Dealing with no end date

[hibou]

So this is my first thread and I would like some advice. Yesterday, me and my SO got into a really hard talk about what we wanted out of this relationship. I want a serious long term one, and he doesn't really want something so serious as it's the first relationship for both of us. I am fully committed to wait it out even when we don't have an end date but he's having some difficulty.

These are his reasons:
1. the distance - it's really hard on both of us, obviously, but he doesn't feel like he can be so committed to keep going without an end date
2. the fact that i seem to care a lot more about him than he does me. i'm always the one who's clingy and crying because i miss him and suffering a lot more than he is. he feels really guilty about this and thinks that it's not fair to me.
3. we originally had plans to move in together in the summer but he is having doubts now and feels like it's too serious for him even though we've been going out for a year and two months - three months ldr.

The last time he came, which was three weeks ago, he said that he really really believed that we will make it. But now he's not so sure anymore. I'm still in university for another two years, and he's graduated and living in a different city. He can't come live here because his french isn't good enough for him to get a good job. I want to move in with him once I graduate, and I really want us to have a life together, but it's still another two years away until I graduate. Right now, he's willing to keep trying because he loves me, but I don't know how long we can last anymore when one side has so many doubts....

I understand that it's his first relationship, as it is mine, and he wants to enjoy life more and not be so attached to one person. I get it. But it breaks my heart because I thought he wanted to get through it as much as I do. When we started, we met on okcupid, and we had no idea it would get so serious, but it did.

I just found out that sometimes, love isn't enough. If we were in CDR, it would be different. I read somewhere that three months into an ldr, you come upon a turning point. I guess this is ours.

So to all of you who have succeeded or is succeeding in their ldr when you didn't/don't have a closing the distance date, how did you do it? Any advice on how to encourage him and keep it going?

[Mara]

It sounds more like the seriousness of the relationship is bothering him more so than not having an end date.

Ideally, wouldn't the two of you close the distance after you graduate? So isn't that your "end date"?

My SO and I don't have an end date. It might be after I finish my undergrad or it might be sooner. It depends on so many things it's hard to say for sure when we will be able to bring our lives together. I don't know if we could work if we weren't committed to each other for the long term. If he wasn't the person I wanted to spend my life with, I don't think I could continue on without an end date and sometimes honestly, I still think I might not be able to.

The key is to just take everything a day at a time. If closing the distance isn't something the two of you can do right now, then look forward to the next visit and then after that visit the visit after that. There might come a time, honestly, when the distance becomes too much or one of you decides to end the relationship, but a person could decide to end a CDR too. No sense in meditating on it.

I guess it's just better to look at the glass as being half full instead of half empty.

[jlb14]

I went through this many time through-out my four year relationship. Until recently I was the one really striving to make it work when my SO seemed to want to party/not give the same level of commitment. Can I ask how old you both are? I ask because I started dating my SO when we were both 19. I was a little (okay a lot more) mature than my boyfriend. It took him until the past year to get out of crazy college student mode to semi-serious mode.

I did notice you've only been ldr for three months. Sometimes it takes an adjustment period. My SO and I have had to constantly change our communication styles if we find something doesn't work. What kinds of things do you do to keep in contact?

I know i'm jumping around a lot and asking many questions but the more you can think about what you want the easier it is to work towards happiness for both of you.

[Bethypoo]

When you say if things were CD things would be different, that says something.

A test of a relationship is being able to with stand distance. That is why I have been known to say that in some ways, LD couples are stronger than CD couples. With that being said, life happens and end dates can change. Opportunities come up and sometimes the time you are apart can be longer or shorter or the miles may extend or contract. You need to have a game plan yes, but you also need to allow for road bumps because life will give you many.

With first relationships it is hard not to get attached. I think that you need to take a step back. Realize that it IS your first relationship and you need to take things slow. You make be rushing into things while he wants to take things slow. One luxury of being in a LDR is that you can have the time to focus on yourself and get things done that you need to. But you still have the support of a significant other. You need to do that. Enjoy being in a relationship but also focus on yourself.

