Confused heart

[AllieOOp]

I haven't posted before, been a long time lurker. Anyway, my boyfriend and I have been together off and on for the past 9 years.. The past 2 we've solidly been dating. He lives in Minneapolis and I live in Madison. It’s not THAT far away, but long enough that it's 4 hour drive and extremely frustrating. I graduated college 3 years ago, and after some time in Afghanistan he finally graduated this past Christmas. He’s 26 and I’ll be 26 on Sunday.

When we were in high school and college we dated other people at times but tried to do the distance while we both were in college. It was fine, I was used to it, but now I have gotten frustrated.

Two weeks ago, I stopped talking, well not STOPPED but the amount of texting I was doing dropped off drastically. I was pissed, frustrated, and I couldn’t and can’t make the feeling go away. I told him that I didn’t feel right. My heart wasn’t feeling the same way it always had. This has been going on since then. We’ve emailed about it but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been quite stressed, between my gallery opening that will be this weekend and work and I had just gone on a maternity shoot and had a lot of work with that. I don’t know how to fix this feeling, I have loved him for so long I can’t fathom falling out of love with him or not being with him. He still loves me and I think I still love him, but I don’t know if I still do. I want to chalk this feeling up to not seeing each other as much and not talking as much. But I don’t know if that’s it. I have told him that I don’t want to move up to Minneapolis because moving like that freaks me out from having moved so much as a kid. I haven’t moved in 13 years (besides going to college) and I can’t do it. I want him to find a job closer to me, and his mom and then maybe in a few years we can move somewhere together? Is that too much to ask? I am so frustrated with him not ever looking for a job, he currently works 2nd/3rd shift in a job that is a student job which will end in a few months. When he isn’t working or sleeping he’s pissing away the day, playing video games or whatever, not looking for a job like I think he should be. His apartment lease expires soon, and I want him to get his ass in gear and figure something out!

This past week I’ve had a really bad cold and spent most of the weekend sleeping, he texted frequently to see how I was feeling but I can’t get my heart to feel the way it used to. This weekend is my birthday and I would love for him to be home but he’s got military stuff all weekend, so he’s not coming home. Next weekend I’m having my gallery reception for my art show, he was supposed to be working but he’s apparently gotten off. I want to spend time with him but I’ll be busy with that and mother’s day and my sister is coming home to celebrate my birthday with me and see me. Weekends when she is home and my boyfriend it’s super hard, because they don’t really get along. He wants cuddle time but I am terrified that will end up as me crying and trying to fix my confused heart time :/

Sorry for the rambling. I'm soo confused!

[lunamea]

I'm in Minneapolis, too! LOL It's a small world.

I think I know that kind of feeling, I also get it. I guess it may be something that has been developing for a long time, that you didn't really notice too much and then it suddenly hits you that you feel differently. It may just be a phase that will pass, though. Usually, it helped me when I really thought through breaking up in detail and somewhere along, when I pictured my life without my husband, I realized that I still love him and didn't want to live without him. Then again, it may also be a symptom of you really falling out of love.
I can't really give you useful advice, but I think you should talk to your bf about it and see if your current feeling changes again. Then, you can also try to find a compromise for the living situation.

[AllieOOp]

he and I talked about it, he doesn't want to lose me and I don't know what I'd do without him as my best friend. I do like Minneapolis, I just can't get my self to move there, I'd need a roommate and my other best friend who I lived with in college doesnt' want a roommate ever again, even though we lived well together. and I know I couldn't afford to live alone, and he can't either. He needs to not live with his best friend anymore and I don't think he's going to change that this time around (his lease expires in may) and because his stupid roommate/best friend is always at the apartment I have only stayed there once, we always stay in hotels when I come up, which is expensive for me and no fun! I want him to cook for me! I dont want him out of my life, because I dont think I'd ever find anyone who loves me like he does after all this time! I hope once summer comes and things start being fun with us again. I also think part of my feeling started when he told me he was going to the Twins game instead of looking for a job one day, I "was" supposed to be happy about that.. but SOOOO wasn't b/c HELLO twins game without me. HOW RUDE. Baseball is a thing we do together!! (well I do without him b/c he won't come to brewer games in Milwaukee with me lol)

[Mio]

I hope you can figure it out soon!

[AllieOOp]

I hope you can figure it out soon!

Thanks.


I think what also is bothering me and I don't know if I should be freaking out or not, but when he was home last and we had sex(unprotected) I had apparently somehow missed one of my birth control pills. I NEVER do that so I don't know how that happened, but the way I take them I go 3 packs before getting my period, and now i should be getting it this week, but there's no sign... and that's totally got me worried! Not sure if it's irrational or not.. but oh man I really hope it comes soon!

[AllieOOp]

I just got flowers delivered to me from him, at work, for my birthday. They are really pretty, but I didn't get that omg omg I love him sooo much feelling. UGH. I've never wanted a feeling to go away as much as I do this uncertainty. He'll be home hopefully Friday for the weekend, to go to my gallery opening and celebrate my birthday with me (meaning go to dinner with my family.. which could be interesting since my sister will also be here)

[Zephii]

Please excuse my bluntness here, but your situation perplexes me, seriously - so I'm just going to say it how I see it.
First, I think he is quite immature and needs to grow up.
Other than that, with an LDR someone has to move to close the gap. It's a hard sacrifice and sometimes that alone is enough to break a strong couple. You need to compromise somehow, but I get the impression he's too immature to do so. I understand your reluctance to move too, but "I don't want to" isn't really a good reason in the face of making the relationship work
I think it's odd that there is some hesitance with him interacting with your family and you interacting with his house mate. That just seems suss to me. Why doesn't he want you in his home?

That feeling though is a disconcerting one. I had a few bouts of that a couple of weeks back - I thought that after moving all this way, giving up so much and everything, that I just didn't love him anymore. I couldn't feel it. But it turned out that was just self-protective instinct, that was how my mind delt with loving someone I no longer trusted and the loads of resentment i was carrying. I'd come to a point where despite loving him I didn't think I could do this anymore - I was ready to fly home and deal with the heartbreak rather than remain unhappy - and that all somehow pushed the love I had for him so far down that I couldnt feel it anymore.
So perhaps that like me, you do love him - you just have too much other stuff going on? Perhaps you see the difficulties of closeing the gap and are preparing to take the other way out?

Good luck to you, let us know how you go?