the earth between visits (every 2 weeks).

He's always been like this, it just wasn't a problem when we were close distance because I'd see him nearly every day. It's built up over the past 5 months we've been long distance & I've ignored it, but I can't any longer. I wanted to talk to him about it. Yet when I've talked to my friend (who was also best friends with my SO before he moved away, so he knows him as well as I do) we both agreed that he wouldn't change even if I talked to him about it, cause that's just the way he is. Even if he did try to text me more, I'd know that he was doing something he wouldn't have done unless I'd have told him, so it wouldn't have felt the same.

As a result, I've decided to just recognise it as one of him less likable habits. Try to get over it, realise that he doesn't mean it & just stick to me starting the conversations & sending him little texts throughout the day.

So I was just wondering, if anyone else has to cope with any of their SOs habits that you'd like to change, but just have to put up with cause you know you can't do anything about it? Or if anyone is or has been in a similar situation with their communication?

[loveknowsnodistance27]

Your SO sounds IDENTICAL to my SO, to a T in regards to that. Anthony does the same exact thing, and I've tried that too. I tried to leave him be for the week to try and make him chase me, and because he's overwhelmed right now up at school, and I haven't heard from him. It's as if I don't exist to him unless I text first lol. My SO tends to get caught up in things, so he can tune out everything else around him, including me apparently lol. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm learning to accept it for what it is. He used to be great at communicating and then when we resumed LD, he started doing a not so good job of it. Maybe he's just settling into a routine and feels comfortable in the relationship now. That's how I try to think of it. I have talked to him about it a few times, so he is aware of it.

[mllebamako]

So I was just wondering, if anyone else has to cope with any of their SOs habits that you'd like to change, but just have to put up with cause you know you can't do anything about it?

Yes. This is something I've been struggling with for awhile. There are several things that I wish I could change about him, but I know that it is part of who he is and it's probably not going to change. That being said, I have to decide if these are things that I can accept forever. So for now, I'm sticking it out, working through it the best I can and waiting to see where my heart is and if these are things I can accept or not.

You said you haven't talked to him about this yet. But I really think that you should. Maybe he won't change. But maybe he will try to make a bit more of an effort in the communication department once he knows that it's something that you want. If he can't change, then like you said, you have to accept that that's part of who he is and then see if it's something you can live with.

[Madge]

Hmm I know what you mean in regards to receiving little texts through out the day. My SO forgets sometimes and we end up playing a game of chicken (although I am not sure if he aware we are playing this game ) and I end up not trying to contact him which works because a day later he will reply.

Anyway, maybe your SO feels that because he gets to see you every two weeks he doesn't need to send messages or something? In saying this though you should talk to him about it because I used to bottle it up and get upset when he wouldn't contact me which lead to a argument in which he wasn't even aware of what I needed. So yes, talk to him!

[Minerva]

I think the trick in a relationship is to find someone who's bad habits and annoying mannerisms compliment your own. =)

My SO isn't perfect, but his issues and habits genuinely don't bother me. They've certainly bothered other partners. But I mostly shrug them off. He's forgetful, he's easily frustrated when things don't go as he expects them to, he's a bit dramatic and a bit childlike, he doesn't have much of a filter and can say inappropriate things or just be too honest for some people, he can be obsessed with playing video games, and he sometimes needs direct instructions on what to do in the relationship as he doesn't take hints well. Sometimes these issues can cause us a bit of friction, but overall, it's just who he is and I accept him. But as I said, it's easy because these aren't things that really bother me. If they did, we'd be in trouble!

As far your issue with lack of communication goes, you need to talk to your SO and tell him you want more. It's tempting to play passive-aggressive games as you've done (and I think we've all done it), but you're not getting your message to him; he probably won't see a lack of texts as the lesson you intend, and instead might not notice (since you're matching your behaviour to his and he obviously doesn't see it as a problem), OR he could get the message that you are losing interest in the relationship. Which is of course the WRONG message. When you are passive-aggressive as opposed to being direct, that's the risk you take.

Be direct. Tell him what you need. And meet him halfway. He might not ever be the 100 texts a day kind of guy, so don't expect him to suddenly turn into a novelist. But if he loves you, he'll put in the effort to communicate with you more.

[lucybelle]

Be direct. Tell him what you need. And meet him halfway. He might not ever be the 100 texts a day kind of guy, so don't expect him to suddenly turn into a novelist. But if he loves you, he'll put in the effort to communicate with you more.

Agree with Minerva 100%. I told my SO I wanted more communication and he immediately tried to do that for me. Some days he still slipped, but he at least put in an effort for me. Texting little not an ingrained characteristic that can't be changed.

[MadMolly]

I was the one in your SO's position - I never initiated talk because, well, he was all very keen to do it and I just let him do it. Then he did the EXACT thing you are and stopped initiating and it took a day or so and I was thinking he was not interested anymore and I had a big panic! When we talked about it, all was resolved :P

[Zephii]

If you want something in a relationship you really do have to ask for it. I don't why it matters if he only does it because you want him to. My SO only does the dishes because I ask him too, and mate I don't let that hold me back. The outcome is what's important LOL.

Obi has quite a few bad habits, but most of them i have too so i can't say anything! But most of the time if i tell him I have a problem with one of his habits he will try to stop it. The only thing I have to put up with is his terrible memory LOL.

