Lack of Compassion from others

[Hildy]

I feel like most people don't understand what I go through being in an LDR. None of my friends in college are in relationships and none of them have ever been in an LDR. I feel like they don't appreciate or understand what I am going through. Not my friends, but other people have told me I'm crazy for trying to stay together with my SO and that it will never work out. They also tell me I'm too young to possibly understand what love or commitment is and that I am just going through a "phase" and that I'll soon grow out of it.

I am sick of people trying to tell me how to feel. I know that I am young, but I am absolutely sure that I am in love and that what my SO and I have is real. I wouldn't still be with him after almost 2 years if I wasn't sure of my feelings.

I try my best to just let it all go in one ear and out the other, but lately it is really getting to me.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Suggestions with how to deal with it?

[floridaellen]

I agree completely. I get the same reaction from most people, even though some of my friends are in relationships. Thankfully one of my friend's fiance is in the Marines so she gets the distance aspect.
Essentially, just take what they say as them trying to look out for you, but then toss it aside. They don't know your feelings or his feelings. They just don't want to see you hurt probably. But in reality they should keep their mouths shut.

[kteire]

The only suggestion that's worked for me... ignore it. You can try to explain yourself and rationalise it to other people, but you won't necessarily change their opinions. Don't take what they say to heart. Some people might eventually come around to be supportive, and some might not, but the only thing you can really do to change that is to have them see how happy and healthy your relationship is.
And to answer your question, yep, I've had that happen all the time! I used to argue with people, but now I just say something along the lines of, "Well it's too bad you think that." and change the subject.

[heylittlekrissy]

It's easy to say "ignore it", and which that's easy to do for some people, I'm the kind of person where at times it can be hard to ignore. I can ignore general criticism, but constant criticism/scrutiny bothers me when it comes from friends and family, and that's not always something I can always help. I will say this though: try to take everything that they say with a grain of salt. You yourself said that have not been in your position, so they can't know what it's like to be the one going through that, they will only ever see it from the outside. Only you know how you truly feel about your relationship. Try to remember that. And be as confident as possible in your relationship, people will eventually believe in it too.

[Dziubka]

A friend of mine (that I normally really like) told me on Saturday that we weren't "even in a real long distance relationship", because we see each other so often.
Like wtf? I don't want compassion, I'm in a great relationship and in a situation I brought myself into and I decide not to change. But since when is 1000km no distance? And how far apart do you have to live or how little do you have to see each other to be considered "a real long distance relationship"?

Sorry, I just needed to rant about that I guess.

[kat4301]

Yeah, this is one is tough. I find that I feel the worse when people flaunt their CD relationships in my face, like this one girl in my school is constantly planning her wedding and skipped class to go on a date. I just try to find some pride in what I am doing. I hate being LDR but once its over I will have accomplished something really great. Not many people could handle LDR, so I imagine they they disagree with LDR just because they know themselves they couldn't do something so hard.

[Bethypoo]

People will put down what they dont understand. Just ignore it. It may just be getting to you because the people you are around are all in CD relationships and it is hard to see. Honestly, when i doubt it I come here. There are people who have been in LDRs alot longer than i have. Some are still going and others who have closed the distance and are still happy. There are those who have left us due to the demise of a relationship. But that doesnt mean it ended due to the distance.

Honestly, it is hard to hear but you just have to keep going and keep communicating.

[dub329]

As others said, it's best to ignore them. I realize this strategy seems simplistic, but you can almost never convince someone that their experiences (which overwhelmingly involve close-distance relationships, and may involve settling for someone who is so-so) are irrelevant or false. At first, it was intensely uncomfortable to act this way to people who know me. But now, I am accustomed to just smiling a bit and looking away when someone tries to plant their seeds of doubt.

These people may think that you are keeping your eyes closed. Granted, some might stay in LDRs because they think they've found "the one," and cope with the distance with tunnel vision. But others stay in LDRs because they think they've found someone who is uncommonly awesome, and guard against shallow and illusory thinking. Your sensitivity to their views may reflect an uncertainty on your part concerning which category you fall into, so make sure it's the second one!

[SeaLover]

I think most people have it in their minds that I chose to be in a long distance relationship. Believe me, if I had a choice I would never even attempt a relationship over such a long distance. The fact of the matter is, we can't choose who we like. Is it my fault that the girl I care about lives almost 4000 miles away? No. That's just the way it happens and I am truly grateful that it happened.

