I don't know what to do!

[Ahmadk]

I've met my girlfriend through Facebook. She was in Egypt and I was in Jordan. That was around 1 year ago and we really liked each other. 1 month later she decided to come to Jordan because we wanted to know how it would be in real life, and so we did. Since then, we've been living together. 2 months ago she had a job offer that is great, the problem is that it's in Iraq and we discussed it and agreed that she should take it. She moved to Iraq 3 weeks ago then it all started to get complicated.
She broke up with me because she doesn't want me to go through these hard times because she knows that I'm too sensitive and also because she has to focus on her work. That made me go all crazy. I really lost it and felt like it's the end of the world for me.
We have talked in the past few days and she told me that she will have to stay there for at least 5 years and she will not be able to see me more than twice a year, a couple of weeks each and that's why she made this decision of breaking up. We have discussed LDR and we are both willing to try it, maybe me more than her because she sounded like if she doesn't wanna make an effort because she feels that it's not gonna work. I actually don't know what to do. I feel that if I go on with this relationship that it's gonna be so hard that it will exhaust me, and if I don't try that I will regret it my whole life. Can anyone give me an advice and is 2 times a year a bad thing? By the way, I can't get a visa to Iraq so I can't go and visit her.

Thank you all.

[kiara_silver]

Its possible. Me and my SO made it two years to first meet and again now waiting 9 months. I personally know I could Handle waiting only seeing him twice a year. If I had to. But this is extremely hard. And for it to work both have to want it. It sounds like she may not have her heart fully in this relationship, which might make it difficult. But it can work out if you both work hard at it. I hope all works well, take things one day at a time. I would say work and save up so you can also go see her. Best of luck to the both of you!

[uniquefem]

I met my SO twice per year.... well last time we meet after 7 months apart.. so far so good.. as long as the communications going through i think it will be ok.

I think some people here also rarely met in a year.. your case not that worse i think. If you think its worth the hassle then you should continue and hang on this relationship... but if its too complicated and instead being happy but you get stressed out and depress.. oh well its your decision... no one know what the future will be.. you right about regrets thats what i dont want too.. if you're not trying hard enough for something that you know will made you happy, you will regret it

[Bethypoo]

There are alot of people who see each other less than two times a year. SO i think that it is entirely possible. I just think that it depends on the commitment of the people. If she is giving up because it is to hard, then i personally think that is a horrible excuse. It is hard, but if it is to be with the one you love then it is worth it.

I think she is just going through alot at this moment. Moving and starting a new job is a big deal. It will take some time for her to adjust. Ask her not to make any decisions until she gets settled into her new life. Reassure her that you want to be with her and that you are willing to put in the extra effort that a LDR takes.

[Jgui]

"If there is a will, there is a way"

I think it will work out if both parties are committed to making this LDR work. It won't be easy but it's possible and it takes a lot of dedication and commitment to pull through with the distance. There are all sorts of communication tools that you both can use to see each other without being psychically together. And there are couples on this forum who only get visits 1-2 times per year and been together for years!

[LilyChiba]

If I could see my SO twice a year I'd be ecstatic. I haven't seen him yet at all, even though its been nearly 2 lol. But I agree, if there is a will there is a way. Both have to be as willing and committed as each other.

[msskunk]

There will be a way for you both, if you want to try.
It been a year I never meet my bf, and our last meeting only for 10 hours. But we can make it through for a year and will be more!

[rhomy]

Nobody said it was easy... but it is possible.
She can't decide to break up not to hurt you. That's your decision to make.

Here you have plenty of examples that it is possible.
But both of you should be willing to make the effort.

[Ahmadk]

Personally, I think that it's possible. I was planning to propose to her on our anniversary which was 1st November, but she was in Iraq and we didn't expect her to stay until then, her boss made her stay for some work. I've discussed getting engaged with her but she doesn't want to because she thinks that it unfair for me. I showed her your comments and she said that it's different, she said that mostly long distance relationships are between people who've never met but I'm sure that it's not the case. Since we know each other in person and know exactly how it feels and how perfect it is, it will be worth it more, I can imagine how it's gonna be once she's back here and it really pisses me off that she's afraid to try!

[uniquefem]

errrhhh... maybe half of this website meet their SO already and they did LDR its pretty common these day????

