Am I being paranoid?

[efish1042]

I'm actually pretty nervous about posting this here, but I figured I would give it a try. My best friend was entirely unhelpful so I kind of ran out of options.
To begin with, I am vehemently against all forms of questionable activity besides drinking alcohol. I am not here to have a discussion about personal views on this issue tho.
In the first few months of your relationship, my SO (with the influence of his brother and some "friends") began taking part in an activity that I don't condone. He knew I would disapprove and so he lied to me about it for over a month. It finally came out when a friend mentioned it at a party (his "going away" party, might I add). He took a casual stance that bespoke the attitude "get-over-it".
I was offended, betrayed, hurt, and shocked. At first, I tried to be open minded about it, but found that it was something I just couldn't do. I told him this and it came at a time when his activities had recently made him sick. I told him it was his choice: the activity or me. He easily chose me. He said it wasn't worth it and he could barely think about the activity without feeling sick currently.
I am all for compromise and talking issues out. I hate giving an ultimatum, but this is one issue that I cannot back down on. I don't want it in my life.
That was 2 years ago.
I recently discovered that he had picked up this activity again, as he is now living with his brother and his brother's friend. We were at a party and the activity started taking place behind closed doors. I wasn't happy about it at all, but it wasn't my house so I left it alone. Then my SO asked if he could join them, since it was his birthday. I told him I wasn't happy about it, but I wouldn't stop him and I wouldn't nag him about it later. Then I kissed him and I smelled it on him. I asked "You already have, haven't you?" Guiltily, he admitted it.
I had to ask, "This isn't the first time since before either, is it?" He admitted it wasn't.
"How many times?" He admitted that it was twice before that night. The first time was early August when he first moved in with his brother and friend. They got him drunk and he didn't remember much after that, but knew he participated in the activity. The second time was the middle of October when he had a really stressful time with school and couldn't find a way out of his dilemma. He said the activity helped him find a solution.
We had a discussion that we had to carry over into the next day since it was late. We both admit that we will never agree on the issue of the activity itself. I told him, "You know this is a deal breaker for me." I thought he understood in the first incident. He paused, very shocked, and said, "Well, then I guess that's it then."
Of course I panicked. He quickly remedied, "In a good way! No! I knew you didn't like it, but I didn't realize it was a deal breaker. It's not worth it."
Now... he says that. But it doesn't help the paranoia. It took me months to start trusting him completely again after the lied to me for so long. This time... I mean, it at least was not a habit as with the first time and it was much easier to get him to confess to it, but he still lied to me about it.
I don't think I would worry as much is he didn't live with his brother and his friend now, but they have that kind of thing going on frequently as do their friends and gf's. They also share the same view on it that my SO does. The friend, I know, is also of the "you're pussy-whipped" type rather than the "you're respectful of your gf" type. My SO gets stressed quite a lot lately, but doesn't like to talk to me about it much because he doesn't like to worry me.
So now I'm worried that he is going to get stressed or something and his brother and friend will talk him into participating again and tell him to "stop being so whipped, she doesn't need to know." The first night back home, I worried so much I got sick to my stomach.
I trust him. It's his brother and his influence that I don't trust. My SO realizes that his brother is prone to mistakes, but still looks up to him- like a brother does, you know?
A.) Am I being paranoid or is it reasonable to worry this much?
B.) Is there anything I can do but wait and hope?

[elizabethjp2010]

honestly i dont think youre being paranoid. If you feel that way you feel that way, if he has lied to you before than you have reason to suspect.... you need to decide what you think is the best thing for you. if you cant trust him, or dont think youre able to again you need to break up with him. If its something that could hurt you and or him than you need to protect yourself first; he should respect you enough to not do it if you dont want him to....

sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear but good luck honey!!! i really hope it works out!!!!

[Mara]

I know it's hard because of the situation and because of the fact that he's lied to you about it before, but you have to trust him. He's told you he won't do it again and you have to trust and believe that he won't.

I do think at the same time though you have to know what you are going to do if you catch him doing it again. This is the second time now and if I were you I would be a little worried too that he'll just continue to lie to you about it so that he won't lose you and he won't have to stop.

[Minerva]

I honestly find the lying more worrying than the activity.

The thing is, if this activity is what I think it is, there are a lot of people who don't think it's a big deal. Much of the time it's met with a shrug and disinterest. The police around here don't even arrest for it unless it's obvious someone is dealing (not sure how it is by you).

