Why does he have to say stuff like this?

[Snap]

My boyfriend and I were talking on the phone today, and a few things happened:

First of all, he's going to be taking a vacation soon out-of-state to visit some of his old college friends and this one girl who he used to have a huge crush on and dated for a while is also over there. Even though she's married I still don't want him visiting her but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I'm really upset about it nevertheless.

Also, he's really busy with his work/school. We were talking about how ever since I've known him he's been really busy with grad school. We started dating a year ago and things were just starting to get hectic for him. It wasn't that big of a deal when we were CDR; however, he would say stuff such as he's boring, he's half-assing the relationship, etc because he's so busy. He said in past relationships he had more free time to plan things, was more creative in general, and wasn't as busy. I always reassured him that I was fine with the effort that he was putting in because he did carve out time to spend with me.

Today he started doing the same sh*t again. He asked me why am I in a relationship with someone who is so busy especially a long distance one, and why don't I date people in my city, etc. He said it in a joking way, but I'm a little concerned because of the stuff I mentioned in the previous paragraph. He admitted to me in the past that he uses humor as a defense mechanism so that's another reason why I'm concerned. Anyway, it kind of caught me off guard so I didn't know what to say so I just replied in a joking manner, "Yeah, why am I?" He replied "Are there just no good guys over there?" in the same joking tone of voice. I didn't respond because I didn't want to carry this on any further. After a few seconds of silence, he said, "I guess there aren't based on what your coworker was saying before" (I have a coworker who is always complaining that there aren't any decent guys in this city). After a few more seconds of silence, I just said "Yeah." I think he started to notice my change of tone and attitude and he changed the subject talking about how happy he was that I sent him a care package and what a nice surprise it was.

I'm just really p*ssed off right now and I don't really know why and if I even should be angry. Maybe he's just saying that stuff because he's really stressed out, I don't know. But I don't like to hear it. I made the choice to date him knowing that he was going to be busy. If I couldn't handle him being busy then I would get out of the relationship. If he doesn't want to date me, then fine, just tell me and break up with me. Otherwise I really don't like hearing him question my decision to stay in the relationship, joking or nonjoking. It makes me wonder if I'm doing something or saying something that is making him doubt my decision. I hope I'm not making him feel insecure

I need some advice. I'm beginning to feel really sick.

[Miramaid]

I think he sounds insecure and unsure of the relationship, but not on your part but on his. I would flat out ask him if he thinks it is not going to work between you.

[Mara]

I don't think it's you at all. It sounds like he's really insecure just because of the situation in general. Look at it from his point of view, you're an amazing person, but he doesn't have time to give you the attention he feels you deserve and on top of that the two of you are apart from each other, which only complicates things more.

My boyfriend struggles sometimes with being insecure as well [he has bit of an issue with low self esteem] and I always just tell him honestly that if I have chosen him and this relationship. I have absolutely no interest in anyone else. Positive reaffirmation goes a long way with people. I think you should also ask him if he was saying all of that stuff because he is worried about you leaving him. No need in beating around the bush.

Also, I wouldn't be worried about this girl he had a crush on if I were you. She's married and from the sounds of it your SO only has eyes for you anyways, but if it's bothering you, no reason to beat around the bush. Just talk to him about it.

[Babypuppy21]

*Hugs*
This isn’t about you in the least, I think he may feel that he’s not being the best partner at the moment as he isn’t able to devote the time he would like to the relationship. Tell him you understand what’s going on and you’re thankful to be together also add you’re a big girl and you made the decision to be with him come what may. He may just need some reassurance right now..

[kittyo9]

Boy do I have a story! Back when I was a freshman in college, I had a romantic relationship with this boy I had met from the Netherlands. He had a girlfriend of three years but fell in love with me, so he broke up with her, only to get back together with her a week later after realizing how improbable our relationship would be. I understood, but I was nonetheless upset.

A year and a half later, after new relationships had come and gone for me (and he was still with his girlfriend...), I had the opportunity to visit him (and three other Dutch friends) one weekend while I was studying in Luxembourg. My feelings for him had abated, but we still looked back fondly on the time we spent together. We got really excited and planned the whole visit out, but he expressed to me that after what had happened all that time ago, he was still questioning his relationship with his girlfriend. Of course he was obliged to tell her that he would have a visitor the day I came, but she kept prying to find out who it was, and when she found out it was me (oh lord, anyone but me!), she freaked out. By the time I did get to visit, they were partially separated, and a few weeks later, they broke up for good. I kind of blame myself, but at the same time, I really didn't do anything. I never wanted to hurt her, and it was his decision, not mine. I had a great time visiting him and we had a lot of fun, and nothing romantic happened.

Anyway, my story boils down to: you can visit partners/romantic interests from long ago and still have a good, normal, fun time together. What happens on her part is up to her, but if you don't trust your boyfriend going there, you should express your concerns to him.