Example for those who works in oil and gas at offshore processing??they went home every 3 months to see their girl friend or wife... and those who works in cruise ship also same... and these people haha they meet their wife and gf for sure before they had LDR!!

Maybe its her, she doesn't want this... sorry to say.

Ps. i met my SO before when i travel to Macau.. and then we separate for 7 months back to our country, he was back to Germany and i went back to Indonesia.

[weetzie]

Tell her you're willing to make the effort and do the long distance relationship, and see what she says? Maybe she's worried you won't want to? I spent years thinking I couldn't be with my SO because he didn't want to do long distance, but he was willing! And now we're together.

If it's just not her thing, then maybe it won't happen, but see what she says. We will all tell you it's possible!

[ioanna]

Hey there!

first of all welcome to LFAD! i hope you'll find the support you need in this community that has become like a family to me

transition from being close distance to long distance can be very hard. seeing each-other only a handful of times a year is, too. it can even be harder when you'll be doing this for an extended period of time. but consider the alternative. what choice do you have? would you rather not be together? My SO and I were living together for 4 years prior to his departure. for over 2 years now we have been apart, separated by 12000KM / a 10 hour time difference/ very busy lifestyles . we manage to see each-other twice a year. it is certainly very different than what we were used to, and the first year was very difficult, but we make the best of what we can have.

i just wanted to talk about my personal experience as a reply to this "I showed her your comments and she said that it's different, she said that mostly long distance relationships are between people who've never met but I'm sure that it's not the case."

your SO is right though, in saying every relationship is different, just as every couple and individual is different. the argument of it not being "fair" to you has no weight in my opinion. maybe she doesn't think she can cope, but doesn't want to admit it. you both need to be willing to put a lot of energy (and emotional energy too, as it can be draining) and invest in your LDR, and there's no shame in admitting to yourself that you can't do it...

i wish you lots of luck in figuring things out, and الله يحميها for your SO, Iraq is not an easy playground..


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EDIT: I just wanted to add something i forgot to talk about because to me it's obvious not being able/ willing to go through being LD doesn't mean you don't love each-other. not every one is cut out for this, not everyone can handle it, and honestly, no Love is not enough, and Love does not conquer all.
in theory yes, all is very positive and rosy, but come to the day to day things, you need to be able to dedicate a lot of time and energy to your partner, deal with conflicting schedules and the frustration of not being together. you might also need to accept the lack of everything i just listed. you will probably have to accept to delay your need for support at times when communication is not available... so i can fully understand when someone says that they can not do this.

[Ahmadk]

Thanks everyone for your comments
@ioanna: Other than the fact that this is so hard, Iraq is not safe and I'm the whole time being afraid that something would happen to her, but seems like she doesn't care about her personal safety. What frustrates me the most is that all of this happened without even planning and I'm waiting for her to be back to Jordan to discuss it. She told me that she loves me but she thinks that it's not fair towards me because I have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and sometimes I really need someone next to me. But in my whole life, I couldn't let anyone close to me. If anyone would even hug me I'd feel so scared and insecure and she's the only one in the world that I can feel safe next to. I still want to try even though it's gonna be so damn hard for me and I know that it's gonna be as hard for her because she was never happy with anyone before and I'm the only one who could make her happy. In the other hand, I can understand why she accepted the offer. All her life she was treated as a failure by her family and society because she didn't finish school and she had to take this crappy jobs and now she has the chance to prove herself. Everything is just confuses me and the pain does not stop!

[Kerry]

seeing each other only twice a year is what my bf I have to contend with- and we both live in the USA. so I think seeing someone you really love and care about twice a year is ok.

[ioanna]

i can totally relate to being unprepared to face going LD. my SO and I were dating for over 4 years prior to going LD and there was always the possibility of him leaving at some point, and when he did it was crushing, to both of us. point is, no matter how much you discuss things, you are never fully prepared. communication is key here, so is taking time to test things through. how do you know if you can go through it or not if you don't give it a try? it will hurt if it doesn't work out, same as it will hurt if you cut things rightnow... the way i see it, you have nothing to loose. PTSD can be a pain, and i can imagine what a big difference finding someone you can rely on, that supports you emotionally, intellectually and physically that brings. the link you two share isn't easily replaceable, she must see that.
life is not fair, as much as we would like it to be... you just have to make the best of the situations you choose to be in...