Where to go for Christmas

[snow_girl]

We've been long distance the previous two christmases and this year I said that I would stay in the Uk with him so we could celebrate together.

I figured that we would celebrate it at our home together. Wake up in the morning and open gifts, start our own traditions together. I talked to him about this in July and he agreed. He had planned on getting his license by xmas so that we could rent a car and drive down in the afternoon for xmas dinner. (which he still hasn't got)

On the weekend, I was talking to his friends gf when all of the sudden two of his friends looked at me and said "You are coming back for christmas!" It really put me on the spot and didn't really say anything.

We talked about it the next day and now he wants to go home for xmas with his family and also so he can go out for curry xmas eve with his friends. I was kind of peeved as I had already expressed ages ago that I wanted it to be our first xmas together, not me and his family.

His family is great but I kinda want to be able to spend it our own way and I think it would be awkward it being his family and then just me while they all open gifts. I think it would be nice to go to his families for xmas dinner and then spend the next three days with them.

Maybe I'm being dumb and selfish about it. I could be at home with my family, it could be the last chance at one last family xmas since my sister will be at my parents this year.I've also considered going back since I've been sick. I'm not trying to be like If I can be with mine then neither should he. But I know that if we were both living back in Canada I wouldn't make him go back to my parents I would be excited to spend my first xmas with just us.

Is it unfair of me to not want to spend christmas with his family? I just think that after a while when you grow up you don't have to be there in the morning with your parents to open gifts. I feel like it shouldn't be such a big deal, but I've had this vision of the perfect morning in my head since last xmas. What is the point of even getting a tree if we aren't going to be here to use it?

[Mara]

Can the two of you make some sort of compromise like you mentioned where you would go to his family's for dinner?

I don't personally think you're being unfair at all, but I think everyone's has different sentiments and feelings towards the holidays.

Last year, my boyfriend went home for Christmas and spent a few weeks there. I was quite pissed at first because I wanted us to spend Christmas together as we had the year before, but I thought about it and realized it might be one of his last chances to spend Christmas with his family whereas if we stay together we'll have a lifetime of Christmases together. I was invited to his family's Christmas celebrations, but I opted to spend Christmas at home with my family. I felt it would be weird to be there when they were all opening gifts though later I found out his mother had actually bought and wrapped some gifts for me under the tree.

This is something I think the two of you need to talk about and try to work out some sort of compromise that you both will be happy with and maybe even talk about future Christmases and how you will handle it [whether you will visit family, stay at home, etc.]

[lucybelle]

It's my first Christmas with my SO too, I keep asking him what we're going to do and he doesn't really tell me anything. I'm like you, and I'd really prefer for it to just be us, and then go to his family's house for lunch or dinner or something. But his family is right around the corner, so it's not like it's a big travel.

I know you want to spend Christmas with him, but are there other pre-Christmas traditions you could start? Like decorating your apartment together, buying lights, picking out a tree, wrapping presents, etc? When we get a tree, I want an angel for the top and it's really important to me that my SO is with me to pick it out. So it can be "our" angel and "our" tree. Can you do something like that?

[snow_girl]

I figured our compromise could be spend Christmas morning together then head to his parents for the next few days. He still though hasn't gotten around to getting his license which bugs me cause he has had months and months to do it. There are no trains that run christmas as far as I know so that would mean I would have to rent a car under my name and I don't have a problem with it but it might cost a little more since I am not quite 25.

[elizabethjp2010]

this is the first christmas my boyfriend and i will be spending together (the past two we celebrated early) we talked about it and we are doing a special just us christmas before, prob the 23rd and we are to spend christmas morning with our own families than have christmas lunch at his house and christmas dinner at my house.

maybe you could talk to him about just you guys celebrating early, or doing the morning just yall than the evening with his family. He might feel that christmas is a holiday that you spend with family or something

[London-FortCollins]

I dont *think* rental cars cost more in the UK if your under 25 like in the States. However I dont drive either (HOW am I 24 and not gotten my license yet!) so dont quote me on this! Check out smartcar too - they might be helpful.

Christmas is a funny one. I know what you mean about wanting to start your own traditions together - thats what me and my SO were planning to do.

I dont think your selfish for wanting that, but there should be some compromise as Christmas is important for families too and it all comes down to how you handle it.

Talk to him calmly about it at a neutral time. (ie not if an argument about it may aleady be brewing)

[LilyChiba]

My ex is 27 and still doesn't have his license, so I don't think you have anything to worry about lol. I've been driving him around for 5 years now. And my SO is 25 and doesn't have his either. But I'll be making sure he gets it, since I don't really like having to be relied upon all the time. I have still yet to spend a christmas with my SO in person, and I don't think I will be next year either. So that will be 3 christmases spent apart. However, by the time it does come, I imagine I will either just want to be at home with him or only spend half a day at his families. Starting a new tradition is nice and all, but that could always wait until you are there permanently. Compromising is probably the best at this point. However, tell him to knuckle down and get his license haha. I shuffled around it for 4 years and it ended up being part of the reason my ex and I broke up. It's really too handy not to have, even if you don't have a car. I don't know how the license systems work anywhere else, but here you can't get a straight up license to drive without having a person who has had a full one for at least a year. Ah well though.

[Bethypoo]

I feel like this is a big deal for a lot of people not just people in LDR but people who are planning on sharing their lives together. I do not think that you are being unreasonable at this moment. BUT, at some point things will change. Family get bigger and at times they grow apart and usually couples have to split holidays. And if you are planning on being together for the rest of your lives, he will have to open presents at your parents and vice versa. This will just be the first of many times. But I don't think that he is unreasonable for wanting to open gifts and such with his family christmas morning. I honestly think that you should do his thing for christmas and then take your few days after for it to be the two of you. But then I think that he should be with your family next year.

