Hello everyone, it has been awhile since I posted anything on here so I felt I needed to give an update about me and my SO. Warning, long post..lol
Ok, so me and my SO (DL) met back in early summer and we have been talking, texting, chatting online, we have physically been together for 5 weekends since then and we have grown so close since we started out. Also, let me say that DL is the most amazing man I have ever met. He is so kind, caring, very understanding and most importantly he has been so patient with me and my insecurities the past few months. I can't believe how understanding he has been with me and all my issues. He has quickly become my best friend and I love him with all my heart.
So, whats the problem right? Well..in a nutshell its all ME. Since I met him and we have grown closer, feelings have developed between us and he has on several occassions told me that we wants us to be more than just friends...but only when I am ready. Because of my past relationships, one of them being a LDR that ended horrible I have been very reluctant to let myself go with DL. I have for the most part kept our relationship at the friendship level because, thats I guess what I am most comfortable with. We have not been intamate or physical yet...even though we both want that.. Why? Because of ME and my insecurities! I know that he cares for me alot and I can tell he is a very honest and sincere man and he has been patiently dealing with my insecurities with the long distance relationship thing for over 5 months now and I am afraid he is getting tired of it. So let me rewind to last weekend when he was here.
He came down on Saturday morning( a 4 hour drive none the less) to spend all day with me Sat and most of Sunday. Usually he stays in a nearby Motel, but last weekend I told him I wanted him to stay with me from now on instead of spending money on a motel room. He kept asking if I was ok with that (he's so sweet always concerned about me) I told him I was. And I was...I wanted us to grow closer. I had arranged to have my mom take my kids for the whole weekend so we could enjoy our time alone.
So he came down on Saturday, we went for a walk in the local park, went to see a movie, came back to my place..I made dinner for him (His favorite, Lasagna) then we drove to the local video store to rent a movie...settled on the couch to watch the movie together. It was the perfect end to the perfect day, we cuddled on the coach under a blanket. Up to this point we have not really been intimate or physcial. Our kisses and hugs have been more on the friendly side than a relationship type so I guess maybe thats why what happened next kinda freaked me out so much... Half way though the movie he leaned towards me and kissed me on the lips..while it surprised me, it was the most amazing kiss I have ever had, I felt completely numb as we kissed..however I was so surprised by it I pulled away quicky and had such surprised look on my face that I made him feel uncomfortable. He asked me... whats wrong? I was so embarrassed by the way I had reacted I didn't know what to say, so all I said was..nothing..its fine.. Well from that point on he became kinda distant and barley looked at me for the rest of the movie even though I kept touching his arm. I could tell I upset him...I was mad at myself. I didn't mean to react that way towards him kissing me and I wanted him to kiss me...what was wrong with me?!!! Well the movie finished and he got up to get a drink and then came out and said he was going to head to bed...I asked to sit down and talk to me for a minute. I explained to him that I didn't mean to pull away like that it just surprised me thats all...please don't be offended by it. He said he understood and it was fine (But I could tell it really wasn't) So I asked him where he wanted to sleep, I told him he could either sleep in the small den I have...(there's a spare cot in there) or with me in my bed ( of course I wanted him to sleep in my bed with me!) he said...well I think its probably best if I sleep in the spare bed tonite I don't want to over step my boundries.. I was so upset he said this..it sounded so cold even though I know he didn't mean it like that..I said it was ok and I was fine with him sleeping with me but he said no again. I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes so I said goodnight and turned away and went off to my room. I layed in bed crying...I was soo upset with myself.
Well Sunday morning came, I was up early because I couldn't sleep that night. I made pancakes for him breakfast, we sat at my table making small talk..I aksed him how he slept, he said ok. I kept trying to get him to open up but all I got were one or two word answers..very short. Well the day went on, we went to the hardware store to get a few things (he had offered to fix a shelf in my closet)..worked on that, went to get some things at the store together...Neither one of us said much most of the day, just casual friendly conversation with each other.
As we walked through the store I asked him is he was ok and that he seemed very distant. He said he was fine, just confused and alittle embarrassed about what happened the night before. I told him not to be embarrassed that I was happy he wanted to kiss me, I just have my issues hun you know..I am a mess ( I was trying to make it out to be a joking statement to help him feel like it wasn't anything he did wrong). He didn't say much after that just that he understood and it was fine.
Well the day went on..we hung out at my place watching TV for the rest of the afternoon..soon it was time for him to leave. I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner but he said he wanted to get on the road before it got to late. I said ok (even though I wasn't ok with that). I told him I felt like he was mad at me..He said no he wasn't. He headed towards the door with his things...I walked him out to his car where we stood for about 10 minutes just looking at each other. I wanted to reach out and pull him towards me and kiss him so bad but I was frozen standing there. Finally reached over and gave me a hug and then turned to get in his car..I said...one more hug please...I pulled him towards me and held him so tightly against me...I didn't want to let him go. As we stopped hugging I started crying and when he asked why I was crying I said it was nothing I would be ok.He said something was wrong but I told him it was nothing. I stood there crying as he drove away...so mad at myself for screwing things up this weekend.. What was wrong with me?? I am a 35 year old woman. I shouldn't be having this hard of a time with this incredible man!
