Ready To Call it Quits

[Sierra]

I've posted about this before but now I'm at my breaking point. My boyfriend changed jobs from an office job to being a restaurant server a few months ago and I just can't adjust to the schedule. Now that we're talking about moving in it's dawned on me that if he can only give me two nights a week what's life supposed to be like when we move in together?

For the last two nights I've attempted to say up late enough for us to say good night and failed because he's stayed out incredibly late with his friends. I don't want to ask him to spend less time with his friends, I can't ask him to make a change to his work schedule. I'm suck.

I sent him a text this morning saying I was unhappy and I can't keep pretending I am and he texted me back asking if I was breaking up with him. I immediately called him and he was crying and it broke my heart. I don't want to lose the man of my dreams but something has to change.

I told him to think about it while he's at work and I just want him to understand where I'm coming from. He said this is one of the times he feels like I'm pushing him away, but I'm not. My needs aren't being met.

My heart is broken. I don't want this to be the end.

[Bethypoo]

I really think that you need to calm down a minute. I have followed some of your threads and I really just think it is a hard adjustment. Dont make any decisions at this moment. Maybe this will be a point where he realizes how much time he has given up with you to spend with his friends. I know you dont want to talk to him about spending more time with you but you need to. You already said you werent happy and you need to let if flow from there. You NEED to talk to him. He is a guy, if you havent mentioned it to him, he may not have realized until now how upset you were. He may have thought about it, but because really havent bluntly said anything straightforward, he just didnt think it was that big of a deal.

Talk to him. Like I said, you already started the conversation just keep it going. Also, slow the moving talk. Obviously things need to be worked out first. Just take your time.

[Sierra]

I did tell him that I can't consider moving in with him until we work this out. Right now he's at work and I'm working too so hopefully he'll come up with some good ideas. I'm willing to compromise with him but right now it's just me giving everything and him giving nothing.

He said on the phone that he thought I was ok with him going out with his friends last night, but I've told him time and time again I'm never going to tell him not to even when it hurts me, this has to come with him. He has to WANT to talk to me instead of me asking, begging him.

I know I am panicking a bit now but I have HUGE decisions that I have to make right now regarding moving or not. I just want him to show me that he can be there like I need him to be and maybe we do need to have a morexplict conversation. I feel like I've had plenty with him, but maybe I just need to be clear as day.

I hope today made him realize how much this is tearing me apart and he takes that into consideration. I know he wants to spend time with his friends, but he CHOSE a job that made it harder than it was before. That's not my fault, and I shouldn't get the short end of the stick because of it.

I have needs that need to be met to continue this relationship and he has to understand that. If he can't meet my needs ... well then he's not the man for me. That's how it works right?

I do want to specify that this is far from our first conversation about this. He seems to think that taking time off work every two months when we see each other is enough for me time wise, I've told him it's not. Bluntly. I've told him I NEED some of his time and I need it at night. I understand his friends aren't available during the day but maybe he should hang out with his work friends then and me later.

Again, I've bent over backwards and continue to do so to make this relationship work. I'm going to be working 60+ hour weeks to make enough money to move, but to what? Someone who's not there?

I realize that this is a hard adjustment for me obviously, but I do know one thing, there is no relationship if you don't get to spend time with each other, at this pace we'll be lucky if we see each other twice a week once I move. I can't, and won't, move to that.

He's made his choices, I have my needs ... I'm entitled to them too, am I not?

[Engel]

I am so sorry for you! But maybe leaving on good terms is the best if you would want to give it a shot again at a better time?


i hope everything gets better

---------- Post added at 08:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:24 PM ----------

I am so sorry for you! But maybe leaving on good terms is the best if you would want to give it a shot again at a better time?


i hope everything gets better

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

My SO is a bartender, so I understand what you mean about the hours. It's hard, and he often goes out with his co-workers after. I lived with him for 6 months this year, and yeah, it was tough sometimes, especially when he was working nights, but I went out and met people and did my own thing. I respect his choice of job, and I respect that it means he keeps unsociable hours. I also respect that he needs to see his friends.
I appreciate that you're upset, and I don't want to seem harsh, because sometimes I have the same wobbles with my SO, but while I'm not there...he needs his life. If he were to spend as much time as I would like him to, talking to me, it would leave him little time with his friends, because of the unsociable hours.
The fact that your SO was crying about it is a big big sign that he wants to continue the relationship. And I think you'd be a fool to break it off with the guy that you think is "the man of your dreams". I think you should let him know that you'd like more of him, but I think you're not being very understanding of his lifestyle while you're apart. I'm sure there are things you do in your everyday life that you cut down on when he's visiting.