This is something my SO and I discussed awhile ago. I have a big family and his is small and somewhat fragmented these days. As a child, we always spent the actual holiday with my moms family and then the weekend before or after with my dads. I honestly loved this. I never had to be like my cousins who spent half the day with their moms family and the other half with their dads. I feel like I got good time with both families. So this is something that I told my SO that I would want to do and that it was something of a big deal for me. He was fine with it.

All in all, I think you have to realize that you two can start you own traditions but that some of those traditions are going to involve his family. You cant ask him to change that. Its a major holiday, and as important as you are, his family is important too.

Hope that helps somewhat.

[snow_girl]

@LilyChiba My SO is also 27. I keep telling him he needs to get his license otherwise when we go to Canada he is going to have a hard time getting around and he'll be stuck with a useless learners license for two years before he can get an actual one. If he gets it in the UK he can just switch it to a canadian one when we move.

@Bethypoo I'm not wanting to cut family out entirely. I just would like us to have some us time before we see his family. If we were back at my home we wouldn't be opening gift with my parents we'd do it on our own then go see them for dinner. We also wouldn't get to spend the next few days after together cause his plan is that we'd be there from xmas eve for like 5 or 6 days. We can't really do anything before cause it would be during the week and after just seems like it'd be already over and done with. All I want is the morning with him. I do understand where you are coming from though and I don't know why I am being stubborn.

[snow_girl]

I haven't talked to him since I posted this, I wrote him trying to explain better my point of view so that when we talk he understand where I am coming from, I haven't given it to him yet cause I don't know if it sounds like crap, thought i'd run it by you guys first?

I think it is important to tell you how I feel and this has always been the easiest method for me to get everything I am thinking out so thats why I am writing this rather then just saying it. Maybe this way I can explain better why I would like to have Christmas with you, here. I want to be excited to buy a tree. I want to spend an evening with you decorating it drinking rum and eggnog. I want to make the house festive and open advent calendars with you every day. I want to lay by the tree with you christmas eve listening to christmas music and drinking hot chocolate maybe with some ben and jerry's and a fort (remember?) I want to sleep backwards and I want to sleep in on Christmas day and open our socks together. I want to wonder in at our own pace to the living room still in our pjs and make a baileys latte before sitting under the tree and opening gifts together. I want to make a big breakfast with you then play around with the gifts we received and watch Christmas movies. I want to go for a snowy walk with you and enjoy each others company. I want to cook dinner together, I know lots of christmas meals I don't think it matters if we are in Watford, if the song we've decided is ours, then home is where ever you are and if that meant the middle of nowhere it doesn't make any difference because I'm there to spend it with you, not the place that surrounds us.

I understand that you feel the need to go home for Christmas, as its been something we both have grown up with and know, but we are both adults now and I think your parents would understand that we have a life that involves each other and it doesn't mean always being there to open gifts in the morning. You said what if this is your last Christmas with them, well what if I've already had my last xmas with mine? Just because we are not there Christmas morning doesn't mean that you can't spend christmas with them. Ideally I would like to go to your parents on boxing day and they can open the gifts from you and you from them and spend a few days there afterwards. I've thought about what will happen if you come to Canada, and I think that your parents should come for christmas or us to theirs sometimes, I'm not trying to take that away from you, but since last christmas I have thought so much about our first christmas together. This will be our 3rd christmas together, and I don't want to wait another year for us to have our first one. You know how I feel now, its up to you now to decide what is important to you and what you want to do, it's up to you. If you decide that you want one more Christmas with your family I'll understand and give it to you, but I might do the same then as well.

[Zephii]

It's a good letter

I hear you on this. Obi and I haven't had a Christmas alone either. Last year was the first year in our own place, but my family were sleeping under the tree lol. I never thought about what it might be like if it were just us two, but reading your post made me exacited for it.

Also I agree that there will be plenty of years in the future where you'll either be staying with his family or yours. It wont be the last one... and the last one either of you had as kids, well that was a while ago.
Goodluck

[snow_girl]

I gave it to him and he said that he agrees with everything that I wrote, he said he had looked at trains for boxing day and none are running. So I asked if we could go down the following day and then what he really thought came out. He said that he doesn't see any point in going down after because then everything is over and that he doesn't want to feel stuck where we live. Most importantly it is tradition to go out with his friends on christmas eve. I don't understand why it would be pointless to go down after if he plans on staying after if we went before. He keeps saying we'll have to compromise but I seem to be the one that is always having to bend around what I want to do. I already am willing to give up christmas with my family for him and he can't seem to get past dinner with his buddies.

Sorry if this is more of a rant, I'm tired of him telling me things then going back on them. He said he agreed on this in july then goes back on it. I told him I wanted to go away the weekend of our anniversary and he agreed but then talking to his mom on the phone one night he jumped at her invitation to go to his aunt and uncles the same weekend. It is his grandpas brithday granted but when I mentioned after about what about going away he was like oh i forgot.

The only thing I can thing of is having christmas a day early at home together, going though the motions as if it were christmas before going to his but his lack of wanting to meet halfway if making me want to just go home more and more.

[leonsfangirl]

I can see where your coming from, it sucks that he keeps changing his mind and spending your first christmas together is important too. How often will he get to spend christmas with his family and friends once you move back to Canada? The public transport here is a joke during christmas (my ex and dad were the only drivers and therefore taxi's for everybody over christmas)
What are you planning for the New Year? maybe you could spend christmas in one place and New Year in another?

[Riyko]

Honestly if he's going to be like that and just keep going back on what he's agreed to, if i were you i'd just go home for christmas, tell him if our plans aren't important to you then i'd rather spend christmas with people who care.