What a birthday gift

[Zapookie]

Do you guys have any visits planned? I think it might take away some of the longing feelings he has if you guys can figure out some kind of plan or time frame as to when you can organise a meeting. It's always something to look forward to, and you can use it an inspiration to keep on going, knowing that each day is closer to meeting up.

[lucybelle]

Look, this is some BS. I think it's crap that he wants to keep you but also wants to pursue this other chick. Well guess what, he can't have both. I think what he wants is a relationship with you, but with the perks of a CD. I think it's very selfish of him.

[BlueCat]

It seems to me that finding out that this other girl liked him was a bit of a shock to him and has put in perspective for him, what he could have had (in terms of a CD relationship), and I feel like that's something that's probably strongly pulling him in the other direction. It's hard to be apart from someone you care about, especially if you've never met, it's hard to make it seem real in your own world where that person has never even been. At the same time, he obviously cares about you a lot and seems very afraid to lose you. The fact that he was 100% open and honest with you is a good sign that perhaps he just wanted to get it out of his system and have you know, and that will be enough to stop him. All I can suggest is to keep being there for him. Hopefully you two can plan a meeting in the near future

[WakeUpSusie]

I couldn't ever be in a relationship with someone who openly admitted that they liked someone else and was interested in pursuing that. If I'm going to give my whole heart and life to someone, they best be returning the favor. Having little crushes while in a relationship is normal, but wanting to actively pursue them is NOT. It is not ok.

I would tell your man to make up his mind about what he wants and let you know as soon as possible. Don't let him string you along for no reason.

[heylittlekrissy]

@Mara: I do appreciate your comment. I am hoping that it works out the same in his case, that even though he has this crush who he now know likes him also, he will not act on it.

@Zapookie: The soonest we can meet is the end of next year. He has absolutely no income, and is having no luck finding one. He's had a couple of interviews but nothing has worked out for him so far. I'm working my ass off and barely making ends meet, and all the money I've been able to save has mostly gone to fixing my vehicles, or other necessary expenses :/ I've been trying to save, and it's just not working so far, but I'm still trying. It depends on how soon I can get the money together, and then convincing my parents to let me go, since I still live under their roof. We've discussed a meeting many times and he knows I plan on coming to see him at the end of next year, but we haven't been able to set a date yet, because of my ever-changing financial situation.

@lucybelle: That was my immediate reaction, after being hurt, obviously. That's why I told him last night he needs to really put some thought into this. Is it more important for him to keep a relationship going with a girl he loves, although one he can't see very often, or is it more important for him to have someone nearby whom he can see constantly? If he needs the constant attention, then obviously I'm not going to be able to fulfill that, at least not for a long time. I told him I'm doing my best to see him as soon as possible. I also told him if he can't handle the distance, as much as it sucks, I'd understand, because not everyone can, but he needs to be fair to me and let me know if that's the case. I told him I love him and don't want to lose him though, but that he needs to seriously think about what he wants to do about all this.

@BlueCat: Thank you for the wishes on meeting soon. I'm trying to put something together, somehow. That's kind of what I've always been afraid of though, of him not being completely serious about this relationship until we'd met, but I'm not sure if that's the case. From the discussions we've had in the past about us, he seemed to take our relationship pretty seriously; but I can definitely see where you're coming from. And I do believe it was a shock for him to find out, because he used to really like this girl, and he pursued her for quite some time before we got together (He gave up on her a little bit before we got together, it's not like he went from her to me; he'd basically given up on dating before we started going out). And I'm doing my best to not change things up too much, so that we can try and work through this, but I didn't do so well last night. I was upset, and as much as I tried to hide it, he knew. It got to the point I was so upset I just stopped talking. He sat with me for awhile that way, which was comforting, but then we got in an an argument and he got off because I think he was upset for upsetting me so much, and I haven't talked to him since. It's hard, because as much as I want to talk to him and work things out, I almost want to run now before I have a chance of getting hurt even worse; but I know that's stupid, and running away would only be shooting myself in the foot.

