No "I love you" after a year...

[Snap]

I didn't want to have to make this thread, but after talking to some people, I'm concerned.

As the title implies, my bf and I have been dating for a little over a year and he has yet to say "I love you." Initially, I didn't have a problem with that. My ex boyfriend used to tell me all the time that he loved me although his actions proved otherwise. Oh boy, did they prove otherwise... That led me feeling jaded towards that phrase. I see so many people in relationships telling their SO that they love them and yet their actions don't match. That really annoys me and I don't want to be in that situation again.

My current boyfriend is not very expressive verbally about his emotions and he's been this way since his teens. That's another reason why I initially didn't have a problem with him not telling me that he loves me. He seems to be comfortable expressing his feelings with actions. As far as I can tell, he treats me well. If I have a problem, he is attentive and listens. He does little favors for me. The biggest thing he does for me is gives me his time. He's very busy with school and work and that's caused him to fall out of touch with a lot of his friends. However, he still makes time to talk to me almost every night on the phone and although he doesn't have time to make visits to where I live, he spends a lot of time with me when I visit him. I know that I'm distracting him from school and he hasn't been as productive as he used to be before he was dating me. But he still spends time with me.

A couple of my friends (they have not met him) said that if he hasn't said that he loves me by now, then he probably doesn't. I asked them why he would want to put himself through all the trouble of an LDR and sacrifice grad school, which is extremely important to him? They said that he might just enjoy my company and only cares about me.

I think that's BS. I would not be in an LDR with someone who I only just enjoyed their company. That would be a waste of both of our times. I could be spending that time finding someone else who I didn't just enjoy the company of. Plus, LDRs can be emotionally tiring, to put it mildly. Why would I want to subject myself to that if I didn't have to?

I don't know. Maybe it is a problem that he hasn't said "I love you" and I'm in denial by trying to justify him. For what it's worth, I actually haven't told him that I loved him either. I really would prefer if he said it first, but who knows? He could be waiting for me.

What are your thoughts?

[MadMolly]

My ex and I said I love you's only once for the first two years. Some couples just don't feel the need to say it, or don't consider it a big deal - perhaps he hasn't even realised it NEEDS to be said and just assumes you know already? I am pretty sure that if you said it to him he would not hesitate in saying it back, especially if you are going through all this trouble for eachother - I agree that to do all this without being in love just doesn't make sense.

Also, there's nothing wrong with saying it first without necessarily expecting one back, if you really want to - just say it!

[wiloveny]

I would try to talk to him about it if you feel comfortable doing that, since you said he's not very verbally expressive about his feelings, maybe he just doesn't realize that it's an important thing to you to discuss your feelings or figure out where you stand since it's not his main way of doing things. I think it's important to have a talk about feelings once in awhile, especially after a year, but everyone is different and I think he probably does have more feelings for you than just enjoying your company, he probably just doesn't know how to talk to you about it. And props to him for showing you his feelings in actions, although I think it should be a good balance between the two... but usually I always find that guys can say "I love you" but never make the effort to show it, and it's SO annoying.

I told my SO I loved him before he said it, it was the first time I had ever done that in a relationship, I usually waited for them to say it first, and although it was hard for me to do it I'm glad that I did say it first, because I felt I was being honest about my feelings...and sure enough, he felt the same way too and was just worried about saying it!! Good luck

[Bethypoo]

hmmmm. I think that this topic is going to very from couple to couple. I don't believe that you should tell someone that you love them if you don't mean it. And as with you, I had a boyfriend once tell me he loved me and he obviously didn't. But i thought i loved him but now, after being with my current SO, that was not love.

I dont know if i missed it, but have you told him that you love him? Maybe he is scared. Is it something that you just have ever talked about in general? I dont know. I dont think that it doesnt mean that he loves you. I just think people feel comfortable in their own time. I knew I loved my SO at about month 7 but didnt say anything until about month 9ish. So i dont think that there is a problem. I just think if it is something that you are concerned about, just softly bring it up.

[BlueCat]

If you love him, I wouldn't be afraid to tell him. Have you two met? If not, it's possible he just doesn't want to say it until he's met you. If you do tell him, say that you want to tell him something but he's not obliged to say anything in return. At the very least it lets him know where you stand and gives him the option without pressuring him into it if he's not ready to say it yet.

