Prospect of LDR

[avera005]

Technically I am not in a long distance relationship yet but i figured who better to help me than those who have been in LDRs

My boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years. We see each other pretty much everyday. He told me he plans on move in about 8 months for school. We have not been apart for longer than a week and i feel like an LDR would be way too hard for me but i love him. I think about the move everyday and I cannot help but feel like this move will tear us apart. I offered to go with him but he shut me down and told me that he is not ready to move in together so he made our only option an LDR. I feel like I am being forced into this and I dont know what to do. Not to mention i feel like we are on two separate pages because i am ready to move in together. How can I be okay with an LDR? How can i make this relationship work when i so desperately want to avoid an LDR? Are we just on two different commitment levels that this just wont work?

Thanks in advance

[snow_girl]

Would you still go forward with the relationship if he stayed but didn't want to move in? How long does he plan to go away for school for? Could you move close to him but live somewhere else? Long distance can be tough and communication is absolutely key, if you feel you are on different pages now is that only because of the moving in thing of is there more to it that you don't meet at eye level on? If you do go the LDR route make sure you take the next 8 months to work on your communicating as that will be what will make or break the relationship when he leaves.
There are many many people here that make LDRs work and have done so for long periods of time. How far is he moving? Save up some money now for visits. There are lots of activities and ideas here for couples to do so that it doesn't feel like the end of a relationship when the other moves away.

[Mara]

I don't think you really know how you feel about LDRs until you are in one. I'm little miss anti long distance relationships, but I'm in one and have been in one now for quite some time. It's really not SO hard. Yes, it is difficult being away from the person you love, planning visits, and arranging when to close the distance, but in life you are going to face challenges in your relationship be it being long distance or something else. If the only two options are be long distance or end the relationship which would you choose?

As for the moving in issue, just because he isn't ready to move in with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't committed to the relationship. Moving in together is a huge step in a relationship and in a person's life because it's essentially merging your life with his. He'll be there all of the time and vice versa and you'll have to learn how to manage finances, chores, and just day to day life. If one person in a relationship isn't necessarily ready for that, that isn't a deal breaker in my book, but you have to make your own decisions of course.

I also second everything that snow_girl said.

[NineInchNails_x]

Make sure if you go into a LDR you know exactly what you want out of it and what he wants. How often do you expect to talk to him? This may not seem like a big deal but when you are in different areas with different friends and different schedules it can get really hard. How often do you want to visit or want him to come visit? Who will be the one to pay for those visits? What are your plans for after he is done with school? What do you define as cheating? Lots of times couples date for years and they never think they have to talk about this. Then they get into a LDR and one person cheats on accident because the boundaries weren't clearly defined. I hear about this a lot on here. Make sure you have every detail mapped out..
It's really really difficult but if you do love each other then I don't see why you shouldn't give it a chance. It will bring you closer in the end and it will make you value your time with him even more.
About the moving in...You've probably heard this a million times before but...I was dating my boyfriend about 2 years when we moved in together. Before that we were inseperable. Hanging out all day, every day. We went to school together. He drove me to and from school. Unless I was at something like a doctors appointment then I was with him. He came with me to all of our families outings, etc. We moved in together and I really thought I knew him before but this is when the stuff that kind of annoyed me before really kicked in. I knew he liked to sleep in. I knew he liked video games. But when you live with someone all that stuff is amplified x10. Does your boyfriend snore? Does he forget to flush the toilet? These things will make you want to strangle him. We ended up breaking up for a few months and now we are back together. I'm so scared of moving back in together because I know how things will be...I think he is just being cautious and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. He just wants what is best for both of you and he doesn't want anything to mess up (:
Maybe until he is ready you can go to school/work/live/whatever in the town where he is going to school. That way the two of you are close but you aren't actually under the same roof (:

[Jgui]

I don't think anyone on this forum wants to be in a LDR. Sometimes it just happens and it's all worth it because we're with the person we care and love. Just as the other poster suggested, can't you move close to him where you're not living together but close enough? Moving in together is a huge step in a relationship and I believe it could make or break a relationship.

You mentioned you both are on different pages, maybe you should have a sit down with your SO and talk about where the relationship is heading. Just because you're on 2 pages doesn't mean it won't work, it'll just require more compromising to make it work out.

How far is he moving for school? There should be breaks in between those 8 months where he can come home to visit and you can always visit him. 8 months isn't as bad compared to what other people on this forum is facing.