[Mara]

I'm on the opposite side of everyone who has posted so far.

If I were in your situation and I was not happy now and my needs were not being met now, I would not move until this is resolved. But that's just my bottom line. I wouldn't suggest breaking up with the guy if the two of you are compatible on every other level because I do believe this is something that can be worked out, but to me, you don't pick up your whole life and move however many miles for someone when you're not totally happy with that person or the relationship.

May I ask, how often is he hanging out with his friends? Have you ever visited him for an extended period of time? Maybe a few weeks-month?

The reason I'm asking is because maybe he is just hanging out with his friends more because you are not there. I can honestly say I hang out with my friends more now because my SO isn't here with me.

But even if that is the case, I think the fact remains that you need more time than what he is giving you. Have you laid out exactly how much more time you need? I think you need to give him specifics. You need at least this many nights a week, this much time a day, etc. If he then doesn't respond to your needs, then in my opinion, it does make him completely incompatible for you and I'd break it off.

[Minerva]

Just being devil's advocate here, Mara (I basically agree with you, but...)

What if the perfect man and perfect relationship meant he had to be able to flap his wings and fly? Of course no man would measure up to that. When one comes upon issues in a relationship, one often needs to look at one's self to see if the expectations are unreasonable. Sometimes the problem isn't the other person, but that the expectations are out of whack with reality.

I'm not saying Sierra's expectations are unreasonable, but if she's ready to break up with this perfect man who really seems to love her, she should explore her own feelings about her expectations. Is this really about being afraid he won't have time for her? Or is she afraid of moving? Is she afraid that she'll put time into this relationship and thinks it's going to fail no matter what? I think she needs to make sure "afraid he'll have no time for me" isn't code for "afraid to go to the next step." Again, I'm not saying any of this is true -- just, I don't believe in throwing away something that works in so many other ways without exploring all sides of the issue.

Sierra, you love him. He loves you. I know you feel stressed about this move and you're worried about him leaving you alone. But you're never going to be 100% on moving to be with someone. It's such a big risk, such a commitment. If he's perfect in all other ways, this is something the two of you can work on. Be very careful before you throw away something good over something that can be worked on.

[Sierra]

My SO is a bartender, so I understand what you mean about the hours. It's hard, and he often goes out with his co-workers after. I lived with him for 6 months this year, and yeah, it was tough sometimes, especially when he was working nights, but I went out and met people and did my own thing. I respect his choice of job, and I respect that it means he keeps unsociable hours. I also respect that he needs to see his friends.
I appreciate that you're upset, and I don't want to seem harsh, because sometimes I have the same wobbles with my SO, but while I'm not there...he needs his life. If he were to spend as much time as I would like him to, talking to me, it would leave him little time with his friends, because of the unsociable hours.
The fact that your SO was crying about it is a big big sign that he wants to continue the relationship. And I think you'd be a fool to break it off with the guy that you think is "the man of your dreams". I think you should let him know that you'd like more of him, but I think you're not being very understanding of his lifestyle while you're apart. I'm sure there are things you do in your everyday life that you cut down on when he's visiting.

As I've said in my other posts, I have NEVER asked him not to spend time with his friends, and as a matter of fact, I encourage him to make time for his friends. But to me this doesn't mean that our relationship should suffer. It's up to him to find a balance of spending time with his friends and me. His friends have no qualms cancelling plans with him because they need to spend time with their girlfriends. I understand that he has to see his friends and I respect that. I'm not trying to be a controlling girlfriend. But it's not fair if they get the majority of his time and I get a sliver. Would you be happy with that?

I'm on the opposite side of everyone who has posted so far.

If I were in your situation and I was not happy now and my needs were not being met now, I would not move until this is resolved. But that's just my bottom line. I wouldn't suggest breaking up with the guy if the two of you are compatible on every other level because I do believe this is something that can be worked out, but to me, you don't pick up your whole life and move however many miles for someone when you're not totally happy with that person or the relationship.