[Zephii]

Uhm... Just ask him? That's what I'd do. If he asks why you want to know just say "Because you've never told me you do and I just wanted to know how you felt."
It's perfectly reasonable.
It doesn't have to be a mystery or a big deal

[Mara]

I agree with Zephii. I think love is one of those things that does need to verbally expressed, but that's just me. My best friend is currently in a LDR, they've been together about six months now, but she isn't in love with him by her own admission. She cares about him deeply and wants to be in a relationship with him, but just isn't there yet. I think even if he isn't in love with you yet, he obviously cares about you very deeply and it takes some people much longer than others to feel that and express it. But if you love him, I'd definitely tell him so and see exactly how he feels about you.

[ChibiFelicia]

I agree with bethypoo, it really would vary from couple to couple. It took over a year for my man to tell me he loved me, and to this date he has only said it 4 times in over 2 years. He would never say it over skype or even write it. I said i lvoe you first but he did not return it till 6 months later. For us we dont like to "hand it out like candy" and i wouldnt say cheapen that phrase but i hope you get my drift.

I did however moan about it to him over a year ago and he explained that his reasoning was that if i didnt feel loved then he wasnt doing what a bf should do. So he proceeded to try harder. So i agree with zephii and you could jsut ask him

[Jgui]

I agree with Bethypoo, a person shouldn't tell another they love then unless they mean it. I used to tell my ex-bf I love them, but in reality there is really just one man I've loved from my past relationships. But because we feel the need to say it it comes out with no true feelings and emotions to support it. As you've mentioned, your ex told you he loved you but showed otherwise.

I think my SO and I both feel we're starting to develop the "love" feeling but feel we aren't 100% sure so we won't say we mean it.

[snow_girl]

My So probably still wouldn't have said it after two years if it wasn't for me saying it first. I finally got fed up after a year and a month and while we were skating I made it my mission to not leave the rink till I said it and when I did he said it back like we'd been saying it the whole time! I was so angry it was that easy. He said he had known the last 6 months at least he loved me but never said anything. Maybe you need to take the first step.

[Laura_N]

It took us a little less than a year to exchange I love you's. Actually, it was probably around a month ago. I was also a little bit worried because I wanted her to say it first and I didn't want to freak her out. But I couldn't resist anymore and then one day I finally told her I loved her. She said it a few days later during an argument, and she also told me she didn't want to say it because she had a moment planned for it. Very sweet.

[LilyChiba]

I've known since I met my SO that he always had a wall around himself to protect himself from the world. He refused to speak of his feelings and even now I still find it hard to get some things out of him. But, its just recently after I sent him my first package I found out why. He has trouble with what he wants to say. He finds it easier to do it in actions. Sometimes in a way, actions speak louder than words, those actions speak the I love yous. That said, he did say it within the first few months. But, it wasn't until up around 8 months if I remember correctly, that it became a common occurance. He doesn't say it often, and most of the time I have to say it first if I want to hear it. But when he does say it first, I just melt. You know what? Why should he have to say it first? You're a big girl. Tell him If you haven't already. I know its kinda traditional and romantic that the guy says things first, but maybe he's waiting on you. We haven't said it voice to voice yet, and I keep trying so badly to say it (although I think he did mumble it sleepily one time and I said it back quietly), but I shy away and regret doing so after. I want to do something first for once. Haha.

[Rugger]

I said I love you it my SO at around the 6 months mark. He said " I think I do". Awesome. I told him to wait until he felt it because I didn't want him lying to me. He said it three months later. It was honestly the roughest three months of my life.

While everyone is right and couples are different, I don't think I could stay with a guy who hadn't said it after a year. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Sometimes men don't realize we need to HEAR things as well as see them.

[NaNi]

Some people don't ever say "I love you". I never really thought about it until I read this comment about a woman marrying her SO even though he never said those three words to her - ever. I, personally, couldn't do that. I need to hear it. But every person/couple is different. If it's bothering you, talk to him. You won't get any answers otherwise.

[Malaga]

I also said it first to my boyfriend. It was pretty early on in the relationship, after about 3 months I think. I just felt like saying it and I didn't even worry about what he would say because I knew we were in love.
He was thrilled, but didn't say it back. I didn't even think about it to be honest, I knew how he felt about me and that he would say it eventually. He did a few days later, just surprised me during a casual chat. He said he was thinking about it for a few days and that he was sure. He said he wanted to say it the next time we skyped but couldn't wait that long.

I do believe saying it is important, and personally I don't believe in commitment if it's not explicitly stated. But I doubt you have anything to fear really. He seems like he really cares for you and it may be just a case of not knowing how to say it first. There is no rule saying guys should say it first. If he has a problem replying to it, that's something else.

Just go ahead and say it.

xx