[heylittlekrissy]

I couldn't ever be in a relationship with someone who openly admitted that they liked someone else and was interested in pursuing that. If I'm going to give my whole heart and life to someone, they best be returning the favor. Having little crushes while in a relationship is normal, but wanting to actively pursue them is NOT. It is not ok.

I would tell your man to make up his mind about what he wants and let you know as soon as possible. Don't let him string you along for no reason.

It's not something I'm happy about either. I told him last night he needs to really consider what he's doing here. I told him I love him, and I don't want to lose him, but being with me, he has to understand our visits are going to be few and far between, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. I told him he has my heart, and always will, and I want this to work; but I also told him if he can't do the distance, I need to know, and soon. He just kept saying he didn't know what to do, and I told him to weigh his options; keep the girls he's already got almost 8 months invested in (almost 3 years of friendship prior to that), but have to wait a little longer to see her, or go after this other girl, and hope things work out with her. I think his biggest fear is that if he loses me, he'll never find what we had again, and to be honest, as much as I'd want to, I don't know if I could take him back if we broke up. It would break my heart to lose him, and I don't know if I'd be able to open up like that to him again in the future, knowing that he left me to pursue another woman.

[Rugger]

I'm so sorry you are going through this sweetie.

He needs to decide what he want. Honestly, it's better to find this out now, early on in the relationship than say 3 years down the road.

*hugs*

[heylittlekrissy]

I'm so sorry you are going through this sweetie.

He needs to decide what he want. Honestly, it's better to find this out now, early on in the relationship than say 3 years down the road.

*hugs*

*hugs* Thank you for the support.
And I do agree with you here, I'd rather know now, than later on down the road; and in general, I'd rather know, than not know. I made sure to tell him that last night, that no matter what happens from here, I appreciate his honesty with me, no matter how much it hurts.

[Sunbeam]

*hugs*
I don't have many words of comfort, but I'm here for you if you need to talk.

[megfashion]

sorry, but that isn't right. he shouldn't be thinking like that. my advice would be to say to him "me or her", because it isnt fair what he is doing to you.

the SO, before going out with me, was on and off with the ex (julia) for about a year or so. if she didn't reject his offer to go to prom with her, we may not have even gone out (his words. that took a while to get over).

however, a while into our relationship, julia had decided to start coming onto him and saying to him she basically wants to go out with him again. you know how he responded each time she came onto him or she tried to flirt or tell him all this "i want you" BS? he walked away. completely. went to move to other friends and didn't talk to her until she talked about other stuff.

now this was around the same time as how long you two have been going out. we weren't even that stable around 8 months (i cant remember why) yet he still did that...

i think you both need a think, to be honest, because what he is doing really isnt good. hugs to you.

[Sharon Q]

I'm going to give you some prospective. When my SO and I first met ( we were CD for three years and are now LD thanks to a move ) I had a huge crush on my guy friend, He knew this and while he was a bit hurt by it he got passed it and we moved pasted it together as a couple. While I still care about this friend he put me through some things that hurt me and because of that my SO and I have agreed we don't want him around ( the last part was just resently )

Yes when he and I first met I had a huge crush on a friend and " had things been different " I may not be with my SO.
It's been three years and I never regretted being with my SO. Everything happens for a reason. Just talk to him about this more, perhaps you two can grow more from this.

Also one thing that gets me is this girl KNEW he had a gf and still confessed her feelings, most people that know the person they like is with someone else they don't go " I know your with someone else but I just thought I'd tell you I've liked your for a long time " For most people this would just maik the friendship awkward. idk I just find it kind of odd.

[heylittlekrissy]

My heads all a mess so I apologize for not addressing everyone individually. I just want to continue to thank everyone who's been here for support, as much as for advice. It means so much to me, it really does.