May I ask, how often is he hanging out with his friends? Have you ever visited him for an extended period of time? Maybe a few weeks-month?

The reason I'm asking is because maybe he is just hanging out with his friends more because you are not there. I can honestly say I hang out with my friends more now because my SO isn't here with me.

But even if that is the case, I think the fact remains that you need more time than what he is giving you. Have you laid out exactly how much more time you need? I think you need to give him specifics. You need at least this many nights a week, this much time a day, etc. If he then doesn't respond to your needs, then in my opinion, it does make him completely incompatible for you and I'd break it off.

No, I've never visited him for an extended period of time but plan to for the last week in April. That's the soonest that we can do this and I've requested that he work during this time so I can get an idea of what it would be like for me realistically. However, before then, I need to see that he can commit SOME time to me.

As for how many nights he spends with his friends? 5. I'm supposed to get two, but I'm lucky if I get one. I told him I'd never be upset if we couldn't say good night because he had to work late, but the last night that was supposed to be 'mine' he decided he'd rather I just go to bed so he can figure out a trade in fantasy football (when he had the whole next day off).

I understand that he needs to hang out with his friends, but what's wrong with him coming home so we have time to say good night like he used to? He used to do this and now he doesn't. I know he's making new friends and expanding his social circle and taking the time he needs to stay busy to help cope with the stress of being in a long distance relationship, but I need him to show me that he's committed to being a partner before I move there, and unfortunately this is a decision I can't delay because of work/school.

Just being devil's advocate here, Mara (I basically agree with you, but...)

What if the perfect man and perfect relationship meant he had to be able to flap his wings and fly? Of course no man would measure up to that. When one comes upon issues in a relationship, one often needs to look at one's self to see if the expectations are unreasonable. Sometimes the problem isn't the other person, but that the expectations are out of whack with reality.

I'm not saying Sierra's expectations are unreasonable, but if she's ready to break up with this perfect man who really seems to love her, she should explore her own feelings about her expectations. Is she really afraid he won't have time for her, or is she afraid of moving? Is she afraid that she'll put time into this relationship and thinks it's going to fail no matter what? I think she needs to make sure "no time for me" isn't code for "afraid to go to the next step." Again, I'm not saying any of this is true -- just, I don't believe in throwing away something that works in so many other ways without exploring all sides of the issue.

Sierra, you love him. He loves you. I know you feel stressed about this move and you're worried about him leaving you alone. But you're never going to be 100% on moving to be with someone. It's such a big risk, such a commitment. If he's perfect in all other ways, this is something the two of you can work on. Be very careful before you throw away something good over something that can be worked on.

I'm really afraid that once I move I'm going to have an invisible partner. If he's unable to even dedicate two nights a week to me now, when I'm there and we work opposing hours how can I count on having any time with him at all. And more importantly why would I want to move in with someone who's never there? Am I being unreasonable? Maybe to some, but not to me. I have emotional needs that involve spending time with my partner more than 6 hours when we're both asleep. Not everyone's needs are the same.

I'm not afraid of moving, I want to get out of here, but I don't want to move and then come back. I NEED him to show me that he can be there for me before I decide for sure if I can make this move or not. I'm the one making the sacrifices here while he can't give me a few hours. Think about that for a moment.

I'm giving him the opportunity to prove himself to me, but if he can't this time, I can't continue on. I'm sorry, I love him with my heart and soul and I know he loves me, but does he love me more than he loves video games and smoking and beer? He may but his actions don't show it.

Words are completely hollow without actions to back them up.

[Minerva]

It sounds like your mind is already made up. =(

I think people are just eager to try to help you save this, because the two of you really seem in love. But if he can't meet your needs, then he can't. And if you can't live without those particular needs met, then you can't. And I don't think you're unreasonable. If this is all truly about what it's about, and not fear of moving or commitment, then this is something you need that he's not giving you.

I'd still hope you'd give him a chance to work on this though, as his crying seems to indicate you've finally driven home how important this is to you.

Best of luck.

[Mara]

Just being devil's advocate here, Mara (I basically agree with you, but...)

What if the perfect man and perfect relationship meant he had to be able to flap his wings and fly? Of course no man would measure up to that. When one comes upon issues in a relationship, one often needs to look at one's self to see if the expectations are unreasonable. Sometimes the problem isn't the other person, but that the expectations are out of whack with reality.