[Silvaria]

My situation is somewhat similar. He doesn't write as often as I'd like, but, I can't contact him first because A) he can't afford a cell right now, and B) I don't have the phone number of the house where he lives, because the family he lives with is very private about giving out their home number...which is fine, I sure as heck can't afford to call Canada just to say, "Get on AIM and talk to me, damnit!"

But, yeah...I get frustrated when a couple of days go by and I don't hear from him. I understand that he works a VERY physical job in a warehouse, and that sometimes when he gets home he literally falls into bed...but -I- would make time to at least say hello before passing out, you know?

However, I still love him to pieces, and I guess the positive way of looking at it is that when I DO hear from him, it's all the more special.

He's forgetful, he's easily frustrated when things don't go as he expects them to, he's a bit dramatic and a bit childlike, he doesn't have much of a filter and can say inappropriate things or just be too honest for some people, he can be obsessed with playing video games, and he sometimes needs direct instructions on what to do in the relationship as he doesn't take hints well.

Damn, he sounds just like my SO...he doesn't live in Toronto also, does he?

[laura95]

It's tempting to play passive-aggressive games as you've done (and I think we've all done it), but you're not getting your message to him; he probably won't see a lack of texts as the lesson you intend, and instead might not notice (since you're matching your behaviour to his and he obviously doesn't see it as a problem), OR he could get the message that you are losing interest in the relationship. Which is of course the WRONG message. When you are passive-aggressive as opposed to being direct, that's the risk you take.

I decided to do that just to see if I wasn't imagining the fact that he never gets in touch with me first, or at all...it proved me right. But of course I'm not doing that again, caues if I didn't I'd never hear from him!!

I don't why it matters if he only does it because you want him to.

Just because I don't want him to feel like he HAS to get in touch with me when he doesn't want to. If it becomes somewhat of a chore to have to text me everyday when he otherwise wouldn't, I don't want him thinking "oh hell, gotta text the girlfriend, otherwise she'll get mad!" He should be happy to get in touch with me, if he's anything but happy then I'd rather he just text me when he actually does feel happy to.

He's forgetful, he's easily frustrated when things don't go as he expects them to, he's a bit dramatic and a bit childlike, he doesn't have much of a filter and can say inappropriate things or just be too honest for some people, he can be obsessed with playing video games, and he sometimes needs direct instructions on what to do in the relationship as he doesn't take hints well.

I think we may be dating the same people!!!

[Malaga]

I'm glad we both grew up using Macs as now we have zero inclination towards video games, since Macs were always rubbish for those.

He likes to complain, he's often grumpy, he sulks when things don't go his way, but is rarely assertive enough to do something about it. And no, he doesn't take hints either, he needs to be told what really seems so obvious.
My pet peeve is when he talks about politics, he really has no idea what he's talking about but he's so opinionated.

He's also gentle, loyal, sentimental, remembers the important things. Never went a day without talking to me, even when he was travelling. I could hardly get a better guy really.

[Bethypoo]

I am lucky, my SO will txt me at least once in the day. If I don't text him "good Morning" (i am up earlier than he is) then he will text me. I mean, IDK i would go crazy if I didn't hear from my SO while we were apart and he knowingly was not talking to me. It would bug me. But if it a habit you can accept than all the more power to you. I think you should still at least mention that it bugs you even though you wont think it will change things.

As for habits my SO has, there are a few that drive me nuts. The good thing is that he has habits that i can live with and in regards to the ones that drive me nuts they are things that he has been working on to change. Like when he takes off his cloths to either change or to go to bed. He just leaves them on the floor...that makes me crazy. But he is getting better at picking them up. On text messages he used to be super vague and he is a bit better now because i told him i needed more from him than basic one word responses.

[Minerva]

Haha, we're all dating the same guy. That'll be news to my SO! =)

In his defense, he's also the kindest, most thoughtful person I've ever known. He goes out of his way to help people. He's hilarious. He is a huge man (6'6") yet so gentle. He loves his neighbor's cats and treats them as his own and is genuinely delighted by their antics. He's the smartest person I've ever met. He has the best laugh -- he throws his head back and laughs fully. He writes stories that move me to tears. And some of the things I listed as "faults" I actually love about him, like his unfiltered honesty and his childlike outlook.

Also, I'm not perfect either, heh. As I said initially, I think we've each found a partner in the other in which our faults aren't seen as too faulty, or are endearing.

[rusty15]

Totally understand!!!
Guys are so fucking annoying. We made a deal so we would stop getting mad about communicating, no matter what we will always call each other before we go to bed to say goodnight/love you and talk about our days, and if we want or have news we will call/text/skype during the day.
I used to get so upset that we didn't talk more but I am used to it and understand it that I am fine talking to him once a day, but I still try to make him mad since I get mad when he doesn't call/text me, so one night when I was out I didn't text/call him back for 3 hours and he was pissed off.

Just talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and make a compromise!!

[Minerva]

Guys are so fucking annoying.

Is that really necessary? There are men here. Imagine if any one of them said, "women are so fucking annoying." How do you think people here would react? Just because there are more women than men here doesn't make sweeping generalizations about the opposite sex OK. Your guy might be annoying, but mine isn't. We talk every day for hours, and he initiates many of our conversations.

Not to mention women can be annoying as well.

So can we stop with the gender bashing?

(I might be taking this a wee bit too seriously, but my hackles get raised when people make such broad judgements based on nothing more than gender or race or whatever.)