My SO told me that this girl didn't know about our relationship, he hadn't realized she had feelings for him at all, and it never came up in conversation, and she claims she wouldn't have said anything if she'd known. Whatever, I can't help that, whether she did or not. She is apparently very upset by the fact her had a girlfriend and turned her down, and he, being friends with her, is now worried she is going to hurt herself because she has a history of cutting. I wish this girl no harm, but I don't think it's fair that she's continuing to contact him regarding her being upset over us. I don't know, that may sound bitchy, maybe not. I would never discourage him to talk to his friends, but sometimes I feel like I should draw a line somewhere.

I basically said to him earlier that the only way for her to not be upset over this is for there to be no more "us", as in me and him, and asked him if he understood that. He said he did, and sounded like he did. And then our conversation turned back to what does he plan to do about us, and about her, and again, I got I don't knows. Again, it was how he wants me, he loves me, but he needs the physical comfort of having someone there with him, which is something I can't provide. He got upset and stopped talking to me again, so now we're right back to where we left off last night.

I didn't start the conversation today. I knew he was still upset when I finally talked to him over lunch, and I wasn't going to push the subject just yet, but he brought it up, so I went along with it. I know he's upset, and now I'm upset again, and I don't know how to approach this with him again without the conversations continuing to end the same way they have the last two nights :/

[rubydissolution]

I hate people with disorders like history of suicide or self mutilation who use that to manipulate people. I'm not saying that's what she's doing but the fact that he's worried about that concerns me. When you are in a relationship with someone like that you are afraid to break up with them because you fear they will hurt themselves. My ex bf was one of them, self mutilation and depression. I held on longer then I should have in that relationship because of that. We are still friends but my SO is strongly concerned that he will try to win me back. I don't hang out with this guy anymore, we talk occasionally on aim and text but that's it. Its really hard to push away someone you are close with especially friends. Me and my ex were really close friends before we dated. It took months for him to get over me, but it happened. It's not fair that she's still contacting him even though she knows she just stirred up trouble in the relationship. On the same note he should be putting distance between them at least for the time being until his feelings and hers subside. If they can't put those crushes aside then that is a problem. He needs to take time and figure this out, and totally keep in mind what will happen with her if he picks her. If shes in danger of cutting herself now because of this what will happen if they break up? when they fight? or if he can't get over you?

If you need to talk hit me up and i'll give you my aim =)

[heylittlekrissy]

I do worry for him though if he does decide to try things with her, because not only does she have a past like that, so does he. He's dealt with depression a lot during his life, and I've been there as much as possible for him during these hard times. He once tried to kill himself right after we started dating, and we've been working past that ever since. Even if we stopped dating, I'd worry about him being in a relationship where they both are depressed and have a past of harming/attempting to harm themselves.

Not only that, it seems he has a number of friends who are very depressed and turn to self harm, and as much as he's a good guy and tries to be there for all of them, I know it's starting to take a toll on him, having all that on his shoulders. He's been doing better about trying to get these friends to seek professional help, because it's gotten to the point many of them are/were getting out of control. If we weren't dating, I'd feel bad that they (my SO and this girl) both have this past that could stand in the way of them being happy together, but he's with me, so I can only hope he sees that leaving me to be with someone like that could do more harm than good.

But he did mention yesterday about putting some distance between him and her, which I thought was very noble of him, because I honestly believe as much as he was considering having someone closer, he really is adamant about not losing me. But, after our conversation yesterday, he still has not spoken to me again, which is hard, because we usually speak all day by text, and all afternoon and evening on xbox, and I got nothing :/ He is blatantly ignoring me at this point, and that's just not even fair to me.


And I apologize if I seem like I'm whining, etc, but for once, I just honestly don't know what to do about all this going on.

[Mara]

You've contacted him and he hasn't responded or has he just not initiated contact today?

*hugs* I think it may be time for him to decide now what it is exactly he wants. It's not fair to you to drag this on and this should not be a difficult decision for him.