I'm not saying Sierra's expectations are unreasonable, but if she's ready to break up with this perfect man who really seems to love her, she should explore her own feelings about her expectations. Is this really about being afraid he won't have time for her? Or is she afraid of moving? Is she afraid that she'll put time into this relationship and thinks it's going to fail no matter what? I think she needs to make sure "afraid he'll have no time for me" isn't code for "afraid to go to the next step." Again, I'm not saying any of this is true -- just, I don't believe in throwing away something that works in so many other ways without exploring all sides of the issue.

Sierra, you love him. He loves you. I know you feel stressed about this move and you're worried about him leaving you alone. But you're never going to be 100% on moving to be with someone. It's such a big risk, such a commitment. If he's perfect in all other ways, this is something the two of you can work on. Be very careful before you throw away something good over something that can be worked on.

I love a good discussion topic, Minerva.

No man or relationship, in my opinion, is perfect. But everyone has needs and if a relationship isn't satisfying your needs then to me, no matter how perfect a guy may be for you, he is incompatible with you.

I'm a hopeless romantic, but I never weigh love in any relationship decision, but I suppose that's because I don't really buy into "the one" ideology. I've had two great loves in my short lifetime and I believe if I were ever to have cause to leave my current SO, I would find another great love. It might take me some time, but if all of a person's needs aren't being met in a relationship, if a person isn't happy in a relationship, what is the point in staying? Because the two people love each other? That's not a valid reason, in my book.

The more I read about this situation, Sierra, the more I worry that your guy is someone who places his friends above his relationship. I don't think it should be either or, but rather a balance, but I have met several people who just can't seem to obtain that balance. I do think my opinion/advice in this situation may be a bit harsh because this is an absolute deal breaker in my book so feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Unfortunately, I don't feel this is a situation that can be fixed overnight, but with lots of communication and willingness to change on his part, I don't see why it can't. But I really would hold off on the move until it does change or until you are able to see exactly what it would be like to spend an extended period of time living there with him.

[Sierra]

Well my boyfriend and I just had a great talk. He sees thinks, naturally, the exact opposite as I do. We came to an agreement that I'm happy with. It might sound crazy but he's going to tell me when he says no to hanging out with his friends to talk to me. This will make me reason that there is a balance (which he insisted) or allow him to see that there isn't. He said with his job he can never promise to say good night on Friday or Saturday and I told him I never expected that and I understood, and he also promised me an entire extra day a week - Sunday, when he gets off work, but we compromised a bit because I know Sunday is sometimes the only day he can see his best friend so I said if he split it up between the best friend and I or came home at a decent hour Sunday night I would feel much better. Hopefully these changes will make me feel less neglected.

See, I'm not super demanding, I feel very happy and comfortable with these changes which hopefully he can follow through with, and like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It's all about communication.


ETA: Mara, I think part of his problem is that he wants to be with me and I know this but he hasn't been in a serious, committed, long term relationship for a very long time. Basically since I would call what is real adulthood and he's learning. I just have to be patient. Like my friend said on the phone, sometimes I just pick these guys that really need fixing in one way or another.

[Mara]

It's all about communication.

ETA: Mara, I think part of his problem is that he wants to be with me and I know this but he hasn't been in a serious, committed, long term relationship for a very long time. Basically since I would call what is real adulthood and he's learning. I just have to be patient. Like my friend said on the phone, sometimes I just pick these guys that really need fixing in one way or another.

I agree with the part I put in bold so much. And ah, I was wondering if he had been in a long term serious relationship recently or not. It probably is a bit of an adjustment for him. I'm so glad the two of you talked and I hope that this talk will resolve things.

[lucybelle]

I know you keep saying you don't want to keep him from seeing his friends, but maybe you should. At least on "your" nights. You can say "you know I know you want to go do fantasy football or to a bar or wherever, but tonight is my night. And I'd rather you spend it with me." It's okay to be selfish every once in a while. You're not controlling. Tell him he needs to be home by a certain time on your nights because you're waiting for him.