[Bethypoo]

I think the distance would be the test of your relationship. Remember the distance isn't forever. And you relationship will have to make some adjustments. But you have to be able to trust and be able to communicate.

I dont think you are on two different levels. He may want to move in with you as well but school doesn't fit into that. And education is so important and that isn't something that you should make him feel guilty for doing. Relationships evolve and so do individuals. School is the next step for him and you need to support that. There are alot of people here who are apart from their SO due to school, and that is me included. It can work. But it just takes work too.

[Zephii]

I hear where you're coming from. I'd be a bit put out if my SO wasn't ready to move in after two years honestly (and I'm a pushy bitch lol) but then I'm not really sure how conventional dating works because I've never done it. Talk to him. ask him about his fears. share yours. Things may change in 8 months.

LDRs... well, it'd be worse if you'd been living together. so that's good. But it's hard. I don't understand how or why anyone can or would willingly do it, but then college isn't the be-all and end-all over here and I didn't mind waiting to study so maybe that's it.

Just keep talking to each other...

[Hololz]

Ok, I feel like I know your situation well, except, I was on the other side of it. I was moving away to university. My SO hadnt really got his arse into gear to apply anywhere, which ment he ended up having to get a job with his mum, he was lucky to get it and it did pay well considering he didnt have to pay rent etc to his parents. We had been going out for around 8 months by the time I moved away. Did I consider breaking it off? Honestly Yes, I was 18 and moving somewhere completly new with new people, being single may have made things easier, but I decided that our relationship had too much potential to just "throw away" without even trying first. So we stayed together. At first the pain of missing him was awful and I know he was going through the same thing, missing me, even if not more so (I could atleast throw myself into making new friends, trying new things etc, where as he was stuck at his parents house with no-one who lived close to him to hang out with).

We spent the first 6 months or so seeing each other every few weekends, atleast once a month. It was difficult yes, but he did understand that I had work to do and was busy alot. Then he decided he was going to apply for university. The thing was, he decided he was ONLY going to apply for univeritys in the city where I was studying. This is where I got a little freaked. I had so many questions floating around my head! I was 18 and this man was willing to move 4 hours away from home so we could be together, of course I loved him, but I got a bit freaked by his commitment, this meant things were getting serious between us!! Then I started to think: What would happen if things didnt work out? Would he resent me because he moved? Would I have time to get work done or would he get upset if I said no to seeing him one night becuase I was busy?

I also felt that being away at university had helped me grow as a person, I was, by now used to spending time away from him, with my own friends, would spending too much time with him start to damage those friendships?

I know these all sound like totally selfish reasons, but I freaked, and I worry alot. Anyway, he got a place at one of the unis and moved up 6 months later. Turns out i didnt need to worry about any of the above. He wasnt clingy like I thought he was going to be, he just relished the opportunity to live independently, and we saw each other maybe once or twice a week.

Given his enthusiasm to move up to be in the same city as me, I suggested we live together in 3rd year, as a couple. He was completly against the idea and told me he could never see himself living with anyone. That hurt.

Then I got the opportunity of a life time, which actually meant I would be living in the USA for 1 year, over 5000miles away from him. Again, I start thinking: Should I break with him? Will this be to difficult? Can an LDR work? We had been together for 2 and half years! Again, I needed to give this a shot, although I felt like I needed some sort of commitment from him before I left, to let me know his heart was in this relationship just as much as mine, not a proposal per say, just the promise that he may be open to living together at somepoint in the future. He didnt give me this commitment, but even still we decided to continue with an LDR.

About 2 months into me living in the USA, we were talking on skype, when he just suddenly brought up the idea of us moving in together in my final year. I was so happy When I asked what made him change his mind, he told me it was the distance and he'd realised he'd never wanted to be this far apart from me again. Unfortunalty, circumstances beyond our control have ment this is now not going to be possible, maybe not even for the next 2-3 years. We willl live together one day though.

Anyway, sorry, this has become a rather long reply i just want to sum up what I ment to put accross in this post:
1. Maybe try and see from his point of veiw, moving in together is a massive commitment, mabye one that he doesnt feel mature enough to make yet. While he's at school, living together may not be the best idea, he needs time to get into a routine of studying and other commitments. Moving away to school will be a massive change for him, if that was coupled with moving in with you, it may be too much at once. I know those 6 months myslef and my SO spent LD at the beggining of my studies strengthend the relationship.
2. Men change their minds. The fact that he's willing to be long distance with you shows how commited he is already, give it a few months and he may suddenly see things differently.

I wish you all the best!