So he may have thought that it isn't a big deal and it was easier to lie than risk your anger. But you've now made it clear it's a dealbreaker, so I hope he takes you seriously. If he lies again about this, you have to decide, as Mara said, how serious you are about it, because if he does it again, he's going against what you've both agreed upon.

In short, I don't think you're paranoid. But now that you've made a clear agreement and he knows how seriously you feel about this, it's time to move beyond the past and try to trust him.

[Bethypoo]

I dont think you are being paranoid. He has lied to you about it a few times therefore giving you reason to worry right now (which is opposite of what Mara said but that is my opinion). You have let him know that it is a deal breaker and now you need to be strong about that. In relationships there are things that we all compromise on, but there are things that we WILL NOT compromise on. He either needs to respect that, especially since you had let go the first few times it happened.

At this point, you cant be a nag about it, but you just have to have your guard up. He does need to earn that trust back or he needs to figure out what to do. But you just have to wait and see what is going to happen. And that my dear may be the hardest part.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I'm honestly not intending to be snarky, but, is there a reason why you're being so cryptic about this "activity"? Because it's sort of obvious what it is, and there have been discussions about it before here.

[Zapookie]

I think the main problem here is that he's been lying about it. However, if he wants to participate in this "activity" (if its what I think it is), there is no way that you can force him to stop. I think as long as he isn't hurting himself or anyone else, and he's not making a habit of it, then it's really only his business as long as he doesn't do it around you.

I think the best thing is that if he's going to do it though, you can ask him to tell you and just be honest about it instead of hiding it. I think that's the best approach in this situation.

My boyfriend used to do it, and I was cool with it, so long as he was still aware of what he was doing and wasn't turning to it to forget about his problems. It was a leisurely thing. It didn't change him as a person. He has stopped now, though. I will still stand by him whatever he does.

[Engel]

I dont think smoking pot is such a big deal, but if it is for you, and you made it clear to him that it is a dealbreaker for you, the future of your relationship is now in his hands. (pun not intended, but didnt know how else to put this into words)

---------- Post added at 07:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:51 AM ----------

I think the main problem here is that he's been lying about it.

exactly. no matter what happens, i never lie to my SO. and would hate if i found my so to be lying to me. that for me is more of a deal breaker than the marijuana, but i think he did it because he knew you would be mad and he wanted to avoid that. not saying he is right, because he isnt.

[garnet]

I don't think you're being paranoid. From my own experience with my ex husband, he always lied, never quit. (Different activity.) Due to that, it's skewed my trust, and general feelings about situations like this. I don't know if he'll do it again, but I would personally prepare myself for it, and like the others have said, know exactly how I would handle it.

[lucybelle]

My SO was a smoker (cigs and pot) and hid it from me. For 2 years. And I can tell you right now, if I had known he smoked cigarettes, I would have never went out with him. It's a huge deal breaker for me.

So now he's quit for 9 months. Smoking indoors here is still allowed and when we go to bars, clubs, or when he feels stressed he still always wants a smoke. I get worried that he'll smoke "just one cigarette". Almost all his friends and his entire family smoke. I get worried when he disappears in bars that he's gone off to have a smoke.

But in the end, I just have to trust him. I can't (and won't) trail him every where he goes and make sure he never touches a cigarette. I have to believe that I'm more important than smoking. You have to do this too.

[Jgui]

I agree with those who says the main point here is him lying to you. With that said, I personally dont find smoking pot (If that is what he's smoking) to be the issue. You've told him this is a deal breaker for you and he say he'll stop. I think what you should do now is to give him support in quitting. There are people who may be bad influence in his life and there nothing you can really do. What you can do is help him overcome the pressure and influence.

[efish1042]

Thanks everyone. I realize that I'm just going to have to trust him on this, and cross that bridge if we come to it, which I sincerely hope we don't. He now know its a deal breaker and I have to believe that he puts our relationship first. I talked to him last night and I realize I'm just going to have to trust him and wait for time to rebuild trust was lost.
Also, thank you for the personal insight, lucybelle. It helps to see that you aren't alone, even when you logically know you aren't.

is there a reason why you're being so cryptic about this "activity"?

I have not explicitly mentioned what the activity is because I don't think it matters. What matters is that I'm not okay with it. I respect your curiosity tho.