I don't know how much this relates to your situation, but my SO quit smoking when he moved in with me. I am not okay with him smoking. And when we go to parties or bars or clubs, there's always tons of people smoking. My SO always wants to smoke and asks me if he can have just one cigarette. I straight up tell him no. I don't care if he looks whipped or I look like a bitch. Smoking is not okay with me and I refuse to allow him to do it.

Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself and your relationship!!

EDIT: Well I'm glad things are starting to look up for you two!!

[floridaellen]

I've worked in the restaurant industry all my life (although right now I'm taking some time off for school). It is very difficult to maintain a good relationship and have that line of work due to the hours, even if you are close distance. It's very taxing on the time needed to nurture the relationship.
If he can't meet your needs, which I completely understand, then he's not the one for you.

[Sierra]

I know you keep saying you don't want to keep him from seeing his friends, but maybe you should. At least on "your" nights. You can say "you know I know you want to go do fantasy football or to a bar or wherever, but tonight is my night. And I'd rather you spend it with me." It's okay to be selfish every once in a while. You're not controlling. Tell him he needs to be home by a certain time on your nights because you're waiting for him.

I don't know how much this relates to your situation, but my SO quit smoking when he moved in with me. I am not okay with him smoking. And when we go to parties or bars or clubs, there's always tons of people smoking. My SO always wants to smoke and asks me if he can have just one cigarette. I straight up tell him no. I don't care if he looks whipped or I look like a bitch. Smoking is not okay with me and I refuse to allow him to do it.

Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself and your relationship!!

EDIT: Well I'm glad things are starting to look up for you two!!

I am going to start telling him that our nights are our nights. Those two nights a week he's giving to me, no fantasy football, no hanging out with the boys, I don't care. The rest of the time I'm happy to compromise on.

I do feel like I am standing up for my relationship and what my needs are. I feel like by him TELLING me that he's sacrificing time with his friends to spend it with me I'll feel a little bit better. Right now I don't think he does it at all, but my perspective, just like his, could be way skewed. I think that him letting me know if he's sacrificed some time for me will make me feel more appreciated or will make him see that he's not doing it at all.

I want this to work, but with my level of frustration with his job, it's getting harder and harder. Something, somewhere, has to give. I think, and hope, that he's realized that and that if he wants me he has to make some different choices.

I've worked in the restaurant industry all my life (although right now I'm taking some time off for school). It is very difficult to maintain a good relationship and have that line of work due to the hours, even if you are close distance. It's very taxing on the time needed to nurture the relationship.
If he can't meet your needs, which I completely understand, then he's not the one for you.

The restaurant industry is his dream and I encouraged him to pursue it, I just didn't realize what it would do to us. I have worked in the food industry before, so has he. Hopefully we can find a balance between work and relationship. I need to give him more of a chance but it doesn't mean it's not incredibly taxing on me.

I agree with the part I put in bold so much. And ah, I was wondering if he had been in a long term serious relationship recently or not. It probably is a bit of an adjustment for him. I'm so glad the two of you talked and I hope that this talk will resolve things.

Mara, I forgot to quote your post. I do think a lot of this has to do with the fact that he's adjusting to being a serious relationship with someone he's considering as a life partner. I think because his last long term, serious relationship was so long ago, and when he was in his early twenties he may have forgotten how much it takes. Love is no fairy tale. It doesn't mean we can't have a happy ending but it takes work to get there.

I think in this situation, like I mentioned earlier, we were both seeing it from really different perspectives. Hearing how he felt makes me feel better, and I hope he was able to see where I was coming from. Our agreement, while very small to most probably given that I was saying I am ready to call this relationship quits, is a start and does meet my needs. I can only hope that I can be patient with him and that he realizes what he needs to do to keep this relationship going.

I love him very much and I do believe he's the man for me, we have these huge potholes in the road that we have to smooth over. He's one to push it aside, at least I address it head on. Of course, I may do that when I'm at my breaking point, but hopefully that'll change.

I've asked him to be more open with me, and that I'll be more open with him and express when I'm frustrated or upset. We both have improvements to make. But hopefully with time, we'll get there.

I wish I didn't feel like I had a deadline on the moving situation but the reality is, it's there. Neither of us are willing to engage in a long distance relationship beyond a certain point and it's coming ... that being said, some things happened at work today that have me looking to move sooner, if it doesn't work out I'll have enough money to come back, but I feel like it's my best bet.