[dukes2011]

It took almost 2 years (we've been together for 3) for my mom to realize that we're actually in love and not just "puppy love". I was 21 and he was 22. Before she kept saying we were too young and couldn't be sure of our feelings since we were each others' first loves and had spent too much time back and forth between CD and LD. I'm glad she finally came around and I hope that one example gives you a glimmer of hope.

Remember that no matter what other people say, it doesn't change the fact that you love each other. It took us a long time to get to this point, but my boyfriend and I now view those negative comments as something that can strengthen the LDR. Our relationship is not the norm for people our age, but we joke that we've never been normal- even when we were CD in undergrad. Sometimes a stupid yet funny inside joke is all you need to feel better about a situation. Good luck and hope everyone's replies have helped :-)

[Snap]

A friend of mine (that I normally really like) told me on Saturday that we weren't "even in a real long distance relationship", because we see each other so often.
Like wtf? I don't want compassion, I'm in a great relationship and in a situation I brought myself into and I decide not to change. But since when is 1000km no distance? And how far apart do you have to live or how little do you have to see each other to be considered "a real long distance relationship"?

Sorry, I just needed to rant about that I guess.

I had the same thing happen to me the other day! One of my acquaintances asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I said that I do but we are in an LDR. She asked me where he lived and when I told her the city, she scoffed and said "That's not long distance!"

I'm sorry but if I can't see him whenever I want to, have to plan out visits/traveling, and buy tickets for transportation, that's long distance in my book. If we're too far to do little things together like cook dinner and watch a movie in the evening, that's long distance.

I've just learned to ignore people like that. I have an amazing boyfriend and that's all that matters.

[Silvaria]

I totally understand, though my problem is different. People don't take us seriously because it's been more than 2 years since we've seen each other. But when we live 2,500 miles apart and in different countries and both of us are working just to make ends meet, taking a vacation and flying to the other side of the continent is almost impossible at this point in our lives.

Heck, I've even had friends who know I have a boyfriend try to set me up with other guys, because after all, I'm not in a "real" relationship!!!

Yes, it can be hard to simply ignore those people, but I've learned to just smile and nod and keep my opinion to myself. If pushed, I say something to the effect of, "I may not be able to spend time with him in person yet, but my heart doesn't know the difference."

[Engel]

A friend of mine (that I normally really like) told me on Saturday that we weren't "even in a real long distance relationship", because we see each other so often.
Like wtf? I don't want compassion, I'm in a great relationship and in a situation I brought myself into and I decide not to change. But since when is 1000km no distance? And how far apart do you have to live or how little do you have to see each other to be considered "a real long distance relationship"?


Sorry, I just needed to rant about that I guess.

WHAT? sorry, but that almost made me laugh, some people are never happy one way or another, they just have to point out something wrong for us. if some couple dont see each other much, they arent in a real relationship, if you can see your so more frequently, you arent in a real LDR...

go figure.

[LotusWing]

I had similar experiences, but you know what I did? I ignored all of them, because I trusted my heart and believed in my LDR. Today I'm happy that I did that, because those people who never been in LDR can't judge couples in LDR. Not only that, everyone is different so just because few LDR didn't work, doesn't mean that yours won't either?
Just believe in your relationship and don't give up! It will work if both of you believe in it

[Malaga]

To be fair, people around me have been quite supportive and understanding... in theory. But when it comes to making it work, they don't understand that LDR asks for a specific lifestyle as well. For example, my family and friends usually laugh at me (and sometimes are annoyed for no reason) because I tend to keep my phone with me at all times. I don't mess with it when I'm with people as that would be rude, but I like to have it near. And if I notice the message arrived, I'll take a look the first chance I get. I don't even reply right away. But just seeing the message from him makes me feel like he's there with me. Even just having the phone with me enables me to get that message - the connection is there even if there's no message.

Texting is the main way of contact we have for weeks or months. I don't have the luxury of coming home to my SO after a night out with friends. I'm not going to see him tomorrow or at the weekend. This is all we have.
When I'm visiting and he's away at work, I don't have the need to talk to him until he gets home, because I know I'll see him that day. But when we're apart, the best way we can keep connection is if we stay dipped in each other's lives. That's the dynamics of our relationship and people don't seem to understand that.