Well he sent me a text when he got home..(usually he calls and we talk for a bit) and this week hasn't been the same..He has been distant with me in his texts, and on the phone. I keep asking him whats wrong..he says nothing but I know he's upset with me.
I want to open to him so bad and tell him why I pulled away but I think he is getting alitle tired of me being so insecure. I know in my heart I love him so much but I am too scared to tell him. I want us to grow closer and be more intimate and physical but I think I ruined all that by the way I acted last weekend. I feel things have changed between us...he hasn't texed me as much as he usually does. I used to get texts all the time saying "thinking about you" or "can't wait to talk to you"..this past week nothing beyond "hey how's your day going" or I'll call you later" When we talk its not the same..usually about work, the kids..etc..
I am scared I'm losing him and I don't want to. I know I'm over reacting probably to all this but its so hard not to. We did talk for awhile last night and he seemed to be alittle more cheery and we had more of a normal conversation. We laughed joked etc...he was sounding more like his old self. I told him I still felt bad about last weekend...he told me to let it go and that it was fine. He said.."we need to take things one day at a time so he doesn't overwhelm me"...what does that mean?? When I asked him what he meant by that he said...I don't want to talk about it anymore tonite....I told him not to take what happened personal, please be patient with me..its just my past relationships that are causing me to be overcautious with him and I was sorry for that. He said he was trying but he wasn't sure he could break down the walls that I have built up to protect myself...I was silent after he said that..I could feel myself starting to breakdown...I tried to tell reassure him by telling him he was the only one that could help me break down those walls...he didn't say anything after that....it was almost midnight so we said goodnight...I told him I miss him....he said..miss you too..
Today he is helping his dad so he isn't sure how much we can talk so I am not sure if I will even hear from him. I figured I would share my story with the hopes maybe someone else has gone through this before me and can offer so advice. I am afraid he's giving up on me because of my insecurities and If I don't stop being so closed he will pull away more...I need to figure things out here soon...
What is wrong with me? It should be so easy to let myself go with him...I know I love him..I am just so guarded with him and it drives me crazy because I don't mean to be...
Help!
Jennifer
Ok, so me and my SO (DL) met back in early summer and we have been talking, texting, chatting online, we have physically been together for 5 weekends since then and we have grown so close since we started out. Also, let me say that DL is the most amazing man I have ever met. He is so kind, caring, very understanding and most importantly he has been so patient with me and my insecurities the past few months. I can't believe how understanding he has been with me and all my issues. He has quickly become my best friend and I love him with all my heart.
So, whats the problem right? Well..in a nutshell its all ME. Since I met him and we have grown closer, feelings have developed between us and he has on several occassions told me that we wants us to be more than just friends...but only when I am ready. Because of my past relationships, one of them being a LDR that ended horrible I have been very reluctant to let myself go with DL. I have for the most part kept our relationship at the friendship level because, thats I guess what I am most comfortable with. We have not been intamate or physical yet...even though we both want that.. Why? Because of ME and my insecurities! I know that he cares for me alot and I can tell he is a very honest and sincere man and he has been patiently dealing with my insecurities with the long distance relationship thing for over 5 months now and I am afraid he is getting tired of it. So let me rewind to last weekend when he was here.
He came down on Saturday morning( a 4 hour drive none the less) to spend all day with me Sat and most of Sunday. Usually he stays in a nearby Motel, but last weekend I told him I wanted him to stay with me from now on instead of spending money on a motel room. He kept asking if I was ok with that (he's so sweet always concerned about me) I told him I was. And I was...I wanted us to grow closer. I had arranged to have my mom take my kids for the whole weekend so we could enjoy our time alone.