Love is enough when it is that. Love. But love is something that need to be built. Not something that should be rushed into.

We are all here for you. Just take a step back and breathe.

[kiara_silver]

We didn't have a end date in mind for two years, and we didn't know when or if we would meet the first year. It took us two years to finally meet in person. So there were a lot of what if's on our relationship as far as being together, and when. Like Mara said, taking it one day at a time. Having to confirm feelings in the beginning of our relationship not so much about how we felt but how committed we are. And then from there it was just we will be together one day, some how. Not giving up hope. Imagining our future together, picturing it. Our situations a bit dif though we started out LD so we sort of knew from the beginning this isn't like other relationships, and knew it would take commitment, so it was just about focusing on the long run, the thought of being together. It was knowing that its painful being apart, so no matter how hard it is i need you. Supporting your SO reassuring your feelings, because sometimes you need to do that when in a long distance relationship, since the other person can't see you, you have to tell them. Just doing things to try to make the distance easier, skype dates, phone calls, letters, anything to help make the time pass and stay connected.
Best of luck!

[elizabethjp2010]

ive been with my so for 2 and a half years, we have been LD for 2 of those years, we are both college students too. He is 20 and i am 19, This is our first serious relationship (seeing as we got together in HS) If you both dont feel its right, maybe its not right now, that DOESNT mean it wont be right one day, maybe even one day in the near future, when i first dated my SO we were together for four months than i broke up with him, about a year later we ended up getting back together. I say we both needed that time to grow, and mature. Because we had that time apart we never envy other people sleeping around and what not or feel like the other is holding us back, we just love each other and work through the distance

i am NOT saying we dont fight, we do, and the longer were apart the more we fight. when we havent seen each other in 8 weeks fireworks have been known to fly. but we see each other and are reminded how much we care about each other

[Silvaria]

So to all of you who have succeeded or is succeeding in their ldr when you didn't/don't have a closing the distance date, how did you do it? Any advice on how to encourage him and keep it going?

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. Even though you've not been together long, it's still tough to experience.

We don't have an end date, either, and we've been together for the "better part" of almost 3 years. He lives on the east coast of Canada, I live on the west coast of the U.S....we haven't seen each other since October of '09, when I flew to meet him. We had such incredible chemistry that we began to make plans for him to move here.

Unfortunately, they fell through completely in April of '10. It was devastating for both of us, and he lost morale. He broke up with me four months later, in August. He never said it outright, but he told me later that the loss of all our plans was just too much for him to take, and he didn't want to invest any more time in the relationship.

We were apart for 6.5 months, until February 20, 2011. That's the day he asked me to get back together. He said, "I want to give our relationship the chance it rightly deserves." We vowed to work towards being together for as long as it takes, and almost 9 months later, he is still committed to that goal, as am I.

Our reason for not having an end date is pure finances. We both live from paycheck to paycheck, because of the economy. I hope to take some college classes soon to improve my skills and hopefully be able to get a better job, but of course, that will take time. We don't even have the money for a visit, much less to move him here.

So, when will I see him again? That's a question I ask myself daily, and we talk about frequently. We've both come to accept that it may very well be 6 months or so, possibly next Spring. It isn't exactly a pleasant subject, but as long as we both want it, then we'll do what it takes.

And that, in my opinion, is the key...you can want to wait as long as it takes, but if he doesn't, then there's going to be nothing you can do. I'm sorry, I know that's not very encouraging, but it takes two to tango, as they say, and there's no way to force him to be willing to wait.

In the meantime, though, give him some space and keep the conversation light and cheerful. Try not to cry, and try not to cling. Show him how strong you can be about this, and hopefully, he'll follow suit.

[hibou]

I'm 20 and he's 24. We skype every day and try to keep in contact throughout the day with texts and phone dates. We're going to try to change our visiting schedules a bit since we don't live THAT far from each other - about a 5 to 6 hour drive. So we're going to try to see each other every two weeks

Thank you all for your replies Reading what you guys are going through lets me know that I'm not alone. We're going to try and take things slower and see how it goes from here. I'm going to try being more upbeat and take off the pressure that I'm giving him of *must* having to be together in the future.