Another bit I might throw in is that when I get upset about something in my relationship, I reflect all negativity towards myself and convince myself that my boyfriend should find someone better. I can't help it. I don't know why I do it. I just do, and I did the same thing in my first relationship. So I tell him things like, "You deserve better than me" and "You should find someone near you so you can spend all the time you want with them" (time has been an issue with us). I don't WANT him to break up with me, but I still try to convince him to. I don't know if I'm testing him or just being a negative nancy.

[squirrelz15]

He just sounds insecure to me. Maybe reassuring him of your commitment and why you want to be with him would help. Or, I would at least ask him why he is saying stuff like that. I would tell him that it bothers you and why so that at least he understands where you're coming from. It's hard with distance because you can't pick up on body language and tone of voice can kinda be confusing at times. All you can really do is talk it out.

[Bethypoo]

I think it is just that, a defense mechanism. I get being a bit thrown off or worried, but i don't think there is something to feel worried about. I think you just need to remind him how much you love him and that even if there were guys where you are living that you CHOOSE TO BE WITH HIM.

Reminders are always good.

[Snap]

I was hoping that I could talk to him tonight but he's approaching the deadline for something regarding his research and was too busy to talk on the phone tonight. He said he would call tomorrow night. I'll definitely take everyone's advice here and talk to him.

I guess what I'm confused about is that he is a very action-based kind of guy. For him, actions speak louder than words. He never, or rarely does, gives me verbal affirmation about his stance in the relationship, and that used to bother me a lot. But then I realized that he does a lot to show that he cares about me. I reciprocate by doing the same thing and an example is my little care package for him. Also, I'm the one that's traveling for 90% of the visits. I don't mind this because I'm the one who moved away and so I really miss the city that I used to live in. Anyway, the reason why I do most of the traveling is because he's so busy and has to work pretty much every day. I thought maybe that it's obvious that if I didn't care for him I would not spend all this money on travel costs, bring him food that I made, help out with errands/chores when I visit, and then return home in the wee hours of the night. I don't know, I guess I feel kinda hurt, like all that I've done doesn't mean anything? Maybe I'm also hurt because as I said before, he never gives me any verbal reassurance and I had to learn to adjust to that. But now he needs some.

This is making my head hurt and I can't sleep

[savoie-truffle]

My SO and I have been trying to figure out this whole distance thing and Ive got to say last month SUCKED. The two of us just werent on the same page Im pretty sure he thought he was being completely showy in regards to his feelings and I felt like I was getting nothing so ya. We just talked and he got a little snappy like "Well why do I always have to say it dont you already know?!"
In the end we are doing much better because I just told him that yes I do know he loves and adores me but sometimes I really DO need to hear it haha and Ive noticed now that he really did seem to respond to that .. in the same regards Ive tried to be less expecting I guess its just a give and take right

In my opinion he sounds busy and stressed I think he just wishes you were there to give him a hug

[Miramaid]

Boy do I have a story! Back when I was a freshman in college, I had a romantic relationship with this boy I had met from the Netherlands. He had a girlfriend of three years but fell in love with me, so he broke up with her, only to get back together with her a week later after realizing how improbable our relationship would be. I understood, but I was nonetheless upset.

A year and a half later, after new relationships had come and gone for me (and he was still with his girlfriend...), I had the opportunity to visit him (and three other Dutch friends) one weekend while I was studying in Luxembourg. My feelings for him had abated, but we still looked back fondly on the time we spent together. We got really excited and planned the whole visit out, but he expressed to me that after what had happened all that time ago, he was still questioning his relationship with his girlfriend. Of course he was obliged to tell her that he would have a visitor the day I came, but she kept prying to find out who it was, and when she found out it was me (oh lord, anyone but me!), she freaked out. By the time I did get to visit, they were partially separated, and a few weeks later, they broke up for good. I kind of blame myself, but at the same time, I really didn't do anything. I never wanted to hurt her, and it was his decision, not mine. I had a great time visiting him and we had a lot of fun, and nothing romantic happened.

Anyway, my story boils down to: you can visit partners/romantic interests from long ago and still have a good, normal, fun time together. What happens on her part is up to her, but if you don't trust your boyfriend going there, you should express your concerns to him.

Another bit I might throw in is that when I get upset about something in my relationship, I reflect all negativity towards myself and convince myself that my boyfriend should find someone better. I can't help it. I don't know why I do it. I just do, and I did the same thing in my first relationship. So I tell him things like, "You deserve better than me" and "You should find someone near you so you can spend all the time you want with them" (time has been an issue with us). I don't WANT him to break up with me, but I still try to convince him to. I don't know if I'm testing him or just being a negative nancy.

I have a very different opinion about it. If he respected her he would tell her right away and would make it a point to introduce you two to each other and make his woman feel comfortable.
Is it your fault he didn't do it? Well ultimately no, but if i was you and I knew that I am causing someone's relationship to be in trouble, I would definitely step back and let the people sort it out and not cause any troubles to a couple.
It is almost the same as sleeping with a married man and saying to yourself that it is him who is married and not you, so you are not doing anything wrong (I know it is not the same thing, but try to see it from her perspective. I bet you would not want to be in her shoes)