I think I need a week off...

[rubydissolution]

So, I recently posted about my situation with my SO and his going home and lack of reassurance and time since he got there. I can't say its improved, but i'm trying to handle this better then i have been. After being called selfish in another thread i sent him the following letter via Facebook.

"Hey there lover,

I've done a lot of thinking today. I know me thinking, it doesn't end well. The only reason i am writing you is because i feel like i express myself so much better this way (i have time to edit before i click send lol) Look, I'm sorry. I have been incredibly selfish about this entire situation. While i do not like the way you went home, i do support that you did it. I also am behind you 110% about going back to school, even if that means straining our relationship. I really need to hold myself accountable for not being as supportive of your choices as i should have been and as I need be. I am really going to try harder to understand that you are busy at work or that you don't necessarily want to text me when you are out with Kenny. I understand that now that you are home you are having to reestablish that life you left behind and take a lot of strides to get back on your feet both financially and emotionally. You have been wonderful towards me this whole time, through every single emotional outburst, my anger, sadness and many many tears. I appreciate all the time you spend trying to stay awake to hang out with me even when you are falling asleep on your keyboard. I realize our sleep schedules are sort of on opposite ends of the spectrum now, but that's probably the best thing for you as you approach school. I know you are going to do so well when you start classes ^^. Just as you are trying to be a better person for me, I am going to try to do the same for you. You don't deserve a crazy gf who makes you feel like shit over something stupid like not sending a text at a wedding and i'm sorry for that. I know I can do this, but if i falter please don't hold it against me. You have every right to not talk to me when i am that over the top emotional. I know that things are going to be so tough for the next few months, and the year itself. I'm ready to weather that storm with you, if you want me. Although i continue to have doubts about myself, i should not have them about you. I know you are loyal, and just an amazing guy. I'm just hoping that I haven't pushed you that far away bc of my selfish emotional behavior. I love you, and again i'm sorry. I will talk to you when you get home.

Ever apologetic,
Amber"

Since then i have been working on stuff to send him for our anniversary but i am still getting anxious when i don't hear from him for a long time. For example the 9 hours he was out with his friends. I was so dis drought i drank myself sick. I am not a drinker nor do i ever use substances to get through my stress. I feel like for my own well being and probably for his we need to not speak for a week. I need to go back to my life when i'm not sitting around at a computer waiting for him to come home, waiting for a text or a message that may not come. I think if i can get my life back in order then i can handle this situation better and not be an emotional burden/downer on him. Its going to be a struggle but i think it may be the best thing for us. I need to remember that i am a strong independent woman and i don't need to depend on him to get me through the day.We would resume talking on our anniversary next week.

I'd welcome any advice, or thoughts.

[Jgui]

I think it's very important that you are still your own person even when in a relationship. It's important to be supportive of your SO even if it means you'll be sacrificing a little bit. I think you did a great job letting you SO know that although you're upset he left, you're still gonna be there supporting him all the way.

As far as you feel yourself being a downer/burden to him when he's out or not responsive. I think you should get out there and hang out with your friends also. Just because he's out having fun doesn't mean you can't do the same. Don't let your life stop just because you're in a relationship. I understand how upsetting it gets if you don't hear from your SO for a long period of time. We're all human and we crave attention every now and then. My SO has a super busy schedule and he can go for a whole day without looking for me.

Look on the bright side, when you both reconnect again it'll always feel like its the 1st time.

[rubydissolution]

I hang out with my friends when i can. My friends aren't readily accessible anymore. My best friend doesn't live locally and she is very busy with her career. One of my other closest friends lives in Florida, she moved there after high school. The third is an ex boyfriend and my current SO doesn't particularly like it when i hang out with him. Tonight i hung out with one of the only people I have made friends with at one of my jobs. She's really great at listening to my problems and not really picking a side. It helped take my mind off all of this and she supported my choice.

My only concern about this break is he'll realize he's better off without me. While i don't think that will happen it does weigh on my mind. I'm just hoping for the best outcome to all of this.

[Mara]

I am on a very different side of this, but that's just because of your previous thread. I get the feeling that you have a hard time standing up for your needs in a relationship and having those needs met. I don't personally think anything you have said or done [from what I've read so far] has been unreasonable.

No, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting on him to call or text or come online, but I think the problem really goes deeper than that. All I've read about what was best for him or you being supportive of him or he felt that he needed to..all that is fine, but what about you? Where do your needs and feelings come into play into this relationship?

He was very inconsiderate in the way that he handled moving back home and it doesn't sound like he's been too considerate since he's been back either.

A break will only work if both parties are clear on what needs to be worked on and what the overall outcome should be. I don't think you being more understanding or supportive or being more independent is really the problem here at all.

But that's just my two cents.

[rubydissolution]

Mara, I completely agree that he's was inconsiderate about how he left and that he continues to be that way. I'm just trying to fix my end of this. I have spoken to him about the break, why i feel we need it and he agrees. We were different people in July before he moved. His living situation and job were completely secure. Now that's all in the air. So i'm just trying to empathize with him. Though on my end i have to continue the same life i led when he was here and that's whats eating me up. He knows how much he hurt me, that's why he's putting up with my crap. I know he's beating himself up inside about it. We have talked about my feelings and what he did to me. So its not entirely about him. I want this break to make us stronger and it'll be good for me not to worry about all of this for that time. It's tough on both ends.

[Bethypoo]

i agree with Jgui. You need to be you. Yes you hang out with your friends but do you plan your life around you? You need to give him space and just take some time for yourself. You will be a better girlfriend for it. You have to be independent and be a couple together. But being dependent isn't always the best thing. so just take a step back and give yourself some space. Time apart will make you stronger and maybe it will spark things back up for a new start.

[rubydissolution]

K, update. I'm 2 days into this week off thing. I had told him the occasional text/msg was fine but i had no intention of starting a conversation from it. So i sent him a text yesterday n a msg (bc Daniel Tosh was wearing University of Oregon apparel. Wes is from Oregon so it was lol) on WoW (tellin him he didn't have to avoid me followed by an lol bc i was kidding) today but we haven't spoken, on skype, aim or any other communication device. No he hasn't sent me any messages or responded to mine. And i'm an TOTALLY OK with it. I have been so stress free the past two days. I started playin WoW with my other friends, have been attempting to get better at Magic the Gathering (somethin we started playin together), baked cookies, Went shopping with a friend, finished scrap booking, went to work, and mailed out his anniversary package. I'm keeping busy and not worrying about it. I don't know how its going on his end obviously, but i hope well.

[Jgui]

im glad you're doing better!! and that you're okay when he doesn't respond to you. keep your head up high and in response to your "My only concern about this break is he'll realize he's better off without me. While i don't think that will happen it does weigh on my mind. I'm just hoping for the best outcome to all of this." don't think on the negative side, always keep reminding yourself that if things don't work out between you both it will ALWAYS be his lost.