[LatinButterfly]

My boyfriend and I recently had a similar conversation.
He and I have been together for a little over 2 years now. I am his first serious relationship and even though he is not my first boyfriend, he is the first and only one I have loved, the first and only one I've picture myself with in the future... =)
I go to graduate school and he is in college (has at least 4 more years to go). I am 26 and he is 25..

As you, we don't have an end date and knowing that in 8 months my time in Europe will come to an end, I wanted to know about the future of our relationship and where do we/the relationship stand.
I am applying to a Master degree in Germany (we will be still LD but just 1,5 hours away hehe) but if I am not granted admission I will go back to my country (Colombia) and try to find a job, organize my life,etc.. We love each other endlessly but we know it will be hard to keep the relationship from that far and without a plan of me coming to Europe again or him moving to Colombia... anyways, we know we will have to end the relationship. How sad is that? looking forward the next visit is amazing but looking forward the end is a torture and not motivating at all.
We looked at pros and cons, we cried, we laughed, we were honest to each other, we opened up,etc.. but at the end and knowing the circumstances, we were not able to break up... our love is too big and we love our story sooo much (yes, it's painful too but still) so we decided we wanted to stay together until hmm we don't know when... We decided to not look that far into the future and just focus on what we have now, we decided to live one day at a time and just be happy... to keep going with the flow like we have done the past 2+ years.. Man when we climbed into this boat we didn't know what were we getting ourselves into and here we are after 2+ years.. stronger than ever!

You guys are young, don't let thoughts about the future make you take decisions you might later regret, don't put any pressure, don't push.. just go with the flow (it has worked for us). Live!!

P.S: We share the same anniversary date! =) with a year difference of course.. Stay happy, enjoy life!
*Hugs*

[lucybelle]

Gotta say, without a closing the distance date, I wouldn't be up for the relationship. There's plenty of couples on here that say they would "wait forever", I'm not one of them. I told my SO that max LD I could handle was 3 years, we closed the distance after 2. We both knew that if we had been LD for much longer, we would have broken up. That's just how we are. It's not that we don't believe in the relationship, we just aren't the couple who can "wait forever". He might not be a wait forever guy. Try to figure out a rough plan of when you could close the distance, that might help.

[Bethypoo]

Gotta say, without a closing the distance date, I wouldn't be up for the relationship. There's plenty of couples on here that say they would "wait forever", I'm not one of them.

I also agree with this to an extent. Because it has nothing to do with not loving them enough but then i couldn't not be with the man I love for longer than need be. Eventually something would have to bend and if neither of us would then we would have a problem.

We have a general plan for no more than 3 more years. Only because he is planning on joining the military. And I have my life and cant live with him unless we get married. And that is a bridge that we will cross when we get to it.

[Dziubka]

It sounds more like the seriousness of the relationship is bothering him more so than not having an end date.

That's my impression, too.


But regarding having no end date:
I'm not in the "I'll wait forever" camp, but it all depends on the relationship. I wouldn't do a transatlantic ldr with visits once or twice a year at most, for a very long time. I just couldn't do it.
But my boyfriend and I live 'only' about 1000km away and we visit pretty regularly (at least once a month, but usually more often). We don't have an end date right now, because there's too many unknowns. He's applying for uni in Germany (we'd still be ldr, but half the distance), but we don't know if he gets in. If not, he might move in with me and try to find a job over here and try for uni again in fall, but then I'm most likely moving to his city (in Poland) by then. So the only thing we know is once we both finish uni we'll try to move in together. But even then, if we don't find jobs in the same city and one of us won't earn enough to support both of us... we'd have to figure something out again.

So basically: no end date. We might end up closing the distance in April or not at all for another 2,5 years.
BUT while I hate being LDR, as long as we see each other fairly often I'm ok with it, especially considering the alternatives.