Guilty by association

[lucybelle]

One of my SO's good friends is married and constantly cheats on his wife. My SO knows about it and even jokes about it. I've never met this guys wife, but I have met numerous "friends". My SO and his friend work together and also hang out a lot. I know it shouldn't matter, but it still makes me feel worried. My SO is not his friend, but I still.. uggh.. I've been having dreams about my SO cheating. I know he wouldn't. And he spends all his time with me (we've closed the distance) so it's not like he has time to do anything. I have no reason to suspect him. But I guess just how he doesn't care really bothers me. I feel like it'd be like if a teenager was hanging out with kids doing drugs and drinking, even if the parent KNEW the kid wouldn't do it, it still makes them worried.

Am I insane for thinking this?

[Bethypoo]

I dont think that you have any reason to worry. Like you said just because his friend is cheating doesn't mean that he is. But there is the saying "you are who you hang out with." So i dont think it would be bad just to talk about it with you SO and let him know that you think it is a bad thing for his friend to do. Keep and open discussion, but I don't think that you have anything to worry about.

[rhomy]

First of all, you are not insane. It is normal to be concerned. If he jokes about his friend cheating it would seem that he doesn't think of infidelity as a bad thing.
Tell him that. Talk about the way you feel without going mad or starting to accuse him. Just tell him, that you are worried.
But remember, he is not his friend. So give him a chance to explain why he behaves that way.
Don't worry too much though.

[raiblade3]

You are NOT insane! I would worry too if i was in the same situation. Just talk to him about how you feel, without accusing.

[MadMolly]

Guys tend to act all manly-man, tough-guy, chauvinistic etc when they hang out together like this. I wouldn't think that just because he jokes about it means he agrees with it per say, he's probably just filling a "role" you know? I know not all guys do this and it's not necessarily and excuse for this behaviour but I don't think you need to worry about it at all.

[Engel]

Dont worry dear. its normal for everybody to feel a little insecure sometimes, and that is ok, it means you dont take your SO for granted, and are always trying to improve the relationship.


I have had friends that did many things, and it doesnt mean i would do them, i was friends wth that person in spite of those bad things, but because of many good things, so it isnt one small parcel of a friend of mines lifes that defines them. im sure this guy must be nice, or he wouldnt get his wife, the women he cheats on her with and friends. he is just a jerk in the end.

[elizabethjp2010]

youre not, its hard. My SO's best friends are both BIG time cheaters, but he says he couldnt imagine doing something like that to me, that doesnt mean i dont worry we all do its only natural, try talking to him about it, because telling yourself youre acting insane is just going to make you act insane...

[Jgui]

Just because his friend cheats doesnt mean he'll cheat on you. You're not insane for thinking this way because you're just worry that he'll get influence by his friends bas judgement.

[princessmeg1328]

I don't think it's crazy for you to be concerned. I just read an article in Cosmopolitan magazine that talked about cheating. It says that men are able to separate their own morals from those of their friends. Even if he disagrees with what his friend is doing, he might still think he's a good friend. It also says that if you're concerned, you should talk to him. I know the information in Cosmo is sometimes iffy, but I agree with this.

[mllebamako]

We always have conversations about this. Here were we live (Mali) it is quite common for people to cheat on each other. So several of his friends have mistresses and like our neighbor brings over a different woman every night (sometimes his wife!). We kind of laugh about it because...well, what can you do! But we've also talked about it more seriously sometimes, talked about how it is wrong, how we wouldn't do this to each other.

Like others have said, he is not his friend. And I laugh and joke about people cheating here but that's because of how common it is, but I still would never do it. Just talk to him about it next time it comes up in conversation and he'll give you the reassurance you need.