So he came down on Saturday, we went for a walk in the local park, went to see a movie, came back to my place..I made dinner for him (His favorite, Lasagna) then we drove to the local video store to rent a movie...settled on the couch to watch the movie together. It was the perfect end to the perfect day, we cuddled on the coach under a blanket. Up to this point we have not really been intimate or physcial. Our kisses and hugs have been more on the friendly side than a relationship type so I guess maybe thats why what happened next kinda freaked me out so much... Half way though the movie he leaned towards me and kissed me on the lips..while it surprised me, it was the most amazing kiss I have ever had, I felt completely numb as we kissed..however I was so surprised by it I pulled away quicky and had such surprised look on my face that I made him feel uncomfortable. He asked me... whats wrong? I was so embarrassed by the way I had reacted I didn't know what to say, so all I said was..nothing..its fine.. Well from that point on he became kinda distant and barley looked at me for the rest of the movie even though I kept touching his arm. I could tell I upset him...I was mad at myself. I didn't mean to react that way towards him kissing me and I wanted him to kiss me...what was wrong with me?!!! Well the movie finished and he got up to get a drink and then came out and said he was going to head to bed...I asked to sit down and talk to me for a minute. I explained to him that I didn't mean to pull away like that it just surprised me thats all...please don't be offended by it. He said he understood and it was fine (But I could tell it really wasn't) So I asked him where he wanted to sleep, I told him he could either sleep in the small den I have...(there's a spare cot in there) or with me in my bed ( of course I wanted him to sleep in my bed with me!) he said...well I think its probably best if I sleep in the spare bed tonite I don't want to over step my boundries.. I was so upset he said this..it sounded so cold even though I know he didn't mean it like that..I said it was ok and I was fine with him sleeping with me but he said no again. I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes so I said goodnight and turned away and went off to my room. I layed in bed crying...I was soo upset with myself.
Well Sunday morning came, I was up early because I couldn't sleep that night. I made pancakes for him breakfast, we sat at my table making small talk..I aksed him how he slept, he said ok. I kept trying to get him to open up but all I got were one or two word answers..very short. Well the day went on, we went to the hardware store to get a few things (he had offered to fix a shelf in my closet)..worked on that, went to get some things at the store together...Neither one of us said much most of the day, just casual friendly conversation with each other.
As we walked through the store I asked him is he was ok and that he seemed very distant. He said he was fine, just confused and alittle embarrassed about what happened the night before. I told him not to be embarrassed that I was happy he wanted to kiss me, I just have my issues hun you know..I am a mess ( I was trying to make it out to be a joking statement to help him feel like it wasn't anything he did wrong). He didn't say much after that just that he understood and it was fine.
Well the day went on..we hung out at my place watching TV for the rest of the afternoon..soon it was time for him to leave. I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner but he said he wanted to get on the road before it got to late. I said ok (even though I wasn't ok with that). I told him I felt like he was mad at me..He said no he wasn't. He headed towards the door with his things...I walked him out to his car where we stood for about 10 minutes just looking at each other. I wanted to reach out and pull him towards me and kiss him so bad but I was frozen standing there. Finally reached over and gave me a hug and then turned to get in his car..I said...one more hug please...I pulled him towards me and held him so tightly against me...I didn't want to let him go. As we stopped hugging I started crying and when he asked why I was crying I said it was nothing I would be ok.He said something was wrong but I told him it was nothing. I stood there crying as he drove away...so mad at myself for screwing things up this weekend.. What was wrong with me?? I am a 35 year old woman. I shouldn't be having this hard of a time with this incredible man!
Well he sent me a text when he got home..(usually he calls and we talk for a bit) and this week hasn't been the same..He has been distant with me in his texts, and on the phone. I keep asking him whats wrong..he says nothing but I know he's upset with me.
I want to open to him so bad and tell him why I pulled away but I think he is getting alitle tired of me being so insecure. I know in my heart I love him so much but I am too scared to tell him. I want us to grow closer and be more intimate and physical but I think I ruined all that by the way I acted last weekend. I feel things have changed between us...he hasn't texed me as much as he usually does. I used to get texts all the time saying "thinking about you" or "can't wait to talk to you"..this past week nothing beyond "hey how's your day going" or I'll call you later" When we talk its not the same..usually about work, the kids..etc..
I am scared I'm losing him and I don't want to. I know I'm over reacting probably to all this but its so hard not to. We did talk for awhile last night and he seemed to be alittle more cheery and we had more of a normal conversation. We laughed joked etc...he was sounding more like his old self. I told him I still felt bad about last weekend...he told me to let it go and that it was fine. He said.."we need to take things one day at a time so he doesn't overwhelm me"...what does that mean?? When I asked him what he meant by that he said...I don't want to talk about it anymore tonite....I told him not to take what happened personal, please be patient with me..its just my past relationships that are causing me to be overcautious with him and I was sorry for that. He said he was trying but he wasn't sure he could break down the walls that I have built up to protect myself...I was silent after he said that..I could feel myself starting to breakdown...I tried to tell reassure him by telling him he was the only one that could help me break down those walls...he didn't say anything after that....it was almost midnight so we said goodnight...I told him I miss him....he said..miss you too..
Today he is helping his dad so he isn't sure how much we can talk so I am not sure if I will even hear from him. I figured I would share my story with the hopes maybe someone else has gone through this before me and can offer so advice. I am afraid he's giving up on me because of my insecurities and If I don't stop being so closed he will pull away more...I need to figure things out here soon...
What is wrong with me? It should be so easy to let myself go with him...I know I love him..I am just so guarded with him and it drives me crazy because I don't mean to be...
Help!
Jennifer
2 and a half years into another LDR, engaged *happy dance* and we are in different countries (USA, NZ) 
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